Work Text:
“Using their last gold coin, the animals of the forest hire a down-and-out detective, who happens to be the only one around. You. After explaining the situation, they ask you to deduce who was responsible for the fire. Who do you think is the culprit?”
Li Tianxi bites her lip, turning the question over and over in her head. Her hands come up to sign something, before she cuts her motions short and drops her hands back down. She repeats the same motion two more times.
She already has an answer, but is hesitant to say it.
(Note to self: make sure to thank Xiao Weiying later for pestering me into learning CSL. Though now I have to wonder if having Li Tianxi as a client wasn’t a coincidence after all…)
After a pause, Li Tianxi asks a question Wang Qing rarely gets from clients when they hear this particular personality test. She signs, hesitantly, [What does it mean to be a culprit?]
Wang Qing smiles. “As the detective, that’s up to you. What do you think it means? There are no right or wrong answers here. I’m interested to hear your thought process.”
Those seem to be the magic words she needed to hear. Li Tianxi nods to herself before continuing. [Are the animals looking for the one who started the fire, or are they looking for someone to blame because the fire grew? These can be two different animals, but they both share the responsibility for why the forest burned down.]
Despite her reluctance earlier, she seems to be making an earnest effort to engage with therapy. She seems to respond positively to being told that there are no right or wrong answers. Note to self: explore ways to facilitate harmless decision making to build her confidence.
Wang Qing writes RESPONSIBILITY and BLAME in big, bold letters on her notepad. Something to look into later. “That sounds reasonable. In that case, who do you think is the culprit?”
[The rabbits,] Li Tianxi immediately signs. Her explanation comes at a slower pace, only responding to fill the silence as Wang Qing simply nods her head and patiently waits for her to continue. Silence always works. [There aren’t enough clues to deduce who started the fire, but maybe the forest could have been saved if the rabbits helped instead of running away.]
No hesitation. Did she already choose the rabbits from the beginning?
“Do you think it’s wrong of them for trying to survive?”
[No, but I think it’s understandable if the other animals blamed them anyway.] There is a slight stutter in her movements as she signs the last half of her sentence.
She doesn’t see herself as the detective.
Is she the rabbit in this story, or the other animals?
“I see. Thank you for sharing your insight, Detective Li.”
🎨
Assessment of progress
Prior to the intake session, client’s brother expressed doubts over therapeutic interventions, and concerns about the emotional toll of some activities, such as relying heavily on verbal communication. Appears more open to the idea upon learning that I can understand basic CSL and can facilitate a therapy session with clients who prefer to have a non-verbal communication style.
During the first session, client was fidgety, engaged in self-soothing behaviors, avoided eye contact, and appeared unsure of how to articulate her responses to questions. Responded positively to having a therapist who knows sign language. Responded very positively when it’s reinforced that her thoughts will not be judged or deemed “incorrect” at any point during the session.
Client exhibited signs of anxiety and seems to be processing complex emotions relating to grief and trauma, including guilt. Her primary coping strategy seems consistent with maladaptive avoidance.
Client was initially hesitant, but eventually grew curious and receptive to the therapeutic process in the middle of the second session. Dialectical behavior therapy techniques were employed, focusing on mindfulness and emotional regulation.
Plan for next session
Client's agreement to trying art therapy next session indicates an openness to employ self-help strategies to articulate and explore her emotions further. Session might start with a structured directive until client is ready to take a more self-directed approach.
🎨
Art materials are strewn about on the floor of Wang Qing’s office. They could use a table, but Li Tianxi seems more comfortable working without one, preferring to lean down to draw, and having all the materials scattered around her in a way that looks disorganized to the outsider. For Li Tianxi, however, there is a clear system with the way she’s rearranging her work station to her liking.
Li Tianxi brought her own materials, per Wang Qing’s homework to her. It was as simple task: bring any art materials you like to work with or are curious about. It could be anything. Crayons, paint, clay, puppets, scrapbooks, photographs. Li Tianxi brought a brand new sketchbook (never used before), markers, crayons, and watercolor brush pens. The latter is something new she wanted to try, rather than something she has experience working with.
It’s a small exercise of agency. Li Tianxi gets to practice making choices that are consequence-free, while staying true to her desires instead of what other people want or don’t want from her. That she would bring art materials she hasn’t used before is a good sign — she is open to trying new things and engaging with new experiences. That she believes there is enough rapport and trust for her to do so in front of me.
Apparently, according to her brother, Li Tianxi excitedly took him shopping around Bridon just for this session.
“I’ve never seen her this happy,” Li Tianchen admitted, just before the session started. Begrudging tone, defeated posture, a shift in his body language that Wang Qing could only describe as reluctant openness. There is a reason why he is now waiting patiently outside the room for 45 minutes, despite his skepticism.
It’s a shame that Li Tianchen isn’t ready yet to engage with therapy himself. Perhaps seeing small changes in his sister will encourage him? The more Li Tianxi gets to do new things outside of how they usually operate, the more friction this introduces in their relationship.
And yet, Li Tianchen waits by the door every session. He, too, is trying, in his own way.
Wang Qing sits down on the floor with her, of course. Keep eye contact level. Engage with the client to their comfort level. Li Tianxi is considerably more receptive to Wang Qing now than during the intake session a month before.
“Previously, you said that there are emotions within you that you struggle to understand, but would like to get to know more. We’ll be exploring some of them today. Is that alright with you?”
Li Tianxi nods.
“Okay. The process may be uncomfortable at times. If you feel overwhelmed, we can pause or stop at any time, just let me know. Remember, there are no right or wrong answers when you’re in this room. Now, why don’t we start with a little exercise? Remember the mindfulness exercises we talked about? Let’s start by centering ourselves. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and scan your body from head to toe. Is there a particular emotion you want to explore right now?”
Li Tianxi furrows her eyebrows in concentration. After a while, she signs, [Bad.]
“What kind of bad? Could you describe it for me?”
Li Tianxi opens her eyes and shakes her head. She looks down at her hands. [I don’t know. Just bad.]
From previous observations, this is Li Tianxi’s way of saying she’s disappointed with herself, particularly in areas where she cannot explain things or cannot create change. It must be frustrating not to be able to name her feelings on a more granular level.
“That’s alright.” Wang Qing gives a reassuring smile. “We can get to know this ‘bad feeling’ a little bit more. Notice how it settles in your body. Do you want it to go away? Are you afraid of it, or does it make you angry that it exists? Or are you curious about why it exists?”
Li Tianxi aborts a couple of signed sentences before finally settling on, […I don't like it, but I don't want it to go away. I don't know why. Is that weird?]
The way she signs has changed over the sessions. Whereas before, she hesitates to say anything and would stop herself when she feels self-conscious, now her aborted motions are due to her trying to articulate her thoughts in real time. She is showing a level of honesty and vulnerability that was more difficult to pull out of her in previous sessions.
“No, that’s not weird at all. These feelings are entirely valid, even if we can’t explain or understand them right now, because they point to some important values within yourself. Honor these feelings and see if you can approach them with a sense of curiosity and self-compassion. Do you think you want to get to know this feeling of ‘badness’ better?”
[I do.]
Wang Qing claps her hands together. This is going well, so far. “Wonderful! Why don’t we try drawing this bad feeling in your sketchbook? You can use any of the art materials you brought today. For some people, bad emotions can manifest as blobs, jagged lines, clouds, people, animals, or even places. How does this ‘bad feeling’ appear to you?”
Li Tianxi dithers from choosing between her crayons and brush pens, before picking up the colored markers instead. She puts them to paper, then stops. [What if I can't draw it well?]
Colored markers are the materials she’s halfway familiar with, according to Li Tianchen. She used to draw with crayons and colored pencils all the time; she hasn’t with brush pens. This is a middle ground option. That she would allow a little bit of experimentation during this activity is a good sign.
The corners of Wang Qing’s lips quirk up at that. Some clients tend to ask this during a session, treating art therapy like an art class instead of an opportunity for exploration and self-expression.
“I’ve been told that your brother enjoys your art. Allow yourself the space to do the same, to see what he sees. For now, we’re not aiming for something ‘drawn well’ but rather something ‘identifiable’ and true to your emotions. There is no right or wrong way to it. We want to illustrate your emotions on the page so you can get it outside of your head. And then we can introduce yourself to it. Take your time to complete the image.”
Li Tianxi does. She goes through several sketches. A fox, a rabbit, before eventually, she gets to the third page and completes the picture with a satisfied smile.
[I'm done.]
“Wonderful. How do you feel?”
Li Tianxi shrugs. Her breathing has slowed down since she started drawing, her shoulders more relaxed. [Okay. But I don't know how this will help.]
Li Tianxi doesn’t seem to be aware of how much art helps her feel at ease. Art journalling seems like an effective outlet for her emotions. Note to self: assign art diary as homework later.
“That’s what I’m here for, isn’t it? Could you show me what you’ve drawn? How does this ‘bad feeling’ look in your eyes?”
Li Tianxi presents her drawing with a shy kind of pride. Her art style is simple, fun, and colorful. It has a cartoonish look that would suit children’s books well. In shades of green and orange, dotted with red eyes, and with intricately patterned wings, Li Tianxi has drawn…
“A bee? No, this is… a cicada, isn’t it? It’s very well drawn. You know, Chinese nobles used to wear jewelry shaped in the image of cicadas. Since cicadas subsist on dew and tree sap, they were considered pure and incorrigible.”
Li Tianxi shakes her head. [Not pure. Bad.]
“Ah, yes, it’s the ‘bad feeling’, isn’t it? You can give it a name, if you'd like. What would you call it?”
Li Tianxi brings out her phone to type. Usually, Wang Qing discourages phone use in her sessions, but typing is an easier way for Li Tianxi to communicate with than trying to write in clumsy script.
Wang Qing herself is not entirely confident with her own reading skills, despite trying to connect with her roots. She could get by, but most of her life, she lived here in Bridon, speaking and writing and reading in English.
It takes Li Tianxi a while to choose a name. One careless shrug later, she turns her phone screen to Wang Qing. [Hanchan.]
Wang Qing’s smile turns amused. “Very well. Nice to meet you, Hanchan. Li Tianxi, now that we’ve met Hanchan, you can ask questions to learn more about what their role is in your life. Is there anything you want to ask?”
Her hands start, then stop. Start, then stop. [I’m scared. Can you ask the questions instead?]
“Hm , how about this? I will provide questions that you can ask Hanchan. Think of Hanchan as your little emotional pet. As Hanchan’s owner, you’ll have to interpret Hanchan’s response and relay its answers back to me, okay? And if Hanchan doesn’t want to answer, we can skip to the next question. How does that sound?”
[Okay. I can do that.]
“Excellent! Now, emotions exist because they have jobs to fulfill in our lives. So, Hanchan, what do you think is your job in Li Tianxi’s life? ”
Li Tianxi stares at her cicada drawing for a couple of beats. [Hanchan helps me keep out of danger. If I make Hanchan happy, I’m safe.]
Consistent with maladaptive avoidance. By appeasing Hanchan — quite possibly, her anxiety — Li Tianxi gains temporary relief from her situation. However, this also increases her anxiety maintenance, which can be stressful long-term.
“What is Hanchan afraid of? What would happen if Hanchan isn’t around?”
[Bad things.]
“What kind of bad things?”
Li Tianxi shakes her head. [Don’t want to say.]
Might be related to a deeper trauma that she’s not ready to tackle yet.
“I see. That’s okay. We don’t want to make Hanchan uncomfortable. Hanchan doesn’t have to answer anything they don’t want to.”
“Why don’t we try a different angle? Hanchan, how can Li Tianxi help you so you no longer need to do your job of keeping her safe?”
Li Tianxi signs without looking at Hanchan, as if she knows the answers by heart. [I have to keep quiet. Follow orders when given. I have to stay. I can’t run away, or upset people.]
So, she really does relate to the rabbits…
Wang Qing taps her pen against her cheek. At this point, it’s clear that Li Tianxi’s anxiety stems from a deeper issue — likely from her childhood, considering the emotions that particular topic brought out of her in the previous session. It’s a touchy subject that Li Tianxi isn’t ready to explore at the moment.
Wang Qing has to select her next questions carefully. It wouldn’t do for Li Tianxi to get discouraged this far in.
Trust in the process. These things take time.
Wang Qing waits in silence and lets Li Tianxi decide the course of their conversation. Sometimes, there are thoughts already waiting at the tip of a client’s tongue, waiting for a shot of bravery and an opportunity to fill up the silence.
Clients cannot resist filling up the silence.
Eventually, as if it’s a confession, Li Tianxi admits, […It was my fault. I was going to run. I was running away. I wanted to go home. I wanted to go back to the way things were.]
Finds comfort in the status quo and romanticizes the past. Differs greatly from Li Tianchen’s description of their life in China, where Li Tianxi seemed to have become the bad object to Qian Jin while he was the good object.
“Even if that home wasn’t always kind to you?”
She hasn’t realized that I’ve started addressing her instead of Hanchan, just as she’s started owning Hanchan’s emotions as her own. It takes practice to navigate one’s own emotions.
[Even then. It wasn’t the best… but even then, I was happy.] Li Tianxi shrugs, hunching her shoulders.
The body doesn’t lie. Sometimes, the past is only seen in a positive light because change is met with a negative interpretation...
Wang Qing wonders if Li Tianchen shares the same opinion. Probably not.
“Even better than here, in Bridon?”
Li Tianxi looks out the window. [Yes. At least, back in China, I know where I stand. Sometimes my brother takes over for me, or sometimes Qian Jin would tell me where not to go or what not to do. We did awful things, but it was also… easier.]
Consistent with her previous statements from past sessions, Li Tianxi exhibits a strong preference for someone else setting the limit for what she’s supposed to do and how she should do it.
“Easier than what?”
[Easier than being here. I don’t know what I’m doing here.]
Lacks confidence in making decisions or applying herself out of fear of making things worse. She would rather feel constrained than apply herself, because applying herself creates conditions for failure.
In the extended silence, Wang Qing watches as Li Tianxi starts flicking the corner of the paper, distressing its edges.
“Li Tianxi, is there a reason why you drew a cicada?”
[My brother told me this story about the cicada, who was eaten by a mantis, who was eaten by a bird. I think I’m the cicada.]
Wang Qing is familiar with this story. As the mantis catches the cicada, the oriole is just behind. Li Tianchen, in his first and only session with Wang Qing, had mentioned a similar philosophy. About hunters and predators and prey. About hunters who are also prey. The pathos of nature is that we are all prey in the end.
Li Tianxi continues, [My brother is like the mantis, or maybe the bird. I don’t know. We did awful things together. I didn’t stop him. I didn’t say anything for a long time. I let things happen. But it kept us alive for this long. And now we’re here in Bridon. I don’t know if I can keep doing the same thing here. My brother hasn’t said that we would, but… if we had to…]
The twins being in Bridon, free of their previous caretaker, introduces a new dimension in their relationship where there is less reason for them to maintain their current dynamic. The rigid structure that previously defined their relationship is gone and can be replaced with another. This is an ideal opportunity to reset boundaries and expectations for each other.
“Have you told your brother about how you feel living in Bridon?”
Li Tianxi shakes her head violently. [The last time I spoke up, things went bad. Very bad. Everything changed for the worse. I don’t want that to happen again. I can’t let that happen again!]
Tears fall unbidden from Li Tianxi’s eyes. Wang Qing offers her tissues and reassurances, letting Li Tianxi process her emotions.
Note to self: explore feelings of guilt and trauma next time when client is in a better state of mind. Where do these emotions stem from?
“The situation you found yourselves in when you were in China is different from the situation you find yourselves in now, here in Bridon. Even cicadas burrowed underground act differently from those who fly to the treetops. Perhaps Hanchan was used to burrowing, but they might be ready to fly now. Things don’t have to stay the same. That includes your relationship with your brother. In a new environment, your brother might be feeling the same anxiety you are feeling right now. But this is also your opportunity to start anew together. To redefine the relationship in new terms, and find new opportunities for the future. Change can be a scary thing, but it doesn’t have to be.”
A sniffle escapes from Li Tianxi. She wipes her eyes dry with the sleeves of her blouse. [I don’t know if Hanchan is ready to fly yet…]
“We don’t have to push right now if Hanchan isn’t ready.”
[What if… Hanchan can’t find a home in the treetops? What if there’s no home better than the one before?]
But how will you know? How can you be so sure?
“Has Hanchan tried flying to the treetops yet?”
[No. But things go wrong when they try.]
But we can’t just keep resetting when things go wrong, either. We have to move forward, eventually.
“I think Hanchan is putting the past on a pedestal.”
[The past was easier… safer…]
Was it? Or was it just familiar?
“You can’t keep denying any potential for the future—”
Wang Qing blinks. Forces herself to pause. This isn’t the kind of language she should be using with a client. The client is supposed to be the one to draw their own observations and conclusions. The therapist is only here to facilitate the process.
Ah, I slipped up. This isn’t about Li Tianxi anymore, is it?
These are actually words I wish to say to—
...Countertransference is a wicked thing. Boundaries, Wang Qing. How unprofessional of me.
This session cannot continue anymore.
[Are you okay, Miss Chris?]
Wang Qing takes a long inhale, underlining the word BOUNDARIES on her notepad. Encircles it twice, in red ink. She clears her throat. “Yes, I’m fine. Sorry about that. Why don’t we stop here? It looks like we’re almost out of time anyway. How do you feel right now, Li Tianxi?”
Li Tianxi closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, following the mindfulness exercises taught to her. When she opens her eyes, they are tired, but somehow less weary. [Exhausted. But… better. I always feel better after crying.]
“Do you still feel ‘bad’?”
[Yes. Still bad, but a little bit less. Not like before.]
“That’s good. Sit with this feeling for a moment, honor it. It served you well. Take deep breaths, and thank yourself and Hanchan for having the courage to show up and have this conversation.”
Li Tianxi turns to the sketchbook in front of her and bows. [Thank you, Hanchan.]
It only takes them a couple of minutes to clean up the office and set the art materials back in Li Tianxi’s bag. Wang Qing goes through her own materials and runs through a small debriefing session. Just as the alarm rings, signaling the end of their session, Li Tianxi presents Hanchan to her once again.
“You want me to keep this?”
Li Tianxi nods. [For next time. Keep them safe for me?]
It’s touching, how much Li Tianxi trusts her now. How she wants to meet again. Wang Qing merely smiles.
There is no next time, after this.
“Alright, I’ll keep Hanchan safe for you.” She puts the torn sketchbook pages in between her notes. “Say, Li Tianxi, before you leave. Do you know how cicadas are born?”
Li Tianxi shakes her head.
“Newly hatched insects drop from the branches of the tree and burrow themselves underground. There, they live in the muddied earth, where they nourish themselves on tree roots for as long as 17 years. And then, finally, they emerge into the sunlight. They fly to the highest branches, shedding their outer skin to transform into a fully-grown insect. For that reason, people have long seen cicadas as a symbol of transformation and rebirth.”
Li Tianxi chews on that thought as Wang Qing prepares the materials for her homework.
“This is an emotions wheel. Here, you can see that big emotions can be broken down into more specific ones. When you have the time, try to see which emotion fits Hanchan. I also want you to continue your art journal. When you are feeling overwhelmed with big emotions you don’t understand, try to illustrate them on the page, like we did with Hanchan. And finally...”
Li Tianxi tilts her head, curious at the pause.
“I want you to think over these two questions for me in the next two weeks. What does home look like to you now, here in Bridon? And what do you want to do with your own freedom? Promise me that you’ll think about these questions seriously, Li Tianxi. I want you to try.”
Li Tianxi stares at her homework, confused. Like a rabbit who doesn’t know how to leave the open door of their cage.
[I don’t know if I can do all the homework. But… I’ll try. I promise.]
Wang Qing sighs in relief. “Thank you. You don’t have to answer these questions now. But these answers will arrive, one day. I want you to be patient until it arrives, and to keep trying even when it does. Now go, your brother is waiting for you. He’s quite the impatient one.”
[Okay, I will. I’ll see you next time, Miss Chris. Thank you.]
Wang Qing waves goodbye, watching as Li Tianxi bursts out the door to give Li Tianchen a hug. They step out into the streets, pausing just by the sidewalk to talk.
This is our final session, Li Tianxi.
Li Tianxi is her last client for the day, and perhaps her last one ever. The setting sun blinks through the windows, shining its last light against two framed pictures on her desk.
An old school, now burned to ashes. Wang Qing is certain that she’s already quite content with the life she’s made of herself here, with her practice and her tea and her books. Quite content.
What does home look like for me now? Do I still want to go back to a home that wasn’t always kind to me?
A class picture, its edges frayed with ash, with a young Wang Qing standing tall and proud next to her beloved teacher.
If she asks me to help her again, do I want to relive the past badly enough to say yes?
Am I ready to go back? Do I want to?
Outside, the twins are still loitering around. Li Tianxi pouts at the obvious teasing her brother is doing, showing that despite her tears and whatever past she has, Li Tianchen is still a comforting presence to her. The only constant in her life. It looks like it’s taking her a while to decide where to eat, even though Li Tianchen always asks her the same question after every session. Eventually, wherever they decide to go seems to be in the direction across from her building, towards the setting sun. As Wang Qing watches them cross the street, she sees her own reflection in the window.
Why are you afraid of speaking up?
Why are you afraid of your own agency?
🎨
Post-session notes
Client is making progress with understanding her anxiety and identifying triggers.
Homework includes maintaining an art diary to explore her emotions and record anxiety or trauma triggers. For each emotion, client is to provide a name for them and to identify the closest feeling it resonates with from the emotions wheel.
Optionally, when comfortable, she could try illustrating what her ideal life looks like. What does a home look like for her now, instead of what it looked like in the past?
Next session is scheduled two weeks from today, with a focus on reviewing the art diary and helping the client articulate her emotions as well as create new goals for herself. Continuation of treatment will focus on reducing anxiety, building confidence in decision making, and strengthening her ability to imagine a future for herself. Eventually, when the client is in a healthier mental state, we can try to tackle her trauma and separate feelings of guilt from the reality of the situation.
Next session is scheduled two weeks from today, with a focus on reviewing the art diary and helping the client articulate her emotions as well as create new goals for herself. Continuation of treatment will focus on reducing anxiety, building confidence in decision making, and strengthening her ability to imagine a future for herself. Eventually, when the client is in a healthier mental state, we can try to tackle her trauma and separate feelings of guilt from the reality of the situation.Client was not supposed to meet with me, let alone be here in Bridon. Cheng Xiaoshi — the person who should have been sitting in front of me — hasn’t arrived. Doesn’t seem like he will any time soon. Which means this timeline will be erased soon.
I’ve known this ever since I saw Li Tianxi enter my office. And I’ve been preparing myself, since then, for the end.
She's visiting again tonight. Apparently, she does this all the time. Makes one last visit before a timeline ends. I wouldn’t know, since the only timeline I’ll ever be aware of is the present.
Though I don’t have the ability or experience to replicate her skills with the timeline, I’ve learned enough from her stories to know that I may not see this particular client again. Today’s therapy session with Li Tianxi might be the last one.
I wanted to enable her to live a better life here, while she still can.
Her brother wanted to change the past. So did she, once. Will that still hold true? Or is she brave enough to make a new home of her own making? Does she now have the courage to live in the future, instead of the past?
Does she?
...Do I?
She will probably ask me again, tonight. And it is only because of her that I’ll ever have doubts. Perhaps I’m not cut out to be a therapist, after all. To allow myself to be possessed by someone I trust, all so she can project herself onto someone else... surely this is the height of psychological transference.
Had Li Tianchen succeeded, their lives would not be like this now. It’s hard to tell if the Li Tianxi I got to know today would be the same. To change the past will irrevocably change who she is now, and erase who she will soon become, even if this is just a byproduct of wanting to change someone else's future.
Who would Li Tianxi still be if the past changed?
Who would I...?