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Every night twilight passes, leaving twinkling stars and shining cities in its wake. The world slows, time crawls, and more and more people start to close their eyes. Yudai always tries not to join them. Tries to be the one who won’t succumb to the stars and the darkness. Accomplishing that goal doesn’t lead to good things, but he would rather be on a road that leads to nowhere than on the one that leads down, deeper and deeper into insanity. It almost feels cruel that the night always returns. The twilight shimmers again, and eventually the others start to notice when one of their packmates never wants to drop their head. Inevitably Yudaai’s eyes begin to droop, his muscles too weak and his brain too delirious to stop it. The darkness comes, creeping around his body until it’s too late. Until it’s already seeping into his brain.
At first, Yudai doesn’t feel anything. He feels blank, and a hopeful part of his heart still thinks that he will suddenly open his eyes and see the morning light start to twinkle in. Then the darkness sits. It waits and expands, becoming deeper and deeper, until Yudai starts to see the image of himself inside of it. At the start, maybe a few weeks ago, it was a picturesque view of himself resting on a bed that he’s never seen before. He was sitting there, analyzing the oozing walls. Almost like he expected something to happen; and then it feels like times stops for a just moment, before winding strings of sticky darkness ooze from the walls and reach for him. Yudai was always told he’s fast, but his reaction didn’t matter. There was no escaping the inevitable. The darkness felt a stretching, binding, all consuming force that started with his ankles, toes, and fingertips.
And as Yudai continued to close his eyes each passing night, allowing the darkness back into his head, the stringing binds always return. They start to crawl up his skin, eating away little parts of him until he could no longer move. Could no longer breathe. What once ended at the ends of his finger is now at his elbows, and his shoulder, and then he can see the darkness at his hips. Yudai can see the fear in his own eyes each and every night, as this thing slowly consumes. Until tonight, when Yudai can no longer force the darkness away. Where inside he’s trapped, unmoving, in a slowly decaying room that’s not his own. With the venomous, villain-like darkness spreading up his chin, oozing inside of his mouth. Yudai can swear that he can taste it. He can see tears budding at the base of his own eyes. Can hear his own thoughts wondering if he’s about to choke as the dark stringing substance seeps down his throat. Against everything that his body can do anymore, against everything that he thinks, Yudai reaches up towards nothing. His hands desperately grasps towards the sky, with no one there. No pack beside him. No soul to take his hand, as his own soul is slowly consumed away. Yudai can feel the emptiness, the sensation of no one. It’s like he can hear his own heart shatter.
And then there’s something. Warm, immediate affection, and Yudai can feel the sensation of skin intertwining with his own. Reminding him that he actually has skin. It’s not covered with sludgy darkness. He looks up, the tears dripping from his eyes that see an inviting cool toned space. They see the den, his own bed, and the sight of Jo standing at the foot of it. The younger’s eyes are wide, concerned.
Then Yudai notices. The light, the sun. The end of it. Yudai has cold sweat glistening on his head, making his clothing feel disgusting in the best way possible. His skin is tingling, his bones rushing with adrenaline. His heart is pounding so intensely that his ribs are aching. His cheeks are still dripping with painful passing tears. There’s a part of his body that only feels still, feels trapped, but when Yudai looks down he doesn’t see the impending darkness. Doesn’t see something eating him alive.
“Y-Yudai…” Jo’s soft voice sounds like a melodious song seeping through the air, dripping in between his ears like honey. There’s still an unsettled look of pain across his face. An obvious discomfort, as Jo feels stuck watching his older brother’s eyes remain so scared. He’s obviously awake now. To Jo, it feels so unfair that Yudai’s stuck by such horror. “You were… you were crying hyung… *gulp*. And screaming.”
Motionless moments pass like molasses, and then before either one can process it Yudai is lunging forward. His entire body is grasping for Jo, is reaching for him like a child who needs comforting. Jo lets him; he would never push him away, and by the time that Yudai’s entire body has tightly wound itself around Jo’s torso he is already sobbing. Jo pats gentle loving circles onto Yudai’s back, trying to be the strongest source of comfort that he can. It doesn’t make the tears stop. It doesn’t stop Yudai’s wails from getting louder, desperation surging through every struggling shout.
“I-I was so scared. *sobs* It-it’s getting rid of me. It’s eating me away, a-and *sobs* none of you were there. No one was going to ssave me.”
“Shh, shh, you’re okay. Don’t be ridiculous, hyung.” No matter what words he chooses, Jo’s tone is too gentle and quiet to every sound insulting or demeaning. “You’re not alone Yudai. You have a pack, a strong one. None of us would ever leave you behind.”
“I-I think it wants t-*cough, sobs*-I th-th-it’s going to. It’s going to take me away Jo. It’s gonna kill me pplease-please-please don’t let it kill me.”
“You’re not going anywhere.” Jo can taste the salt of his own tears sliding through his lips. “I wouldn’t, I won’t let anything bad happen to you hyung.”
“I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go-I wanna be here, I-I-*sobs*-please don’t let me. I don’t wanna go.”
“Shhh, hyung, shhh.” Yudai can feel Jo’s bones trembling, the anxious nerves only compounding with every passing breath. With every lasting moment where his Yudai hyung isn’t calming down. “You’re not going anywhere. It was just a bad dream.”
“No-No-No-No.”
Jo almost feels worse when Yudai leans back, regretting unwinding their forcefully tight arms. Jo doesn’t want to look. He does want to look at the distraught, heart-shattering sight of his hyung’s tear-ridden face as he sobs. He doesn’t want to watch Yudai’s breathing flutter and hiccup in terrifying patterns. He does though, because Yudai tugs on his shirt until he looks. Because Yudai wants him to, and right now his hyung really needs someone that can support him and listen.
“Y-You don’t get it… That’s not right.”
“What isn’t hyung? You were asleep… you had a nightmare.” Jo doesn’t want to imagine it again, but seeing Yudai’s whole body shaking makes it too easy for his head to start spinning. Watching the widening horror cross over his eyes. An eerie unending realization of nothing is expanding further and further.
“I-I was sleeping b-but I wasn’t dream-ming. There's-there’s something inside of me. Something that wwants to eat me away.”
Immediately, Jo understands why it was so important to Yudai that the younger see him. If he wasn’t looking directly at Yudai’s expression, at the look of desolation in his eyes, Jo would think he’s just scared. That it was just a really, really scary dream. But he was, and can see every part of Yudai that means this. That believes it, and has experienced it, and fully trusts in every single wretched world crushing word. When he looks at Yudai, he knows.
“What do you mean hyung?”
~~~~~~~~
30 minutes pass in a twisting manner, where words move too fast but time stands still all at once. Jo leaves the room as Harua, Taki, and EJ enter, Yudai only just recently having stopped wailing. He’s crying, still sad, his body still quivering from the ache of being so distraught.. There’s something different settling ontop of him now, fraying deep inside of his chest. Something like… darkness. A continually deepening pit, or maybe a previously unseen entity. One that Jo really wishes he didn’t know about anymore. And he feels like a horrible little brother for even wanting to think that way.
But he still does it, and there’s a hopeful part of his heart that can believe that his brain is insane for believing in any of it. After all that though… Jo knew it was important for Yudai that someone believed in him. He wants to be that someone, and Yudai gave more than enough proof (not that he ever had to, Jo would’ve trusted him either way).
Yudai spoke so seriously, in such vivid detail about why he knows, about how he can feel this. He admitted that he had the same thought for a while, and while he’s asleep the dream is just a dream. Something like a recurring nightmare. But each morning he wakes up, and as the vision of stringing darkness spreads across his body so does the stillness in his soul. A muteness that starts as unsettlement, then slowly progresses into a persistent ache. Into near constant headaches, unbearable cold and soreness ridden throughout his entire chest chest and into his lungs.
And then he closes his eyes the next night. He invites the darkness back in and watches it consume new parts of him. He wakes up in the morning happy at first, until reality sets in. Then he’s back to freezing, hurting, and his wolf is getting further and further away. His senses, his speed, the very things that make him what he is. His body hurts and Yudai can’t do those things like he used to anymore. Jo saw it.
He could see how scary of a thought it is for Yudai.
Yudai swears that after last night, he can still taste it even now. It still feels like something is stuck at the entrance to his throat, singeing the flesh away piece by piece. Like it’s just one swallow away from choking him entirely and burning up his insides.
Jo feels stuck, so vacuumed inside of the thought. Inside of Yudai’s newly shared fears and terror. He doesn’t notice that he’s stopped walking, and Fuma is standing right in front of him. His hand gently resting ontop of Jo’s shoulder’s, massaging into the skin with a firm and supportive grasp. One that’s unique compared to anything anyone else can produce, in a good way.
“JoJo?” Jo looks up for a brief moment, glancing at Fuma’s eyes painted with protectiveness and concern. His gaze returns to the floor just as quickly. “Do you wanna share what’s bothering you so much?”
“...*gulp*...” The simple answer is no, he doesn’t. “Something’s wrong with Yudai hyung.”
Once again, Jo can feel the sting of slow tears dripping past his angry marred cheeks. Fuma’s sigh is heavy enough to make the walls tremble.
“I know.” Was Jo the only one that didn’t? “We’ll fix it.”
“What if we can’t? What if it’s already too late and-and Yudai hyung can’t transform anymore or-or something even worse happens and we-”
“JoJo, that’s enough.” Fuma’s voice was stern, never mean, but leaving no room for Jo’s brain to continue spinning and thrashing itself to pieces inside of his skull.
“Nothing bad is going to happen to Yudai, okay? And if it was somehow possible that he's becoming human, which I don’t think it is, it wouldn’t matter anyways. He’s still a part of our pack. He will always be a part of our pack, wolf or not. Right?”
“Yeah, yeah of course,”
“Ok, so there’s no need to worry then.” Fuma sounds so confident, so self-assured. And maybe he is right. There isn’t necessarily any proof that Yudai is in any imminent mortal danger, and it’s very reasonable to assume that he might be saying some of these things because he’s scared. Jo was scared just hearing about it, so how could he not be?
Just as there’s no proof to say Fuma’s wrong though, there’s no proof to say that he’s right either.
“...How do you know that though?”
“That’s the easiest question you’ve asked JoJo. I have faith in us, and in him.” Fuma speaks as if it’s obvious. “He’s not alone. That’s all I really need to know.”
For quite a while, Jo keeps standing there, his body still but his head swimming.
“Come on, let’s go get some food for everyone yeah? We’ll have more than enough time to contemplate life while we’re at it.” Jo’s verbal agreement to Fuma’s plans didn’t really matter, as their sub-leader wraps his arm securely around Jo’s shoulders and begins to guide him away from the bedroom. For a while Jo keeps periodically looking back, almost anticipating that he’ll see Yudai’s sobbing heart-wretching expression lying in wait behind him. It never comes, and eventually Jo’s mind starts to focus more on the vegetables in front of him then on the inner image of his hyung’s desperation.
~~~~~~~~
Just as Eujoo had said they would, eventually the pack came in with plates of food. Comfort and laughter filled the room, Nicholas finally forcing Yudai out of bed an hour later to take a walk around the den. It may have started as a seeming lesson in futility, but it helped. By the time Yudai returned to the bed 40 minutes later his body felt more awake, more alive, and yet simultaneously less like him. It’s a mixture that’s never stopped being confusing.
The rest of the pack left shortly after they returned. Eujoo and Yuma were going downtown to get supplies, primarily things like sleep-aids, stronger warming tools, along with soothing pain patches and medicine. Jo, Fuma, and Maki had insisted on searching out more information on what could possibly be happening, whether that be at libraries, internet cafe’s, or by conducting in-person interviews with every other wolf pack on this side of the continent. Harua and Taki had taken somewhere between 20-30,000 Yen and left with the widely enthusiastic mission to return with “Yudai’s Fix-It Kit”. Neither of them could describe what exactly that meant, which didn’t soothe anyone; however, no one had anything but undying trust for their intentions.
That left Nicholas and Yudai alone, Yudai’s sweaty skin once again binding with the dingy white mattress. There’s a deepening crushing pit of gratitude, hopelessness, despair, guilt, sickness, and fear starting to boil inside of his stomach. It makes him feel like he wants to puke. His pack has been so unconditionally loving and wonderful towards him. Their doing everything they can to help; however, Yudai doesn’t feel he can reciprocate any of their efforts and intentions properly. He can barely work up the courage to continue swallowing, his head always worried that with one hasty gulp he’ll choke the burning darkness deeper into his throat. Just taking that brief walk with Nicholas, while nice, felt almost insurmountably monumental. There’s nothing left inside of him to keep pretending he’s okay anymore, and that almost makes everything hurt even worse.
“Hyung, do you need another drink? Maybe a cup of coffee?”
“Huh?” Yudai had almost forgotten that Nicho was still sitting with him, the tip of his head just barely visible at the foot of the bed.
“ You’re still shaking.”
“Oh, y--yeah. I’m cold.” Lately, it’s like Yudai’s body can’t produce or hold on to any heat. As if his very soul is freezing over inside, the ice spreading through his bones. “It’s okay though. It probably won’t help much anyways.” Nothing really does.
“Just, have faith hyung. It can’t hurt anything right?” As has been the case all day, Nicholas doesn’t accept Yudai’s dejection. He’s already standing, going towards the kitchen to brew the 4th another fresh cup of the day. It doesn’t matter to him that Yudai’s only managed to drink about 4 of one each. At least he’s drinking something warm. Maybe that’s why Nicholas just keeps on brewing, replacing the cup each time that the last starts to grow cold.
A few minutes later Nicholas returns carrying a bright pink, visibly steaming, mug with a fluffy anime cat hugging a panda bear on the side. Last week it probably would’ve made Yudai smile. He even goes so far as to place it beside his hyung and place his arm’s beneath Yudai’s shoulder’s, helping him to sit up straight before propping up the older’s torso with just about every thin pillow they own.
“Thank you.”
“Don’t worry about it. What is family for right?” Without another word Nicholas returns to the floor at the foot of the bed, his watchful eyes ensuring that Yudai at least tries to drink some of it.
“I’m… I’m primarily not the best ‘family’ to have right now.” Yudai isn’t quite sure why he said it. He doesn’t want to, but the words happened to come out before his brain ever realized they were there. Now that they’ve started, the rest just kinda spills out like word vomit.
“Hyung, you’re great. Amazing, like always. Don’t talk like that.”
“I-I can’t do anything anymore Nicho. I’m not even sure I can really be called a wolf at this point.”
“Doesn’t matter. You’re just sick. That’s all.”
Sick as in ‘sick-sick’ or sick in the head, Yudai’s not sure anybody really knows. Himself included. To Nicholas, it doesn’t matter. They both mean the same in the end. To Yudai it feels like a world-ending distinction.
“You’ll get better soon hyung. You’ll see.”
“I will…” Yudai takes another sip, his head still heavily laced with the strong stench of doubt. “I’m sorry for saying all those things to JoJo this morning.”
“Don’t be sorry for that. You should actually rely on us more often.”
“It’s not that I don’t want it- I just… I didn’t mean to scare him. I didn’t mean to make him cry.”
“JoJo’s strong hyung. He just cares about you a lot… We all do. He’ll be fine.” Silence passed a few moments, an almost lonely aura settling into the air. As if despite so many people very obviously being here for him, Yudai was still all alone.
“I do have one question for you hyung… ” Nicholas’s request came suddenly, unexpectedly. Immediately crackling away part of the intensity in the room.
“Yeah, of-of course.” Nicholas swallowed heavily, undoubtedly going through his own spinning twister of thoughts and doubts before sorting out his words.
“Why won’t you talk to me ? I-I know this morning was an accident. That you had just woken up and was still really scared and out of it. You didn’t mean to, and I get why-I do. But… We know now? I know you’ve talked to Eujoo and Taki about it a little bit since then…” Yudai turned his head the other direction, not able to bear seeing the sorrow and tension stricken across Nicholas's face. “What else do you need from me? I want you to feel comfortable enough to share your pain with me too hyung. To cry if you need to cry, and-and all that…”
Yudai processed for longer than he should have, honestly very uncertain on how he’s supposed to reply.
“It’s not like that Nicho. I am comfortable with you. I promise.”
“That’s a lie.” Yudai’s shoulders physically lurch as he nearly chokes on a sip of coffee. He should know by now, Nicholas doesn’t tolerate his sulking. “I can see it in your face hyung. You’re in pain. You’re scared, and your eyes always look like you’re about to cry, and you have the right but you won’t let yourself! You cry with the others. I’m not blaming you, truly. I just wanted to know why, what I can do to help you more.”
“…It’s not about that…”
“It is.”
“But it’s not!!” Yudai’s eyes grow wide within a millisecond, Nicholas rapidly following suit. Yudai hasn’t shouted like that in weeks; has barely vocalized more than a lighthearted whimper or brief passing conversation. It feels strange to his throat now. Like his muscles are out of practice, but not in a bad way. “I do feel comfortable with you Nicho! I do but… You don’t push my heart in that way. You don’t make me cry, and I don’t want to! I’m fucking tired of crying!”
“Hhyung-”
“It doesn’t fucking help anything! It just makes me feel even more shitty than before. I don’t want to. I don’t want to cry, and I don’t want to be sick, and I don’t want to be weak. I don’t want to need you Nicho, or anyone for that matter! And you don’t make me so I don’t do it!”
Yudai was expecting some more baited silence and held breaths. Possibly some tearful eyes to accompany freshly broken hearts. He was surprised when that’s not what he got.
“Do you feel a bit better now hyung?”
Yudai sits for a minute. What the fuck could Nicholas be meaning? He doesn’t. His entire body hurts, his bones hurt, he’s practically frigid. The darkness is just a few centimeters away from crawling down his throat as he speaks. He can’t feel his wolf hardly at all, as if it’s encased somewhere deep within.
In another sense though, he does. His body doesn’t feel well, but head and his hurt feel much lighter than before.
“…I don’t know. Maybe.” Nicholas just laughs, Yudai looking back over to see an almost expectant expression across his face.
“Sorry if I touched a nerve hyung. I didn’t want to bother you. It’s just, you were being so reserved and careful. It’s not like you. I know that when I feel like a shit, I hate wallowing sometimes. Some days I just wanna scream and be mean.”
“Oh…” Yudai doesn’t think he’s ever felt that way. He doesn’t ever want to be mean to people, but talking does it feel easier after his short outburst.
“I don’t wanna see you cry either hyung. You’re right. EJ and Taki, they would love to help you that way. They’re better at it than me.” Yudai’s eyes feel fixed, his head so intrinsically focused on what Nicho is going to say next that there’s no room for anything else. “If crying ever isn’t enough though, if you just want to say exactly what’s on your mind and scream… you can mean to me hyung. I won’t get offended.”
“Okay…. thanks….. I think.” Yudai took another lit sip of coffee, before setting the cup back down and willfully crawling back under his sheets. Nicholas didn’t say anything. Just watched, silently ensuring that Yudai is still safe.
Something about Yudai did feel different, in a way that he couldn’t quite explain. It must not have fixed everything but, maybe he had been holding his emotions in for a little too long. Maybe there was something else left inside him, something other than regret and sadness. He just didn’t know how to let it out.
~~~~~~~~~~
Shouting at Nicholas didn’t change things, cause of course it didn’t. Why would it ever be that easy? Yudai stayed sick for far longer than anyone had expected. Nobody had any legitimate answers on what was happening to him. The best thing that Fuma eventually managed to wrangle up (from some sketchy shaman halfway across the country, who had only recently been let out of prison) was that Yudai was likely making himself physically sick. Very sick, for some drunken reasoning similar to his fears and deeply ridden anxiety being so strong that they were actually poisoning his wolf. The Shaman thought his nightmares might be his brain’s fucked way of telling him that.
No else they talked to could confirm that was a real thing, including a truly massive amount of licensed medical professionals. Despite having the slimmest idea of that though, knowing that it could maybe be the cause of his problem; that didn’t make the issue go away. Yudai couldn’t make his brain stop being horrified just because he wanted it to.
That very night EJ and Maki had come home with a variety of sleeping medications, and Yudai had gone through the worst drug-induced nightmare of his life. This time it wasn’t just their resident light-sleeper Jo getting woken by the sound of whimpering screams. It was ugly. It was soul wrenching, window shattering, anguished cries that shook the very floorboards. The entire pack couldn’t sleep a wink, and no one could get Yudai to wake. When he eventually did he couldn’t stop gasping. It felt like he was choking. He couldn’t breathe, his lips turning light shades of blue while his airways physically burned as they continued to tighten and twist. EJ had started calling hospitals, trying to get an ambulance. He had nearly been admitted to a clinical psychiatric ward on an involuntary safety-based hold for the next 3 days, that is until the pack adamantly refused and physically carried him out of the hospital.
Yudai couldn’t walk, let alone transform into anything. For months, his wolf was just gone. Completely absent, as if he had only ever been human in the first place.
Strangely enough, being that miserable might have been exactly what Yudai was waiting for. All the things he was afraid of happened, time and time again, and Yudai still remained. His pack never once left his side. They were right there, always, especially during the hardest moments. They always made sure Yudai came back to them one way or another.
His heart had always known that would be the case, but his head couldn’t completely believe in it until he physically experienced the whole thing.
Thankfully, the situation left him with zero other choice but to develop some faith.
Yudai cried a lot during those days. The entire pack saw far more than their fair share of tears, EJ and Taki even more so. Nicholas had been right though. They both wanted to help, and their way of doing so was by seeking out those moments. By giving him a steady shoulder to cry on.
Not all of the pack was that, but they all had their place. Their role to play in helping him heal.
Yudai made an odd habit of shouting at Nicholas. Whenever he started to feel those inklings of wanting to vent, and sometimes when he didn’t. That was the way Nicholas chose to help him. He egged Yudai on, always refused to let him sit there and feel scared for himself. He pushed all the right buttons, until Yudai either did something or he screamed. Nicholas knew had to choose the right times. Whenever it happened it was usually what Yudai actually needed in those moments, and Nicholas somehow never took any of it to heart. Sometimes Yudai say something really nasty and mean. He would feel unbearably guilty, and in those cases Nicho would spend the rest of his night just hugging his hyung. He would remind Yudai that he himself needs that release too, occasionally, and there’s nothing wrong with doing somewhere safe. Somewhere where it’s accepted.
Yudai went on like that for a long time, and his wolf never seemed to be coming back. It wasn’t until Yudai started finally accepting that things might actually be okay either way, that his wolf very very gradually began crawling its way back to him. It wasn’t anything like getting back on a bike for the first time in a way. It was like Yudai became a brand new puppy all of again. His wolf was different than it used to be, but in a lot of ways that made sense because he was too.
They learned and adapted together. His pack actually seemed to really like teaching him. In a way that was almost a little bit concerning, but it was always very-very endearing and funny simultaneously. Yudai wouldn’t have wanted it to happen any other way.
Now Yudai can look back on all of it, almost 1 year and a half later, with a very different perspective on things. He never truly realized how really, really sick he was. How dangerous things had gotten.
Yudai honestly has no idea how his pack managed to do it. How they could watch Yudai’s heart stop in his sleep, time and time again, and yet still somehow manage to close their own eyes the very next night. How they managed to spoon feed Yudai cereal, force him to take drinks, make him go on walks. How they would physically carry him outside and make him breathe it all in, no matter how fearful and exhausted they were themselves.
All 8 of them kept him safe in so many more ways than Yudai ever could’ve imagined. He doesn’t think he could’ve done it if the roles had been reversed.
But he’s so immensely grateful that they did.
To this day, Yudai still feels afraid to go to sleep. The darkness comes back on seemingly unpredictable nights. When it does Yudai gets really sick again for weeks on end. Everything returns to how it was last year. Aches, chills, never-ending fear. The whole deluxe experience on repeat. The pack still isn’t sure if his mental symptoms manifest the darkness, therefore causing the physical symptoms, or if his head gets sick because his body does first.
It doesn’t really seem to matter anymore. The symptoms don’t last as long these days.
Yudai knows that it might always be this way. He might always have this inside of him, and maybe one day his wolf really will fade away for good.
If it does, then so be it. He has faith. He somehow found the world’s kindest, most caring pack in the world. Maybe the mean part of his head is right. Maybe he doesn’t deserve them, and they probably should care more about dragging around a sick wolf with them for the rest of eternity. But they don’t.
He has them no matter what happens. Either way, and they aren’t leaving him to get eaten away by anything. He’ll never be alone.
That’s all Yudai really needs to know.