Chapter Text
THE ANSWER IS NO
Bella’s POV
I closed my ears to his flowery words. Seconds became minutes became hours to me as word after word left his mouth. So many words, and none of them actually the words “ I am sorry”.
I closed my eyes to his perfection. His perfect hair, perfect eyes, perfect face, perfect body. His perfection used to make me feel so imperfect. Now I had to see his perfection as another tool used to draw his prey in.
I closed my nose against his smell. Soft and sweet and full of comfort. Like sunshine and honey, the perfect drug of my choice. He wanted the drug of my scent back. I just wanted to continue being sober, even if the withdrawals were painful.
I closed my mouth against the word begging to spill from my lips. God I just wanted to say yes. The last words, request, demands ringing out around me. Can I forgive him? Can I take him back? I already know what I have to say.
In deference to our past, my heart that he still owned, even if pieces, I paused. I remembered a text message from months ago. I never did agree with typical teenage drama and angst. I hated when girls my age made their boyfriends jump through hoops on command like a trained animal. Just this once, in respect for our past, I would give him a chance. A test.
“Will you change me?”
“What?”
“Will you change me?”
“Bella, love please! If this is about the Volturi..”
“No! This isn’t about them. This is about us! You and me! This isn’t about the Volturi or your family or Charlie or Jacob or anyone or anything else. Answer the DAMN question! Will you change me? Now! Tell me the truth! Tell me, right the fuck now Edward!”
Edward looked horrified. I don’t know if it was my words, the volume of the delivery, or my crass language. I was fucking done.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
“No…. I’m sorry, Bella, love. I can’t. I just can’t.”
“Then that’s my answer to you Edward. Go. Goodbye”
He left. Of course he did. He wouldn’t bend, and neither would I. It wasn’t just about immortality, even if I wanted it. It wasn’t about the Volturi, even if I was fucking terrified. It wasn’t about the danger I was in around his family, because honestly, they could fuck right off. I didn’t need to be around them anymore. They hurt me just as bad as he did. Dying would hurt less. It was about our future. He wouldn’t bend. I couldn’t break again. He would leave me again. If he couldn’t promise me forever, when that was the only option he had for his life, he would leave me again. If he couldn’t promise to stay even if it’s not what’s best for me, he would leave me again. I honestly wasn’t surprised by his answer.
I still hurt, I don't know if it will ever get better. I still love him, but I can see now that love is not enough. I still want him, but as equals, which he would never allow. I want to take it back, take it all back. Take back my rejection of him, and his love. I knew now he really did love me. I need to never do that. He never changed during our separation. He was still frozen, in the exactly the same mental and emotional state that he was 104 years ago. He had not changed. He may never change, but I already had. It was time to channel my inner, bitter, bitch.
I grabbed my emergency bag from the closet, put a letter addressed to Charlie on my pillow, picked up my keys from the desk, and left the house. I put my bag in the bed of the truck, jumped up, and in, started the ignition, and left the town. I stopped at the bank. I stopped at the grocery store. I stopped to drop off a single letter at the post office. I left the state, then I left the country.
I drove and drove. I stopped for gas and drove some more. I stopped for gas and food and kept going. I stopped for gas and to sleep, and kept going. I stopped for gas and a bathroom and kept going. I made no decisions, but to keep driving. Suck on that you psychic pixie! Some sister. Some best friend. No goodbye from her. No goodbye from me.
I stopped when my truck broke down. I dragged my bag up and over my shoulders, then hiked into the woods. I hiked for hours for hours. I drank water, and kept moving. I stumbled, and kept moving. I had no idea where I was, or where I was going. I kept moving. I ate my last bit of food and threw the garbage on the ground. I kept moving. I drank my last bit of water and threw the bottle away. I kept moving. I found a clearing.
It had a raised stone wall, the backside of a steep hill. It was isolated, miles from any roads. It was away from all water sources. I saw no obvious animal tracks around me. I poured the ammonia in a wide circle around the campsite to keep animals away. I dumped mothballs just outside the ammonia circle. I checked my bag to see what was left, making sure there was no food or water. I would be vulnerable for the next three days, I couldn’t protect myself from any animals if they came upon me. I was almost ready. I just needed to double check the bag one more time.
I had just over three thousand dollars in cash. I had a fully charged cell phone I had bought in Phoenix, and never really used. No one in forks knew about it. I had two battery powered chargers. I had three changes of clothes. I had one completely filled in notebook detailing my past. I had an old cassette player, loaded with a tape, and equipped with brand new batteries. That was it. That was all I was ending this life with. All i would begin my new life with. Well not quite. I had one more thing. The most important.
I had no idea how no one had noticed it was missing. I know if they knew, someone would have confronted me about it. I took one final look around me. All was clear. I pushed play on the cassette player. I positioned the syringe of venom over my bared chest, and started walking around the clearing with my eyes closed. I couldn’t make a decision as to what would come next. As the words started pouring out of the cassette player, and surrounding the clearing, I tripped over my own two feet. I fell to the ground. I held my breath. I kept my eyes closed. I felt nauseous. I felt terrified. I felt alone and brave. I felt excited and ready. I felt the burn.