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Major Kaidan Alenko was making a horrible mistake by watching the news. This was horrible for two reasons: Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani was reporting, and Shepard was sitting next to him. The first was just an annoyance; the second made Kaidan rigid with nerves.
Though the Major's feelings for the Commander were not a secret to his friends, he still hadn't quite come to terms with everything that had happened on the Citadel. It was hard enough second guessing the Commander in the first place (the heart break of pulling a gun on him) but now trying to repair that damage he could see Shepard pulling away from their friendship (he had hoped it was more). Kaidan just needed some way to convey his trust in the Commander, and hope Shepard would know so much more beyond that.
So there the Commander sat, clenched fists at the lies al-Jilani was spreading. Kaidan thought about grabbing his fist and uncurling his fingers, but that was perhaps more intimate than he was allowed. He considered mocking al-Jilani, but that wasn’t what the Commander needed to hear, either. So Kaidan decided to cut out the middle man. He waved his omni-tool and the television shut off, followed by Shepard’s indignant, “Hey! I was watching that!”
“More like seething at it, Shepard,” Kaidan acknowledged, gesturing to Shepard’s clenched fists. “Besides, it’s the same shit she’s always said against us.”
Shepard nodded, dejectedly. “I was hoping that a war might change her mind.”
“It might have helped if you didn’t punch her. Nice punch, by the way. Sorry I missed it.”
Shepard laughed, but quickly fell quiet. “I’m sorry too.” Kaidan’s smile faded, but Shepard continued, “Sorry I got you into that mess, Kaidan.”
“I’m not sorry. It was great being with you again, and in the end it solved a lot of unresolved issues. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not signing up for another coma, but at least it got us talking again.”
Shepard nodded. “I get that. And, for what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re back.” Shepard smiled and moved to get up. “Well, I better get moving.”
Kaidan followed his movements before reaching out and grabbing his shoulder to stop him from turning away. “Wait, I need to…” He trailed off, though, letting his hand on Shepard’s shoulder drop. Shepard stood still then, before grabbing Kaidan’s chin and looking into Kaidan’s eyes. He brought their lips closer and—
Kaidan steps back. He doesn’t know why he does it and sees the immediate hurt, panic, and confusion on Shepard’s face. The Commander goes rigid and turns around, prepared to flee. Kaidan realizes what he’s done and tries to explain, “Shepard, wait, I’m sorry, it’s—” but Shepard is gone.
“Alright, Kaidan. Spill it,” Traynor demands over the intercom, “That’s the thirteenth message you’ve left at the Commander’s private terminal and the seventh time he’s practically ran past me when I mention your name. So spill.”
Kaidan rubs the back of his neck, slouching into the couch. He sighs and replies, “Okay, I’ll talk. But come down here, I’m not going to shout it to the ceiling.”
Traynor makes a comment that sounds a lot like “juicy gossip” but Kaidan is disinterested. He’s evidently more interested in curling into the fetal position.
Samantha must have ran, or at least have an express setting on the elevator, because it takes her all of thirty seconds to get to the lounge. She immediately plops down next to Kaidan and, without preamble, repeats, “Spill.”
So Kaidan reluctantly recounts the earlier occurrence and narrowly dodges Samantha’s slapping hand. “You bloody idiot! What the hell is wrong with you?”
“I don’t know! That’s the point!” Kaidan weakly defends. “I just… I needed to hear him say… something.” He adds.
Samantha gets a good punch on Kaidan’s arm before replying, “And the Commander is a man of action. Sure he might be good with words, but can you imagine him writing you a love letter? No? Thought so. He saw the opportunity to affirm that he loved you and you stepped away!” She made a disgusted noise and folded her arms over her chest. “I’m the communications specialist. I know how he’s been mooning over you. And you’ve been mooning right back but you just gave him the ultimate refusal.”
“Ultimate?” was all Kaidan had to say. He looked near tears and held his head in his hands. He could feel a migraine coming on but knew he needed to talk about this. He just wished he was talking to Shepard about this, instead.
Samantha must have seen how much Kaidan was torturing himself because she laid a hand on his shoulder and sighed. “How about this: I’ll get him to talk to Garrus for a bit down here, then send you up to his room. Then I’ll tell him Liara is waiting for him in his room.”
Kaidan looked like he was going to refute so she continued, “Now I know what you’re thinking, you don’t want to start your relationship based on lies, yadda yadda. But first of all, your relationship started a long, long time ago. Second, you’re not going to give him a moment to think about you deceiving him because you’re going to kiss every rational thought from his mouth. Agreed?”
Rather than risk him asking another question, Samantha reached over and grabbed Kaidan’s face, nodding for him. Inflecting her voice, she said, “Yes, Almighty Match Maker, your brilliant plan is so wonderful, I have no choice but to agree. Yeah, that’s what I thought you said. Ungrateful little…” She stood and walked out as she mumbled to herself. Kaidan only caught “master tactician” before she was headed in Liara and Garrus’ direction.
Kaidan twitched nervously in the Commander’s bathroom, staring at his reflection. The idea was to surprise the Commander while he was settled at the desk. It wasn’t foolproof, but Kaidan was too afraid Shepard would just run right back out the door the second he saw Kaidan.
Hearing the door close and Shepard call out, “Liara?” Kaidan flushed the toilet. He washed his hands for the longest minute of his life before cracking the door to the bathroom open. Seeing Shepard at his desk, Kaidan released his breath slowly and opened the door the rest of the way. As the sound of the door opening urged Shepard to turn around, Kaidan stepped up and brought their lips together before Shepard could properly achieve fight or flight.
Finally, with it all coming together, Shepard brought his hand to the back of Kaidan’s head and properly returned the kiss. But before it could go much deeper, Kaidan pulled back, slowly, though Shepard’s hand kept their heads together. “Shepard…” Kaidan whispered, “I’m sorry, about before.”
“What happened? What did I do?” Shepard asked. He was clearly trying to keep any animosity from his voice, but some slipped through. Kaidan mused that Shepard spent too much time with the krogan.
Kaidan replied quickly, “I— you’re not going to like my reasoning, Shepard. I wanted some kind of verbal acknowledgement. That I was going crazy, that you love me, even like me, hell, I don’t know. I just— I wasn’t thinking. I know you’re a man of action, but I wanted words and I couldn’t understand why you wouldn’t give me them.” Kaidan realized he sounded like a soap opera.
“Dammit, Kaidan,” Shepard whispered, “how could you not realize I love you?” Shepard brought their lips together again, this time more than hoping he was conveying every feeling he has ever felt for Kaidan.
And this time, Kaidan understood.