Work Text:
Scene: A close-up of Lestat’s face, looking bewildered.
LESTAT: What is my Lestussy? Where is my Lestussy? How can I be popping it if I don’t even know what it is?
DANIEL: *Makes a noise like a dying walrus*
LESTAT: Is it like my butt cheeks? I’m popping my butt cheeks?
(Daniel cracks up. Chaos from the other vampires. Screen cuts to black.)
INTRO MUSIC.
Big bold red letters announce the show’s name to be “SCENE STEALERS.”
We finally get a look at all the vampires: LOUIS, LESTAT, DANIEL MOLLOY, and ARMAND in casual clothes, standing against a dark red backdrop.
LOUIS, beautiful. The camera loves him. The cameraman probably does too: *Formally* Hello, we are the real vampires from the upcoming documentary “The Vampire Lestat” and today we are reacting to the internet.
DANIEL: Why, why did you say it like that?
LOUIS: Like what?
DANIEL: Like an ancient British lord trying out the word for the first time. You know what the internet is. I’ve seen your Twitter, you know how to say “internet”.
ARMAND: He can be a bit pretentious, sometimes.
LOUIS,sputering: I- wha- I am not pretentious!
LESTAT: It did sound a bit pretentious, cher.
LOUIS: How can you even say th-
DANIEL,making eye contact with the camera: What my friend here is trying to say is that Netflix has asked us to react to some fan content, and we stupidly said yes, so today we are gonna be looking at some of the wild, insane, hopefully safe for work things you created.
ARMAND: Let’s begin with some video edits.
A small rectangular square pops up on the screen. The vampires are looking at something behind the camera, probably the laptop screen held up by some unpaid intern showing them the first video.
The video starts to play. It’s an AI generated deep fake showing Lestat’s face over Rachel mcaddam’s regina George body, and on the other side of the split screen, Daniel Molloy’s face on Lindsay Lohan’s as Cady Heron body.
FAKE LESTAT: I know your secret.
FAKE DANIEL MOLLOY VOICE IN OFF: Oh, god, busted! Just start apologizing and crying. No, play it cool. OUT LOUD: Secret? What are you saying about?
(REAL LOUIS: Why is Lestat Regina George, and why does it make so much sense?
REAL DANIEL: I don’t know, but I’m trying not to feel offended at being cast as Cady Heron.)
FAKE LESTAT: Armand told me you like Louis de Pointe du Lac. I mean, I don’t care, do whatever you want. But let me just tell you something about Louis: All he cares about is school, and his mom, and his friends.
(REAL DANIEL: I mean, that's kind of accurate)
FAKE DANIEL: Is that a bad thing?
FAKE LESTAT: But if you like him, whatever. I mean, I could talk to him for you if you want.
FAKE DANIEL: Really? You would do that? I mean, nothing embarrassing though, right?
FAKE LESTAT: Oh no, trust me. I know exactly how to play it.
The camera pans out. We see Regina George’s torso. Lestat has female breasts. The real Lestat looks suddenly very interested. The real Armand kind of does, too.
FAKE LESTAT: But wait. Aren’t you so mad at Armand for telling me?
(REAL LOUIS: Oh, what a bitch. Pretty on brand, though.
REAL LESTAT: Who cares? I look absolutely stunning with long hair and boobs.)
FAKE DANIEL: No…
FAKE LESTAT: Because if you are, you can tell me. It was a really bitchy thing for him to do.
FAKE DANIEL: Yeah, it was pretty bitchy. But I’m not mad. I mean, I guess he just likes the attention.
The screen splits into three; we see Armand’s profile.
FAKE LESTAT, FAKE SUGARY SWEET: See, Mand? I told you he’s not mad at you.
FAKE ARMAND: I can’t believe you think I want attention!
The video ends. Louis looks delighted. Daniel looks slightly weirded out. Armand looks indignant. Lestat looks… intrigued.
LOUIS: Are we sure this isn’t an outtake from the documentary? I feel like this really happened… (he breaks into giggles, makes eye contact with Armand, laughs harder.)
ARMAND: I would have thought this was too juvenile for you. I guess I overestimated you.
DANIEL: Come on, babe. It was kind of funny…
ARMAND, harrumphs.
LESTAT: Oh, forget about the gremlin, did you see how hot I was?!
Cut to the next video. It looks like a paparazzi video of Louis coming out of a black BMW and entering a restaurant. The video has a garish pink filter with little hearts coming out of the corners, has been slowed down, zoomed, and repeated to showcase different assets of Louis: his face, his eyes, his profile, his chest, his legs. And later a front close-up of his hips and finally, his ass. All to the tune of a slowed, reverbed Lana Del Rey’s “You Can Be My Daddy Tonight.”
MUSIC:
You can be my daddy tonight-night-night
(CLOSE UP TO LOUIS’ EYES)
I'm neon phosphorescent
Open like a Christmas present, oh
(CLOSE UP TO HIS NECK AND UNBUTTONED TOP THREE BUTTONS)
You can be my daddy tonight-night-night
If you're seeking heaven
(LEGS)
Then you wanna come and get it, get it
You can be my daddy tonight-night-night
(CLOSE UP TO HIS… CROTCH)
The video ends. Armand is the one delighted this time. Louis is visibly traumatized. Daniel pats his shoulder, comforting.
LESTAT: Oh, yeah, I have that one saved to my playlist…
DANIEL, still patting Louis: I’m sorry you had to find out like that, my friend, but the internet is a weird place full of disgusting, horny horny people.
LOUIS, turning to him: Do they also make those… those videos of you, my friend?
DANIEL: Oh, yeah. But I’m an egocentric bastard, so I love them. Have a TikTok just to keep them all.
The camera zooms in on Lestat and Armand, huddling together over Lestat’s cellphone.
DANIEL: Lestat, are you sending Armand the video?
LESTAT:.. No.
Cut to the next video. It shows a brown skinned girl with a strong nose and a round face in her bathroom. She pulls her lob back into a low ponytail and starts doing her makeup: A dramatic contouring using a dark shade to sculpt angles into her face, then a lighter shade, and finally an almost white one to create the illusion of light and shadows. She lets her hair down and starts using a curling wand to create little ringlets she then sprays with product and artfully messes up. She finishes the look with bright orange contacts and a white shirt that shows off her clavicles. She looks like Armand’s long-lost twin.
The vampires all look impressed. Daniel starts clapping.
ARMAND: OK. Yes, queen. I’m obsessed. She is perfect, no notes.
LOUIS: We should get her to do your make-up, Les!
A picture appears on the screen. It is a candid from one of the rockstar’s concerts, depicting him with his hair in short pigtails, messy blue eye shadow and black eyeliner, splotchy-looking blush on his cheeks. It’s a terrible look.
LESTAT, turning to Louis, stormy expression on his face: *Censored French*
The camera cuts to a bad, stereotypical drawing of a little man in a red beret and striped shirt, looking mad and shaking a baguette. Under the drawing, the text reads “We are experiencing technical difficulties, please stand by”.
The video feed returns. Louis throws side glances at Lestat, who is clenching his jaw, still angry but mollified. Armand smiles beatifically. He is clearly having a great time.
DANIEL: Ok, moving on. Let’s look at some tweets!
PRODUCER, off camera, saying something the mics can’t catch.
DANIEL: What? The f*BLEEP*k is an X? I’ll call it X the day I’m dead!
ARMAND, whispering something in his ear.
DANIEL: No, undead doesn't count.
LOUIS: Just show us the first tweet.
LESTAT, getting closer to the camera to look at the screen behind it. He looks like somebody's grandmother trying to figure out how facetiming works: I want *squints, reading* I want @DanielMolloy and @TheVampireArmand to rearrange my insides.
ARMAND, smiling pleasantly: That can be arranged.
DANIEL: No babe, I think the mean *whispers something unintelligible into Armand’s ear*
ARMAND, expression never faltering: That can also be arranged.
LOUIS: Alright! Next tweet! Aquarines says “Missing that bastard, Lestat de lyingcunt or whatever his name is” That name… seems about right, yes.
LESTAT gasps, betrayed.
DANIEL: That would be Leslut de Lyingwhore, actually.
ARMAND snickers in the background.
LOUIS: “@LouisDuLac is the definition of Daddy”... what is the modern definition of daddy? Because back in my day I don't think it meant… whatever it seems to mean today…
LESTAT: Next tweet, please! Let’s see. “@LestatLioncurt really be popping his lestussy tonight at @MadissonSquareGarden” *Looks at Daniel for help* What does this means?
DANIEL: Trust me, buddy, you're better off not knowing.
LESTAT: What is a lestussy?
The camera zooms onto his bewildered face.
LESTAT: What is my Lestussy? Where is my Lestussy? How can I be popping it if I don’t even know what it is?
DANIEL: *Makes a noise like a dying walrus*
LESTAT: Is it like my butt cheeks? I’m popping my butt cheeks?
LESTAT: If so, thank you.
(Daniel cracks up. Chaos from the other vampires. Screen cuts to black.)
The image returns. The vampires now seem composed, mostly.
LOUIS: And onto the next one! “I want @LouisDuLac to slap me *frowning* Punch me in the face *tone getting increasingly more incredulous* hit me with a chair and step on my neck like yes daddy I’ve been so bad hit me harder.”
LESTAT:
ARMAND:
DANIEL:
LOUIS: Again with the daddy thing…
ARMAND: Just breathe. Go to your happy place…
LOUIS: Why “daddy”?
DANIEL: Just let it go, buddy. Just repress the memory.
LOUIS: I- I’m… I’m not your father…
LESTAT: Let’s get this over with. Next tweet! @slutge says “yeah yeah fu*BLEEP*ng that old man but what about cherishing that old man? Tenderly holding that old man? @DanielMolloy” and @amadeosflawlesscurls retweeted and replied “Shut up virgin that old man’s gonna need a hip replacement when I’m done with him”
LOUIS: Jesus! What?
LESTAT: … Wow. And Loui thought his were bad.
DANIEL: Wai-wait- wait a minute. “Amadeo’s flawless curls”?
LOUIS, LESTAT, and DANIEL turn to look at Armand.
ARMAND *shrugs*
ARMAND: It’s a free country.
LESTAT: Next one!
DANIEL: “I want @DanielMolloy to explore my hole until he finds another dimension and sends me to it” *chuckles* I like it!
ARMAND: I like it too.
DANIEL: You do?
ARMAND: Yes, I like the quantum theory element. Multiple dimensions…
DANIEL, fondly: Yeah, you would like that, you big nerd.
LESTAT: “@LestatLioncurt on stage just exudes big d*BLEEP* energy and to make it even better I’m like 99% sure he IS actually big like I'm weak just thinking about it”
LESTAT: Why the 1%? I ask. Why-
LOUIS puts an arm around Lestat, restraining him before he can get further worked up.
LOUIS: Alright, I think we've all had enough of Twitter. What’s next?
PRODUCER: *undistinct murmuring.”
LOUIS: Oh, for the love of… Alright then, let’s look at some memes. And may whatever God is out there have mercy on us all.
The first picture pops up on the screen. It's a German Shepherd with glasses in front of a laptop with the legend “You both fucked Lestat?”. DANIEL immediately cracks. Even LOUIS is smiling.
LOUIS: Should have seen that one coming, did not see that one comin- *he snorts, breaking into laughter too*
Next picture: a paparazzi shot of Lestat and Louis sitting at a club. Lestat is leaning into Louis, clearly whispering something in his ear while Louis leans back with his eyes closed. Lestat’s hand is dangerously high on Louis’ tigh. Big white letters on the top of the image read “Girl what kind of interview is this?”
DANIEL: I feel like that is actually a pretty good summary of the book. If you guys read the things they made me cut out. This guy here *pointing at Louis* can be very graphic in his… descriptions.
LESTAT: That’s why we are doing a documentary instead, because I shall not be censored.
A new picture pops up. It’s a white backdrp split exactly in half with a picture of Lestat on the left side and the legend “People who defend Lestat”. Underneath it, several parragraph crowding that side of the screen in a font so small as to be impossible to read. On the other side, a picture of Armand with the legend “People who defend Armand”. On that side of the screen all that is written, in a huge font is “SHE DID THAT SHIT”.
ARMAND, smiling: That is correct, I did that shit.
LOUIS, incredulous but with no real reproach: You don’t feel even a little bit bad about it?
ARMAND, even more incredulously: No!
DANIEL: *shrugs*
LESTAT: Ok, then.
Another picture. This one is also split in half, But on the left side there is a picture of Louis, sitting regaly on a couch, looking solemn and the legend “Bitches be like: Can’t stand her fake ass!”. Then on the other side of the screen, a picture of Louis and Lestat looking quite cozy and the legend “Ten minutes later: Me and the bestie”
LOUIS: *sighs*
LOUIS: You must understand, when one has eternity at one’s disposal, the cold, lonely wasteland of infinity in front of-
DANIEL: Yeah yeah yeah, we all read the book. Just admit it: Vampires are messy as fu*BLEEP*
LOUIS: Oh, like you can talk. You and him *pointing at Armand, who looks like the picture of innocence* were messy long before you turned into one of us!
DANIEL: I’m not denying that, maybe being messy is the one requirement to be given the dark gift.
LESTAT: And hot. Don’t forget hot. That is a very important-
DANIEL: Yeah, messy and hot.
LOUIS: You are oversimplifying again-
DANIEL: Or maybe you are making things more complicated than they need to be, as usual.
To the surprise of the entire crew, LESTAT and ARMAND seem to be the reasonable ones as DANIEL and LOUIS seem one second away from throwing punches in the background.
LESTAT: Well, it seems we all had enough of the internet for today.
ARMAND: We hope you all enjoyed it as much as we did.
LESTAT: Until the next time we meet. This has been “SCENE STEALERS”.
LOUIS, having overheard: Wait, the next time??
SCREEN FADES TO BLACK. END OF THE VIDEO.