Work Text:
The walk from Senka High to Itaru's house wasn't that bad on its own. Less than a mile, no real hills or anything, and in the opposite direction of practically everyone else from his school. While being alone with his thoughts sucked, and he couldn't game on his way to and from school (having had too many consoles confiscated from his bag to risk bringing them anymore), it wasn't terrible.
The bad part was the one person from his school who did live in the same direction.
Nowadays, it was usually a simple enough matter: Tonooka had been demoted to NPC number 5 in his life, a background character that couldn't impact the plot. But sometimes, his game glitched out.
Like now.
"Chiga, just listen to me for a second!" Tonooka said, grabbing his shoulder.
Itaru jerked away, pointedly keeping his eyes ahead. Just a background character, just a background character...
In a flash of movement, Tonooka pushed himself in-between Itaru and the road he was about to cross. He tried to divert his eyes, but he couldn't look away. Tonooka looked the same as he had before, when he was Itaru's Player 2 and not just NPC number 5. The same posture and intense eyes.
It made Itaru a bit sick, TBH.
"What's there to listen to? No matter what you say, I don't really care," Itaru said, crossing his arms. Tonooka bit his lip.
"L- Look," he said, quieter. "I fucked up, okay? But if you don't want to spill my secrets, then I don't get what I can do to..."
"To what?"
"Make you my friend again!"
Itaru laughed, short and clipped. "Want the walkthrough? Nothing. You got the Bad End. There's nothing you can do about it now."
"That can't just be it!" Tonooka suddenly yelled. The stoplight behind him gave him a red sort of glow, like a final boss.
"And why's that?"
"Because I love you!"
Everything went cold in an instant. Like he was a second from floating away, or phasing into a new world. Like reality was losing its grip on him. Like he was about to wake up from a shitty dream, or die.
“…say something,” Tonooka said. It almost sounded like he was begging. Hah.
Huh.
Ah…
“What do you want me to say. That that makes everything better?” It didn’t. It actually made things a hell of a lot worse.
“It makes things different,” Tonooka pressed, stepping closer. The beginnings of a smile was forming on his face. ”So much different. Right?”
Did it? Did it really? All it seemed to do was make Itaru all the more keen to never talk to Tonooka again.
Because wasn’t it just his luck? The first person to know him and the first person to really like him were the same person. And he had taken Itaru’s heart and stomped it to pieces, stringing it around their school for everyone to fucking gawk at.
Tonooka didn’t seem to care about Itaru’s silence. “Y’know, I really didn’t know if you liked me back, but you must’ve, right? That makes things different between us. We can figure things out.”
Itaru didn’t care. He didn’t care of Tonooka liked him, or even if he had liked Tonooka. Putting aside the fact that he didn’t know, it just made everything worse.
Weren’t you supposed to care about the person you liked? Weren’t you supposed to try and make them happy? How could this be-?
Tonooka went to grab his hand. Itaru shoved him back.
What if I did like him and then he-?
Itaru threw his bag at Tonooka, knocking him straight on his ass. He allowed himself a single moment of satisfaction — both for the crit and the clueless look on Tonooka’s face — and then took off running.
He wanted out, out from Tonooka and his life and everything. Out from his bullies and sister and parents and fucking Tonooka and even himself.
Itaru just wanted to be free from it all.
”Itaru!”
He couldn’t bear to look at Tonooka and forced his gaze upwards, at-
At the green light staring down at him.
A truck horn was blasting in his ears, and maybe if he wasn’t frozen he could’ve made it, but-
But all he could do was stand there as it hit him, throwing him to the side.
In all the isekai manga and games he’d absorbed, the moments the truck hit were backstory. Plot device. They didn’t really linger on just how fucking much it hurt.
For a brief moment, he was airborne, weightless. Like he could fly away from all his pain and all his problems.
And then he hit the concrete. Hard.
Cold, sharp pain lanced through him, from every inch of his body. He couldn’t move his neck — which probably should have worried him more — so he couldn’t look down at himself to see if all his bones were really shattered into a million pieces like they felt.
He was on his back, staring up at a clear sky. Maybe when he opened his eyes again, the screams and honks around him would be replaced by the gentle KniRoun OST.
He closed his eyes and opened them again. No luck.
Huh. Itaru was really dying, huh? He should have been more scared, but for some reason, all he really felt was… disappointment.
Was this really all he got? Eighteen years with nothing worthwhile to show for it?
I haven’t even found someone to like myself yet…
It hadn’t been a thing he’d consciously wanted, but someone who knew all of him and still accepted him, and never betrayed him, had always been something Itaru thought about. In quiet moments, late at night, especially after… well, Tonooka.
A good old-fashioned, reliable Player Two. Well, if his vision blurring was any indicator, Itaru would die having always been a solo player.
Itaru closed his eyes, the ringing in his ears drowning out Tonooka’s loud screams of his name. The pain was beginning to fade away, along with everything else.
Ah… so this is it.
As Itaru felt himself slip away, the last thing that lingered was a faint sense of regret.
Everything was blazing hot.
Everything was unflinchingly bright.
Especially the bright brown eyes looking down at him.
Eyes? Something like eyes…
There was kindness within them.
There was pity within them.
The woman reached out her hand.
He didn’t think.
He took her hand.
Coming back to consciousness was weird.
For one, Itaru had more or less accepted his death. He wasn’t happy about it, but what else could he have done about it? For another, he wasn’t in any pain. Instead, he just felt… tired.
“Fufu…you’re quite a heavy sleeper, huh? Itaru-kun.”
Itaru’s eyes flew open.
A serene face gazed down at him, framed by silver hair floating on the wind.
For a moment, all Itaru could do was stare back at him. Then, he shoved himself back, flying to his feet.
“What the fuck, what the fuck, oh holy shit what the fuck,” he mumbled, glancing around. The world around him looked relatively the same: it was still springtime, with clear skies and cherry blossoms in bloom. The road was empty except for the other person, now a couple feet away.
“I always forget how disorientating it must be,” he mused, tilting his head with an apologetic smile. “My apologies.”
“What are you talking about,” Itaru said faintly. Had the universe listened to him? Had he really been reborn? It was the same world, which did admittedly suck, but-
What else could it be? He was back and fine, when he had been hit by a truck- well, it felt like minutes ago.
The person held up his hands, still smiling gently. “Let’s see… ah, right. You’re not really dead anymore Itaru-kun. But you’re not really alive. Moreso… you’ve been granted a second chance.”
Things like this didn’t happen to people like Itaru. And yet, it was all here in front of him. His heart pounded in his ears- not with the excitement he’d always had when imagining being the main character of an isekai. No, it was fear.
Something white flared in the corners of his vision.
He jerked- then paused.
What was in the edges of his vision were wings. White and fluffy, like a bird. He twisted his head, peering at where they began.
Which was his fucking back.
Okay. Okay, sure, yeah. Every isekai character got some buff when they were reborn. Sometimes it was endless rebirths, sometimes it was magical powers, and for Itaru… it was wings.
The same kind of wings the other person had, although larger than Itaru’s. The other person advanced slowly, hands still up.
Itaru watched him approach. He didn’t back away, not even as he grabbed Itaru by the shoulders and gently turned him around. Itaru’s backwards retreat had brought them to the edge of the road, in front of a store with large windows. In them, he could see his reflection.
The realization hit him like a truck. Literally, actually, and Itaru could say that for certain now.
His hair had been leeched of all its color, glinting silver. The tips of it were now bright white instead of light blond. His eyes, which had always been a sharp pink, were vivid red now.
Even his school uniform had changed. His blazer was gone; a kevlar vest was in its place. And instead of being purple, his pants were dark red.
The strange person behind him was much the same- silver hair and red eyes, snowy wings and red-accented outfit.
“You’ve been reborn into a Cupid,” the person said softly. “Don’t worry- my name is Azuma, and I’ll be your mentor.”
What in the actual, literal, genuine fuck.
Itaru took a shaky breath. Then another.
He had always wished to be reborn into a different life. Maybe this was just Itaru’s fault for not being specific enough, landing him right back into the same world he'd wanted to escape from. In any case… he’d just have to live with this. Or not live. Whatever.
“Okay,” he said quietly. He cleared his throat. “Okay. Explain.”
The other Cupid — Azuma — giggled and withdrew his hands. Itaru spun, to meet his eyes.
“The Goddess of Love has chosen you, as a person who died too soon without experiencing romantic love, to gain the ability to give humans romantic love. Every time you succeed, you gain karma, and when you gain enough, you’ll be reborn into the human world. Until then, you won’t age or be able to fall in love.”
Itaru blinked.
He’d really died. Right there in the middle of the road.
Right in front of Tonooka.
Itaru… didn’t really care what happened to him. But dying in front of him seemed a bit, well…
“Would you like to see him?”
“Eh?”
Azuma giggled, tilting his head. His loose ponytail fell from over his shoulder. “Your friend- Tonooka? He’s not far. If you want to check in on him, that is.”
He shouldn’t. He really fucking shouldn’t. He should stick to what he told Tonooka, that he didn’t care about him or any of it. But…
Itaru hesitated, but nodded. Just to make sure Tonooka wasn’t, like, dead or something.
Azuma waved for Itaru to follow him. The two of them left the road, walking down towards the train station.
“Don’t worry about a train ticket,” Azuma said, “we’re invisible to humans.” All Itaru could do was nod and follow, watching as people didn’t even notice the two of them. At one point, Azuma’s hand seemed to go straight through a little girl’s head.
He followed Azuma’s lead as he got on the train marked for Shinjuku. It was mostly empty, and they were able to sit at the back of the train.
An advertisement hung outside the window facing the station. Itaru squinted at it. His vision seemed fixed — he didn't think he was wearing his contacts but he could see clearly — but it couldn’t be. It couldn't be, because…
“Hey, Azuma-san,” he said slowly. “That movie poster doesn’t say 'Number 3', right?”
Azuma leaned over slightly, bringing his face close to Itaru’s. “Hmm… no, it does. Is that a problem?” He turned to look at Itaru, barely an inch away from his face.
Which meant nothing, obviously. It wasn’t like this was the most attractive person who’d ever been near him or anything.
Itaru mentally shook himself.
Turn his brain off. Turn it back on. Reboot.
“The second movie in that franchise is going to come out next year. How could number three be coming out already?”
Azuma drew back with a frown. “Itaru, you…” He took a breath, seemingly reconsidering his words. “Coming back to existence takes time. You’ve come back to the same day, exactly five years in the future.”
Five years.
Five years.
Five years.
Itaru had been dead for five years. The world had moved on without him for five years. His sister and parents and every teacher and classmate he’d ever had had lived for five years with the knowledge that Itaru Chigasaki had died.
The world seemed to fall away around him, as well as all his air. He gasped, but all he could do was choke on nothing. This was game over. Itaru was going to die. Again.
“Deep breaths,” a voice said in his ear. Someone took Itaru’s hand in theirs, rubbing the back of his hand with their thumb.
Yeah. Deep breaths. Itaru tried.
You may not breathe right now, there’s a panic attack nearby.
Oh, yay. Great.
Itaru squeezed his eyes closed, leaning back against the wall of the train car. He abandoned any hope of breathing, resolving to just wait out the tidal wave of existential panic.
All the while, Azuma held Itaru’s hand tightly.
Was it hours? Days? Logically, it couldn't have been, but also logically, five years shouldn't pass in the blink of an eye. No matter how long it actually was, it felt like an eternity of choking on panic.
Eventually, Itaru could suck in a large breath, and then another. The world seemed to settle around him.
Okay. Itaru had been dead. That… yeah, fucking sucked, but he couldn’t do anything about it. All he could do was fold up everything and stuff in a box, and then shove it deep into the dark corners of his mind.
What he did need to worry about was…
“Azuma-san?”
“Hm? Are you feeling better?”
“Oh… yeah. But, uh, you said I can come back if I get enough karma points.”
“Well, it’s just karma, but yes. Why?”
“When I do that… do I get to go back to five years ago?”
Azuma’s silence said everything that the Cupid didn’t.
Okay. Sure. One more thing for the box.
Itaru took a last breath and opened his eyes. Just to his left, Azuma hovered. Sympathy was written in his face, down to the golden flecks in his ruby eyes.
“Sorry about that,” Itaru said, arranging his features into something palatable.
“Don’t apologize,” Azuma said, firmly. “None of us had an easy adjustment to this kind of life.”
Itaru hesitated but let himself frown and huffed a breath, brushing his now lightened hair from his eyes. It had been all too easy to fall into the character Konomi had made for him with Azuma, despite all that it had done to him.
Now, he was dead. Or, not really, but same thing. Itaru was basically dead, and had been dead for five years, and he’d never even liked pretending in the first place.
He bid a goodbye to the fake Itaru Chigasaki that Konomi had written into existence.
The train ground to a halt.
Azuma stood and offered his hand.
Itaru gave himself one more moment to breathe before taking it.
The walk through Shinjuku was overwhelming. Itaru had never really been to the city before, and even though he’d seen it portrayed plenty of times in games and anime, he hadn’t expected it to be so… much.
Azuma knew where he was going, though, and he held Itaru’s hand tight as he guided him through the throngs of people.
Which Itaru refused to think about.
Because no matter what Itaru thought or felt, Azuma had spelled it out: Cupids didn’t fall into love. No matter what Itaru wanted, nothing would happen.
And really, Itaru should not even think about love for himself, considering what happened the last time.
It was no use even thinking about it then.
And besides, Itaru had bigger problems right now.
The two of them stepped into the campus of Waseda University. The crowds were now mostly made up of students, walking in small groups of friends. They weren’t much older than Itaru felt, but they seemed so different from him.
Normies, he wanted to shrug and say, but…
They all had friends. People who liked them. Somebody even had a keychain from a game Itaru recognized and they still had two people walking with them. They had had time to level up, past all of their childish problems.
If I had had the chance, could I have…?
Itaru shook his head. It was no use thinking about that.
Ahead of him, Azuma consulted a couple documents before tucking them in manila folder — that Itaru didn't realize he'd had — and glanced over his shoulder. He gestured to the left, and Itaru sped up to follow him. Azuma rounded a corner, ducked around a tree, and then moved out of the way so Itaru could see-
Tonooka. Tonooka Takumi.
He looked...
He...
He was- older. Somewhat the same — Itaru recognized the dark eyes, the floppy hair, slightly crooked teeth — but at the same time, it was somebody different. A couple centimeters taller, a new pair of real-looking glasses, and a more fragile set to his shoulders.
"We can leave now, if you want," Azuma said next to him, settling a hand onto Itaru's shoulder. "Confronting the past is..."
He didn't finish.
Itaru grit his teeth. "I'm fine," he muttered.
Tonooka was sitting in a group of people, the center of attention. It was just like high school, before and after Itaru. The normie Tonooka, with all of his friends that he didn't really like.
Or maybe he did, and he'd been lying to Itaru for a lot longer than he'd realized.
Itaru cleared his throat, looking away. "So, is this just, like, 'fun trip down memory lane' type shit, or...?"
After a beat of simply staring at him, Azuma said, "I thought that you'd like to do your first mission with... someone close to home."
Itaru's stomach dropped. "You're kidding."
Azuma sighed. "I suppose I forgot how painful it can be to revisit the past," he said. His wings trembled slightly, little white feathers falling like snow. "Or maybe I forgot that..."
He trailed off, staring into the distance. Total main character vibes, Itaru couldn't help but think.
In all honesty, Itaru wanted to run. He wanted to run far away and avoid running into the fucking road like an idiot and never see any of this again. He just wanted...
Well. He couldn't say he wanted to be reborn, could he? He already was. And it didn't help him any.
A new life, a handful of OP powers, and he was still in the same place as before.
Running wouldn't help, would it? Itaru would be stuck with himself no matter how far he ran.
But what could he do? A mission meant making someone fall in love, and if it was Tonooka, then that was going to just great, considering what had just happened to the last guy Tonooka went and-
Itaru took a breath.
What would Lancelot do?
Before his sister's character sheets, that was his single cheat code: WWLD?
Lancelot... wouldn't run from his problems. He'd steel himself and face his problems head on, with courage befitting of a knight of King Arthur's table.
So even if he would sort of rather be hit by a truck again...
"Okay."
Azuma blinked, looking around rapidly. "What?"
Itaru smiled wryly. "I'm here, so I might as well. Do I get a bow or something? Because, I hate to break it to you, but my aim is probably gonna be shit."
"No," Azuma said slowly, like he was still half-asleep. Then, he shook himself, and shot Itaru a sly smile. "We've modernized, thankfully."
From his coat, he withdrew a snow-white pistol, an interlocking pattern of hearts and thorn-bushes engraved in it.
"Holy fuck," Itaru breathed. Azuma giggled, taking a step closer to properly hand Itaru the gun.
A gun. In Itaru's hands.
"Okay, gonna be real here, the only guns I've used have been 2D. This could be worse than the bow."
"This is a relatively low-stakes job, so you should be able to take it at close range," Azuma said, glancing back at Tonooka and his friends. "The basics should be fine for now. I'll help you train later."
"You will?"
"I'm you reliable senior, after all," Azuma said, his smile curling up further. "Isn't that my job?"
“…right.” Itaru adjusted the gun in his hand. It was cold, and heavier than he expected it to be. “For now, just the quick walkthrough, though.”
“Right,” Azuma said. “Let’s follow them and I’ll explain the basics.” He gestured to where Tonooka and his friends had started to walk off, talking amongst themselves about going to see the cherry blossoms.
For someone as gentle-looking as Azuma, he was surprisingly knowledgeable about guns. I just have experience, he said when Itaru brought it up. How much experience, he didn’t say, but it must have been months, if not years.
How long had Azuma been dead? How long would Itrau be dead?
He pushed that aside, flicking the safety of the gun off and on. Up ahead, Tonooka walked as the center of his friend group, the main character. Funnily enough, he wasn’t talking much, cracking stupid jokes like in high school. He just laughed along mostly, nodding along with whatever the people around him were saying.
-aru-kun. Itaru-kun.” Azuma frowned at him, his brow furrowing. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?”
“Oh yeah, I’m great,” Itaru said, feeling pretty not great.
Azuma raised an eyebrow, and for a second, Itaru thought he was going to press. Instead, he said, “there is just one more thing.”
“Yeah? What?”
“You have to make sure people are compatible when you shoot them. If not, then the bullet simply won’t work. Usually, I try to look for people similar to their past crushes.”
“Is that not an option?”
Wordlessly, Azuma held out the folder. Itaru took it, skimming it to the end. There, under a nice bold ‘Past Loves’, was a hell of a lot of black space.
Mostly black space.
There were two lines of text.
Name: Itaru Chigasaki
Duration: 2011-2015
That was it.
“Oh. So…”
“Yes. ‘Oh.’ It seems we’ll have to use plan B,” Azuma said, taking back his manila folder.
“And what is plan B, exactly?”
Azuma smiled. Itrau couldn’t tell if it was pitying, kind, or just plan sad.
“How good are you at acting, Itaru-kun?”
He walked Itaru through the process slowly. It was easy enough, but Itaru kept spacing out. After the third or so time, Azuma stopped asking him about it and just repeated himself until he got a nod.
With hindsight, it was easy to see that this had been a terrible idea. He had just thought that…
That he’d give anything to get closure on his past, no matter how painful
He’d assumed that Itaru would need it in the same way he did: an all-consuming ache, a bottomless pit that he could never fill.
His family was dead. Not Cupids, just dead.
Itaru had one clear tether to his past, a heart that never moved on or let go in the same way his parents or sister did. All he’d wanted to do was make sure Itrau didn’t end up like him.
But they were very different, weren’t they? He and Itaru.
Itaru turned over the gun in his hands again, finger twitching on the safety. Then, he said, “is the tutorial over?”
“Yes, I suppose.” He hesitated, then said, “good luck.”
Itaru looked at him. His face was completely empty, such a contrast to the myriad of emotions in his eyes. He smiled, lovely and bright and plastic around the edges. “Oh, yeah. Totally.”
Under his breath, as he stepped forward, Azuma heard him mumble, “Quest start. Difficulty: ultra hard mode.”
Itrau was clearly terrified, but still stepped forward to face his past.
In his place, could Azuma do the same?
But that wasn’t a problem to dwell on. Here, he was Itaru’s reliable senior. A distant sort of figure by design. Not a friend, not a stranger. A comfortable, even medium.
As Azuma followed Itaru, keeping pace as he managed to curl his wings in and greet the group of students, he pushed away the thought that he really hated comfortable, even mediums.
He had been a little concerned that it wasn’t going to work. It seemed a little too easy: curl in his wings and then he was, magically, visible to people.
But it was immediate to see: the second he did so, Azuma flickered out of view and people started to notice him.
It was just like high school. That first day, walking in and suddenly having people pay him attention. And a good kind of attention. Like his game had suddenly been switched to easy mode. No bullies tripping him or classmates ignoring him.
Just as easily as becoming visible, Itaru fell into his old act.
Sure, he’d said he was getting rid of it, but… that was for the world of Cupids.
That was for Azuma.
Tonooka and all his friends…
They didn’t get to see the real him.
“Hey,” he said, smiling brightly. “I’m here for a campus tour. I was told that a Tonooka Takumi would be showing me around…?”
Tonooka blinked, staring hard. “Oh. Uh, yeah, that’s me.” Then he recovered, smiling back. And all at once, he was alive again, running over to Tonooka so they could go and play KniRoun together. It was just all just the same, and he almost expected Tonooka’s eyes to flash with recognition.
Instead, all he did was hold out his hand and ask, “so, what grade are you in?”
Itaru tried to recover gracefully, shaking Tonooka’s hand. Tonooka had never been observant, so maybe he didn’t notice Itaru’s trembling hand. “I’m Itaru, a third year in high school.”
Tonooka’s smile faltered. “A third year named Itrau…?”
He nodded wordlessly, waiting.
But all Tonooka did was say, quietly, “what a coincidence.”
There was something like affection in his voice. Itaru wanted to lunge forward, tell him he didn’t get to feel like that, didn’t get to miss him.
All he did was swallow, force his smile wider, and wait.
“Y’know,” Tonooka said eventually, glancing behind him, “we’re all going to watch the cherry blossoms. How about you come with, and I’ll show you around later?”
“Sounds good.” Tonooka nodded, and held out his arm, gesturing for Itaru to walk ahead.
He hesitated.
He needed to move but he just… he couldn’t. Itaru couldn’t do this. Who the fuck was he kidding?
He wasn’t Lancelot. He never could be.
He was just Itaru Chigasaki, the same coward in death as in life. The one who wanted to run and hide instead of move forward.
He couldn’t do this.
Something brushed against his upper back. Like the wind, or maybe a hand. Not pushing him forward or pulling him back, just… there. Calm and reassuring.
In the corner of his eyes, he thought he saw a flash of white.
Itaru took a deep breath and avoided Tonooka’s eyes as he walked forward.
Finding someone compatible for Tonooka was hard.
And it wasn’t just that he thought pretty much anybody could do better than him. It was just that…
A girl sidled up next to him and asked him for a favor. Tonooka said he was busy.
A different girl wondered if he’d ever have free time. Tonooka shrugged her off.
A boy slung an arm over his shoulders and said something into his ear. Tonooka laughed politely and ducked out of his grasp.
Itaru knew he was good at reading people, especially Tonooka. Everything about him was the same, from his laugh to his tone of voice to his appearance, but he was behaving nothing like the Tonooka that Itaru had known.
Like opening a familiar game only to find that all the controls were switched. Try to jump, duck left instead. Try to run away, and instead you advance.
Itaru scanned the group, but nobody caught his eye- or Tonooka’s actually.
Maybe this is a sign that Tonooka doesn’t deserve to love someone again, a cold voice in his head whispered.
He held back a sigh, tipping his head upwards. Maybe he needed to slip into a corner and slip into being a Cupid again, ask his trusty mentor for advice.
But asking for a hint sort of felt like giving up. It shouldn’t be this hard, really. Everyone was pretty much throwing himself at Tonooka — unable to sense his true character, Itrau guessed — but that didn’t seem to do it for him.
So they needed to be more reserved, then. Smart enough to see who Tonooka really was, and either stupid or sweet enough to still want to be with him. Someone like-
“Ah- Itaru-kun?”
He glanced over.
A boy, probably older than him with dark golden hair, smiled slightly nervously.
“Oh- yeah,” he said. “And, you are-?”
“Mizuno Kaya.” Itaru blinked. Even a country kid like Itaru could recognize that name. Still, his association went about as deep as ‘money’. “Tonooka-kun really is popualr,” Mizuno said.
Itaru followed his gaze to Tonooka, and glanced back in time to see the slightly wistful look in Mizuno’s eyes. “Yeah, I guess he is,” he said quietly.
“We aren’t usually this rowdy- I hope it doesn’t put you off,” Mizuno worried. “It’s just that Tonooka-kun usually spends this time of year hidden away in his room, so everyone is excited about it.”
“Oh yeah? Do you know why?” Mizuno’s smile faltered a little bit. “If that’s too personal,” Itaru began, backtracking.
“N- no, it’s- I mean, I don’t even know,” he said. “He just gets a sad look in his eyes, and- I get the feeling that he’s missing someone. But I’m probably projecting. In any case, I just hope he has a good time today.” Mizuno watched Tonooka carefully, something hesitant but hopeful in his gaze.
Ah… so that’s how it is.
Mizuno wasn’t a bad option, but Itaru needed to make sure of something before he did anything. As it was, he made idle conversation with Mizuno as their group carried on. Eventually, they slowed to a stop in a little patch of grass, one of them producing a blanket from somewhere. Conversation picked up idly, chatting about studies or parties or whatever else normie college students cared about.
And Itaru quickly realized that Mizuno being a little socially inept was working against him hard. Every so often, it looked like Mizuni would start a conversation with Tonooka, but he always stopped before he started. And Tonooka never noticed.
Yeah, you're not observant, but seriously?
Itaru needed to take this into his own hands.
He cleared his throat and stood. "I'm going to get a drink. Mizuno-san, Tono- Tonooka-san, will you come with me?" The two agreed readily, and it only took a quick smile to get the others in the group to settle back down and stop offering to come with.
"Ah, I think I forgot how nice spring really is," Tonooka mused, stretching his arms over his head.
Mizuno parted his lips, then closed them again. Itaru was going to kick him, until he blurted, "you still have plenty of time to enjoy the springtime, Tonooka-kun. If you want to, that is."
"Well, why wouldn't I want to?" Tonooka stepped forward briskly to hurry over to the vending machine.
"Y'know," Itaru said quietly, "he seems like kind of a-" He paused. "-a jerk," he decided on, mentally screaming a variety of other options. "You could find somebody nicer, don't ya think?"
"Wh- that's not- I-" Mizuno stumbled over his words until his eyes caught on Itaru's. He moved his lips soundlessly before sighing heavily, smiling ruefully. "How obvious was I?"
"Eh. Not as much as everyone else."
"So, very." He sighed again, louder. "I know. Tonooka-kun is rude. A lot. And sometimes, I don't think he realizes that his actions have consequences. Or, more so Tonooka-kun doesn't mind the consequences for other people."
"You know this, and you still...?" Itaru had no idea how to finish that sentence.
Mizuno just shook his head. "I don't want to be the type of person to just give up without a fight," he said simply. "Not anymore." He jogged forward to the vending machine.
Huh... is he one of those I-can-fix-him types? But that didn't seem right. If anything, Mizuno's smile seemed more self-deprecating than delusional. The whole thing left Itaru feeling a bit off-balance, just waiting for the bass to kick in and the final boss to appear.
But. He didn't want to be here longer than he had to, and Mizuno was the best choice there was. If Itaru was smart, he'd just take the shot.
Take the damn shot, Itaru.
Tonooka turned slightly. "Hey, Itaru-kun, do you want-?"
He flung his wings out, bracing for- well, some kind of reaction. He knew what Azuma had said, but he still held himself ready to run in case eyes (eyes eyes eyes) decided to bore into him.
Tonooka blinked, hand frozen in the midst of feeding another bill into the machine.
Mizuno cleared his throat. "Are you getting another, Tonooka-kun?'
"What? Uh- no, no, one's enough." Tonooka stood, shaking his head. The two of them walked right past Itaru without sparing him a glance.
Moment of truth.
Itaru withdrew the gun Azuma had given him from his coat. He followed the two of them as they settled on a bench. All he had to do was wait until Tonooka was looking at Mizuno.
"You don't have to push yourself."
"Eh?"
Tonooka stared at Mizuno, poorly concealing his bewilderment. All Mizuno did was laugh quietly, kicking the ground. "I apologize if this is overstepping, but... I couldn't help but notice that you never leave your room this time of year. If you want to enjoy it, you should, but don't force yourself. You will be ready in time."
Itaru blinked. Mizuno was more observant than he thought. If anything, though, that made Mizuno an even better choice. At least one of them needed to be observant, after all, and it wasn't going to be Tonooka.
Tonooka, whose jaw was hanging open as he stared at Mizuno. Eventually, he let out a single bark of laughter. "Huh. Well."
"If that was too much-"
"It's not that," Tonooka interrupted heedlessly. "It's just- not something I really talk about."
"You can," Mizuno quietly prompted. "I won't make you, but..."
Tonooka let out a breath. "Might as well," he muttered. He looked... nervous.
Your life didn't get ruined, jackass. Worried he's going to think you're a dick? If he did, he'd be right.
Or is that what you're really scared of?
Tonooka averted his eyes, staring off into the distance. "My high school was... well. The teachers didn't care enough to really discipline us, so bullying and social structures were intense. I was the class clown, I guess, so I fit in to my place. But I was kind of... eh, aimless. I didn't have any real friends. Sure, I wasn't bullied, but everything revolved around not getting bullied.
"One day, I left something behind. I don't remember what, anymore. There was a classmate of mine behind. His name was... Itaru. Itaru Chigasaki. He'd dropped something — a keychain — and I picked it up for him. But it wasn't just any key chain, it was an exclusive from a video game. Knights of Round.
"And when he realized I wasn't going to make fun of him or expose him as a nerd to everyone, he looked at me like... I dunno. But then I had my first friend.
"The person I got to know wasn't like his fragile prince persona. He was a real otaku, even more hardcore than me. More than that, I was his first friend, too. And he looked at me different than everyone else. I needed that. Not just in general, but from him. I didn't realize why until later, but- when I did, it was like someone shot me with a damn bullet."
Tonooka laughed without humor, shaking his head.
"Over time, Chiga eased up with his persona in front of other people. Wasn't full-out, obviously, but video games were becoming a little less weird. He'd crack more jokes, smile a little bit more... like he did in private. It made me so mad. I wanted to grab him and shake him, so that he wouldn't be looking at anyone else.
"After a couple months, Chiga called across the room to me. Asked a specific question about KinRoun. I felt everything that I'd worked to build-up come under attack. I brushed him off and went home.
"I began to think, later. If Chiga kept getting more comfortable, if he started looking at other people like how he looked at him... I couldn't stand it. The idea of him paying attention to anybody else made me sick. I was pumped full of adrenaline. I was terrified. I needed to do something to keep everyone else away from him. Or to keep him away from everyone else.
"So the next day, I told everyone everything."
"Everything?" Mizuno leaned in, brow furrowing. "What does that mean?"
Tonooka shrugged. "Everything. That Chiga was pretending to be sick to get out of PE, that he was a huge nerd and just lied about it, that he was just a liar and a weirdo. That's what I said. Everyone was just laughing and egging me on, and then I looked up and he was in the doorway and..."
Itaru couldn't tear his eyes away. He was frozen in place, gun shakily pointed between Tonooka's eyes. The ones filled with a hell of a lot of stuff but not regret.
"I should have felt bad. But he was looking at me like I just ended his world. And I knew that I was the only person who could have done that. I changed his life. I didn't care how, I just..." Tonooka trailed off, smiling faintly.
Itaru lowered the gun.
Tonooka was still the same person. The type…
The type to destroy people in his fucked up way of loving.
Could Itaru really make that happen again, knowing what had happened to him the last time?
Mizuno stared at Tonooka, looking more shocked than anything else. He said nothing, just watched, his drink forgotten in his hands.
"I tried to tell him that he could spill my secrets, but he just looked at me and said, I already don't care. Chiga was smart, he must have realized that that would hurt me more than anything. But he still said it.
"Afterwards, he wouldn't pay me any attention. Everyone turned on him, bullied him for being- well, more for being a liar than anything else, I think. I was still the only person who accepted him, so I thought he'd come back."
"He didn't, did he?"
"No... no, he didn't."
"Damn right," Itaru muttered.
Was this closure? This God-awful feeling like he'd never feel warm again? He was cold and sick, he- he never wanted anyone to ever look at him again. Knowing what it could turn into- how was he supposed to ever be okay with anyone perceiving him again, when apparently just looking at someone and trusting them was enough to spawn this?
"I chased him down after school one day," Tonooka continued, his voice suddenly shaking. "Told him that I- I loved him, that we could work things out. Because we were in love. This was- was today, actually, it's the anniversary of- of..."
"...of?"
Tonooka laughed bitterly, putting his glasses in his pocket and pressing his hands to his eyes. "Chiga ran. He ran, straight into the road, and I tried to- to- but there was a truck and it just-" He made a strangled noise, like a sob.
Itaru wanted to turn visible again, just so he could punch him. It'd hurt Itaru more than Tonooka, knowing his strength stat, but he didn't care.
How fucking dare he? How dare he sob over Itaru after this?
Mizuno stared at Tonooka, unblinking. "You never moved on," he said quietly.
"How could I? I pushed myself forward, studied hard and got into a good university, but every time I went to bed, I was in high school again. Sometimes, the dreams were good, and Chiga was there and we were good, but...
"You know, I've thought about it a lot. Especially this time of year. I- I loved him, I think. More than anything, I needed him. I thought I couldn't live without him, and that was love.
"But I've been living without him for years, now. I'm in college, and Itaru will never graduate high school. I've made it so far without him. So maybe I just loved him, not needed him. And..."
Tonooka dropped his hands, tipped his head back. Stared up at the clear blue sky stretching on forever. "I can't change a damn thing with Chiga. That's just a part of me. But now, I have his damn voice in my head. Every so often, I can just hear him perfectly, like he's standing right in front of me. And he's..."
"He's fucking what," Itaru demanded of the boy who ruined his life, who had no idea he was really right there.
"He's never going to forgive me. But he also won't let me screw over anybody else like that. I don't think I can love normally, but I have someone to remind me that just because it's love, it's not- it's not just okay. And maybe, one day, Itaru will smile at me."
Mizuno swallowed, looking down at his hand. Then, slowly, he said, "you really have tried to change, haven't you?"
"I couldn't realize that I needed to on my own, could I? Chiga needed to die in front of me, and being honest, I still... I don't know if I get it. Logically, I do, but..." Tonooka took a breath. "Either way, I've tried. To be normal, to be... better. For myself, for anybody else I might fall for, and for him."
"For Itaru," Mizuno said. "I won't forget him, now, so we can remember him together."
Tonooka laughed. "You don't have to pretend to get it. You can run for the hills now."
Mizuno's smile faded. "My parents forced me to leave my childhood best friend — my first love — because they thought he wasn't good enough for me. I didn't do a thing to stop it. I gave up. You... you were horrible, but you didn't give up. You didn't let yourself stay that way. Even if you don't get it, or it's not wholly for you, you still didn't give up. So maybe it's wrong of me, but I don't want to give up on you."
Itaru swallowed.
This wasn't forgiveness. This wasn't acceptance.
This was...
Itaru raised his gun.
"I never want to see you again," he said to nobody. But..."
Tonooka turned towards Mizuno, face thoughtful in a way Itaru had never seen it.
"If I'm moving on, so should you. We both need to... move forward. So."
Itaru took a deep breath.
Then he pulled the trigger.
The bullet found its mark easily, amidst a small plume of heart-shaped smoke. Tonooka's eyes widened, staring at Mizuno.
"This is goodbye."
Mizuno looked back at Tonooka, shyly.
"Is something wrong, Tonooka-kun?"
"N-no, it's- nothing. We should head back, actually."
"Oh, you're right."
The two of them gathered their things and walked away. Mizuno didn't look back. Tonooka...
He glanced over his shoulder. He couldn't stare at Itaru, he couldn't see Itaru but... it was close. He smiled.
Itaru couldn't smile in the face of Tonooka's happiness. He still felt cold and sick and maybe a bit scared. Like he wanted to run.
But he just watched Tonooka turn back around and leave.
Itaru stood alone, still smoking gun in hand, underneath the cherry blossoms. It was quiet and still, in a way Itaru didn't think he'd ever appreciated before.
And, for a brief second, Itaru let his mind run away to a different world, where everything was okay. He was strong and brave and didn't run away. He wasn't whole, but he still moved forward with broken pieces.
Taking a deep breath, Itaru turned and left.
Azuma was perched in the lower branches of a cherry blossom tree, a light pink box in his hands. When he caught sight of Itaru, he smiled and hopped down, gliding to the ground in front of him.
"I figured you'd want a treat afterwards," he said, flipping the box open.
Inside was a large cupcake, decorated intricately. It was a sword and an axe, crossed over a shield. Itaru would recognize it anywhere.
"There was a special event at the bakery," Azuma explained. "A collaboration with a video game. It's charming, no?"
Itaru stared at him. Then, he laughed: not the fake, perfect laugh he'd engineered over weeks, but genuine, ugly cackling. Azuma smiled quizzically at him, amusement glinting in his eyes.
"Charming," Itaru echoed, breathlessly. "For sure. Thanks."
Azuma titled his head as handed over the box. "I assume everything went well, then?"
Itaru paused, and then nodded slowly. "I've cleared this boss, but I don't think it was the final boss, y'know? I've still got some leveling to do."
"Fufu. Well, surely that can wait until after we've eaten. Shall we?"
Azuma held out his hand.
Itaru didn't hesitated before grabbing it.
Affection and pride bloomed in a pair of limitless brown eyes.