Chapter Text
…huh?
What are you doing here in my head? Fuck off.
Wait, what do you mean I can’t kick you out?
Ugh. Well then. Stay here— but don’t get too comfortable. If you’re staying here, then you’re suffering along with me.
My name is Scaramouche Rukkhadevata. But I’m guessing you already know me—
Drink straight espresso with no sugar.
Give the middle finger to the barista if she doesn’t give me back that one cent of change.
Won’t call you by your name no matter who you are.
Smoke cigarettes in dark alleyways for the aesthetic.
Deny access to my life to any losers.
Barely passing 90% of my classes and constantly getting disciplinary notes because I swear at teachers.
That’s how I live. That’s how I live, and that’s how I get everyone on campus to both respect me and fear me.
It’s not like some idiot who popped out of nowhere will ruin it all. If I haven’t ruined it all myself yet, nobody fucking will.
Because I am Scaramouche. I’m not a fucking loser. I’m among the most desired guys around here and the most feared non-bully in town. You either wanna fuck me if you’re a girl, or you wanna get me in your gang if you’re a guy. The pinnacle of male human evolution, truly.
December 2nd 2025, 11:47 AM.
«Rukkhadevata, tell me, according to the myth we were just talking about, how did Atum give birth to Shu and Tefnut?»
I roll my eyes. Not this shit again. Bro, we’re the economics course, why do we need to know about pyramids and shit?
«Oh, I don’t know, old hag, maybe because she got banged?»
The class starts laughing uncontrollably. The professor, Madam Faruzan, sighs and shakes her head.
«No, youngster. Atum was a man, and he did not “get banged”. He spontaneously created Shu and Tefnut from his own body, by himself.»
«…so he fucked himself.»
She sighs again.
«Yes. Yes, you could say so. He created them from his own fluids.»
«Tch. What a loser. Can’t even find a bitch to start the era of gods with— had to birth those little dumbasses with his hand and some tissues.»
She slams her hand on the table.
«Do you want to get your second disciplinary note this week, Rukkhadevata? On Tuesday? Or would you rather just listen to the lesson, instead of acting like a child and pretending you’re absolutely superior to everyone else here?»
I stick my tongue out.
«I’d rather die than willingly participate in this loser nerdy bullshit fest.»
She slams her hand on the table again.
«THAT’S IT! TO CHANCELLOR GUNNHILDR’S OFFICE. NOW!»
I roll my eyes, put my stuff back in my bag, turn on my phone and start playing an Odetari song, without even connecting my earbuds, so that everyone can hear. I leave the room raising my middle finger out to everyone and waving it around.
«See ya suckers» I say loudly without actually yelling.
December 2nd 2025, 12:21 PM.
Went as usual. Nothing crazy. A little scolding and the bitch let me go.
Time to go eat something. And get a coffee, I’m already tired.
I start to walk towards the McDonald’s near the student village. Apparently it’s less crowded than usual. Good thing, I hate when places are crowded.
I walk into it and go up to the screen thing to order.
I’ll have a BigMac, medium fries, a cola and an espresso from the McCafe. And if they get me an Americano I will throw hands.
I click “order”, pay up with the card that I stole from my mom (won’t elaborate), and go sit at some isolated table.
I open up my phone again and check Instagram. Someone’s making a poll about the least sexy person on campus— I got disqualified on the second round, lol.
I scroll down. There’s that one astrology girl from my course with her horoscope stuff— why is this on my feed again? Let’s see how cringe it is this time.
“Capricorn - For Capricorns, December will be a month filled with self discovery— both good and inconvenient. So, dear Capricorns, get ready to have really odd experiences with your own thoughts, and perhaps start looking into sex toys that you would have otherwise deemed cringe. Might need to order them later~”
That daughter of a bitch, she fucking did this on purpose. Well, dear Virgos, including you, astrology whore, this December, and actually your whole lives, you won’t stay Virgos, but Virgins. Fuck you.
I scroll down. This time it’s a meme.
A picture of a bunch of hieroglyphs with the writing “How beautiful are thy buttocks!”
“Congratulations, now you know how to write ‘nice ass’ in hieroglyphics”
Who the fuck needs this, genuinely. I don’t think I’m going for a Egyptian anytime soon.
I scroll again. It’s a reel. Some motherfucker giving a tutorial on how to— comb curly hair when it’s long, apparently? Type 3B or some shit? Who the fuck does my feed think I am, genuinely. I don’t believe in fate, I don’t need hieroglyph lessons and my hair is as straight as a goddamn pin. What, is the next reel gonna be about North Africa or some shit?
I scroll.
“Hi adventure team, I’m Bennett and welcome back to Geography Revisions In Minutes. Today we’re talking about the Maghreb region in North Africa—“
WHAT THE FUCK.
HELLO? AM I GOD?? HOW THE GENUINE FUCK DID I—
I close the app and put down my phone. I am way too caffeine-deprived to be dealing with paranormal encounters on my Instagram fyp in a half-empty McDonald’s.
I start looking around at the people here. It’s all people I know, somehow.
There’s a few jocks eating up their double cheeseburgers and making stupid jokes, that one sleep deprived astronomy major that drinks five coffees a day, and also the trio of losers. Something like, a theatre kid, an unlucky dumbass and a furry, I don’t know.
Finally they get me my order. I unwrap the shitty burger and start chewing on it, before eating a fry and trying to take a sip of the coffee.
I nearly spit it out. It’s an Americano. These fucking idiots got me an Americano. Again.
I swear to god, I’m about to throw this garbage to the first loser I see.
Oh thank goodness, the unlucky dumbass is passing by my table. Enjoy the coffee-flavored sink water, sucker.
«OW— WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?!?!»
Sorry not sorry. It had to be done.
I open my cola instead and start chugging on it. It’s the only sweet thing I like— everything else that’s sweet is fucking gross. Cola is not, somehow. The universe is fucking stoned.
I continue eating my food until the only things left are the fries and the cola. I take them in hand, put my phone in my pocket and walk out.
I should go somewhere that can get me an espresso done right— so no way I’m walking all the way to Starbucks.
There’s this little cafe though. It’s practically the saving grace of every student around here— level Starbucks with menu variety, level Frankly with customization options, level niche coffee shop with prices. No wonder everybody goes here daily.
I reluctantly step into it— popular means crowded, and popular in my campus means filled with losers who will never leave me the fuck alone.
Thank goodness it doesn’t seem to be as full as it is in the morning. There’s just a few randos.
I walk up to the counter and order a plain espresso. No sugar, no nothing.
I pay with two dollars, this time the barista gave me the extra cent she owes me. Guess she doesn’t want to get cussed out.
I sit down at a table and sip on the espresso. Ahh. Nice palate cleanser, after that poor excuse of a coffee.
I keep munching on the fries before they go cold— and all of a sudden I see the door opening.
Three short guys enter, talking excitedly.
One is tan, with light blond hair and green eyes, wearing a t-shirt stained with coffee and shorts as if there aren’t 2 degrees out here. Pretty sure he’s the dumbass I threw the Americano at earlier.
Another one has pretty dark skin, white hair and red eyes, muscular, wearing a sweatsuit with a puffy sporty jacket over it.
The third one… oh no.
His skin is brownish, his eyes are green, his hair is long, curly, brown with bleached tips— he has a huge beige coat and a lilac scarf, and looks like he’s freezing—
Oh god not today.
Looks like even today, I gotta deal with him.