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It was not a dilemma. To call it that would almost be funny.
A dilemma implied choice, and Hyunwoo had never owned any choices in his life, not when it mattered. He simply moved in the direction fate pushed him, like some stone swept along by currents too indifferent to notice what they destroyed. So yes he left. Because what else could he do?
Two people he loved the most, finally together. What a cruel, beautiful thing.
He told himself he had to walk away. That he must. That there was dignity in becoming nothing. That dissolving quietly into the background was the only proper act of love left to him. He repeated these things until the words lost all shape and form, until they became dull knives poking at the rawest parts of his heart.
Leaving had never been easy. Nothing ever was for him
He clung to things like a drowning man clings to driftwood, with a desperate, gnawing hunger that carves itself into his bones. Luka’s laughter, Hyuna’s warmth, tiny slivers of affection gathered like a starving creature collecting crumbs not meant for it. Sweetness always rotted him from inside out, leaving him hollow, raw, endless, empty, but he kept returning to it. It was shameful… but desire always was. And he still craved more. Always more. Always Luka. Always.
For years, he had endured the consequences of loving, of existing in a world where his heart would always be at odds with reality. But now, he had to let go.
He told himself it was for love’s sake.
Though, love had only ever punished him, turned him into a quiet, obedient thing who swallowed his grief. He tried convincing himself that peace lay somewhere beyond this choice. Yet the air felt heavier. The light seemed colder. His chest felt like it had been ripped open, shredded, leaving only raw, bleeding fragments that still whispered Luka’s name again and again with some tiny hope, still yearning for him so that he may direct that loving gaze towards him, still remembering everything that could never be, had never been.
He wanted it to be Luka. He had always wanted it to be Luka. And he always would want it to be him.
He remembered mornings. Warm mornings, when Luka’s hair would fall across his face like golden silk, the small, crooked smile that could undo him entirely, and it was almost cruel how much Hyunwoo treasured it. The rare, careless laugh that had seemed to belong only to him. He remembered cold fingers brushing against his own in passing, the weight of a glance, soft and fleeting, yet enough to scorch his mind and etchj itself into the back of his eyelids. Those moments were fragile. Irretrievable now, slipping through his fingers all the time. Laughs meant only for him? God, what a lie. They had always belonged to Hyuna. He was merely the witness, never the recipient. He could see it, feel it, hear it, and yet still be invisible.
He pretended he was fine knowing that.
He had seen the wedding invitations. Carefully penned letters, as though Hyuna feared even her handwriting might wound him, inviting him to witness a life he would never be part of. He had seen the flowers, red primroses and cyclamens arranged with meticulous care, and ribbons tied in perfectly elegant knots. He had seen them, standing there, radiant, luminous, as though the universe itself approved of their happiness.
And yet… he could not hate them. He could not hate Luka. He could never hate Hyuna. They had done nothing. It was his own selfishness and self pity destroying him. But even knowing so, he could not even hate himself properly, for the longing that refused to die, for desires that had no rightful place anymore.
He wanted them to know, wanted him to understand, that this was the most foolish, cruelest decision he’d ever made in his life. That leaving, walking away, sacrificing this… it tore him apart. Maybe things would’ve worked out in another universe. Perhaps he could have stayed. Claimed a fraction. Clung selfishly to the fragments of what he wanted. But not here. Not now. Here, Luka and Hyuna were building a life. A life without him. A life he could not share. A life that was enough for everyone but him.
He had wanted to believe his love could change Luka’s heart. He had wanted to believe in miracles. He had wanted to believe that somehow, even just once, Luka could see him the way he saw Luka. He wanted to believe that maybe there could be someone else who could make Hyuna happier.
But wanting had always been the most useless thing he owned.
This wasn't the easiest thing to leave behind. No. If Hyunwoo had the choice, he would’ve been selfish and chosen to keep Luka right by his side. He would’ve chosen to borne the pain of seeing him with someone like himself rather than face the loneliness of letting go. But Hyunwoo had grown enough to understand that forcing things only caused more suffering. Life was already cruel enough. He would not allow Luka or Hyuna to endure more pain on his account. He would not allow Hyuna to hurt because of him, would not allow Luka to try to force himself into something that never was.
Still….. still….even knowing, even reasoning, he could not deny it. He would always be there, that they would always have him. Things might not have turned out like what Hyunwoo wanted, but Luka and Hyuna hadn't lost him. Not really. They may stop talking. Stop existing in each other's worlds altogether. But Hyunwoo would always be there. Faithfully, silently, always. Waiting. Watching. Loving without claiming.
He watched the small details that betrayed their future filled with joy. The gentle brush of Luka’s hand on Hyuna’s dress sleeve, the tilt of his head when he laughed with her, the warmth that seemed to radiate from him like sunlight, and now belonged to her. The way her veil fell across flushed cheeks as he looked at her with so much adoration. The way Hyuna laughed like never before, like she had finally found joy in a world that had given her so little. Hyunwoo memorized it all with wide eyes filled with longing, stored it away in a place he could carry forever, even if he could never inhabit it. Pain made the mind greedy.
He hoped sincerely, pathetically, that both of them would find the peace they were yearning for, the peace that had never been able to stay with them very long. If the world would not grant it to him, then at the very least, let it grant it to them.
Luka and Hyuna would build a life together, a future, a love. Warm and bright, something he could only watch from the outskirts like some wandering spirit who had forgotten how to rest. He told himself that this was enough, just knowing they would be happy. Just knowing he could admire them from a distance, invisible and unnecessary.
But still… a foolish, stubborn part of him whispered that he would remain. That as long as he drew breath, he would carry a quiet, ridiculous pride for both of them for every step they took toward a future where he was no longer needed.
Sometimes, he imagined what staying would feel like. If he had been allowed the selfishness of desire, the audacity to express what he wanted. He could almost feel it, the warmth of a hand in his own, the quiet weight of a smile hovering on his lips, lingering just for him, breath close enough to brush his cheek, gazes filled with quiet confessions, soft lips on chilled knuckles.
But reality had never been that. There was always someone who had shone brighter, someone whose happiness had to come first, someone else who deserved this joy more than he did. And so, he let it go.
Memories became refuge, a paradox. He traced the line of Luka’s jaw in his mind, the tilt of his shoulders, the soft lilt of his voice. He thought of another universe, another wedding, where he would be the one standing beside Luka. He thought of Hyuna smiling at them, thought of her loving someone else who would make her the happiest woman alive like she deserved.
But this was not that universe.
Every detail burned, tore at his insides. And yet, Hyunwoo carried them all like talismans he could never share. Because if he could not have the present, he would keep the past alive. It was pathetic, but it was all he had.
Even if the world forgot him, even if Luka or Hyuna never spoke his name again, he would still be there. In every quiet moment, every victory, every choice they made… Hyunwoo would be proud. Fiercely, silently proud. He would celebrate achievements he could not share, mourn their losses, love without expectation.
Because love didn't seek possession. Sometimes it was patient. Sometimes it was loud and angry. Sometimes it was soft. Sometimes it was silent. Sometimes it hurt so deeply that every breath became a wound and he felt like something in his throat was tearing every fibre of his muscles apart. His hands shook, his chest ached, tears he could not let fall stung behind his eyes and he had to blink rapidly so they would go away. He would not let his selfish feelings ruin their happiness.
He told himself it was enough.
He lied of course.
He would always be there, left longing. Always. Always. Always.
Even if everyone forgot him. Even if his noona forgot him. Even if Luka forgot him. Even if nothing remained but the ghost of his devotion. Even then, he would remain.
Hyunwoo loved them. Always had. Always would. He would remember. He would love.
And they would never forget.