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As Vi stared into the fireplace, she relished in the quiet of the manor. She hadn’t realized just how loud her mind was until it became quiet. Even in prison, Vi’s mind was never quiet, it was always echoing with the sounds of the enforcers’ footsteps or remembering old voices. Vi sighed as she realized she hadn’t had a real moment of peace in almost six years…
But that peace didn’t exactly come easy, and Vi was partly to blame for it. She had ignored Caitlyn and several doctors when they tried to help her or just give her advice. Jinx had never needed it, so why would Vi? Vi had also thought that any doctor she saw would just tell anyone who asked (like enforcers) exactly what was going on with her, and they would be ready to use it against her. It wasn’t until Caitlyn explained patient-doctor confidentiality that Vi actually shared anything with a doctor. Even then, Vi walked out of almost five appointments before she actually made it to the end of one.
She’d been having an even rougher week than usual when Caitlyn dragged her to a new therapist, Dr. Lyn, and Vi just unloaded on the poor woman. To her credit, Dr. Lyn listened without fear or judgment, then patiently reviewed Vi’s problems and shared what she made of them. She got right away that Vi wasn’t looking to be treated like some porcelain object and helped her figure out what was really worrying her, and gave her some new techniques on how to deal with her paranoia and hallucinations.
Several times throughout her visits with Dr. Lyn, Vi found herself wishing she could tell Jinx about what the Doctor said and how some of the ideas might have helped her when she was at her worst. Vi learned how a lot of Jinx’s coping mechanisms weren’t wrong per se, but they weren’t solving the issue, they were just kind of burying it.
Only once did Vi ever get the courage to ask Dr. Lyn about Jinx.
“Hey doc?” Dr. Lyn hummed, showing she was listening. “What do you know about Jinx?” The doctor hummed in confusion at the question that probably seemed out of left field for her. Vi had taken to keeping her family ties a secret and started calling her sister Powder during sessions. Partly because it made her feel better, partly because she hated the way people reacted to Jinx and knew people would treat her differently once they knew. The last thing she needed was her doctor writing her off as a lost cause due to her family history. Not that she wouldn’t be justified in doing so.
“I know she was deemed responsible for the attack that killed half our council,” Vi fought to hide her grimace. It was true afterall. “I know she became something of a symbol to Zahn following said attack, and I know she fought alongside you and Ms. Kiramman to drive off Ambessa.” Dr. Lyn finished. “Why do you ask?”
Vi took a deep breath. Here went everything. “Did you know she was like me?” The question caused surprise to flicker across Dr. Lyn’s face. Apparently, she didn’t know that.
“I did not. Though with what I’ve seen and heard about her, it makes sense,” the therapist conceded. Vi tried to swallow down her fear as her doctor looked at her with those stupid, knowing eyes. She probably already guessed why Vi was asking. “Are you worried you might be seen as similar to her?”
Vi shook her head. While that did worry her, it wasn’t the main issue. Despite what most people thought of Jinx, Vi’s baby sister was her hero, and she always would be. “No, that’s not exactly it…” Vi trialed off, hoping Dr. Lyn would jump back in, but when the woman stayed silent, Vi tried to force her thoughts in order a little more. “I- I am like her, but she became so… lost. How do I know that won’t happen to me?”
There it was. The million cog question. It was something that had been worrying Vi since the first time she’d slipped, the first time she reacted to something no one else could see. The first time her mind lied to her. For so long, Vi was confident she could tell what was real, but she was starting to get it wrong. She was wrong, and it terrified her. Even worse, it terrified Caitlyn.
Vi could see it in the way her girlfriend reacted. When Vi did something like turn abruptly to listen to Jinx her hallucination, Caitlyn’s face would twist in fear, and she would make excuses to give Vi space. Part of Vi knew it could just be her mind lying to her again, giving her a new reason to be paranoid, but if it was even a possibility that she scared Caitlyn, Vi had to take that seriously. Real or not.
Vi didn’t know what she expected in answer to her question. Disgust, maybe fear, but Dr. Lyn just looked at her with a soft understanding. “We both know I can’t guarantee that won’t happen,” Shame crawled up Vi’s throat. Of course not. She was just destined to lose her mind. All she could do was cause more harm to the people she loved. Maybe she should just leave while she is still able to come up with a coherent thought and-
“But what you are doing right now, this, will help with that.” Dr. Lyn’s words snapped Vi back to reality. “Working with me, keeping an open communication with Ms. Kiramman, keeping an eye on your symptoms, they are all things that will help ground you and give you a support system should you ever feel you are losing touch with reality. There are people here to help you, Vi.” Vi had no idea how to respond to that. With the lump in her throat, she wasn’t sure she would even be able to if she tried.
Dr. Lyn was gracious enough to wait several minutes as Vi scraped herself together and tried not to lose her last shred of dignity. “She was my baby sister.” The words left Vi’s mouth without permission, shocking her as much as they probably shocked Dr. Lyn. “She was my baby sister, and I left her alone to deal with this. I know I didn’t mean to, but that doesn’t change that I did. She was the one who had to help me,” Vi thought back to that short time she got to spend with Jinx and Isha. Even though it had been one of the worst points in her life, having her sisters around soothed something inside her she hadn’t known existed. Something that would never feel right again.
Dr. Lyn was startlingly silent for several seconds, though to Vi they felt like hours. “That might explain your less-than-stellar coping mechanisms,” the doctor deadpanned. The statement was so unexpected that Vi couldn’t help but bark out a laugh even as tears ran down her face. The sound also managed to pull a smile from Dr. Lyn, even if Vi thought it had come off a bit manic.
“Hey, she tried her best,” Vi defended without any real heat in her voice.
“I’m sure she did,” Dr. Lyn agreed, leaning back in her chair. “Would you like to tell me more about her?” Vi smiled softly, another lump building in her throat.
“Yeah, I think I’d like that.” Vi hadn’t realized just how much she wanted to talk about Jinx. How much she wanted to tell someone about her little sister. How much she wanted to express the pride she had in who her sister was at the end, and share all the good memories they had in their short time together after reconnecting. She’d never known the words could unravel something that had been wound so tightly in her chest for so long.
Dr. Lyn just listened, nodding and humming when prompted, though the smile on her face gave away how she liked hearing Vi talk about Jinx. She just let Vi talk until the end of their session.
The conversation seemed to echo in Vi’s head, and she didn’t bother to push it away. She’d tried so hard to help her baby sister, but she only seemed to make everything worse at every turn. In the end, Jinx was the one who stepped up and was able to actually make things better. Yet somehow, Vi was the one still there, still alive. She was the one who was allowed to heal, not Jinx. Jinx deserved it more.
“You’re going to hurt yourself thinking so hard.” Vi jumped at the sudden intrusion but smiled as she saw it was just Caitlyn. Her girlfriend seemed far more at ease these days, and Vi was grateful for it. “What’s on your mind?”
“Nothing too serious,” Vi replied, only to earn an unimpressed look in return.
“I think we both know that’s not the case, Vi.” Vi blushed. Caitlyn always seemed to know when she was hiding something. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but I’m here to listen if you do.”
Vi signed. Her knee-jerk reaction was still to hide everything, but she was slowly unlearning it. Sort of. “I was thinking about Jinx,” she confessed.
The mention of Vi’s sister no longer made Caitlyn tense, so Vi wasn’t surprised when her girlfriend sauntered over and sat next to her. “What about Jinx?”
“I was just thinking…” Vi trailed off, looking for the right words. “I was just thinking about how she never got a chance to get better. I’ve got you and Dr. Lyn, and the meds are helping, but Jinx never got that,” Vi felt the burning behind her eyes telling her she was on the verge of crying, but she swallowed it back. Now wasn’t the time.
“I wish she’d had the opportunity as well,” Caitlyn said, shocking Vi. She knew her girlfriend didn’t still actively hate Jinx, but she hadn’t expected this. “I know Jinx and I had our disagreements.” That was putting it mildly. “But now that I am more aware of her struggles, I would have liked for her to have gotten treatment. It could have saved us all a lot of heartbreak.”
Vi blinked, unsure of what to say. She had come to terms with the fact that she and Ekko would likely be the only ones to grieve her sister, to wish she had better, but to hear Caitlyn agree, well, it meant more than Vi could express.
Leaning over, Vi rested her head on Caitlyn’s shoulder, fitting perfectly into her girlfriend’s neck. Her heart still hurt, filled with grief for her sisters and what could have been, but Vi resolved from then on that she would be sure to treasure everything Jinx had given her. Good memories. Semi-decent advice. Vi’s own life.
Jinx was gone, and Vi would always miss her, but at least she got to love her before she was gone. That had to mean something. Right?
“Yeah, probably it would have.”