Chapter Text
It was a dirty, nasty sort of habit, but that was okay with me. I was a dirty, nasty sort of person, no matter how I tried to fix it. I did good deeds, healed the sick with the power I never asked for, but I know it'll never be enough.
I am wicked, malformed, a wretched thing that should never have been allowed to fester this long. My adoptive family knows it, they shun my touch, my presence. I can't really hold it against them.
I'd also like a break from being myself, but that… that doesn't happen. Good things don't happen for bad people, and god knows I'm a sinner.
Technically, this particular sin is a religious act. I don't believe in much of anything anymore, but mortification of the flesh, that I believe in.
When my thighs are cut apart, when I barely walk up a flight of stairs from the pain of it, when I feel my flesh split and tear again as I move, I almost feel human. I almost feel like I've suffered enough, like I've been punished appropriately.
The thing is, it's getting harder to feel that way. I cut deeper, harder, in different places, and it doesn't fix it.
I'm pretty sure I can't be fixed, and that the ethical thing for my biological parents to have done would have been to abort me.
God knows my adoptive mother would agree. Carol Dallon is a busy woman, and she doesn't have time to comfort the ridiculous and pathetic fears of children. She hates me, she never wanted me, and I… I can't bring myself to hate her for that.
I'm alone at the moment. My adoptive family is out of the house for the day. Mark is off with his brother-in-law doing whatever it is they do for fun, Vicky is off with her boyfriend at some rich people thing that I was neither invited to nor had any interest in attending in the first place, and Carol-
I hear the front door of the house open, and my blood freezes in my veins.
‘No. Please, not like this. This is the worst possible-’
“Amy? Why aren't there any lights on in the house?”
My adoptive mother is afraid of the dark. In contrast, I don't enjoy being in bright light. The house did have lights on in the first floor, but I was on the second floor, and I'd turned out the hall light on my way into the bathroom.
The bathroom which had a bathtub full of bloody water that wasn't quite draining fast enough for my tastes. Desperately, I stuck my hand into the water, and I forced the blood to change color, enough so that it looked like I'd just taken a bath and used a bath bomb in it.
That was one problem solved. I looked down at myself, hissing as I realized that I'd let the blood clot on my skin, and that I'd need to scrub it off before-
“Amy wha- Amelia!?!”
Oh, fuck.
I turned my head, and I saw my adoptive mother standing outside the bathroom door, a blazing blade of light in hand. It was bright enough that it threw the lighting of the room into a strange, ethereal sort of vibe. Or maybe that was the blood loss making me woozy, who could tell?
“Hey Carol. How about we pretend this never happened, I come downstairs once I've got this cleaned up, and-”
“Absolutely the fuck not, Amelia.”
That was Carol's ‘I am entirely not in the mood for bullshit’ voice, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little frightened by her using it on me. Carol stormed into the room, and I retreated into the bathtub, using the curtain to cover myself up.
“Amy, what- what is this?” Carol asked, and I found myself shocked to hear her sound afraid of me. I swallowed heavily, feeling a small mountain of guilt begin to press down on me.
I sighed, unable to look at Carol. “A mistake. Just like everything else I've ever done, it was a sad, disgusting mistake, and I'm… I am sorry that you walked into it. It- I-”
“Amy.” Carol said, and I still could not bring myself to look at her as the traitorous, hateful, burning tears in my eyes began to fall. Carol grabbed my chin, more gently than I deserved to be touched, and forced me to look at her. “Amy, this… I don't know what to do to make this better.”
In spite of everything, I started to laugh, because I also didn't know what to do to make things better.
Frankly, I was pretty sure that there wasn't anything that could make this better.