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You were peacefully eating a grilled cheese, sitting on the couch inside your humble apartment, when you started floating upwards. Shocked and afraid, you dropped your grilled cheese. As you kept floating upwards you internally mourned the loss of your grilled cheese. The floor was dirty so you couldn't just pick the grilled cheese up and continue eating it, much to your dismay.
You floated up and up until your head hit the ceiling of your apartment. The second your head made contact with the ceiling you dropped back down on the couch. You looked at your grilled cheese on the floor, a piece of evidence that what you just went through wasn't just a dream.
You looked at your phone and quickly learned what was happening from social media. The rapture was happening. Apparently there were supposed to be instruments playing from the Heavens but rumor had it that nearly all the angels assigned to that job were late, so nobody could hear any instruments because, well, who can hear a single angel with bagpipes all the way down on Earth? Nobody, that's for sure.
Your doorbell rang.
Your doorbell rang.
Your doorbell rang—
"Can you stop doing that?" you heard somebody whisper just loud enough for you to hear from you place on the couch near the front door. The voice sounded patient, with only the slightest edge of frustration in their voice.
“Why don’t we just break in?” somebody responded. It sounded like an old man’s voice.
“That wouldn’t be very nice,” a third person responded. Their voice was feminine and soft sounding and you swore you recognized it from somewhere.
A short moment of silence passed and you considered opening the door. You were just about to stand up when you heard something hit your door. Then it got hit again, and again, and again—
Your door broke down. You looked over, stunned. Behind the broken door was Joe Biden, the forty-sixth president of the United States and the person who seemed to have just kicked your door down. You were surprised, you hadn’t thought he was that physically fit.
Alongside him on each side was Fluttershy (a character you recognized from your nights of binging My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic as a teenager) and… wait a fuckin’ minute, was that Jesus Christ himself?!
“Now, Joe, that wasn’t very respectful of our friend here,” Fluttershy said to Joe, a disappointed expression on her face, “you told me the prices were going up on our way here. Fixing that door could blow a whole paycheck for this poor dear!”
Wow, Fluttershy just assumed you were employed. That was kind of an ego boost, if you were going to be honest with yourself.
“To get back on track,” Jesus said to you, carefully stepping around the broken door and into your home, “me and the others were talking and apparently Joe has heard some great things about you.” Jesus looked to Joe, clearly expecting the older man to continue.
“Yes, yes, very great things,” Joe said, “I’ve heard lots of about your kindness and well, I was thinking you’d be a great individual to join our group.” Fluttershy gave you a warm smile.
“By that he means we’re asking you out on a date,” Fluttershy said happily, “how would you like to try out being polyamorous with us?” You sat there stunned for a few seconds before getting your head back in the game.
“That would be great,” you said shyly, “just let me get my emotional support bag and I’ll be ready for a date if that’s, um, the reason y’all are here?” Fluttershy nodded in reply.
“Yeah, we would love to go on a date,” Joe replied, a smile on his face.
“A date would be splendid,” Jesus replied, nodding as well.
You looked around a moment for your bag before realizing something.
“What am I gonna do about my door?” you muttered, wondering if you could use something in your house to barricade your door.
After the door situation was dealt with (Joe called a repair guy to fix the door and insisted on paying) you and the rest of the squad were in your heavily used 2005 Honda Civic that was painted pastel pink and plastered with various Hello Kitty stickers on both the outside and inside. You were in the driver’s seat, Jesus was in the seat next to you (since you figured he could be responsible), Fluttershy was in the back since you didn’t know how seating laws applied to colorful ponies, and Joe occupied the remaining seat in the back.
You put on the song 365 by Charli XCX and started driving. You would soon learn that this would not be your average drive.
As you drove you kept seeing people floating into the sky. As you reached a red light you glanced over at Jesus warily and he looked back at you.
“This rapture stuff really wasn’t well planned, was it?” Jesus said, a smile on his face, “I tried to get the Gods to consider more factors, but they were just excited to get it done.” Your eyes widened slightly in surprise.
“I… um, thought there was only one God?” you asked, confused, “I mean, in Biblical lore I thought it was pretty clear that there was just one of those guys?” The light turned green and you looked back towards the road as you continued driving.
“That was before God split apart,” Jesus explained, “things got so stressful for everyone up in Heaven that he just fell apart, literally. You can let them explain how it works, I’m not sure even I understand it fully.”
“Was it nice getting more parental figures?” you asked. You could hear Joe and Fluttershy having an intense discussion but you weren’t paying much attention to them.
“It was kinda mixed for me,” Jesus replied, “sometimes it was nice, sometimes it was annoying. Guess that makes sense. You win some, you lose some, as the people nowadays say anyway.”
Another song started playing. This time it was Digital Hallucination, a The Amazing Digital Circus fan song by OR3O. You were surprised when the chorus arrived and you heard Joe start to sing along.
“Just your imagination, the exit is your fixation,” Joe sang, much to your amusement, “door after door, you find that it just a digital hallucination! You try to find a way out, but you’re stuck here day after day, inside a digital hallucination!”
The song continued and everyone in the car vibed to the song. You noticed that even Jesus was bobbing his head a little and through the rear view mirror you could tell that Fluttershy and Joe were having a swell time, with Fluttershy having such a cute smile on her face.
The car in front of you suddenly stopped and you hit the breaks. You could hear two familiar voices arguing in front of the car in front of you. It sounded like…
“Twilight!” Fluttershy said, shocked, “who is she arguing with?” You listened in and could recognize exactly who Twilight was arguing with, but Joe beat you to saying it.
“It’s Trump,” Joe said, sounding frustrated and tired, “Donald Trump is arguing with a purple cartoon pony…”
“In front of my fucking salad,” you muttered. You just wanted to have a date with some awesome individuals and now this was happening. Jesus looked at you in confusion since you did not have a salad with you.
You heard Joe rooting through something. You looked in the back and noticed Joe rooting through his backpack. He grabbed a burger that seemed to be from Mcdonald’s from his bag.
“Give me a moment, my dears,” Joe said before getting out of the car. Joe walked away to a point where you almost couldn’t see him and then he threw the burger like a frizbee. Donald Trump ran after the burger on all fours like a hungry dog and Joe quickly ran back to the car and got inside. You saw Twilight walk the other way, looking bewildered, before the car in front of you started moving again. You breathed a sigh of relief.
“Thank you so much, Joe,” you said, “who knows how long an argument between those two would have taken.”
“Probably very long, knowing those two,” Joe replied, “and you’re very much welcome, little darling.”
It wasn’t long before you were all at Dairy Queen, the place you all had agreed to go to for your date during the whole ‘Joe getting somebody to fix your door’ ordeal.
The lady behind the counter looked increasingly surprised as you all made your orders, Joe once again insisting to pay even though Jesus had some actual gold on him. You ordered a hot fudge sundae, Fluttershy ordered a vanilla cone, Jesus ordered a banana split, and Joe got a chocolate dipped cone.
As you all sat at one of the booths Jesus sat next to you while Joe and Fluttershy sat at the opposite side, with you and Fluttershy sitting on the inside and Joe and Jesus sitting on the outer ends. Fluttershy smiled at you.
“I’m very glad you decided to go out with us today,” Fluttershy said, “I was very lucky to have Discord bring me here. He wanted to come because of the, um, rapture thing that was happening. Said it would be a nice source of chaos for him to observe.” You nodded, understanding Discord’s point of view.
“I am also glad you decided to grace us with you presence,” Joe said, checking his nails, “like I said, I’ve heard things about you…”
“You know, I’m curious,” you said, confused, “where have you heard things about me? I mean, I don’t really have many friends…” You actually didn’t have any friends, but you didn’t want any pity so you didn’t mention that.
“Me and Jesus went to a homeless shelter,” Joe explained, “apparently you donate a lot of stuff there.” You remembered what Joe was talking about. You had a lot of times recently where you had a major urge to help out (because you felt like a worthless piece of shit and at least if you were helping you could say you were doing something of use) so you went out and bought things to donate to the homeless shelter.
You… weren’t sure if that was something to be proud of. After all, you only did that stuff because you were freaking out, so how much was it even worth. You felt a pit of self hatred well up in your stomach.
“Hey,” Fluttershy asked you, “what are you thinking about?” You could hear a little worry in her voice and you felt guilty over it. You didn’t want to worry someone as awesome as her.
“Just… thinking,” you said lamely before continuing, “how much does intention matter when we do things? Like, when we do good stuff for selfish reasons, does the selfish reason matter more than the effects of the actions?”
“Woah, that’s intense,” Joe mumbled. Fluttershy took a bite of her ice cream before responding.
“I don’t think intention really matters that much,” Fluttershy said, smiling, “after all, there are kind things that Discord does that I can tell are because he wants to keep me as a friend. Some would say that’s selfish of him, but what matters is that he’s being kind.”
“Also, sometimes we can’t really control our intentions,” Jesus said, “so why judge yourself based on something you don’t have that much control over when you could focus on the effects of your actions? The things you did with that homeless shelter were good and virtuous, so who cares if you were doing it for a selfish reason?”
“I guess sometimes I just can’t help but see what I do in the worst possible light,” you said nervously, looking down at your ice cream sundae, “it’s like I’m just… the worst person in the world.”
“You aren’t,” Joe said, his voice soothing, “and one day you’ll see that, we just gotta work at it, okay?” You nod before taking another bite of your ice cream.
On the way back to your apartment you played various Animal Crossing tunes in the car, much to everyone’s enjoyment. When you got back Jesus told you to get your most emotionally significant items together and you did so.
For a while you and Fluttershy spent time together playing with your collection of old Shopkins. You loved sorting them in various ways and Fluttershy loved helping you. Afterwards you cuddled with one of your stuffed animals while you, Fluttershy, Joe, and Jesus watched one of the episodes of one of your favorite TV shows.
As it started to become nighttime Jesus lead you all outside. You had a small bag of your most emotionally significant items hanging from your arm.
“It’s time for us to go,” Jesus said to you and Joe, his voice calm, “since you two were in buildings you didn’t float up to Heaven with everyone else, so we’ll go now. Is there anything you would like to do before you go?” You asked if your loved ones were in Heaven. Jesus checked a strange looking device he had on him and told you they were up there waiting for you.
“I love you guys so much,” you said to all three of them, “do you still wanna be special someones?” They all nodded.
“Discord can bring me to and from you guys’s version of Heaven,” Fluttershy said, smiling, “so I’ll get sure to come over at least once a week!”
“I’d love to be you guys’s boyfriend,” Joe said, “you guys are so fun to hang with.”
You looked back to Jesus and you noticed that he had a tear in his eye before he wiped it away. “I never imagined that I’d be able to find this level of connection,” Jesus said, “so many people just saw me as the son of the Gods, but it feels like you all see something deeper, something that’s… more me.”
“I love you all,” you said, feeling very happy and grateful for your existence, “and I think I’m ready to go now.”
Then you, Jesus, and Joe all started floating up to Heaven. Fluttershy waved goodbye to you all and as you got higher you noticed Discord on the ground a ways away from Fluttershy dancing a jig while holding a bottle of something. You hoped in the back of your mind that Discord wasn’t about to drink and teleport. You didn’t have experience with that stuff but you had a feeling it was a terrible idea.
As you appeared in Heaven the first thing you noticed is that it looked a lot like an arcade. You looked to Jesus and he was smiling.
“Well,” Jesus said, “let me go introduce you to my many parental figures.”
“Cool beans!” you and Joe said in unison, excited.