Chapter Text
CHAPTER ONE
Through my body you can see the light.
Sieun stood by his hospital bed, frozen in disbelief. His feet were rooted to the ground, his heart unyielding to accept the sight in front of him. The pain coming from beneath his arm cast was nulled by the tightness in his chest. A fire threatened to pour out of his raw throat as the tears finally spilled. Sieun collapsed then, falling beside Suho’s almost lifeless body.
“Suho-yah,” Sieun managed between ragged breaths as he blindly reached for him. His body trembled as he felt Suho’s limp hand in his own. It felt heavy, far too much of a stark contrast to the Suho he knew, who’s hands would never stop moving.
He interlocked his bruised fingers through Suho’s, praying to whatever presence in the universe was listening to swap their places, to let what little life that remained in Sieun to pass through to him.
A gentle hand stirred Sieun awake, he turned his head focusing on a small figure behind him. A blanket that was not there before slipped off his shoulders, he quickly rose to his feet bowing deeply to the older woman.
“Ahn-halmeonim,” Sieun managed, his voice sore as his eyes focused on her shoes. He felt her gently ease him back into a standing position.
“You must be Yeon Sieun.”
He didn’t trust himself to speak with out the looming threat of tears spilling over.
“The doctors said he will be okay, it will depend on my Suho-ahs’s will to wake up.”
Sieun nodded slowly, fighting the urge to break down before her.
A month went by, Sieun visited every single day. He held his hand and read aloud the texts that he would send him about what had happened that day.
·······
“I transferred to a new school, today was my first day. Suho-ah, I have made a promise to stay out of trouble from now on.”
·······
“I met a new student today, his name is Juntae, he talks a lot. I guess he reminds me a little of you in that regard. Though to be honest that is where the similarities stop.”
·······
“I miss you Suho-ah, please wake up soon.”
·······
The hospital visits became less frequent, guilt clung to him. The reality was that Sieun couldn’t bring himself to face Suho as his body stayed the same with each passing day. It was Suho’s relation to Sieun that put him in danger and almost killed him. He was afraid of confronting the reality that in the end he couldn’t protect him. The guilt of having new friends as well. People who made him smile that weren’t his Suho made him want to crawl into himself. It should be him.
Six months went by, many things had happened in that space of time. Things that Sieun was not proud of, promises he had made to Suho through his texts that he had broken.
“I got into another fight.” Sieun told him, selfishly hoping it would be enough to pull on the string of fate that tied them to each other hard enough to wake him. A beat passed, then another.
Sieun knelt beside the bed. “I’m sorry.” He leaned his head against the side of the bed, close enough that he could at least still hear Suho’s short but steady breathing.
A few weeks later he got the call from the hospital that Suho had gone into critical condition. His cheeks were flushed red, numbed by the cold breeze of the night air as he brought the phone to his ear. Everything around him faded into silence save for his ragged breathing and the woman’s voice. He tripped over his own thoughts, trying to process her words but all he could focus on was “critical condition.” Something snapped inside of him as his thoughts finally calmed, landing on the truth: the simple fact that wherever Suho went, he would follow him without fear. So when he saw the truck, phone still in hand, he was already accepting his fate. He would not bear continuing to live life if Suho was condemned to death because of him.
When his eyes opened he found Baku before him.
“I need to go to him,” he said. Baku pushed him back onto the hospital bed.
There was not a lot that Sieun could process in that moment, not the fact that he was still alive, nor the pain in Baku’s strained voice as he repeated his name forcing him to stop moving.
“He’s okay Sieunnie, your friend, he will be okay.”
Black dots creeped across his vision until he was completely unconscious again, as if his body needed the confirmation that Suho was safe before he would allow himself rest.
When he woke again he was alone in his hospital room. Moonlight threaded through the gaps between the curtains. Pain spread across his body like wild fire as he sat himself up and placed one foot after the other, making his way to him.
Suho maintained the same rhythm, his chest rising and falling, still unresponsive to Sieun calling his name. A shameful feeling rose through him like bile. Anger, he identified. His fists balled at his side. It wasn’t fair that Suho could so easily just leave him here to live life with out him.
“Yah!” Sieun choked, his ribs still hurting from his accident. “Suho-yah!” He grabbed his lifeless friend’s hands, bringing them to his lips and closing his eyes. The anger washed over him. He was stripped down with only the broken pieces of his heart laid bare before Suho.
“I’m sorry I was late, Suho-ah,” he choked out.
After that night there were things that stopped him from seeing him. He was not proud of the person he was becoming. Sieun was afraid he’d infect Suho with the misfortune which seemed to surround him.
So life went on, he kept himself behind the safety of the hospital door where he could observe him from afar and make sure he was still breathing. Once he was satisfied that his Suho wouldn’t slip away into another life where he would be unreachable Sieun would leave, go home and study - sleep was no longer an option for him.
The routine he made for himself over the next year and four months became as steady as the rhythm of Suho’s chest rising and falling. He continued to send him texts, though conveniently left out The Union, the things he’d done.
·············
“Sieunnie we are coming over now, Juntae just got here so we should be about 15 minutes.”
Sieun turned his phone back off, laying it face down before going back to his book.
A buzz.
“Make that 25, Gotak left something at home.”
“Okay we’re on our way now.”
Sieun heard the phone buzz a few more times. He tried to ignore it, leaving Baku and his annoying updates alone as he tried to focus on the same paragraph he’s been reading over and over for twenty minutes.
His phone rang this time. Sieun dragged his nose out of the book with a loud frustrated sigh as he flipped the phone around.
Sungang University Hospital. Sieun picked the phone up immediately, hand shaking against his ear.
“Am I speaking to Yeon Sieun?”
Sieun could barely choke out a “yes” through the speaker, the lady on the phone continued after he confirmed his identity.
“We are calling about Ahn Suho to let you know that he has woke-”
Sieun did not hear the rest of the sentence, his phone thrown onto his bed as he ran out of his room and sprinted out of the door into the daylight.
At a distance he could faintly make out Baku, Gotak, and Juntae making their way over to him. He did not stop for them to explain why he was running at breakneck speed.
———————
There was a faint figure in his mind, a boy he could just make out, with long hair that flopped over his face. He was short, or at least shorter than Suho and had a voice that felt familiar, like a warm comforting fire. The boy seemed to know his name, though Suho could not recall as to why he would know it or why he may be calling out for him.
The boy reached out his hand, Suho took it with out hesitation. There was a pull in his chest that wanted to be near him and he knew with full conviction that he would follow him to the ends of the earth.
“Someone get the doctor!” A panicked voice startled him, hurried feet padded across the floor as the person screaming quickly opened what sounded like a door and left.
Moments later, more voices flooded into the room. Suho’s eyes were bleary in the beginning, barely able to make out the figures in front of him while every nerve screamed in pain as light flooded his sight. He became all too aware of his own body and how much it weighed, feeling like an invisible force was pressing down against him as he tried to lift a finger or even move his head.
A softer voice than before spoke to him then. “ Patient Ahn Suho, can you try to squeeze my hand for me?” The person put their hand in his. Patient?
“Good, well done. Just like that, welcome back, Ahn Suho.”
His vision started to clear, still painful to open his eyes fully, but he could make out the figure in front of him was a woman. She was dressed in a white cloak and there were others with similar attire next to her. “I am Doctor Kim Min-seo, do you have your bearings as to where you are?”
Suho’s eyes dotted around the room, he was in a hospital room though he was unsure what could have lead him here. Suho nodded to the woman who was reading something from behind a tablet, she wrote something else down at his response and then looked back up at him.
“Do you understand why you are here?” Suho shook his head, the woman smiled, “you were in an accident and we are keeping you here to monitor your condition but rest assured you’re in safe hands Patient Ahn.”
Suho nodded slowly. He wanted to say something but exhaustion pulled at him.
“Rest for now, your body is just getting its bearings again. Try to familiarise yourself with wiggling your fingers and stretching your feet. Don’t worry too much about everything else for now, your body needs time to recover.”
Suho went in and out of consciousness over the coming days, weeks? He wasn’t sure. During this time the doctors slowly fed information to him about the accident, that he’d been in a coma due to severe brain trauma.
“You will have to go through rehabilitation to help you learn to walk again.”
What the fuck happened?
A nurse came in on one of the days followed by Doctor Kim, bringing over a plate of food which Suho happily inhaled as Doctor Kim asked him further questions.
“Has that been happening a lot?” She noted, nodding to the tremor in Suho’s hand as he lifted a spoonful of rice to his mouth.
“Y-yes.” Suho cleared his throat, still not used to using his voice.
Doctor Kim nodded, “you will experience this a lot during your recovery, it will fade but do not be alarmed if it doesn’t completely go away.” She paused allowing Suho time to digest the new information before continuing, “it’s just another step in your body recovering and getting used to using your muscles again.”
His grandmother was finally granted access to visit him. He saw Doctor Kim smile with relief as he recognised the woman stood in front of him.
Tears welled up in his eyes, how much time had passed by? Why does his halmeoni look so much older?
“Suho-yah,” She almost screamed as she pulled his body into her own the same way she did when he was little and had hurt himself. “Yah! Don’t ever scare me like that again, I won’t survive it.”
Suho made a small grunt noise and his grandmother immediately loosened up, only ever so slightly.
“I’m sorry honey.” She cried into his neck, letting her hands — more frail than what he remembered — stroke the nape of his neck. “I’m sorry.”
Guilt washed over him then, feeling bad for not letting her hug him tighter. He returned her hug by wrapping his arms around her.
“No halmeoni, I am the one who is sorry, please hug me tighter. I was just caught a bit off guard.” Suho assured her.
She pulled away from him, her eyes scanned over his features and he mirrored her back. New fine lines decorated her skin in places that weren’t there before, her hair was a little thinner and much greyer.
“How long was I gone?” he asked, finally meeting her eyes that, despite the rest of the changes, still shone as brightly as they had before.
Small pools reformed at the corner of her eyes and Suho lifted a shaking arm, still not used to the weight of his body, to wipe them away before more tears fell down her aged cheeks.
“Almost two years,” she said quietly.
Doctor Kim explained to him that due to the brain trauma they were expecting him to have severe amnesia. They said it was a good sign that he was able to recall his grandmother, her name, and other important information like his school, and where he grew up. Still though there was something missing.
Doctor Kim explained, “that being said, you will experience memory loss,” after Suho raised his concerns. “But we are confident that you will regain most of it in small waves.”
Suho filled his lungs with a deep breath, letting the air deflate out of him in hopes of stopping the small tremor threatening to cross his body.
“Try not to let the frustration overwhelm you, we are going to help you every step of the way.” Doctor Kim took hold of his shaking hands, her smile easing a small part of his worries. “How about a walk in the gardens?” She suggested, already getting up and fetching his wheel chair.
His grandmother joined them outside, she pushed him along the path in silence. He didn’t mind, he was enjoying letting the sun warm his skin and feeling fresh air fill his lungs, for the first time in two years, he thought. Suho toyed with his fingers on his lap.
He saw her open her mouth to say something but she was interrupted by a small group running down the path. One of them boisterously yelling at the rest to hurry, his voice booming across the gardens.
Suho turned his head back, watched as four boys who looked around his age approached them, one seemingly running faster than the others. The boy who’d ran faster stopped a few paces before him, chest heaving with what looked like tears running down his cheeks. When he looked into his eyes it was as though the air had been knocked out of his lungs, the feeling was almost familiar, as though he’d seen them before.
“Suho-ah,” the boy said stumbling forward and falling before his chair.
“Sieun-ah,” his grandmother started. The boy Sieun, slowly blinked looking from him to his grandmother, “Sien-ah, I am so sorry, the doctors…”
Sieun looked back up at Suho, his chest ached seeing those sad eyes lined with fresh tears.
“They said there may be some things he doesn’t remember.”
——————————
Was he being punished? Sieun wondered. Had he done something in a past life that he was paying pence for in this one or was fate merely choosing to be cruel to him? As he knelt there helplessly before Suho, he wanted to reject halmeonim’s words but he couldn’t, not when Suho looked at him with curiosity in his eyes, the same way he’d looked at him when they’d first met.
This is a nightmare, he thought to himself.
Suho’s voice cut through Sieun’s thoughts, “I’m sorry, I will try my hardest to remember and get better.”
He was smiling, of course he was smiling at him - always the first to jump in blindly and pull him out of the river of thoughts he was drowning in.
Sieun tried to return his smile. “Try your hardest to be healthy, that’s what is important right now.”
Sieun got back onto his feet, he bowed to Suho and then his grandmother and walked away. He walked straight past Baku, Gotak, and Juntae and kept walking until he was finally at the foot of his door. Safely in the confines of his room, a violent cry ripped out of his chest. Sieun was not sure how long he sat on his bedroom floor or at what point his tears dried up or when he’d fallen asleep. In honesty, he was not sure how many days had gone past. For all he knew, a week could have gone by as he still found himself unmoved in the same spot.