Work Text:
It was much into the afternoon at the Phantomhive estate and Ciel was in his personal study. Having finished the day's tasks and having time for himself he chose his escape between the pages of a book.
After a while of reading he sighed as he closed his book, setting it on top of his desk as he thought to himself.
Reading was a wonderful pass time for him, when he wasn't busy with other business or his studies that was. The book he was currently reading was much like many others he read before, falling into the historical fiction territory. Ciel was much into the book thus far but paused his reading when the main character, Hanker, broached a subject that made something inside Ciel twist oddly.
Self mutilation it was.
Ciel couldn't fathom why anyone would do such a thing. 'Truly, what sane person would go to such lengths, and for what?' He scoffed internally looking at the cover of the book, slouching in his chair slightly as he examined it. And yet it wasn't the first time Hanker experienced it, having talked about much throughout the story as a strange side plot. It was rather detailed too which Ciel didn't care much for it at the start. However he couldn't help but let his mind wander at times because of it. especially at a meal time, where he held a knife in hand, studying it thoughtfully - curiously before cutting into the meat.
Hanker had described the feeling as a twisted euphoria of sorts, a release he called it.
He could use a release, Ciel absentminded thought. Even if the idea felt so nonsensical to him, he couldn't help but entertain it. An answer so simple, for something buried deep within him longed for. Something to replace the touches that seemed to be engrained in his skin, something that will finally be his own doing.
Ciel wasn't as quick to scoff at that idea this time.
For a moment it was as though his body worked automatically. He reached into the cubby on his desk, fingers brushing against the letter opener. They still for only a moment before he grasped around the silver handle.
He looked the paper knife over with consideration, feeling the weight in his hands before he unsheathed it, seeing the blade reflect the afternoon sun from his office window.
It was smoothed and polished, just like every damn thing in this manor, everything except him. No matter the title, the luxury, the clothes he's dressed in, he can't change the filth that marred his body.
Ciel studied the blade thoroughly before his eyes landed on his Royal blue sleeve. That's where Hanker had done it, perhaps that is the best place for ultimate results, Ciel mused thoughtfully.
It was a twisted curiosity above everything else and Ciel knew that he, wasn't stupid- he was curious, he defended.
Still he continued to look at his sleeve in contemplation. 'It will scar.' Some small part of him said but he merely rolled his eyes at it, because What's one more scar? Life had already so cruelly branded him at such a young age, scars and marks across his young body. It seemed everyone else had a go at leaving a mark on him, it was about time he had a go at it.
His fingers cautiously rolled up the sleeve of his jacket and undershirt, revealing his slender and pale appendage. His mind was made up with half conscious thoughts, it was clear when he placed the blade in the middle of his forearm, needing to press a bit harder to make up for the dullness of the paper knife.
It hurt.
obviously it would hurt, Ciel knew it was coming... But he couldn't shake the fact that he was at least a little disappointed. As he watched the blood bead up from the jagged gash all he could do was think.
Where was the release? Where was the moment his body didn't feel so taut? When would he feel... Good?
Not even the blood could give him a sense of perverted satisfaction. The sight and smell alone stirred something unpleasant in him but he remained detached, as always, even concerning his own blood.
Perhaps he didn't do it right, he thought to himself as he moved the blade a few inches closer to his wrist. Perhaps- "I would advise against that young master." A voice spoke from the now open door.
Ciel nearly dropped the letter opener in shock, his head whipping up to see his demon standing in the doorway. "Sebastian!" Ciel gasped out, wide eyed like a child who got caught sneaking treats. The fact of getting caught in that strange moment of vulnerability felt like a cut much deeper than any one Ciel could have mustered upon himself.
It only made his stomach twist looking up to see Sebastian's face. Stoic and unphased as ever, but if Ciel looked close enough he could see the subtle shift of his brows, revealing at most Sebastian's curiosity. He said nothing before he softly tsk'd disapprovingly. "My lord, just what am I going to do with you." He said as he now stood before Ciel. "The knife if you would please." He asked, holding out his hand expectantly.
The shock managed to have snapped Ciel out of whatever came over him. Now he oddly felt like he could think more clearly having another being close, even if it was after all a demon.
Ciel handed the letter opener to Sebastian who assessed it when it was in his grasp, silently raising a brow at the blooded and blunt edge but said nothing. He only quickly wrapped a white handkerchief around the boy's wrist before telling him to add pressure as he fetched proper equipment.
Again Ciel was alone.
The blood that once felt warm on his skin now gave him a shiver as it trailed, almost tickling on its way down where it gathered. What the handkerchief didn't catch spilled onto the wooden flooring. His fingers felt too fragile - too weak to add pressure, and he felt too much shame to speak, even as Sebastian came back with the med box. His tongue felt heavy in his mouth and for once he didn't have anything to say for himself. After all what is there to say after so childishly believing in something written in a work of fiction, mimicking the actions of a clearly unwell man. What did that say about Ciel?
And yet he still so heavily felt disappointed that he didn't feel any better, he only seemed to feel worse.
In silence Ciel watched as Sebastian methodically moved to clean and dress the wound. His expression revealed nothing as per usual, while still holding Ciel's wrist with a scrutinizing and clinical gaze.
Ciel couldn't help but suck a pained breath in once Sebastian applied antiseptic. To which he raised a brow subtly, "How curious, that only now you are adverse to the pain you caused." Sebastian said, not looking up from the torn skin.
"Oh sod off." Ciel retorted weakly, his own gaze landing elsewhere from his wounded arm and butler's scrupulous hands. He tried to swallow every flinch- every twitch of the eye or mouth, for every burn of sterilization.
Sebastian only hummed at that. "Might I suggest using something not as dull next time," surely there won't be a next time if Sebastian could help it. "Youre quite lucky you don't require stitches you know, any deeper or higher and you might not be long for this world." He finally caught Ciel's gaze with his own, an almost smug expression on his otherwise disinterested face.
Ciel could only manage to scoff at his words after studying his face thoroughly. "Ive heard enough of this." Ciel said flatly, a subtle warning to drop the topic.
And yet Sebastian persisted. "I trust my young master hasn't forgotten our arrangements, yes?" He said, wrapping the bandage over Ciel's arm, his lips still softly tugged into a smile. "You do realize you make it exceedingly difficult to protect you when you are one of the things I must protect you from." He softly chastised as he tied the bandage off, continuing on about how hard it will be to hide the scar and its placement. "My, and what a mess you've made." He tutted as he looked down at the blood on the floor and ciels shoe, his own hands tainted with blood as well.
"I said enough." Ciel said more firmly. His face formed a soft scowl as he rolled his sleeves back down, looking away from Sebastian's face, now at the door ahead. "That is all, you're dismissed." He managed, his shame and embarrassment turning to annoyance and frustration.
Sebastian however still lingered. "If I may, sir," he said softly gesturing to the puddle of blood at Ciels feet.
Ciel could only sigh softly glaring now at the bookcase. "Fine, proceed." He allowed, propping his head on his fist as he watched Sebastian clean the blood with ease, as if it had never happened.
"I must admit you never fail to surprise me my lord," he said as he focused on cleaning the blood on Ciel's shoe before the floor. "Gave me a bit of a shock to see you in such a state, never has it crossed my mind that you would... Pardon my rambling." He said as he now stood in front of Ciel who only rolled his eyes lightly, Ciel had a hard time imagining much of anything came as a shock to the demon.
"I don't believe that for one second." He said simply, lazily looking up at Sebastian who only hummed softly in response, sounding lightly amused.
It surprised Ciel when Sebastian firmly, but not unkindly, grabbed his chin and guided his gaze to match the demons intently. those inhuman eyes looking into his one. "Tell me, have these thoughts plagued you long?" Sebastian asked cooly, now not even the playful smile he had on his face. Something inside Ciel twisted uncomfortably but that didn't stop him from glaring up at his butler the best he could muster. Sebastian only sighed softly at his lack of response. "You could have come to me, you know..."
Ciel scoffed, waving away Sebastian's hand from his face as he rolled his eyes. "And what would you have done? I don't expect you, a demon, to understand" he bit out.
"Youre quite right my Lord, I don't understand." Sebastian started, retracting his rejected hand. "I don't understand how one could do something as, to be quite frank, idiotic and as reckless as this... I suppose I expected differently from you." Sebastian said with a disappointed lilt.
Ciel only narrowed his eyes. 'Different not better' he thought to himself, he chewed on his lip softly as he took offense. "I'm not a child, I don't need to be scolded like one, least of all from the likes of you."
Sebastian's face remained unchanged, his eyes still bore into Ciel as though he was on the observation table. "Not a child?" Sebastian echoed, unable to stop the soft laugh that came with it. "Do forgive me but I have a hard time sharing that sentiment when you're so insistent to act like one." The smug expression returned but dissipated as soon as it came, his expression deathly serious once more. "Ill ask again, have you had these thoughts before?" He asked, subtly demanding for answers.
Ciel quietly balled his hand into a fist that rested in his lap, biting back the sneer that wanted to show. But he eventually loosened his grip, "Once or twice... This is the first time I've acted on them." He answered softly and reluctantly.
Sebastian Looked Ciel in the eye for a long moment, studying him and his expression hard before his shoulders dropped ever so slightly and he sighed softly. "Its much like an infestation. It's best to catch these things early on." He explained, his eyes still on Ciel. "Lest the mice of thoughts burrow deep within your body and mind until you're nothing more but a hollow nest..."
Ciel's brows furrowed at his words as he took them into consideration. He found himself lightly nodding in agreement before he truly knew what he was doing.
Sebastian's soft yet disingenuous smile returned after a moment's pause, looking down at his young Lord. "Will that be all, young master?" He asked softly.
"Yes, you're dismissed." He dismissed him again, only this time Sebastian listened, no reason to linger any longer.
"Oh, and I must ask." Sebastian spoke up before leaving the room, "Should these feelings, or strange urges persist, come to me instead of acting on them, will you?" He requested in a soft tone, "I don't like worrying about you." He added with a soft, sincere looking smile before closing the door on his way out.
Leaving Ciel alone once more. He couldn't help but laugh to himself. The idea of Sebastian feeling any sense of concern for Ciel's mental well-being felt far too silly and laughable. "And here I thought I told him to never lie to me.' He thought to himself.
He glanced down at the book on his desk now abandoned. He sighed softly as he stood, slipping the book into the spot he got it from. Perhaps it's best if he gave himself a break from it, not entertaining these thoughts anymore.
And maybe he would try to keep good of his word, that if such feelings arose again then he wouldn't go to such drastic measures. He would seek out help.