Chapter Text
Little Shop of Muppets
Screenplay by Charles B. Griffith
Broadway Musical by Howard Ashman
Adapted for the Muppets by Moss-cant-spell
Playlist with order of songs and versions used.
Scene 1
A shot of the alien gonzo’s spaceship headed for Los Angeles California
Disney DVD guy
On the twenty-first day of the month of September, in an early year of a decade not too long before our very own, the human race suddenly encountered a deadly threat to its very existence. And this terrifying enemy surfaced, as such enemies often do, in the seemingly most innocent and unlikely of places.
The beginning of “Little Shop of Muppets” starts to play as the ship lands and the Aliens descend down the ship onto the ground and opening credits play
Crystal, Ronnette, and Cheffron, singing
Little Shop, Little Shop o' Muppets
Little Shop, Little Shop o' Puppets
Call a cop
Little Shop o' Horrors
No oh oh oh oh no~
Little Shop, Little Shop o' Muppets
Bop sho'bop
Little Shop o' Puppets
Watch 'em drop
Little Shop o' Horrors
No oh oh oh no~
Shing-a-ling shing shing-a-ling thing
Chiffon
What a creepy thing to be happening
Crystal
Look out!
Ronnette
Look out!
Chiffon
Look out!
Crystal, Ronette and Chiffon
Look out!
Shang-a-lang shang lang-shang-a-lang
Chiffon
Feel the Sturm und Drang
In the air
Crystal, Ronette and Chiffon
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Shala la la
Chiffon
Stop right where you are,
Crystal, Ronette and Chiffon
Don't you move a thing
Ronnette
You better
Crystal, Ronette and Chiffon
You better, we're telling you you better
Tell your mama something's gonna get her
She better,
Everybody better bewaaaaaaare~!
Oooooooh, here it comes, baby
Tell the world, baby
Oh oh oh oh no~
Oh, oh, oh, hit the dirt, baby
Red alert, baby
Oh oh no, oh oh oh no~
Alley-oop shoop shoop,
Ronnette
Haul it off the stoop
Child, I'm warning you!
Crystal
Look out!
Ronnette
Look out!
Chiffon
Look out!
Crystal, Ronnette and Chiffon
Look out!
Run away, hey,
Ronnette
Child you're gonna pay if you fail~!
Crystal, Ronette and Chiffon
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Look around-round, look around-round,
Ronnette
look something's coming down, down the street for yooooou!
You betcha,
Crystal, Ronette and Chiffon
You betcha
You bet your butt, you betcha
Best believe it, something's come to get ya
You betcha, you better watch your back and your tail
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Ronnette
Come-a, come-a, come-a
Chrysta, Ronnette and Chiffon
Little Shop, Little Shop o' Muppets
Bop sho'bop
You'll never stop the Puppets
Little Shop, Little Shop o' Horrors
No oh oh oh no, oh oh oh no, oh oh oh noooooooooo~
The song fades as the alien gonzos walk away from the ship into town and the title card appears
Scene 2
The gonzo aliens walk up a bench conveniently placed right outside the window to Mushnic's florist shop
Miss Piggy runs inside.
Cut to inside the shop as Miss Piggy runs up to Kermit at the register
Miss Piggy
Kermy!
Kermit
Oh! Miss Piggy, hello, what brings you to skid row?
Miss Piggy
Well, if I may ask, I need a job.
Kermit
Miss Piggy, I thought you were doing commercials and trying to ride on what was left after damages of our gulp European tour?
Miss Piggy
Sigh That money didn't last long, Kermy. You know I have expensive taste! *Flips hair*
Kermit
I’ll ask Mr Mushnik, but I don't believe a flour shop is your speed.
Miss Piggy
What do you mean?
Kermit
You ran away from your farm to join Fozzie and I on our way to Hollywood.
Miss Piggy
And how different could the farm be from Skid Row?!
The door suddenly opens to Crystal standing there
Crystal
Alarm goes off at seven
And you start uptown
You put in your eight hours for the powers that have always been
Ronnette pops up in the window and the camera starts to shift through the door to the street
Ronnette
Ooh, sing it child!
Crystal
‘Till it's five pm~
Random guy on street (human, voice of Piggy II)
Then you go
Music kicks in and the alien Gonzo's start walking around the street
Crystal, Ronette and Chiffon
Downtown,
Where the folks are broke
You go, Downtown,
Where your life's a joke
You go, Downtown,
When you buy your token
And you go~
Chiffon
Home to skid row~
Crystal and Ronnette
Home to Skid row~
Rando
Yes, you go-
Crystal, Ronette and Chiffon
Downtown,
Random muppet #1
Where the cabs don't stop!
Crystal, Ronette and Chiffon
Downtown,
Muppet #2
Where the food is slop!
Crystal, Ronette and Chiffon
Downtown,
Where the hopless flop,
In the snow~
Down on Skid Row~
Chiffon, with backup dancers
Uptown you cater to a million jerks,
Uptown there's messengers and mailroom clerks,
Eating all your lunches at the hot dog carts
The boss’ take your money and they take your hearts
Ronnette, replacing chiffon
And uptown you cater to a million whores
You disinfect terrazzo on the bedroom floors
Your morning’s tribulation afternoon’s a curse
All Muppets on the street, dispersing
And five o'clock even worse
Muppet #3
That's when you go
Janice
Downtown,
Where the guys are drips!
Muppets
Downtown,
Janice
Where they rip your slips!
Muppets
Downtown,
Janice
Where relationships are a no go~
Janice, Crystal, Ronette and Chiffon
Down on Skid row~
Muppets
Down on Skid row~
Janice, Crystal, Ronette and Chiffon
Down on Skid row~
Muppets
Down on Skid row~
Janice, Crystal, Ronette and Chiffon
Down on Skid row~
Muppets
Down on Skid row,
Down on Skid row~!
Camera flips around to behind Janice, again in front of the flower shop
Kermit, doing a sweeping dance routine
Poor!
Without the troop, I'm very poor
I keep asking Disney what I'm for
And they say “gee I'm not sure,
“Sweep that floor, frog”
Oh!
Started my life as a tadpole,
A child of the swamps
Here on Skid row!
He took me in, gave me shelter, a bed
Crust of bread, and a job
Treats me like dirt, calls me a slob
Which I am~!
So I live,
Camera pans away and up to view all the muppets surrounding the shop very slowly, still having Janice and Kermit in focus
Muppets
Downtown~
Kermit, no longer dancing
That's your home address
You live
Muppets
Downtown~
Kermit
When your life's a mess
You live
Muppets
Downtown~
Kermit
Where depressions just status quo~
Muppets
Down on Skid row~
Back down to eye level turning around Kermit on the bench revolving starting slow and getting quicker
Kermit
Someone show me a way to get out of here
‘Cause I constantly pray to get outta here
Please won't someone say I'll get outta here
Someone gemme my shot or I'll rot here
Kermit Muppets
Show me how and I will, I'll get outta here Downtown,
I'll start climbing up hill and get outta here There's no rules for us Downtown, Cos it's dangerous~
Someone tell me I still could get outta here Downtown, where the rainbow's just A no-show!
Someone tell lady luck I'm stuck here. Where you live...
Music quickens and camera zooms out a bit to show Miss Piggy sitting with him on the bench watching and now understanding the situation
Kermit and Miss Piggy Muppets
Gee, sure would be swell to get outta here Downtown, where the sun don't shine
Bid the gutter farewell and get outta here Downtown, past the bottom line
I’d love heaven and hell to get outta skid Downtown, go ask any wino, he'll know
I'll do I don't know what to get outta skid
But hell of a lot to get outta skid Downtown~
People tell me there not a way outta skid Downtown~
But believe me, I gotta get outta Downtown
Muppets
Skid rooooooowwww~!
Music cuts and camera points to Kermit and miss piggy through the glass with the muppets in the background.
Then points to the door as Mr Mushnik bursts through it
Mr Mushnik
Kermit you slack, get back inside! Sweeping the streets isn't your job.
Kermit
Oh! Mr Mushnik, I’d like you to meet Miss Piggy, she's looking for a job.
Mr Mushnik
Millissa Piggy? Is she from your theater troop?
Kermit
She was one of our stars, she sang and acted. Though you'll want to hear her history on her family farm more than “pigs in space.”
Miss Piggy, reaching out her hand
It's a pleasure to meet you.
Mr Mushnik
Millissa, I do not want another pretentious type in my shop. You are not here to look good, you are here to sell flowers.
Miss piggy
What better person to sell flowers than Moi? Miss Piggy herself, selling flowers, in your shop.
Mr Mushnik
Sigh Kermit, watch the shop, this “Miss Piggy” sells a good bargain.
Scene 3
Kermit heads inside and grabs a plant from the backroom and sets it on the counter by the register.
Soon the bell rings on the door and Fozzy bear walks in.
Fozzy
Gee Kermit, that plant seems to be giving you a lot of trouble. It basically looks dead.
Kermit
You've only known her a few days, you didn't see her when we met. Very beautiful. I think I'm close to cracking what the other florist gave her.
Fozzy
Kermit, don't be the comedian, that's my stick.
Kermit, messing around with the plant
Fozzie, we've always known I've been more naturally funny. Miss Juliet Prowse said it herself in our first episode.
Fozzie, hurt
Wow Kermit.
Kermit
Sigh I'm sorry Fozzie, it's just been hard.
The bell rings again as Miss Piggy and Mr Mushnik walk through the door.
Miss Piggy
I'm hired!
Mr Mushnik
There goes the profits. *Notices plant on counter* If you are planning to sell that thing, sell it to the widower, it will suit her well.
Mr Mushnik heads into the back
Miss Piggy
Oh my God, what is that? It looks deadly.
Fozzy
It's a “Piggy II”!
Miss Piggy
I've never seen anything like it before…
Kermit
No one has.
Miss Piggy
Where'd you get it? Not here I hope.
Music starts playing
Kermit
Well you remember that total eclipse of the sun a couple weeks ago?
The Alien Gonzo's appear in the window using their hands to dance as Kermit takes the plant and walks in front of the window.
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Da-doo!
Kermit
Well I was walking in the wholesale flower district that day.
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Shooo da-doo
Kermit
And I stopped by this place with this old Chinese man,
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Chang da-doo
Kermit
He sometimes sells me weird and exotic cuttings-
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Snip da-doo
Kermit
-Cause you see, strange plants are a new hobby!
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Da da da da da da-doo!
Kermit
He didn't have anything unusual that day.
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Nope,da-doo
Kermit
And I was about to, you know, walk on by,
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Good for you,
Kermit
When all of a sudden, without warning, there was this,
The regular lights go out and there is a spotlight on Kermit with the alien gonzos surrounding him, still outside the window.
Kermit, Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon, inflicting each syllable
Total eclipse of the sun!
The spotlight fades out
Kermit
It got very dark. And I heard this strange sound, like it was coming from another world.
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Da-doo
The light comes back on and the alien gonzos are now right next to Kermit, still sounding him like they did from behind the window.
Kermit, startled
And when the light came back, this weird plant was just sitting there.
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Oops-ee-doo
Kermit
Just stuck in, you know, among the zinnias?
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Pig-ee two
Kermit
I could have sworn it hadn’t been there before. But the old Chinese man sold it to me anyway.
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon, sparkle hands
Sha la la la la la la la la la la la loo~
Kermit, overlapping the gonzos
For a Dollar Ninety-five!
The music cuts out and Kermit turns towards the alien gonzos in surprise.
Crystal! Ronnette! Chiffon! What brings you to skid row?
The girls look at each other, knowingly.
Chiffon, warily
Well, it's been a while and we wanted to see our friends and family!
Crystal, also warily
Yes! Doesn't seem like the best of times to visit sadly.
Ronnette, calmly
All’s fun and games but it was nice seeing your store Kermit! Miss Piggy, good luck at the new job. And Fozzy…
Fozzy
Yes?
Ronnette
You’ll do just fine.
Ronnette gathers the other aliens heading towards the door as Kermit heads back to the counter.
Crystal
And Kermit?
Kermit
Yes Crystal?
Crystal
Good luck with the plant.
The alien gonzos leave though the front door
Miss Piggy
Well that was ominous.
Kermit
They mean well, or at least I hope so.
Mr Mushnik walks out from the back room with an apron similar to his and Kermit’s and hands it to Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy
What’s this?
Mr Mushnik
Your uniform, or are you too “uptown” for these rags?
Miss Piggy
Kermy, do I have to wear this?
Kermit
I’m sorry Miss Piggy, I don’t make the rules.
Mr Mushnik
The store opens at 7:30 am sharp, Kermit will be here to open. If you are having second thoughts, don’t bother coming.
Miss Piggy
Humph!
Miss Piggy flips her head around and starts to head out but stops holding the door open as a woman dressed all in black walks in.
Miss Piggy
I won't miss it! This apron will look fabulous once I arrive!
She heads out.
The woman arrives at the counter and the conversation between her and Kermit is unheard.
Scene 4
The shot fades from day to night and the woman at the counter changes to a business man who promptly leaves once he receives a bouquet of flowers.
Music starts playing as the camera shifts to face directly at the counter.
Kermit, watering Piggy II
Aw Towey. *Beat* Towey, I don't know what else to do for ya. Fozzy Bear and Miss Piggy just met you but I’ve been going through this for weeks. Grow and wilt, spurt and flop. Are you sickly or just stubborn? What is it you want? What is it you need?
I’ve given you sunshine
I’ve given you dirt
You’ve given me nothing,
But heartache and hurt
I’m begging you sweetly,
I’m down on my knees,
Oh, please, grow for me~
Kermit stands up from his leaned position and sets the watering can down while signing
I’ve given you plant food,
And water to sip,
I’ve given you potash,
You’ve given me ZIP!
Oh, God, I've missed you
Oh, pod, how you tease
Now, please, grow for me
He starts walking from behind the counter towards the front door to lock it and change the sign still facing the counter, signing to Piggy II, as he walks.
I’ve given you southern exposer
To get you to thrive
I’ve pinched you back hard
Like I’m supposed to
And you're barely alive
I’ve tried levels of moisture,
From desert to mud!
I’ve given you growlites and mineral supplements,
What do you want from me, blood?
Kermit pricks his finger on a rose plant near the door’s lock. He pulls his hand back and rushes back towards the counter.
Och! Damn roses, damn thorns! Clumsy me. Hey Twoey, look what happened! You opened up! I wonder what made you do that?
He looks down at his hand that's right over the plant. He waves it around watching as the plant follows him for around 30 seconds before he stops.
I think I know what made you do that. Well, I guess a few drops couldn't hurt, as long as you don't make a habit out of it or anything.
I’ve given you sunlight,
I’ve given you rain
Looks like your not happy,
‘Less I open a vain~
I’ll give you a few drops,
If that’ll appease~
Now please~
Oh, please~
Kermit's finger gets too close to Piggy II’s trap and it snaps at him.
Ouch!
Grow for me?
Kermit picks Piggy II up and heads into the back room.
Scene 5
Kemit wakes up in the apartment above Mr Mushnik florist at 6 am and starts getting ready.
Once showered, fed, and dressed, he heads down the stairs into the backroom of the shop.
Once in the shop, Kermit clocks in, checks the register, and unlocks the door at 7:30.
Kermit
Seems like a quiet day today. Sigh
Kermit flips the sign towards “Open” as Miss Piggy is seen rushing over outside right before she slams open the door pushing Kermit between it and the wall.
Miss Piggy
Kermy! Kermy!
Miss Piggy looks around the room as she walks further into the shop, becoming confused. The door slowly closes revealing a flat Kermit.
Kermit, pained
What is it Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy
Look at how I altered your disgusting uniform into something worth the run way!
Kermit falls off the wall and once he gets up and looks at Miss Piggy. The camera pans over her with a pink flirtatious filter overlaid. Miss Piggy’s apron has been fit snug, some fabric has been altered to make ruffles layered with lace around the bottom and sides. Kermit, picking himself up is amazed.
Kermit
Wow Miss Piggy, I didn't know you were so skilled with a needle.
Miss Piggy
Oh please, you forgot I had to make all my outfits back at the farm from the scraps I found in the storage rooms. And do I need to mention I made the costumes when we first started?
Kermit
It all just blends together, I try not thinking about it.
Kermit walks towards the back grabbing a broom and starts to sweep. A few moments pass before Miss Piggy speaks.
Miss Piggy
Um, Kermy? *Beat* What is moi supposed to be doing?
Kermy
You’ll have to wait for Mr Mushnik. *Beat* or you could water the plants, the watering can is in the back room.
Miss Piggy heads to the backroom and comes out screaming and holding Piggy II, now in bloom.
Miss Piggy
Your plant! Kermit, your plant!
Kermit
What, Miss Piggy? What about it?
Miss Piggy
Look! I wont even know what you did to change the plant around so much for it to look so pretty.
The bell on the door rings as Electric Mayhem walks in, bickering.
Janice
Just because I’ll be in 2 places doesn’t mean I won't be able to work.
Dr Teeth
It’s not that I’m worried about. We are a dentist’s office, we can’t sigh we can’t be doing that stuff anymore.
Zoot
Well technically, she can still, she’s just at the desk.
Kermit
Electric Dentistry, what brings you guys into the store today?
Floyd
We need some pretty rocking plants to liven the waiting room up.
The band of dentists and hygienists disperse across the store.
Kermit
Do you have any ideas of plants? We have a small selection, but we can order some that we currently don’t have in stock.
Janice
No, we are just looking around. Thanks though.
A crash is heard and Animal yelps, he is next to Piggy II on the counter yelling at it. Everyone crowds around the plant.
Zoot
That’s a very punk plant
Kermit, taking the plant
It's one of a kind, you wouldn’t be able to have enough to fill the room.
Floyd
I know how to properly create saplings, it wouldn’t be hard.
Kermit, holding the plant tight
It’s not for sale.
Lips puts his hand on Kermit's shoulder in silent solidarity.
The band exits the store, except for Dr Teeth, as Mr Mushnik enters.
Mr Mushnik
They didn't buy anything, why do I even keep the shop open if my incompetent employees wont sell anything?
Miss Piggy
It’s only 8 am, don’t be so negative.
She heads into the backroom for the watering can again.
Mr Murshnik, looking at Kermit
Scoff Nice plant.
Mr Mushnik heads to his office, a room further into the backroom.
The camera zooms into the plant as Kermit sets it back down onto the counter
Scene 6
Timelapse of the plant growing, people come and go from the shop but the more the plant grows, the more people are there and looking at it.
The camera pans up when the plant is 1 ft tall to show The Newsman talking to Mr Mushnik.
The Newsman
This plant is so fascinating, would it be possible to interview the person responsible for it?
Mr Mushnik
That would be my employee, Kermit the frog. I believe you are familiar with him?
The Newman
Yes, I used to be the Muppet News Reporter. I work now with Skid Row News.
Mr Mushnik, visibly happy
Beautiful, I will go grab him.
Mr Mushnik walks into the backroom and leans against the doorframe as Kermit huddles in the corner, obviously having a mental breakdown.
Mr Mushnik
What is so wrong with going on the News? You ran into the backroom as soon as that Newsman walked in.
Kermit
I can’t go back on air
Mr Mushnik
Says who?
Kermit
Last time I went on tour
Mr Mushnik
The European tour? It couldn’t’ve been that bad.
Kermit, mumbling
It wasn't me on tour.
Mr Mushnik
What?
Kermit, shouting from the corner
It wasn't me! I was locked in a prison; forced to put on a show with the inmates. The Kermit that was on tour was a fugitive and I was taking his place in Gulag.
Mr Mushnik, mocking
Are you afraid? People won't look past your time in prison?
Miss Piggy walks into the backroom and sets down the watering can. Mr Mushnik looks between her and Kermit, then stops Miss Piggy from leaving.
Miss Piggy, how would you feel going on air and promoting the shop?
Miss Piggy
Hmm, I’ll have to think- Of course I do!
They both head back to the Newsman and Piggy II
Mr Mushnik
Kermit is busy the day you proposed, but Miss Piggy is available and perfectly capable.
The Newsman
Beautiful, here is my card. The address of the studio is written on it and I have written down the date of the interview.
Mr Mushnik, excited
Ah, thank you.
The newsman leaves, passing the Alien Gonzos as they are looking at flowers displayed by the window. They rush over to Miss Piggy.
Ronnette
You on air?
Chiffon
It’s all falling back into place!
Crystal
How exciting!
Miss Piggy
I can't believe it.
The camera pans over to Kermit in the door frame, jealous, concerned, happy for Miss Piggy?
Scene 7
They are in the Skid Row News station and he jingle plays.
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon, on tape
Do do do do do doo
Do do do do do doo
W S K I D
Shid Row News~!
The Newsman, on air
And thus we conclude our interview with Miss Piggy, the representative of Mushnik Floursist where a young botanical - would he mind if I called him a genius?
Miss Piggy
Gosh no!
The Newsman
-The genius who's developed a new breed of plantlife, hitherto unknown on this planet: the Piggy II. Oh one last question, Miss Piggy, does Kermit feed it anything special?
Miss Piggy
Special? No, Kermy keeps its routine a secret, but I believe it's not hard to come by.
The Newsman
Well thanks for dropping by and-
Miss Piggy
I’d like to remind our watchers that the Piggy II is on display exclusively at Mushnik’s Skid Row Florists.
The Newsman
Well thank you-
Miss Piggy
Open 6 days a week- (mic cut off)
The Newsman
This has been Skid Row News-
Miss Piggy, rushing over to the Newsman’s mic
Open from 7:30 to 6-
The Newsman, pushing her away and shouting
WSKID hour!
The camera zooms out from a tv to show Mr Mushnik, Kermit, and the Alien Gonzos watching a tv in the corner above the counter. You can still hear Miss Piggy punching the Newsman
Mr Mushnik
The Address! The Address! Mention the Address… oh well, it's still great advertising.
Music starts playing
I can’t believe it!
It couldn’t be happening!
Pinch me girls!
It couldn't be happening,
All this sudden success coming out of the blue!
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Do do do do doo
D-do do do do doo
Mr Mushnik, gesturing to the window
I put a sign up,
Right in the front window
An advertisement,
Right in the front window
“Stop in and see the amazing new plant: Piggy II~”
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Do do do do doo
D-do do do do doo
Mr Mushnik
And the really remarkable thing is that,
People, they do!
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Do do do do doo
D-do do do do doo
Mr Mushnik
Kermit, that twirp of a cluts,
Finally did something right!
Piggy II drives ‘em nuts
What a blessing this wonderful plant should exist,
And should rake in the bucks for me hand over fist!
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Ahh ahh ah ah-
Miss Piggy walks into the shop, disheveled, everyone walks towards her.
Miss Piggy, out of breath
How’d I do?
Ronnette
You were great Miss Piggy!
Crystal
You really punched that guy!
Mr Mushnik
You didn’t mention the address of the shop.
Miss Piggy
I made no mistake. *She flips her hair* The Newscaster cut Moi off. Kermy, aren't you excited for moi?
Kermit
If my mother could see you, she’d be so proud!
Crystal, grabbing Kermit
Your plant’s an overnight sensation, Kermit. Who’da believe it?
Music starts back up, the Alien Gonzos dance around Kermit
One day he pushed a broom,
Nothing in his news but gloom and doom
Then he lit a fuse, now give him room
Stand aside and watch that,
Motha blow~!
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Ex-plo-tion!
Crystal
Bang, Kerboom!
Don’t it go to show, Ya never know~?
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Kermit was in a funk,
He was number zero
Who’da thunk, he’d become a hero?
Just a Punk, he was a forgotten so-and-so
Then one day-
Kermit, joining in
Crash, kerplunk!
Kermit, Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Don’t it go to show, ya never know!
Chiffon
Sit down Kermit, Chiffon’s gonna sing for ya!
They push Kermit onto a chair.
All the world used to screw him
Biff-wam-pow, try to interview him
And they clamor to get his remarks on the airrrr~
All the world used to hate him
Now they startin’ to appreciate him
All because of that strange little plant over there~!
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Observe him, here’s a chap
Everything’s falling in his lap!
Kermit, standing up
I cut my hand and in a snap,
Something out of Edgar Allan Poee~!
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Zam, Kazap!
Kermit, Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Don’t it go to show ya never know?!
One day you’re slinging hash
Feeling so rejected
Lightning flash, you get resurrected
Make a splash - now you are the big
Brovissimo~!
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Crash kerplunk, bam kerboom
Zang kazunk, zam kazoom
Zowee-powee holy cow he
Ordered up a rainbow to go!
Kermit, Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Wow! Pow! Look out below!
Don’t it go to show ya never knooooww~!!
Music fades out
Miss Piggy
Why don’t you take me out to celebrate, Kermy?
Kermit
Oh! Miss Piggy I’m flattered. But, I- uh, I can’t.
Miss Piggy
Oh! That’s fine-
Dr Teeth walks into the shop.
Dr Teeth is taking moi.
Dr Teeth
I am what?
Miss Piggy grabs onto Dr Teeth stiffly.
Miss Piggy
You’re taking me out to dinner to celebrate!
Dr Teeth
Ok, I’ll need to pick up my order first.
Mr Mushnik
I’ve got your order right here.
Mr Mushnik hands Dr Teeth 2 bouquets of flowers
Dr Teeth
Thank you, Mushnik. *Beat* Miss Piggy, what time am I picking you up?
Miss Piggy
Pick moi up at 6.
Miss Piggy flips her hair and heads to the backroom to clock in.
Dr Teeth tips his hat and leaves the shop as well.
Chiffon
Why didn’t you agree to take her out?
Kermit
Sigh I don’t know girls-
Mr Mushnik
He has an important job here, keeping that plant alive.
Mr Mushnik taps Kermit on the head with a newspaper, then walks the Alien Gonzos out of the shop.
Kermit
Yep, keeping Piggy II alive. Sigh
Scene 8
Piggy II is now 3 feet tall, people crowd around the plant outside the window and inside the shop.
They talk with each other.
Kermit, Mr Mushnik, and Miss Piggy stand together at the counter
Kermit
We should extend our hours, it’s 5 min to close.
Mr Mushnik
There's only about 15 people in here and only about 10 of them will end up buying something.
Miss Piggy
It looks like a lot more than 15 people.
Mr Mushnik
We need to renovate, completely overhaul.
Kermit
Don’t you have a date today, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy
What about it?
The camera shifts to show that Miss Piggy is in an arm cast.
Kermit
Maybe you want some help getting a coat on?-
Miss Piggy
NON! I am perfectly capable of putting on a coat by myself.
Kermit
I just don’t want you to get hurt further-
Miss Piggy
Oh! Look at the time, it’s 6 pm. Time to close and time to leave for my date…
Mr Mushnik, yelling
Alright, I love that you all appreciate our little shop here, but we are now closed. Please come back tomorrow at 7:30!
Miss Piggy runs to hold the door for people as they leave, one man stays, it's Scooter.
Scooter
Hey Kermit, it’s been a while.
Kermit
Ah, Scooter! How has it been?
Scooter
It’s been different without you guys, living with my uncle. Well not really, he lets me live in his city apartment by myself, without rent.
Kermit, visibly shocked
That’s pretty good.
Scooter
I mean kinda, it's not even the pent house.
Kermit
What can I do for you, Scooter?
Scooter
I have an Idea for a store-
Shot of outside where Miss Piggy is talking to Dr Teeth.
Miss Piggy
Look I’m sorry Dr, but I will only be a few minutes, I just have to help finish closing up the shop.
Dr Teeth
You promised me I have your undying attention after the shop closed.
Miss Piggy
I may have, but it's not finished being closed!
Dr Teeth
You better be back soon, or I’ll-
Dr Teeth raises his hand and Miss Piggy flinches.
Ha ha ha ha *lowering his hand*. Be back soon.
Miss Piggy heads back into the shop.
The Alien Gonzos walk up to Dr Teeth, accusatorily.
Crystal
Do you get off on mistreatment?
Ronnette
Is this really how you want to treat a girl?
Crystal
Why are you even a Dentist?
Dr Teeth
You want to know why? I’ll tell you why
Music starts up
When I was a keytarist,
After Disney cut us,
Janice noticed funny things I did
Like shootin’ puppies with a BB Gun,
I’d poison Guppies, and when I was done,
I’d find a pussy cat and bash in it’s head!
That's when Janice said~
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
What did she say?
Dr Teeth
She said my man I think somedayday
You’ll find a way,
To make your natural tendencies pay
You’ll be a dentist~!
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Be a dentist~!
Dr Teeth
You have a talent for causing things pain!
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Pain.
Dr Teeth
Teeth, be a dentist~!
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Teeth, be a dentist~!
Dr Teeth
People will pay you to be inhumane~
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Inhumane.
Dr Teeth
Your temperament is wrong for the priesthood,
And teaching would suit you still less!
Dr Teeth, Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Man, be a dentist~
You’ll be a success!
Dr Teeth walks away from the girls, and takes out an inhaler that he doesn't need.
Ronnette
Here he is y’all, the leader of the plaque!
Chiffon
Watch him suck up that gas-
The set transforms in a dentist’s office
Oh, my God!
Crystal
He’s a dentist, but he’ll never-ever be any good.
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Who wants their teeth done by the Marquis de Sade?
Dr Teeth pushes them into a dentist chair, and pushes a drill into their face.
Oh, that hurts!
I’m not numb!
Dr Teeth
Ah, shut up, open wide, here I come!
I am your dentist~!
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Goodness, gracious!
Dr Teeth
And I enjoy the career that I picked!
Ah-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
Dr Teeth Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
-am your dentist! Dentist! -fitting braces
And I get off on the pain I inflict! Oooooo
I thrill when I start extracting those molars, You really love it, Go enjoy it!
These girls will be screaming holy rollers Ahhhhhh
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Dentist~!
Dr Teeth
And though it may cause my patients distress…
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Distress!
Dr Teeth
Somewhere in Heaven above me,
I know Jim Henson's proud of me~!
‘Cause I’m a-
Dr Teeth, Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Dentist!
Dr Teeth
And a success!
Say ah~!
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Ah~!
Dr Teeth
Say Ah~!
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
AH~!
Dr Teeth
Say AH~!!
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
AHH!!
Dr Teeth
Now spit!!
The music cuts and they are back in front of the flower shop.
Miss Piggy comes out of the shop, Kermit is watching out of the window.
Miss Piggy
All ready honey bun!
Dr Teeth
What took you so long?
Back in the shop, Scooter is finishing up his business idea
Scooter
So kermit, would you like in?
Kermit, still distracted
Uhh, I’ll think about it.
Scooter
How wonderful
Shot of Mr Mushnik, in distress.
Mr Mushnik
He’ll think about it. He'll think about it!
Shot of Kermit looking out the window as Dr Teeth hits Miss Piggy twice.
Kermit
I don’t like that guy, Mr Mushnik,
Kermit turns as Miss Piggy full body punches Dr Teeth back and is held back by the Alien Gonzos.
You should see the way he talks to Miss Piggy!
Mr Mushnik
Gott in himmel, no. The Kid just said he’d mull it over
The camera pans as Kermit paces between the door to the back and the front door.
Kermit
No wonder she looks so unhealthy, it's enough to make you sick.
Mr Mushnik, following
If he left me, if Kermit left me,
Well, I’d be right back where I started, which was,
Broke and starving!
Kermit
Sweet and good and beautiful as she is, she deserves a prince, not a sadistic creep like him!
Mr Mushnik
Close to bankrupt…
Kermit
What a louse!
Mr Mushnik
Beset, befuddled, and bereft,
That’s what I would be if Kermit left!
Kermit
He’s a disgrace to the dental profession!
Mr Mushnik, grabbing and turning around Kermit
Kermit!
Kermit
Sir?
Mr Mushnik
Kermit~
How would you like to be an owner?!
How would you like to be my business partner?
Shot on Mr Mushnik's shoulder as he whispers to himself.
I didn’t like him much before
But count the cash that's in the drawer
I've got no choice, I’m much too poor
Wider shot, Mr Mushnik no longer whispering to himself.
Say yes!
Kermit
What for?
Mr Mushnik dances around the shop, like he’s in an opera.
Mr Mushnik
Kermit, I want you to run the shop
I want to see you taking responsibilities
I used to think you left a stench
But now I see you’re a mench
So I’m proposing, be an owner!
Mushnik and Frog!
Sounds great,
Three words in the wring of fate
So say you’ll incorporate with me~
A florist dream, come true,
Mushnik and his greenboy, you!
What business will do for FTD~
How ‘bout it, Kermit? Be an owner!
Just say the word, I’ll have my lawyer on the phone.
Kermit
Mushnik, don’t be rash
You always said that I was trash
Mr Mushnik grabs onto Kermit, clenching around his neck.
Mr Mushnik
Oh, I was joking
Kermit, gasping
Sir, I’m choking!
Mr Mushnik let’s go of Kermit, Kermit is out of breath for a while.
Mr Mushnik
‘Scuse the physical expression of my pride
Of the sweet employer mishegoss
I’ve pent up inside~!
Ya ya ya, ya-ya ya ya-ya ya ya ya, YAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Kermit
Gee.
Mr Mushnik
So?
Kermit
Well…
Mr Mushnik
Well?
Kermit
I?
Mr Mushnik
You?
GO ahead and say it Kermit,
Tell me that you will!
Kermit
Gee, I’d really like to…
Mr Mushnik
I’ll hold my breath until~
*Big gasp*
Kermit gets progressively more concerned as Mr Mushnik increasingly exaggerates his need for breath, about 30 seconds.
Kermit, finally
Ok! I’ll partner with you!
Mr Mushnik
Hooray, I win! He’ll share the store!
Kermit
Draw the papers, sir.
I’m touched, I really am.
And someday when you’re eighty-three, I’ll run the shop beautifully.
Mr Mushnik
You swear?
Kermit
I promise!
Mr Munisk
What a frog!
Mr Mushnik and Kermit
Mushnik and Frog!
That’s that
In trouble, sickness and in health.
We’ll share the plant, share the wealth
Mr Mushnik, pulling out a phone
I’ll call my lawyer
Kermit, pulling out a pen
I’ll sign the papers!
It’s the next day at the law firm, they each sign at the dotted line.
Mr Mushnik, signing
Owner!
Kermit, signing
Owner
They leave the law firm and dance in the streets headed towards the shop.
Mr Mushnik and Kermit
Mushnik and Frog, that's that.
Kermit
Officially, I’m all that
Mr Mushnik and Kermit
Consider the matter closed and done~
Now to the world, let’s stick
Our human and frog shtick
Though thin and though think,
Through sloppy and slick
Kermit
So come hug me quick!
Mr Mushnik
Oh don’t make me sick!
Mr Mushnik and Kermit
Mushnikkkk andddd Frooogggg!
They arrive at the shop and head in, the music fades.
Scene 9
In the shop, Miss Piggy is at the counter with the Alien Gonzos.
Miss Piggy
Hello Mr Mushnik, Kermit.
Chiffon
Oh, why so cold?
Miss Piggy
Humph!
Crystal
I think she wants you to do your own interviews now Kermit! Can’t speak for you anymore, the plants too big, you’re a co-owner.
Mr Mushnik
Of course he can do them now! Seeing her on the screen has probably helped.
Kermit
Oh, I don’t know, Miss-
Ronnette
Kermit, you've been on TV for, how long? Scoff Those years out number how long it's been since Goloug.
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Suck it up!
Crystal
You’ll never get over your fear if you don’t put yourself out there!
Kermit heads into the backroom for his apron, before he crosses into the room he looks at Miss Piggy.
Kermit
You’re right, I’ll do the interviews from now on.
He finishes walking into the room.
Scene 10
The shop’s day moves in a blur, people coming and going. The store closes and Miss Piggy and Kermit wipe surfaces and hang up a sign in the door.
Kermit
Do you have a date with Dr Teeth today?
Miss Piggy
Yes, he should be here by now.
Kermit
I don’t think you should go. *Beat* I’ll be in my apartment upstairs if you need me.
Miss Piggy, heading towards the front door
Like I need a prince saving me.
They both exit the shop. Miss Piggy heads into the night, no one on the street. She sits down on the bench against the shop.
The alien gonzos walk up to her.
Chiffon
What’s wrong, Piggy?
They sit down with Miss Piggy as music starts.
Miss Piggy
I know Kermit’s the greatest,
But I’m dating a simi-sadist.
So I’ve got a black eye, and my arm’s in a cast~
Still that Kermy’s a cutie,
Well, if not, He’s got inner beauty
And I dream of a place where we can be together at laaast~.
Crystal
What kind of place is that, honey? An emergency room?
Miss Piggy
Oh no. It's just a day dream of mine. A little development I dream of, just off the Interstate. Not fancy like Levittown. Just a little street in a little suburb, far far from Urban Skid Row. The sweetest, greenest place - where everybody has the same little lawn out front and the same little flagstone patio out back. All the houses are so neat and pretty, 'cause they all look just alike. Ohh, I dream about it all the time. Just moi and the toaster and a sweet little guy… like Kermy.
Little dream bubbles appear and show what Miss Piggy sings.
A matchbox of our own
A french of real chainlink
A grill out on the patio
Disposal in the sink
A washer and dryer,
And an ironing machine
In a track house that we share,
Somewhere that's green~
She slowly gets up off the bench
He rakes and trims the grass
He loves to mow and weed
I cook like Betty Crocker,
And look like Dana Reed~
There’s plastic on the furniture
To keep it neat and clean,
In our Pine-Sol scented air
Somewhere that's green
Miss Piggy starts to gesture and slowly dance
Between our frozen dinner,
And our bedtime, nine-fifteen
We snuggle watching Lucy,
On our big, enormous, 12 inch screen!
She stops dancing and starts to walk back to the bench.
I’m december bride
He’s father, he knows best
Our kids watch Sesame Street,
As the sun sets to the west~
A picture out of better homes and gardens magaziiiiine~
She slowly sits back down on the bench.
Far from Skid Row
I dream we’ll go~
Somewhere that’s greeeeeeeeeeeen~
The music fades as Miss Piggy holds her hands and the Alien Gonzos Comfort her.
Dr Teeth walks up to bring Miss Piggy to their date and the camera pans up to show Kermit watching the whole thing.
Kermit
Oh, Miss Piggy.
Scene 11
The next day, they are closed for renovations.
Kermit peeks out the door to tell interviewers.
Kermit
We’re closed for renovation
We’re spiffy up and grooming.
Mr Mushnik, behind him
‘Cause customers are flocking-
Kermit, still talking to the interviewers
And business has been booming.
We need refrigeration for our new improved display,
So we’re closed for renovation today.
Kermit closes the door and re-adjusts the “closed for renovation” sign.
Mr Mushnik is on the phone.
Mr Mushnik
Yes, indeed this is the shop you heard on channel 5 news! Yes, the Piggy II is on display exclusively here.
Kermit climbs a ladder as Miss Piggy hands him painting supplies as Miss Piggy also starts on the retiling.
Kermit and Miss Piggy
We’re closed for renovation
‘Cause fortune has been smiling
So now we’re due for painting
New re-plumbing and re-tiling
We’ll make a ship-shape showplace for our little shop and then,
Tomorrow we’ll be open again.
Mr Mushnik hangs up the phone.
Mr Msuhnik
Aren’t you finished yet?
Kermit
I’m doing my best, but all these Band-Aids make it kind of hard.
Miss Piggy
You’ve been getting hurt so much lately.
Kermit
I know! Seems like every time I pick up a pruning shears, I slip! Haha, ha.
The camera pans to show that Piggy II is as big as Miss Piggy.
Kermit is done painting and Miss Piggy is done re-tiling so now they grab brooms and sweep around the store, close to Piggy II.
Kermit and Miss Piggy
We’re closed for renovation
We’re swabbing down and brooming
‘Cause business has been booming
Since Piggy II been blooming
They start moving tables back, making Piggy II inaccessible to the public as a center piece.
The phones won’t stop ringing with the customers who say:
Kermit, mockingly
“Another bunch of peonies!”
Miss Piggy
“Another dozen daisies, please!”
Kermit
“Geraniums! Anemones!”
Miss Piggy
“Forget-me-nots and Fleur-de-lis!”
Mr Mushnik
With gratis home deliveries!
They head outside the shop.
Mr Mushnik, Kermit, and Miss Piggy
On paid in fulls or CODs
We’re closed for renovatioooon~
They unveil the new “Mushnik and Frog, Skid Row’s Favorite Flourists” sign.
Todayyyyy~!!
The music fades out.
Kermit
Looks great.
Mr Mushnik
Better than it was before
Miss Piggy
Not as beautiful as moi!
Mr Mushnik
Ok, moment ruined. I’m headed out, water the plants before you guys leave!
Kermit
I can water them by myself, if you want to head home Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy
Thanks Kermy, I need the rest of the day off.
They all head in their separate directions, leaving Kermit back inside the shop. Kermit hums “the magic store” from the original Muppet Movie as he waters the plants.
He puts away the watering can and picks up his coat to leave.
Kermit
Sudden changes surround me~
Lady luck came and found me~
Thanks a million for making the magic you do
Thanks to you sweet petunia,
I’m Mushnik’s business partner
And someday, when I run this whole shop,
I’ll remember I owe it to you~
Ah twoey, who cares if I’ve been a little on the anemic side these past few weeks? So what if, I’ve had a few dizzy spells, a little light headedness, it’s been worth it old pal. Look I’mma head down to the Swedish chefs’ and get something to eat, I’ll see you later.
Piggy II shifts and rumbles a little out of hunger.
Oh boy, here we go again. Towey, I haven't got much left, look just let me heal, a few more days, ok? Then we’ll start on the left side again-
Piggy II
Feed me!
Kermit
*Beat* I beg your pardon?
Piggy II
Feed me!
Kermit
Towey, you talked, you opened up your -trap, your thing, you said-
Piggy II
Feed me, amphibian, feed me now.
Kermit
-I can’t
Piggy II
I’m starving!
Kermit walks over to the plant, and takes off a few of his bandaids.
Kermit
Oh boy, look, maybe I can squeeze a bit out of this one, but-
Piggy II
I need some food! slurp slurp More, more!
Kermit
But there isn’t anymore! What’d you want me to do, slit my wrists?
Piggy II
Hmmm~?
Kermit
Look, how ‘bout I run down to the corner and pick you up some nice chopped sirloin?
Piggy II
Must be blood.
Kermit
Towey, that's disgusting-
Piggy II
Must be fresh.
Kermit
I don’t want to hear this!
Music starts to play.
Piggy II
Feed me!
Kermit
Does it have to be muppet?
Piggy II
Feed me!
Kemit
Does it have to be mine?
Piggy II
Feed me~
Kermit
Where am I supposed to get it?
Piggy II
Feed me, Kermit, feed me all night long
That’s right boy!
You can do it!
Feed me, Kermit, feed me all night long~
YaHAHAHAAaa
‘Cause if you feed me, Kermit,
I can grow up big and strong!
Kermit
You eat blood, Piggy II. Lets face it, how am I supposed to keep on feeding you? Kill people?!
Piggy II
I’ll make it worth your wile~
Kermit
What?-
Piggy II
You think this is all a coincidence baby? The sudden success around here? Your TV interviews?
Kermit
Look, you’re a plant! An inanimate object-
Piggy II, shaking her laves about
Does this look inanimate to you punk?! If I can talk, and I can move, who’s to say I can’t do anything I want?
Kermit
LIke what?
Piggy II
Like deliver pal! Like see you get everything your secret greazy heart desires.
The Alien Gonzos burst into the shop and provide background vocals as well as stellar dance moves.
Would you like a Cadillac car?
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Ooh-oh
Piggy II
Or a guest shot on Jack Parr??
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Ooh-oh
Piggy II
How ‘bout a date with Hedy Lamarr?
You’re gonna get it.
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Wow, wow, wow, wow!
Piggy II
How’d you like to be a big wheel,
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Ooh-oh
Piggy II
Dining out for every meal?
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Ooh-oh
Piggy II
I’m the plant that can make it all real,
You’re gonna get it!
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
You’re gonna get it~
Piggy II
I’m your genie, I’m your friend,
I’m your willing slave!
Take a chance, just feed me!
You know the kinda eats,
The read eyes treats,
The kinda sticky likey sweets
I crrraaave!
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Ahh~
Ahh~
Ahh~
Yeaaaa!
Piggy II
Common, Kermit, don’t be a putz!
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Putz!
Piggy II
Trust me and your life surely rival King Tut's!
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Yea!
Piggy II, Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Show a little ‘nitiative, work up the guts
Piggy II
You’re gonna get it!
A spotlight on Kermit, sweaty and unsure.
Kermit
-I don’t know~
I~ don’t know~wow~
I have so~
So many strong~
Reservations~ions-ion-ion-ions
Should I go~
And perform
Mutilations.
Piggy II
You didn’t have notion’ ‘till you met me
Come on, Frog, what’ll be?
Money, girls?
One particular girl?
How ‘bout that Piggy?
Think it over
There must be someone you can 86,
Real quiet like,
And get me some lunch!
Piggy II
How’d you like a room at the ritz
Wrapped in velvet, covered in glitz
A little nookie, gonna clean up those zits
And you’ll get it!
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Get it, get it, get it, get it
Get it, get it, get it, get it
Ooooo, ooooh, ooh oh!
Get it! Get it!
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Get it, get it, get it
Get it, get it, get it
Get it, get it. Get it!
Kermit
Gee, I’d like a Harley Machine,
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Get it!
Kermit
Toolin’ around like I was James Deen,
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Get it!
Kermit
Making all the guys on the corner turn green!
Piggy II
So go get it~!
Kermit joins the Alien Gonzos dancing.
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Whooaaaa!
Piggy II
So if you want to be profound,
You really gotta justify
Take a breath and look around,
A lotta folks deserve to die!
Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
Whoooaaaa~
Whoooaaaa~
Whoooaaaa~
A lotta folks deserve to die-
Kermit
Wait a minute, wait a minute!
That’s not a very nice thing to say.
Piggy II
But it's true, innit?
Kermit
No! I don’t know anybody who deserves to get chopped up and fed to a hungry plant!
Piggy II
Mmmm, sure you do.
Piggy II grabs Kermit and spins him around and points to an apparition of Dr Teeth and Miss Piggy outside the window.
Dr Teeth
-Stupid women! Christ what a freakin’ scatter brian!
Miss Piggy
I’m sorry, Doctor! I’m sorry, Doctor!
Dr Teeth
Now get the hell in there and pick up your god damn sweater you dizzy cow!
Miss Piggy
Yes, Doctor! Right away, Doctor!
Miss Piggy opens the shop door, and rushes to the back, the door’s bell not making any sound.
Hi, Kermit, I left my sweater here before.
Dr Teeth
Common, move it, you little slut!
Miss Piggy walks out of the shop, again the door not making any sounds.
How’s you like that stupid date, forgets her sweater. Christ if your stupid head weren’t screwed on!
Dr Teeth slaps Miss Piggy making her fall to the ground.
Miss Piggy
Teeth, that hurt!
Dr Teeth
Move it!
Dr Teeth gestures away from the shop and Miss Piggy runs / disappears into that direction.
Dr Teeth stays in front of the shop for a bit breathing in his inhaler.
The music tenses as Piggy II and Kermit look at each other and start dancing in sync.
Piggy II and Kermit
If you wanna rational,
It isn’t very hard to see!
Stop and think it over pal,
The guy sure looks like plant food to me,
The guy sure looks like plant food to me,
The guy sure looks like plant food to me~!
Kermit
He’s so nasty, treating her ruff.
Piggy II
Smacking her around,
Always talking so tough.
Kermit
You need blood and he’s got more than enough!
Piggy II
I need blood and he’s got more than enough!
Piggy II, Kermit, Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon
You ( I ) need blood and he’s got more than enoooooooough~!
Piggy II
So go and get it!
The music cuts and Kermit leaves through the backroom up towards his apartment.
Scene 12
Kermit wakes up, quickly gets ready, heads downstairs and opens the shop.
He waits at the counter for Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy
Good Morning, Kermy.
Miss Piggy’s visible bruises are mysteriously gone.
Kermit
Can you take over the shop for the morning? I have a dentist appointment.
Miss Piggy
You have no teeth, why do you have a dentist appointment?
Kermit
I still have a mouth, gums are important too.
Miss Piggy
I’ll look over the shop, have a good appointment.
Kermit
Thank you, Miss Piggy.
Kermit swiftly leaves the shop with a letter bag.
As he walks down the street, he looks in his bag and the camera reveals he has a revolver.
Kermit walks up to Electric Dentist's , Dr Teeth’s dentist office, the camera angling upward intimidating Kermit.
He slowly walks up the stairs to the office, many of them creaking.
He enters the waiting room, with Janice at the receptionist chair and anxiety inducing “calming” music playing.
Janice
Hey Kermit, I didn’t know you had an appointment today.
Kermit
I don’t. Do you take walk-ins?
Janice
I’ll see if I have any slots open.
She clicks on her computer.
I have an appointment in 1 hour.
Kermit
I’ll take that one.
Janice
I got you checked in, just wait until they call your name. We’ve got some lovely magazines.
Kermit
Thank you, Janice.
Kermit, sits down and picks up a magazine, he flips through and then stops at a page with an interview of him and the renovation from yesterday.
He slaps the magazine back down.
Floyd soon walks through a door behind the receptionist desk.
Floyd
Kermit?
Kemit
Right here.
Floyd
I can take you right back here.
Kermit
Alright.
They walk through another door, accessible to clients.
Floyd
You don’t have teeth though.
Kemit
I still have gums that might need to be looked at.
Floyd
Alright… This is our only chair. Let me just get stuff ready for a cleaning.
Kermit sits down on the chair, shifting his bag so it's accessible easily.
Alright, I’m going to move your chair.
Floyd moves the chair so Kermit is laying down.
Floyd just sits there for a moment.
*whisper* I don’t know what to clean
He grabs the water jet and sprays it across Kermit’s gums. Then takes the suction, suctions it up.
I’m going to tell Dr Teeth you’re here.
He moves the chair back to its upright position and leaves the room.
Kermit slowly takes the gun out of his bag.
Dr teeth walks in
Dr Teeth
I heard you don’t have any teeth, let's fix that shall we?
Kermit
That's right.
Dr Teeth
Alright, let's get some gas.
Kermit
Gas?
Dr teeth
It's for me, don’t worry, you’ll feel every bit of pain I inflict.
Dr Teeth rummages through the closet and grabs a gas can and the mask. He puts it on himself and starts to laugh.
Music starts as Kermit looks at his gun.
Kemit
Now,
Do it now!
While he’s gassing himself
To a palpable stupor,
The timing’s ideal and the moment is super
To ready and fire and blow this sick basterd away!
Dr Teeth
Haa ahaha
Kermit
Now,
Do it now!
Just a flicker of pressure,
Right her on the trigger
And Miss Piggy won't have to put up with that pain for another day!
Dr Teeth
Hehe hahaha
Kermit takes aim.
Kermit
Now, for the girl
Now, for the plant
Now, yes I will~…
Dr Teeth
HA hehaaha!
Kermit
But I can’t!
Kermit lowers the gun.
Dr Teeth
Hahha ha ehaha! Oh boy, Kermit, I am flying now! Hehe, hoh the things we’re gonna do to your mouth. He heha, well I’ve had enough of this stuff. I’ll just take off this mask now and…
Dr Teeth pulls the mask on beat.
Hey, Kermit, guess what?
Kermit
What?
Dr Teeth
It’s stuck!
Kermit
What?
Dr Teeth
Hehaha, the mask, it’s stuck! I-I can’t get it off! *Beat* Jesus Christ, I could asphyxiate in here. Hehe hahaha! Hey Kermit, give me a hand, will ya?
Kermit
Well…
Dr Teeth
Well? Khee-, he says “well?” Ahha, Kermit, I don’t think you understand.
Don’t,
Be~
Fooled if I should giggle,
Like a sappy happy dope,
It’s just the gas.
Hehhahhea
It gets me high~
But don’t get that fact deceive you,
Any moment I could die!
Ha ha ha!
Though I giggle and I chortle,
Bear in mind, I’m not immortal
Why this whole thing strikes me funny,
I don’t know~
Ha-HA! Hahaha
’Cause it’s a really rotten way to go!
Kermit, quickly
What we have here is an ethical dilemma
‘Less I help him get the mask removed,
He doesn’t have a prayer
True, the gun was never fired,
But the way events transpired,
I can finish him with a simple
Laissez faire.
Dr teeth leans on the dentist's chair, pleading with Kermit with his hands.
Kermit
What we have here is a tricky moral problem
Do I help him remove the mask or do I let him go
For lack of air?
Couldn’t shoot him when I tried,
Though the fates are on my side,
I can off the guy by sitting in the chair…
Dr Teeth
Now~
Do it now~
Help me now~
Nooooooow~
Dr Teeth
Don’t~
Be~
Fooled if I should chuckle
Like Hyenas in a zoo
It’s just the gas.
Hehahe
It turns me on~
But don’t let my mirth deceive you,
Any moment I’ll be gone~!
Hehahe
All my vital signs are failing,
‘Cause the oxide I’m inhaling
Make’s it difficult as hell to catch my breath…
Dr Teeth jumps up from leaning over.
Are you dumb?! Or hard of hearing?!
Or relieved~, my end is nearing?!
Are you satisfied?!
I laughed myself to…
Dr Teeth turns away from Kermit and slowly falls to the ground.
*inhale, exhale*
*inhale, exhale*
*inhale, exhale
*cough*
Kermit
Death?
The last beat plays as an overhead shot of Kermit in the chair and Dr Teeth, dead, on the floor.
Scene 13
Kermit runs into the flower shop, slamming the door and leaning against it.
Miss Piggy is at the counter checking someone out.
Miss Piggy
That’s a very violent entrance, Kermy. Is everything alright?
Kermit
Yes, everything’s splendid!
The Alien Gonzos walk out from behind Miss Piggy one by one, looking at Kermit, knowingly.
Oh, look at the time! It’s six already!
Miss Piggy
What? It’s 2 pm-
The light quickly changes to a sunset and the clock moves to 6 o’clock.
Well, it is 6, how time flies.
Kermit
Yes, time to go home Miss Piggy!
Miss Piggy gets ready to leave at a leisurely pace and once she has all her things, Kermit shoves her towards the door.
Miss Piggy
What is happening Kermit?! Out of breath when you arrive, and shoving me out the door! What is going on?
Kermit
Just eager to close up and go home myself!
Miss Piggy shoves Kermit off of her.
Miss Piggy
Humph, I can leave myself!
Miss Piggy exits the shop and Kermit peeks his head out the door and grabs a couple of black bags.
He locks the door, closes the window curtains, turns all but one light off and grabs a set ladder.
Music starts up
Crystal
Shing-a-ling,
What a creepy thing to be
Ha-peningggg~
Piggy II
Feeeed me!
Kermit feeds Piggy II limbs from the bag.
Ronnette and Chiffon
Shang-a-lang,
Feel the stern and the drang in the
AAair~
Piggy II
More, More!
Kermit
*Groans and cries*
Piggy II
Nom, nom, nom, ahh
Kermit
Ahh!
Piggy II
Mmmm, nom
Kermit
*heavy breathing*
Piggy II
More, More!!
Kermit
Oh god *breath*
Piggy II
Nom nom, nom, mm
Kermit
*More crying*
Piggy II
Slurph slurp, nom
Kermit, progressive gets louder
Aa, aaaaa, Aaaah, AAAaaaahH, AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
Piggy II finishes eating and the beat drops
Piggy II
HAhahahahaha hahahehehehe hehehhya, hyahayhayyahay. Hehheehe hehen, haahhaaa haeha. Henhahha haa Ha Ha Haa! *cough* Hen HA HA HA HAAA!! NE HAAA HA HAAA HA HAAaa
The camera goes into Piggy II’s mouth as he laughs
End of Act 1
15 minutes intermission