Work Text:
[recording of transmission, 0835, 11/22/23]
[in call: Heroes Flambae, Prism, Invisigal, Sonar, Coupé, Malevola, Punch-Up, Golem. Dispatcher Robert. HR Supervisor Luke]
[absent: Heroes Phenomaman and Waterboy (don’t ask)]
HR: Hello. This is being recorded for training purposes. My name is—
Flambae: Fuck off.
Punch-Up: Say goodbye to your dick.
Sonar: Is this about the cocaine in the bathroom? If it is, it wasn’t me. If it isn’t, forget I said that.
Malevola: Sonar, honey, remember when I told you that some thoughts should be inside thoughts?
Sonar: My bad.
HR: Um—
Flambae: If you keep fucking with me I will burn you and everything you love.
Coupé: I’d like to see you try.
Flambae: …fine, I will burn you and leave your loved ones to mourn.
Punch-Up: Meet me behind the donut shop in ten. We’ll settle this the old fashioned way.
Robert: Do I need to remind you all that you’re still on the clock? And that this is being recorded? And that this argument is fucking ridiculous?
Flambae: Oh, look at me, my name’s Robert and I’m a little corporate bitch. Man, are you even hearing yourself?
Invisigal: You’re not beating the narc allegations, Rob.
Punch-Up: You can also meet us in the back of the donut shop in ten. Make it a party.
Robert: I’m good where I am, thanks
Sonar: Can I come?
Malevola: No, Sonar.
Sonar: Okay.
HR: This is completely unacceptable, Robert. In the last ten seconds alone there have been three company violations. This is exactly why I was called in to observe.
Prism: Damn, only three? We need to step up our game.
Robert: Flambae, Punch-Up, get back into position.
Flambae: I’m just going out to stretch my legs.
Robert: I hope you get your ass beat.
Punch-Up: Oh, he will.
[Flambae, Coupé, and Punch-Up turn off their comms]
HR: What? They’re not allowed to do that. Reestablish connections immediately.
Robert:: I’d rather not.
Invisigal: Yeah, it’s so much more peaceful without them. I can even hear myself think now.
Malevola: Not good thoughts, I hope.
Invisigal: You know me so well.
[Sounds of retching fill the line]
Golem: I took a lot of drugs, y’all.
Sonar: And you didn’t share?!
HR: Drugs? On duty? This is going down on everyone’s reports, mark my words.
Malevola: Robert, what’s this guy’s name? I can take care of him real quick.
HR: Excuse me?
Robert: Play nice, Mal. They’ll only replace him if you kill him.
Malevola: Ugh, fine.
[More retching, and a snort. Sonar continues to whine about drugs. Everyone tunes him out. It has been emitted from the record for the reviewer’s sanity]
Prism: Yo, anyone wanna do karaoke after work?
Invisigal: I’m banned from there.
Prism: I didn't even say where yet.
Invisigal: Doesn’t matter, I’m still banned.
[An alert sounds out. Everyone groans]
Robert: Great, who wants to do the fucking coffee run again?
Invisigal: I’m too mentally ill for that.
Golem: I’m too physically ill for that.
Sonar: I can do it. I’m…really hungry.
Robert: Mal, keep an eye on Sonar.
Malevola: Already on it.
Prism: Can’t you send that HR bitch? Seems like a more useful use of his time than whatever he’s doing now.
Invisigal: What’s his name anyway?
HR: If you would have let me finish introducing myself, you would know that my name is Luke.
Golem: I knew someone named Luke. He’s dead now.
Invisigal: How’d he die?
Golem: I shan’t say.
HR: The purpose of my presence is to ascertain whether Robert is a good fit for your team or not. I’m seeing now that he doesn’t know how to handle you all. I will put in the order to assign you a stricter dispatcher.
[A cacophony of screams and threats erupt, overwhelming the line. Bat screeches had to be edited out, also for the sake of the reviewer’s sanity. It takes a minute for the recording to pick up clear words again]
Prism: You hear this bitch? Did he actually say that? Is he stupid? What the fuck?
Golem: You’re not taking Robert away from us. We need him.
[More retching. Robert sighs]
Invisigal: I will literally kill everyone here and then myself before I work with another dispatcher.
Sonar: Quick question, where is the HR department and also can I have my break right now?
Malevola: I want to go on my break, too. Off the clock and all. That shouldn’t be a problem, right?
HR: Don’t you dare approve that, Robert.
Robert: Sonar, Malevola, back into formation. Luke, respectfully, shut the fuck up.
HR: Respectfully, I will not.
Robert: Your funeral.
[Coupé turns her comm back on. What can only be described as sounds of unspeakable violence fills the line]
Coupé: Who wants to place bets on Flambae and Punch-Up’s throwdown?
Prism: First of all, Flambae will totally kick his ass. Second of all, we’ve got bigger problems. This HR bitch wants to get rid of Robert.
Coupé: What? Hold on, I’ll tell the others. HEY DIPSHITS SOMEONE WANTS TO KILL ROBERT.
Robert: Uh, that’s not what he meant.
Malevola: Shh, let it happen.
HR: I’m getting all of you fired.
Invisigal: You seem awfully angry for an HR lackey. What’s wrong, did someone piss in your coffee?
Prism: Maybe he’s a former villain. A shitty one. He’s jealous of us for real.
HR: I’m writing you up for defamation.
Prism: Bitch, you know I’m right.
[Flambae and Punch-Up turn on their comms. Violence has ceased. For now.]
Golem: Sonar, maybe you should cover your ears.
Flambae: YOU MOTHERFU—
Robert: Congratulations, Flambae. I’m assigning you to the coffee run. Have fun.
Flambae: WAIT—
[Robert forcefully turns Flambae’s comm off. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief, even HR Supervisor Luke]
Punch-Up: What’s all this about Robert dying? He’s not allowed to die unless we do it ourselves.
Prism: Damn straight!
Robert: I feel so loved [read: sarcasm]. Still want to reassign me, Luke?
[A long beat of silence. HR Supervisor Luke claims he was merely gathering his thoughts. The barricade found around his desk suggests otherwise]
HR: I can be convinced.
Invisigal: How about, we kill you if you don’t do what we say.
HR: You’d be fired if you did that.
Invisigal: I wouldn’t work here without Robert, anyway.
[A round of agreement. Robert suffers in silence. Another beat of silence. Flambae tries to reconnect his comm, but Robert boots him out again]
HR: This conversation is being recorded. I will deliver it to the head of staff when I’m done. Perhaps…it can be lost along the way.
Coupé: See, Robert? Death threats are effective.
Robert: Look, Luke. You really don’t have to do that. I know they seem crazy, but I can make sure they don’t hurt you. You should just do your job.
Sonar: Or maybe don’t do that.
HR: I don’t like you. I think you are insane. I hope you all burn in hell.
Malevola: It’s not so bad down there.
Prism: Girl, seriously, what the fuck are you?
HR: But I wouldn’t want to inflict you on anyone else. If I were your dispatcher I would have already sent you to your deaths and written it off as an accident. I would have kept a spray bottle to spritz on Flambae when he comes near and tell management that it’s for enrichment. Stuff like that. Robert is a stronger man than me.
Golem: Huh. You’re kind of ballsy, Luke.
Coupé: I respect ruthlessness.
Punch-Up: Careful, I might actually start liking you. I should use that spray bottle idea.
Malevola: I will not heal you when Flambae inevitably roasts you.
Robert: Congratulations, Luke. You’ve won their hearts.
HR: Fuck all of you.
[Flambae comes back on. A child is crying in the background, but no one is screaming, so the coffee run went better than usual]
Flambae: I would have killed for you, Robert, but you’ve reminded me how much of a bitch you are. I will instead watch you die.
Robert: No one’s trying to kill me, Flambae.
Flambae: Thank fuck—er, I mean whatever.
Invisigal: Loser.
[A proximity alert]
Robert: Sonar, why are you getting closer to headquarters?
Sonar: I’m very, very hungry.
Robert: Sonar, you better turn around right now.
[No answer]
Malevola: Sorry, I lost track of him. He’s fast.
Robert: You can literally teleport.
[Malevola turns her comm off by “accident.” They really need to disable that function.]
HR: Shit.
Prism: You better run, HR bitch.
Punch-Up: It was nice knowing you. Kind of.
Coupé: Robert, go and record it. I wish to see the carnage.
Robert: Luke, meet me in the third floor lobby. I’ll keep you safe.
HR: I’d rather be writing my last will and testament.
Invisigal: I refuse to believe you have loved ones.
HR: I have a brother. You’re both complete assholes, so maybe I should introduce you two.
Golem: Go to Robert. I’ve seen him fuck people up in a bar fight. He’s nasty.
Robert: Sonar’s closing in. It’s your call.
HR:...Fuck, fine. I knew taking this assignment was a mistake.
Robert: You fit right in with us.
HR: Please don’t say that to me.
[HR Supervisor Luke turns his comm off]
Prism: He’s fucked, right?
Invisigal: Definitely.
Robert: I don’t know, we’ll see. Chase, take over my channel. I’ve got shit to do.
[Robert logs off. The recording ends]