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A pair of tieflings sat under a balcony at the Last Light Inn, on one of the rare patches of soft grass to be found in all of the Shadow-Cursed lands. One was large and red, the other small and purple, both looked very tired; splashes of blood on their armor here and there, with minor bruising on their exposed skin. The larger woman was leaning back, eyes closed, the smaller leaning on her, clinging to her arm for support.
“Woof. I’m too pooped to fucking poop,” Karlach said, eyes still closed.
“Tell me about it… I hate surprise battles. I was already so tired…” Eos said, smooshing her face into Karlach’s bicep.
There was grunting and swearing from the balcony above, then a scraping sound, and a corpse thudded down onto the grass in front of them. It was Marcus, the Flaming Fist who summoned the assault upon the inn that the pair, along with their other travelling companions, had barely defeated. All his taunting words were gone now, his body settling into a very undignified pose.
Eos peered at him and laughed. “They flung him down!? Can’t fly anymore, I guess! Hope those wings were worth it…” She stuck her tongue out at the splayed body.
“Guess if they pitch him out much farther, he’d get the fuck up again, maybe even fly back and lead another charge. Tell you what, E, if more undead wankers show up, I might tell them they can up and take me, so long as they leave everybody else alone.”
“Noooo! You can’t do that!” Eos sat up on her knees and tried to keep a serious expression on her face as she lectured, mostly failing. “Especially not on my birthday!”
“It’s your birthday!? Shit! You should have said something sooner!”
“Oh…” Eos covered her face with her hands, laughing. “I felt silly keeping track of the days… I wasn’t even sure I had the right day, until I heard some of the Harpers here talking. We have so much more important things going on than my silly birthday.”
“It’s not silly! I tried to keep track in Avernus. Lost track pretty damn quick, but I fucking tried.”
“You don’t think the others would think it’s silly? The elves are all so old! I bet they stopped celebrating birthdays forever ago…”
“Hrrrrm.” Karlach tugged Eos into her lap. “If they do, they’d better not say anything shitty. Besides, I knew this super old wrinkled elf lady who’d come by the neighborhood when I was little, she loved her birthday, she went around and gave us treats! I think you figure out different things to do when you got that damn many of them.”
“That makes sense…” She yawned. “Still though, there’s so much horrible stuff going on, my birthday doesn’t feel important… don’t want to bother anybody.”
Karlach inspected a bruise on Eos’s forehead. “You got thwacked but good there… you should go have Isobel look you over.”
“Huh? But you said it was fine…”
“Got a better look at it now, it’s getting even more purple. And if I can tell that on you, that’s a problem!” She grinned.
Eos pouted for a moment, then smiled and kissed Karlach on the lips, before pushing away from her and standing up. “Fine, fine, if you say so. I guess if you’re not allowed to be kidnapped on my birthday, I’m not allowed to fall over and die either.”
“Damn straight!” Karlach laughed, watching Eos totter away to the front of the inn. The moment she was out of sight, she scrambled to her feet and dashed towards their small camp, leaving their weapons and one dead Marcus behind on the grass.
Most of the party was in front of their tents, tending to various tasks. Karlach stumbled to a halt, looked around quickly, then dashed towards Halsin.
“Halsin! Bearman! You’ve had a lot of birthdays, I need help!”
Halsin looked up from his mortar and pestle, full of flowers he was grinding down for healing potions, no doubt. “Yes, I have.” He laughed. “How can my endless pile of namedays assist you?”
“It’s Eos’s birthday today and I want to get her something! But…” She waved around the area. “Look where we fucking are! I doubt there’s a fucking shadow-cursed Wide out there open for business.”
He nodded. “Quite the conundrum… you are in luck; I do have a possible solution for you. I did not know her day was approaching, but…” Halsin turned to reach into his tent, plucking up a stuffed owlbear toy. “I could not leave this in that ruined cabin where we saw a fragment of my oldest friend. Its color reminded me of one of my newest friends, so I was planning to gift it to her, after cleaning it some. I will gladly give it to you to do so, instead.”
Karlach gasped as she took the stuffed toy. “Oh! How did I miss seeing this little guy there?! He’s perfect… he can be friends with Clive!”
Halsin laughed. “That was my thought as well.”
“Thanks so fucking much, Halsin! I’m gonna go clean this fella up!” She grinned, racing towards the bit of the river inside the protective bubble.
Only to have her path blocked by Astarion, coming out from behind the nearest tree.
“Darling, a moment…”
Karlach managed to not bump into the suddenly appearing vampire, but it was a near thing. “Fangs? Don’t do that!”
“Mmm? Do what?” He asked, grinning up at her. “All I am doing is preventing you from making a terrible mistake.”
“Mistake? What the shit are you on about?”
“Your little love’s first birthday celebration with you and you are planning to give her that?”
Karlach looked down at the owlbear toy, then back to Astarion. “Bad idea?”
“Terrible, darling. Terrible.” He shook his head. “Don’t listen to druids who have spent more time as bears than not.”
“I suppose you got a better fucking idea then?”
He grinned. “Why, my dear, of course I do. It’s simple… what do you get a farm girl who has taken up the adventuring life?”
“Well, I thought I was getting her an owl bear toy.”
Astarion snatched it away from her surprised hands, quickly shifting to hold it by one ear, between his thumb and forefinger. “No! You are not! Look at this thing! It is filthy! And it smells beyond foul. Perhaps you cannot tell, but I can. It has some sort of… mold growing inside. I have half a mind to burn it!”
Karlach laughed as Astarion’s voice rose higher and higher in pitch. “Shit, Fangs, glad you were here to set me right.”
He hrmph’ed at her, keeping his arm out ramrod straight, still holding the owl bear with as little physical contact as possible. “What does anyone truly want? Power.”
“If you tell me to give her tadpoles to shove up her nose I’m punting you into the lake.”
Astarion sputtered. “Of… of course not! There is a more… universal source of power! Gold. Money is power. Give her your coin, to do with as she wishes. A perfect present!”
“Mmmhmmm.”
He scoffed at her, “I have had almost as many birthdays as the druid, you realize. What, do they not count because I have not been alive? How rude of you!”
Karlach laughed at him, shaking her head. “I guess with coin she could get whatever the fuck she wanted after we got out of this place. Still doesn’t seem that fun…”
“Fun is highly over rated. Trust me.” With that, he started quickly walking towards the inn, still holding the toy at arm’s length, frowning deeply at it when the wind changed direction.
She called out after him, “Got it, Fangs, for your birthday I’ll give you a shiny gold coin and you’ll love it!” Karlach sighed as she walked towards the campfire. “Back to square fucking one. Maybe… we do have lots of gold… could hide pieces around for her to find…”
Wyll was hard at work on getting said campfire started for the evening. “You are more on the right track than you think, Karlach. The best gifts cost nothing at all, can be bought at no store, take up no space, and can never be taken away.”
She stopped and laughed. “That sounds real fucking nice, Wyll, but what does it mean?”
“Gift her an experience! Though I suggest something other than the coin scavenger hunt, we do enough of that already. Write her poetry.” Wyll smiled. “Even better, a song, that you can play for her on the lute.”
“You’re daft! I can’t play worth a damn.”
“That would simply make her love it all the more, trust me. The way she looks at you, as if you put the stars in the sky… and as far as she is concerned? You did.”
“I’m about to give you coin to write this fancy poem after you spit more words like that at me.”
On the other side of the campfire, Lae’zel was sparring with Gale, having decided the wizard needed to learn some more practical skills. She had easily been able to listen to the conversation, and still send him crashing down with a sweep of her sword hilt. She nodded. “You lasted fourteen seconds. Improvement.”
She turned towards Karlach. “Experiences are priceless, I agree. All of you on this Fae-Run are too taken with material things. My people do not exchange baubles when we observe our hatching days. Instead, we battle. You are a woman of action, not poetry. Spar with your love, as you have never sparred before. Battle to the brink of death! That would make a fine present.”
“Hrrrm…” Karlach raised an eyebrow.
“Imagine, the pair of you on the field, spent beyond all measure, but still fighting on. Turning to your natural weapons, biting and clawing.”
“Hrrrrmmm!” Karlach’s other eyebrow joined the first.
“If I may object…” Gale struggled to his feet. “I think we have enough violence in our daily lives. Birthday presents should be memorable! Something different from every day experiences or objects. Additionally, as this is her first celebration with you as a couple, you would be most remiss indeed to not make it a romantic gift. I confess, I am most partial to the material in this case.”
“What you got for me, magic man?”
Gale walked around the now roaring camp fire, limping only slightly. He held out his hand, two gold rings with green gemstones on his palm. “During our travels I came across these rings. Well, first I came across one, and then the other. Using the former to find the latter! They are magically linked to one another. The enchantment is hard for me to discern, but what it is does not matter, the very concept of linked rings is most romantic.”
Lae’zel nodded. “Small enough to be practical. Acceptable.”
“Linked jewelry is very romantic…” Wyll said, nodding approvingly as well.
Karlach took the rings. “This green’ll look great with her skin. Thanks a million, Gale!”
“It is my pleasure, glad to be of assistance.”
“That is enough of a break, wizard. Back to training.”
Gale sighed, picking up his borrowed sword again. “Once more unto the breach, dear knees, once more…”
Karlach hummed happily to herself, sitting at a small table inside the inn. It turned out Eos really did take a worse hit on the noggin than either one of the hardheaded barbarians realized. She would be just fine, but had been ordered to lay down for at least a short while. Giving Karlach plenty of time to prepare her birthday surprise; currently she was polishing up the matched set of rings, making them gleam.
Jaheira, Minthara, and Shadowheart were having a conversation at the next table. Karlach was not really paying attention, visions of a purple tiefling in various stages of undress dancing through her head instead.
When the conversation ended and Shadowheart walked by her table, Karlach was still happily humming away, planning out the rest of the evening. Then she realized Shadowheart had stopped by her table, looking down at the rings, strange expression on her face.
“Hey, Fringe! What’s wrong? You look spooked.”
“What do you have those for?” Shadowheart rubbed her hand, eyes not leaving the rings.
“They’re for Eos, today is her birthday! Gale found ‘em for me, says they got some romantic linking enchantment on ‘em.”
“No.”
Karlach blinked. “No…?”
“No. You can’t give those to her.”
“And why the fuck not?”
Shadowheart snatched the rings up before Karlach could stop her. “They’re cursed. I… I can’t explain right now.”
She turned to leave, stopping when Karlach shouted after her, “Oi! You can’t just take them and skedaddle; I need something for E!”
“Sharrans give no gifts on birthdays. The observation is enough, the loss of another year of life, gifted to the dark lady.”
“We’re not fucking Sharrans.” Karlach glared, flames licking over her body.
Shadowheart slipped the rings into her pocket and rubbed her hand again. “Give her… flowers. There are lovely night orchids in this region…. And black oleanders. They pair well together.”
“Flowers? Hrm…” Karlach drummed her claws on the table. “Not original, but I like it! Plum forgot there were any flowers around here…” With a nod, Shadowheart made her escape.
From behind Karlach, Minthara said, “Flowers? Really, Karlach, you can do better than that. They are so ephemeral. Doomed to wither and die before her eyes.”
After taking a moment to grit her teeth Karlach turned around, smiling. “Minthy! Everybody else has had their turn so what do you think I should get her?”
“Something useful and practical. A gnome slave.” She motioned at Barcus, who was tinkering with one of his inventions on the other side of the inn. “You are fortunate enough to have one right here to gift her. Such a present is a fine gift for one you are courting. Please let me know when the handover is occurring, I would greatly enjoy watching, it will bring back fond memories of my own courtships…”
Karlach stared at Minthara, utterly speechless. Jaheira sat down heavily in her chair, catching Karlach’s eyes and shaking her head, but likewise saying nothing.
Minthara looked between the other two women. “What? This is practical from every aspect. How else will that one survive these lands? You would be doing him a favor. He is very industrious and creative; it would be a shame if he ran off into yet further misfortune. Servitude is the natural state of the deep gnome; it is where they find their truest fulfillment.”
Jaheira held her hand up and spoke, “Cub. Look inside your heart. Where it should be. Let your heart guide you. Trust me, your Eos will treasure anything you give her this day.”
“Look where my heart should be, huh?” Karlach thought it over, once again drumming her claws on the table top, until the answer came to her. “That’s it! Dammon! I’ll go ask Dammon!” She raced out of the inn, knocking over her chair in the process.
“She’ll regret letting that fine specimen slip through her gifting fingers.” Minthara crossed her arms and scowled. “He is learned and trained, as well as proper and polite.”
“That is more of a marriage present. Here. For us.” Jaheira poured herself a generous class of wine.
Minthara chewed her words over, then nodded. “I see. I have heard that courtship and marriage are more serious matters here than in Menzoberranzan. These strange surface customs…”
“—and so, what do you think I should get her, Dammon?”
Dammon blinked at Karlach, arm still raised high over his anvil, where it had been frozen since shortly into her retelling of her quest to find a proper present for Eos. He blinked several more times, for good measure.
“I… do not have any suggestions, Karlach. I don’t know Eos very well. You know her far better.”
She groaned and slumped over slightly.
“You mentioned an owlbear toy? That was too dirty to give her?” He motioned at the far side of his forge, where a very similar but much cleaner stuffed owlbear was hanging. “Your elf friend, with the curly hair, hung it there to dry some time ago.”
Karlach gasped, “Fangs! You little pointy fucker.” She snatched the toy down, looking it over; it was the exact same one, of course, but now clean and mostly dry. She gave it a sniff. “Smells good enough to me. Thanks, Dammon!”
“No problem!” he said, chuckling to himself as he went back to hammering.
Eventually Karlach found herself at the side of the inn again, looking at the owlbear toy. “Is this really good to give her? After all of that shit I went through trying to figure it out? Back here?” She chewed on her lip. “Karlach, I think you’ve come down with a case of over-thinking-it-bitch fever…”
Laugher drew Karlach’s attention, she looked up to see Isobel leaning against the side of the building, holding a black cigarette.
“Shit, sorry, Isobel, ma’am, I didn’t see you there I—”
“Please, Karlach, you saved my life today, no need for the ma’am.” She laughed again, putting the cigarette out on the brickwork. “And here I am smoking cloves… not very grateful, am I?”
“Naw, I get it. Sometimes… you just gotta.”
“I knew you would understand. Don’t think. Simply do.” She pointed at the owlbear. “If you two are meant to be, any present at all will be appreciated. A bit more light in this horrible darkness we find ourselves in…”
“I knoooow you’re right, but… I still want it to be super special, you know?”
“I know.” Isobel smiled. “We put so much pressure on ourselves to make the first everything so special, right when it is the most difficult. We hardly know the other person, but yet know our souls will be forever intertwined…”
“Yeah. I don’t want to cock this up.”
“Think of what you would most want… perhaps that is the answer.”
Karlach blinked, then grinned, fire spreading over her as she laughed. “Shit, girl, I wish I would have come to you first!”
“Can I open my eyes yet, Karlach?”
“Not yet, E! Hold onto your tail for two more shakes! I see you trying to peek! That eye is too bright. You cover those eyes!”
Eos giggled and covered her eyes, keeping her fingers tightly together as Karlach worked, setting up the birthday surprise on a round table in the inn, right in front of a fancy window.
“Okay… now!” Karlach plopped into the other chair across the table from Eos, eyes glued to her tiny girlfriend.
Said tiny girlfriend gasped, her hands now over her mouth, as she beheld the items on the table. There was a nice clean and dry owlbear toy, with a flower tucked under each arm, and a small cake, with a single candle burning in the middle.
“Happy fucking birthday, E!”
“Karlach! Oh! Look how cute he is!” She plucked up the owlbear toy, careful of the flowers. “Ah! He can be best friends with Clive…”
“Blow out your candle, soldier!”
Eos did exactly than, then gasped again. “Is… is that…”
“A tief-cake? You know it baby! Lakrissa knew how to make it, did a bang-up job.”
“Oh, I’ve not had one in so long… I love how the bark tastes with the frosting…”
“She even had shale pebbles to sprinkle on. It’s authentic.”
“Oh… oh, Karlach! This is all so wonderful…” She started tearing up with joy, even as she danced in her chair. “I didn’t expect any of this! You’re so wonderful…”
“Hah! To think for a bit, I was going to give up and just say I was your present, to hurry up and unwrap.”
“Oh! That sounds like a great present too…!”
Karlach laughed. “Eat your cake, E-baby. Then… maybe you can have more dessert.” She wiggled her eyebrows up and down. Eos laughed and set about doing exactly that.
Just as Karlach was worried she had gone a bit too far, Eos’s tail found her own under the table; the pair’s tails soon were tightly entwined.
“This is the best birthday in… in a long time, Karlach. I love you so much…”
“I love you too, E… next one. Even better. I promise.”