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They struggled to name what it was that caused them to act the way they did. Not because they didn’t know what it was but because they were afraid to admit what it was. For so long they’d pushed down this feeling and did their best to reject it within themselves. Did their best to avoid confronting it.
Because much like acting upon it, if they were to have confronted it, they would have had to name it. They would have had to make it real and once it became real they’d have to do something about it.
But it was already real. It had been for longer than they were willing to admit. Maybe they were more willing to admit it than they thought but they just didn't know how to say it. Or if they should at all.
They were nestled, warmly, on Eddie’s chest. His hand was resting gently over them as he read something they couldn’t have cared less about.
Their cares in this world were simple: Eat to survive. Survive to be with Eddie.
They were pathetic but it was only fitting that they be so, considering the position they were in. No other one of their species had done what they had. They were an anomaly. Always would be.
Eddie might have been a loser, but he was one of millions, if not billions of other losers on Earth.
For them, Eddie was the only other loser in their world.
And that was the root of their dilemma. They didn’t know if it was the loneliness that caused their predicament or if them being there really was some kind of cosmic design like most humans seemed to believe there was.
Regardless, it was the reality they struggled to grapple with.
Eddie. They said his name low and quiet, almost like a whisper.
“Yeah?”
Do you remember what it was like to be in love?
Their question gave him pause. He put down whatever it was he was reading and tilted his head to look at them.
“Whos asking?”
He was trying to be funny. Trying to avoid the question. It was typical behavior of his that they’d long since grown accustomed to.
Me.
“Yeah, and why’s that?”
Curious. That was what they said when they wanted to avoid a question. Whether Eddie knew that or not, they couldn’t always tell.
He sighed and disappointingly he removed his hand from where it rested on them. They already regretted asking him this question, but it was too late to take it back.
“Have you been rooting around in places you don't belong again?”
That question annoyed them because they knew it was meant to distract them. They had explained to Eddie more times than even they could remember that his memories were theirs, that there was nothing about him that didn’t ‘belong’ to them.
But the idea of ‘belonging’ to anyone made him uncomfortable, made him angry, and so he fought that claim at every turn.
He refused to accept the reality of his situation. Of their situation. Eddie belonged to them just as much as they belonged to him, it wasn't a matter of ownership, it was a fact. Their fates intertwined, not just through blood and muscle and the electrical firing of neurons but through something deeper. Something neither of them could touch or even conceive to fully comprehend.
They were bonded. Like beams of metal. Regardless of one's ability to see the point of convergence, it was impossible to consider it two separate parts.
They had only just begun to accept it but he was still fighting it.
Just thinking. They said amicably.
“And you were thinking about this…why?”
Reluctantly, they pulled away from him, just enough that they were still close but could face him.
Always thinking about it. I want to understand it.
“What is there to understand?”
They stared at him for a long moment and took in his features, in the way he was looking at him. How could they have been bonded to such a tiny creature? How could they have found…happiness in what most others of their kind would have considered a humiliation. They didn’t feel humiliated despite their pathetic state.
In fact, they felt the opposite. They felt a strange burning pride. Eddie, despite his inability to admit it, was theirs and in a roundabout way, they were his.
Plenty.
He rolled his eyes at them and shifted before he decided to sit up completely.
“I hate when you ask me questions like this.” He muttered, though he didn't break eye contact with him.
It's a simple question.
“Maybe for you.”
They knew that part of his reluctance to answer was because of the way he’d been unable, and possibly unwilling to accept that a part of him knew and maybe even also found the same feeling of pride in their bond. Their unbreakable union.
I want to feel it. They admitted in that same low, whisper-like voice that started the whole conversation.
“Feel…what?”
Love.
His heart rate elevated and his face reddened. He unconsciously clenched his fist loosely and maybe just as unconsciously, leaned forward just a little towards them.
“That’s a human thing.”
I’ve felt plenty of ‘human things.
“Like what?”
They leaned in as well, though their movement was intentional.
You tell us, Eddie. Their voice was still quiet, still low, whisper-like.
His face was still, though even without the bond the two of them shared, they’d still have been able to see every emotion, every thought that was happening behind the scenes. He was an open book to them.
“You’re not as smart as you think you are…” he muttered.
When it comes to you, I am.
He hesitated, his fist unclenched and he rested his hands uncomfortably on either side of him, like he was trying to hold himself up. Like their words alone were making him unsteady.
“What makes you so sure of that?”
They continued their advance, until there was very little space between their lips. Eddie didn’t pull away, they knew he wouldn't and yet they couldn't help but feel excited by that fact. By his lack of inaction.
I’m always sure when it comes to you.
His breath hitched and it was like their words had lit something in his heart. The sensation of the physical connection the kiss caused was unlike any they’d experienced by simply being attached to his nervous system. There was an influx of hormones in Eddie’s brain and distantly they felt him move, felt his hand rest on face.
His head was light.
So was theirs.
His body trembled slightly and they pushed in on him to help settle him.
They were aware of just how long they were like that. Lips moving together, their tongue carefully brushing over his. They were focused on every second of it. It was intoxicating. They wanted to gorge themself on that sensation, they wanted to gorge themself on Eddie, though not in the way they normally would for a human,
Eddie, however, felt differently. Eddie felt shame and maybe even guilt and humiliation.
“This isn’t love…” Eddie muttered quietly, quickly, as if he needed the reminder more for himself than for them.
His hands still hadn’t left their face, but they weren’t going to remind him of that. They liked when he touched them.
Of course it isn't.
He didn't look up at them, but he didn't pull away either.
They knew he was just being stubborn, that eventually would have to give in to the truth. Even though he could see the bond as well. It was unavoidable and for him, they could be patient.
It’s more than love, Eddie.
He finally looked back up at them, though he didn't say anything because despite his lack of verbal acknowledgment, they both knew it was true.