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Not Quite Up And Not Quite Down

Summary:

Hisoka’s swole physique leads to unexpected literary discussions and heated negotiations.

Notes:

The fic was written for Jingle Bell Schlock, December 17 prompt, "Stuck in a Chimney", and became a completely unnecessary yet inevitable Part 4 of the series. The knowledge of the first three parts is not required, and probably won’t make this one make sense anyway.

 
Santa Claus got stuck in my chimney
Stuck in my chimney, stuck in my chimney
Santa Claus got stuck in my chimney
When he came last year (poor Santa Claus)

Santa Claus got stuck in my chimney
Stuck in my chimney, stuck in my chimney
Santa Claus got stuck in my chimney
He won't come back, I fear (boo-hoo)

There he was in the middle of the chimney
Roly-poly, fat and round
There he was in the middle of the chimney
Not quite up and not quite down

(Ella Fitzgerald, 1950)

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

“That’s simply not possible!”

“And yet…”

“I had Mil double-check the dimensions of the air ducts. He was positive we would both squeeze through. Have you put on weight?”

“Excuse me?! I may have gotten stuck, but I’m not going to tolerate such accusations. OK, so I bulked up a bit before the next fight... But if your brother was so sure, why didn't he go this way himself?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Hisoka! Come on, try to move forward.”

 

A desperate rustle.

 

“No can do.”

 

An exasperated sigh.

 

“What am I to do with you now?”

“How am I supposed to know?! I can’t move!!! Maybe just put me out of my misery.”

“No way. I cannot leave any traces. And you would not be any easier to move dead than alive.”

“And here I was, starting to think you actually care… You know, the kill was spotless. And who’s going to check the air vents during Christmas?”

“Ah. Right. I forgot all about that nonsense.”

“How could you forget about Christmas?”

“My family does not celebrate it.”

“So… you don’t need to return to Kukuroo for a Christmas dinner?”

“Not really, no.”

“And you’re not going to leave me here?”

“I already told you as much.”

“And you could just stay here with me and read me a Sustaining Book, such as would help and comfort a Wedged Magician in Great Tightness?”

“Hisoka. I am not going to read you pornography.”

“Who said anything about pornography? Lumi, have your tutors never had you read ‘Winnie-the-Pooh’?”

“What use would it be to me?”

“Well, for one thing, you would recognize the quote… But since you mentioned porn…”

“No. I refuse to sit here and read you anything. However…”

“Yes?”

“If you find a way to get out, I’ll let you choose what we do next.”

“You mean…?”

“Yes.”

“And you’ll agree to anything?”

“How come you already look like you have something very particular in mind?”

“I do. You remember when we talked about the Bungee Gum restraints…?”

“You know how I feel about those.”

 

A sad sigh.

 

“Yeah. Limp.”

Hisoka. One more word on the subject and my offer is off the table.”

“All right, all right, I’ll shut up now. But… this actually gave me an idea… Wait a moment, I’ll just put a thin layer all over my arms… And use some to form a rope…”

“OK, got it. I’ll pull on the count of three.”

“One… two… Ow!”

 

A very sudden pop.

 

“I have to admit, your Bungee Gum does come in handy sometimes.”

“So… We can go to my place now?”

“We can.”

“And since you’re not in a hurry… you could actually spend the night?”

“I could. Provided there are no restraints involved.”

“OK. But you will wear an ugly sweater. I have a pink one that would look great on you.”

“How can an ugly sweater look great?”

 

A low chuckle.

 

“You’ll see.”

“Fine. But only if you wear a green one!”

Notes:

I really just wanted to write a little something inspired by one of my favourite Christmas songs. I had no plans to suddenly remember a very particular chapter of “Winnie-the-Pooh”, or to project one of my biggest fears (getting stuck in any tight spaces) onto Hisoka. Sorry about that. And Happy Holidays, dear Reader!

 

Credit where credit is due! Thank you to:

Lady_Bisky for working the beta-reading magic.
Shent! for inadvertently motivating me to continue acting as the Hisoillu fandom representative to various weird and wonderful events, and for the ugly sweater colour schemes.
handywithfire for pulling no punches.

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