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The calendar on the wall hadn’t been changed for months. Dust gathered on the small shelf in Levi’s room where there laid six items - a pen, a teacup, a compass, a portrait, a pocket watch, and a ring.
__________________
Snow drifted through the sky, descending like angels exiled from Heaven. Levi stayed by the window, observing each one with an almost boyish concentration. He noted that the pattern on each one was unique. Some were larger, simpler, uneven. Some were smaller, more intricate, and symmetrical.
He had only heard of snow from his mother. As a boy, he believed her when she spoke of its beauty every winter on his birthday, her voice soft and distant in his memory, like a faraway dream.
“Levi, the snow is falling right now above. They’re dancing and celebrating your birthday.”
As he grew up, his world filled with violence and menace. There was no time left for such fantasies. He had buried the thought deep, along with other gentle things.
“You never told me your birthday is today,” said Erwin, standing at the doorway of his room - their room.
Levi turned to him.“It ain’t that special.”
“I could’ve got you a gift.”
“You don’t need to,” Levi scowled. “I never do anything about it.”
That was a lie. His mother made that day special, with whatever she could manage - a meal that actually filled his belly, or a small trinket from the market. She had always found a way to remind him he was loved.
“You’ve never seen snow before, have you?” Erwin walked over and joined him at the window.
“No.”
“I have read books that my father used to keep about how people used to celebrate the 25th of December as a religious practice.”
“Smith,” Levi pinched the bridge of his nose. “Stop making up shit.”
“It’s true,” Erwin laughed, though there was a pained edge to it.“I’d show you if they hadn’t taken all of his books.”
Levi hummed in response, clearly not convinced.
“I’m heading to the city centre today. Why don’t you join me?”
“I don’t wanna be your little companion on one of your shopping trips. I ain’t your wife, Commander.”
He went anyway.
The bookstore smelled of old paper and ink. Erwin was searching for one of Mike’s recommendations. “A book about strategies,” he’d said. “Just like the boring ones that you enjoy.”
Levi’s gaze lingered by the glass case of fountain pens, their polished bodies catching the glow from the candle. He remembered seeing ones like them in the Underground and Kenny’s smirk as he said, “Ha! What a waste of money. No one needs to read and write.”
Erwin leaned over his shoulder. “Would you like one?” he asked, holding a thick, dull-covered volume - exactly the sort that Erwin always chose.
“I’m not good at writing.”
“You’re getting better every day,” Erwin said, ruffling Levi’s hair.
Levi swatted his hand away and shot him a glance like a warning ‘not in public’.
When Levi turned away from the pens, Erwin was already at the counter. The soft rustle of paper wrapping was unnoticed by Levi.
On the way back to the headquarters, Erwin handed Levi the small box. “For your birthday,” he said simply.
“I told you not to.” Levi stared at him.
“I know.”
But Levi didn’t let go of the box. He held it against his chest as though it was something fragile, something that would disappear if he wasn’t careful.
He had been practicing though. At first, his fingers tightened around the pen, as if it were a blade. Erwin would come closer and gently pried his fingers open, holding his wrist until the tension fell away. His calloused hand was so large that it enveloped Levi’s scarred one, steadying it. He blushed while Erwin whispered instructions into his ear, and he buried his face further into the papers.
Not long after, his handwriting was even better than Erwin’s or any one’s at the Survey Corps. The Captain’s handwriting was often described as like newspaper print, neat and controlled.
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Levi had not said anything about his birthday this year, and neither did Erwin. He tried to convince himself that it was normal and that no one had any obligation to do anything for him. Birthdays were for children, for people with softer lives. Not him.
Still, the disappointment was written legibly on his face, as he heard the young cadets murmuring about how the Captain was in a bad mood that day.
Erwin had left for Wall Sina before dawn, for a meeting with the nobles, to negotiate for increased funding towards the Survey Corps.
Before leaving, he pressed a kiss on Levi’s temple.
Levi stirred and stretched beneath the sheets like a small, sleepy cat. “Are you going already?” He squinted against the low candle light by the bedside table. Outside, it was dark and gloomy. Faintly, he could hear the howling winds through the cracks of the window.
Erwin nodded. “I’ll be back after dinner.”
He straightened Levi’s blanket with his usual care, tucking them around his shoulders, before reaching for his coat and boots.
Levi mumbled something, perhaps a good luck or an insult about not messing up in front of the pigs. He couldn’t remember.
Dinner that night was simple. He sat at the table with the veterans, listening to Hange’s endless chatter on their new project. It was something to do with Titans’ skin. He barely listened, his mind was elsewhere.
By the time he returned to their room, Erwin still hadn’t come back.
Levi blew out the candle. He laid down, pulling the blankets tight around his body. He was not someone that needed much sleep but he closed his eyes anyways, hoping that the day would pass sooner and that childish ache would fade by morning.
Knock. Knock.
Levi didn’t know how long he had laid there, staring at the ceiling.
The door opened softly. Erwin came in, the stench of booze and faint scent of perfume clinged onto him.
“I’m sorry. The meeting took longer than expected.” He put his coat on the rack. The floorboards creaked with each step.
Levi didn’t move. He kept his eyes closed, breathing evenly, feigning sleep.
“Happy birthday, Levi”
“I thought you forgot.” The words came out before he could stop it. He then cursed himself for behaving like an entitled brat.
“I’d never forget,” Erwin smiled. “I brought you something from the Capital." He put the box on Levi’s lap.
Levi hesitated before opening the box. It was a teacup that resembled the one he had broken as a boy - porcelain with green edges. The handle had broken off as he gripped onto it, shattering into a thousand bright pieces onto the floor. The last connection he had with his mother was gone.
He had told the story to Erwin once, briefly, when he was asked the reason behind his strange way of holding a teacup. Erwin had asked quiet questions then, ones that Levi found odd. What did it look like? The colour? The shape of the handle? Levi answered without thinking much about it.
Now he understood.
Levi blinked hard, looking at the teacup that was exactly like the one from his memories, the fragments perfectly restored.
“I thought it’s nice for you to have it again.”
“Thank you,” Levi managed at last. “She would’ve liked it.”
__________________
The rain was relentless, hammering the canvas of their tents, as if they had a will of their own - to exterminate the members of the Survey Corps as the Titans had tried to do.
The nobles had demanded results that year, so they were all forced to trudge through the knee-deep snow with the horses walking beside them. Still, they were grateful it was only night that the heavy rain started, the Titans were immobile at night.
Still, the relentless cold was cruel, biting through their uniforms.
Erwin and Levi sat dripping with rainwater, their cloaks heavy and their clothes drenched.
Levi took off his shirt and glanced over. “What are you going,” he asked, his voice thick with fatigue.
Erwin didn’t answer immediately. He pulled out from his inner pocket: something small and wrapped in cloth. He set it down before taking his clothes off as well.
“Open it.”
Levi reached over gingerly and unwrapped it with deliberate care. It was a compass, new and shiny, with the initials “L.S.” engraved on the lid.
He stared at the “S”, the corner of his mouth twitching. “Is this a proposal or a birthday gift?”
“Perhaps,” Erwin hummed, smiling.
“Smith,” Levi said, though his voice cracked slightly. “You know, I’m not committing to anything as permanent as marriage. I could die any day.”
“So could I.”
“That’s not the-” Levi started, but the words dissolved as Erwin pressed his mouth against Levi’s lips. All the complaints were swallowed by the warmth that seeped into his face and down his body. The unforgiving cold that clung to him was replaced by the passionate heat shared between the two men.
Erwin drew himself closer to Levi, the sound of their nighttime intimacy was obscured by the thunder and rainfall. They moved as one, sharing something human and personal, their shadows moving with life, the space between them vanished.
Every breath. Every moan. Every groan. The sound resonated in the cramped tent, the night pulsing with every thrust.
“A compass,” Erwin whispered into Levi’s ears. “So you never get lost and you’ll always find your way back home.”
Home.
Levi would learn decades later that he would never find his way back. Home was neither a concrete place nor anything tangible. It was where Erwin was and he had lost that when he made his choice on that roof. where two lives remained hung on a fragile balance.
__________________
The next one came when they were both on a trip to the Capital. Erwin had claimed that there was an emergency conference they needed to attend.
Levi found out, only after stepping off the carriage, that the ‘emergency’ was nothing more than a day out with Erwin - a ‘date’.
“I ain’t a young girl,” Levi frowned. “The concept of dating is well beyond my age.”
Erwin smiled, “Everyone deserved to know that they’re loved.”
Levi’s ears turned red immediately and Erwin’s smile only deepened. The weakness of Humanity’s Strongest Soldier was that he blushed at the mere mention of love, a secret he made Erwin swear never to tell the cadets.
“They’d lose all respect for me,” he had warned.
They sat by the window at a quiet tea house. The air smelled of tea leaves and warm pastries. Erwin had ordered them a pot of black tea and a plate of pastries.
“You know I don’t like sweet things,” Levi muttered.
“Well I do,” Erwin replied easily, as he stuffed a spoonful of cream into his mouth. “The cream reminds me of something else,” His grin turned mischievous.
“Shut up,” Levi said sharply, kicking him under the table.
Erwin only laughed, the sound low and genuine, the sound Levi would never admit liking but would find himself missing it deeply after it was gone.
“At least try it,” Erwin suggested but his hands were already moving, holding the spoon out in front of Levi’s face. “Say ahh.”
Levi shot him a warning look, then glanced around the tea house. If the Commander and his Captain were caught behaving like this in public, it would lead to gossip and speculations. It was one thing for people to assume they shared a room for the Commander’s protection, another to suspect that they shared something as human as affection.
He was grateful there was no one in the store, except for the owner who was busying himself with the display.
Levi sighed and opened his mouth, accepting a spoonful of cream.
It was sweet but not overpowering. It was pleasant.
He turned away, pretending not to notice the smile tugging at Erwin’s lips.
After they finished their tea, they stepped onto the busy streets. The sound of vendors shouting at the passersby to promote their products mingled with the soft chatter of patrons and loud laughter from the children. Levi usually hated crowds and noise but with Erwin’s grounding presence, it was bearable.
That day, they were in their everyday clothes. Wearing the Survey Corps uniform would get them more favours, more discounts. But today, they weren’t the Commander and the Captain. They were simply Erwin and Levi.
A small crowd gathered ahead of them. An old man sat on a low bench beside a stall, pencil in hand, sketching the young couple seated before him. The paper rustled lightly, with the artist’s hand moving quickly for each stroke, capturing the essence of them.
“Do you want to get one?” Erwin asked, voice low enough only Levi could hear him.
Levi gave him a look. “A sketch of us?”
“Why not?” Erwin was beaming like a young boy. “It’ll be fun.”
“I don’t see the point,” Levi murmured. “It’s just a piece of paper with our faces in it.”
“It’s a memory that can be preserved.”
“You’re impossible,” Levi muttered but still followed Erwin to the queue.
“And you still humour me,” Erwin replied, pleased.
When it was their turn, the artist regarded them a second longer than usual, perhaps it was recognition but he didn’t say anything.
Erwin set down a few coins and the artist asked them to look at each other.
“Stop staring,” Levi said under his breath.
“I’m only following instructions,” Erwin shrugged.
The pencil moved softly across the paper, the silhouette of their faces became more apparent. Though it was a simple charcoal sketch, it captured Erwin’s calmness and Levi’s steadiness well, especially the intimacy between them neither dared to name.
Levi stared at it longer than intended. “You paid too much for this,” he complained.
“One day, Levi,” Erwin’s eyes lingered on him, something almost painful flickering in his eyes. You’ll understand.”
“Tsk,” Levi scowled, trying to deflect the heaviness in Erwin’s tone. “Do you really have to ruin my birthday with your depressing talk of sacrifices and dedication?”
Little did he know, that was the only way he would remember Erwin’s face by. Over the years, the details would begin to fade - the slant of his nose, the curve of his smile, the way his eyes softened when they met his. The picture, though imperfect, helped him piece together the lost memories.
__________________
The Survey Corps rarely had a day off, yet somehow it landed on the Captain’s birthday. Levi had his own squad now. Petra insisted on celebrating after Eld looked through the archives and discovered the date.
Levi had no choice but to tag along. He couldn’t exactly tell them, “I’d rather spend it with the Commander.”
They took him to a restaurant in town and treated him with a simple but hearty lunch. The squad handed him their gifts one by one: fine tea leaves, a cleaning kit, a new cravat. Levi thanked them all in his usual curt way, but his mind drifted off elsewhere.
After they returned to the headquarters, he excused himself under the pretense of paperwork and retreated to his room.
Erwin was waiting for him in their room, signing off documents from their latest expedition. Something in his posture was off. The Commander of the Survey Corps was sulking.
As Levi stepped into the room, Erwin turned towards him, pouting in a childish way.
“Why the fuck are you giving me that look?” Levi frowned.
Erwin set his pen down with an exaggerated thud, “You didn’t tell me where you were going.”
“Commander,” Levi sighed sarcastically. “With all due respect, I don’t think I need to send you a damn report about where I’m going.”
“Besides,” he gestured to the mountain of paperwork stacked on the desk. “You don’t have time for me anyways.”
“But you could’ve told me,” Erwin looked at Levi with his signature puppy eyes.
Levi locked the door behind him and slowly walked over to Erwin. Erwin leaned back on his chair, wordlessly pulling it slightly away from the desk before patting his thigh.
Levi gave him a sideways look but sat down anyway. He pressed his forehead against Erwin’s chest, the tension melting away almost instantly. The Captain’s usual scowl and the Commander’s usual stoicism was replaced by something gentler, more human.
The world outside was silent, save for the slow rhythm of heartbeats, the flutter of pulse synchronising, echoing in the dimly lit room.
Erwin reached over to the desk, opening the drawer to reveal a small box. Levi glanced over.
“Happy birthday, Levi.”
Levi took the box into his hands and lifted the lid. Inside, there was a pocket watch, its silver surface glimmered like a mirror. ‘For all the stolen time we have,’ was etched on it in cursive, one that resembled Erwin’s handwriting.
“You’re getting predictable,” Levi let out a faint laugh though it sounded warm. “Tea cup, portrait… now this.”
Levi’s fingers curled around the watch, holding it to his chest.
“Even if time doesn’t permit me to love you for eternity, I hope you’ll remember me forever.”
“Erwin,” Levi murmured, the name sounded soft in his tone, almost as if he was savouring each syllable. “You’re getting too sentimental. Don’t say shit like that.”
“I won’t,” Erwin promised after a pause. Promises were fragile things in their time and position. “I’ll stay with you for as long as you’ll allow me.”
“Tsk,” Levi clicked his tongue. “That would be eternity then.”
The tips of his ears started to turn pink again but Erwin didn’t say anything. He only smiled and ruffled Levi’s hair, enjoying that moment as if they were the only two people in the world.
__________________
It was the night before the Survey Corps’ return to Shiganshina.
“Levi,” Erwin said softly, sitting down beside Levi on a wooden crate by the staircase. There was a half-emptied cup of beer at Levi’s side. As far as Erwin was aware of, Levi was never a drinker.
Levi didn’t respond. He only took another slow gulp, pretending not to notice Erwin’s presence.
A few days before, they had argued, if it could even be called that. Erwin had insisted on joining the operation against Levi’s insistence for him to stay by the sidelines. Since then, the silence between them was sharp. Perhaps calling it a fight would be too simple, it was a quiet war.
“I didn’t come here to argue,” Erwin began, his tone weary.
“Then don’t,” Levi replied flatly.
“You’re angry.”
Levi rolled his eyes, “You’re observant.”
“I know you don’t want me to go but-”
“You’re not coming back,” Levi cut in harshly.
“I-” Erwin flinched at those words. Somewhere deep down, he had made his decision, his goal became resolute, but hearing it aloud made it unbearable.
“I don’t plan on dying,” he chose his words wisely.
“Tsk,” Levi exhaled, though it sounded more like resignation. “No one ever does.”
Silence lingered between them, as if they were suspended in time. If that night could last forever, Levi would do anything to stop time, before the morning tore everything apart.
Erwin broke the silence, “You know how significant this is for the Survey Corps. For humanity.”
“Cut out all that humanity bullshit!” Levi raised his voice, the sound echoing in the empty stairway.
Erwin was taken back, it was the first time Levi’s calm demeanour had cracked.
“Fuck humanity,” Levi continued, the words spilling out like something he had been holding onto for too long. “You’re an invalid with one arm, Erwin. What are you going to do out there? You’re just going to be Titan bait.”
“I can command,” Erwin answered resolutely.
Levi stared at him, “You can’t command as a corpse.”
The heaviness of the words hung between them.
Erwin reached into his coat pocket then showed Levi a small circular box with two simple rings inside. They were identical, with a diamond etched into the centre. One slightly smaller than the other.
“What the hell is this?” Levi asked though his voice softened.
Erwin kneeled down on one knee and said, “Happy birthday, Levi.”
“First of all, it ain’t my birthday until December,” Levi corrected. “Second of all, when you kneel, you’re supposed to say something else.”
Erwin chuckled quietly, “Then think of this as an early birthday gift.” He looked at Levi, with gentle eyes. “After I return, I’ll ask properly.”
“You better,” Levi muttered. “You’re getting worse at gifts. You know I don’t wear shit like that.”
“Just keep it, will you?”
Levi nodded, his voice stolen by something that resembled grief, though Erwin was right in front of him, alive. Later, out of fear that he might lose it, he kept it in a drawer of his desk, whilst Erwin wore his proudly on his ring finger.
When a few young cadets noticed and asked if the Commander was married that morning, Erwin only smiled and shrugged.
“Perhaps,” he said.
__________________
The six items now rested in Levi’s room. Occasionally, each one would go back to haunt him as flashes of memories or fleeting dreams - everything about Erwin had resurfaced over the years.
Armin, Connie and Jean had just left with their families. Their children had disturbed the house’s usual stillness, filling it with noise and laughter. Though Levi had rejected their offer to visit many times, he was grateful that they came for his birthday.
Gabi and Falco had taken good care of him throughout the years, helping him cook and clean the house. On weekends, they would even take him to the city or the seaside. But now, those two had their own lives, expecting their first child. Levi didn’t feel right to intrude their lives.
He sat in his armchair by the window, looking at the city. It was brighter than ever, with electric lights rather than candles, the low hum of car engines . At first, all these technologies had overwhelmed him. Over time, he learnt to exist in this battered body, in this new world built on the bones and ash of his comrades.
After switching off the lights, his eyelids grew heavy and Levi allowed them to close. There were no Titans to attack, no battles to win, no wars to fight.
For once, he dared to dream.
“Happy birthday, Levi,” the words spoken with a softness that he hadn’t experienced for years.
“Tsk,” Levi replied, a faint smirk started to form on his lips. “Took you long enough to come back.”