Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

October 1994

It’s a reasonably warm night, probably the last they’ll get before spring. Robby has his window open, enjoying the slight breeze, the fresh air welcome after being cooped up in his room all day. His elbow is propped up on his desk, head leaning against his palm. His eyes are starting to feel heavy, his blinks becoming longer and slower. A glance at his clock tells him it's almost nine pm. He’s been studying for hours.

A pounding at his door makes him jump. He lifts his head, narrows his eyes at the door. He starts to get up, then pauses. Waits.

Another pound. Then, “Come on, man! Open up!”

Robby sits back down. He turns his stereo on, already tuned to his favorite station, and cranks the volume. He refocuses on his textbook, determined to ignore the insistent knocks. He manages to get through another page, a few more flashcards, before he hears his lock turning. He twists, frowning, as his door swings open.

“Dude, have you left this room at all?” his RA demands. Tim Hayes is a stocky guy, built for the years he played football. He’s tan, eyes bright blue and hair blonde. He looks every bit of the stereotypical California guy he is. He’s also bright and happy, a smile always on his face, and he’s made it his mission to befriend Robby whether Robby likes it or not.

“You know, that’s abusing your power,” Robby comments, already turning back to his textbook.

“I was worried about your wellbeing,” Tim counters. Liar. “Come on, seriously. Have you been outside at all today?”

Robby thinks about it. “Lunch,” he replies. “I went to the dining hall for lunch.”

“Did you eat there?”

They both know the answer to that. Robby stares down at the words on the page, hoping if he tries hard enough, they’ll just absorb into his brain.

Tim’s hand appears in his eyeline, nudging Robby’s fingers out of the way before he shuts the book. “It’s Halloween.”

“Halloween’s on Monday.”

Tim groans, throwing his head back. “Work with me here, Robby.”

Robby tries to tug his textbook back, but TIm’s grip tightens on it. “I don’t want to go to a party.”

“Have you been to a single party since you’ve been here?” Tim doesn’t wait for an answer, just grabs Robby’s arm and starts tugging him up. “It’s the Saturday before Halloween, there are tons of parties happening right now, and we are going to one.”

“No, Tim-”

“One hour,” Tim interrupts. “Just come out for an hour, then I’ll let you go back to studying.”

Robby eyes him dubiously. “You promise?”

“Cross my heart and hope to die.”

Robby stares at him a while longer, tries to determine if Tim’s lying or not. He doesn’t believe him in the slightest. He sighs. “Fine,” he agrees. “One hour.”

Tim beams. “This is gonna be great! Trust me.”

***

Robby looks at his watch. Only ten more minutes until he gets to leave. As soon as they arrived, Tim disappeared to grab them both drinks, and Robby had found some dingy couch, covered in stains Robby really hopes are alcohol, and parked himself there. Tim delivered him a beer, sat by his side for a while, then got pulled away by some people to play beer pong. Robby hasn’t seen him since.

He doesn’t know anyone else, only vaguely recognizes some faces, and he’s uncomfortable. He’s never been great at small talk, and the thought of just walking up to some stranger makes his skin itch. He twirls the empty beer bottle in his hand and sighs. Maybe Tim’s right, he ponders. Maybe he should try to be more social. It’s October, and he barely knows any of his fellow MS1s. He wasn’t this reclusive in undergrad; he had friends, a girlfriend.

Things change. Things did change. His girlfriend broke up with him, said he was too serious, he moved to a new city, far away from his babushka, and he hasn’t spoken to any of his friends since he left Pittsburgh. He feels lost and alone. Daily, he wonders if this was all a mistake.

The couch shifts, a weight settling next to him. Robby cuts his eyes to the side, ready to deal with some drunken asshole, but instead, he’s surprised to see a young guy squinting at the beer in his hand. He’s young, probably not even 21 yet, and he shows it. He still has some baby fat on his cheeks. His auburn hair is curly and wild, like he’s been running his hands through it. His eyes, when he lifts his head to look at Robby, are hazel.

“This tastes like shit,” the guy says, gesturing to the bottle. “Who buys this crap?”

“Some broke frat guy,” Robby replies. He watches as the guy shrugs and takes a long pull from the beer. “Why are you still drinking it?”

“Free beer is free beer,” the guy tells him. He settles back on the couch, then grimaces when his hand lands in something sticky. He makes a disgusted face, looks around, then wipes his hand on his jeans. He wrinkles his nose. “I’m not drunk enough for this,” he grumbles.

Robby can’t help it. He snorts. It seems he’s found a kindred spirit.

The guy turns to look at him, really look at him. His eyes flicker over Robby, eyes narrowed like he’s trying to figure out if they know each other. “I haven’t seen you before,” he decides.

“Probably not,” Robby agrees. He doubts this guy is a med student. He’s probably a freshman, freshly eighteen and away from home for the first time.

The guy hums, taking another drink from his beer. He leans back again, this time avoiding the sticky spot, and tilts his head. “Are you a grad student?” he asks.

“Med student,” Robby corrects. “What gave me away?”

The guy cracks a smile, his teeth a little crooked. “You have the weary, beaten down look that all grad students have.”

Robby chuckles. He’s not wrong. It’s the same thought that crosses his own mind every time he spares himself a look in the mirror. He says, “I’m only a MS1. I’m sure I’ll look like a zombie by the time I graduate.”

A groan. “Don’t tell me that shit, man,” the guy grumbles. “I’m premed.”

“Oh, never mind, then. Med school is a great and wonderful time. I don’t hate my life at all.”

“Liar.” The guy grins, his face brightening, and adds, “I’m only a sophomore. I can still change my mind. Maybe become a business major. They’re all assholes, but they’ll be rich someday.”

“And sit at a desk for the rest of your life?” Robby shakes his head. “Not for me.”

The guy nods in agreement. “I’d kill myself,” he says, eyes sparkling. He finishes the last of his beer, nose wrinkling at the taste. He leans over to drop the bottle on the coffee table, already loaded down with empty and half-drunk bottles.

Robby isn’t sure what possesses him to open his mouth, but he finds himself saying, “I saw the good stuff in the other room. I don’t think we’re supposed to be drinking it.”

The guy’s smile turns playful. “Lead the way, Mr. Med Student.”

Robby lurches to his feet, nodding for the guy to follow him. He winds through the crowd, glancing over his shoulder to make sure the guy is still following, until he reaches the kitchen. The counters are piled with food and drinks, but Robby bypasses them to open the fridge. He ducks down and shoves everything out of the way. He snags two bottles, spinning to smile triumphantly at the guy.

Hazel eyes light up. “You’re my new best friend,” he breathes, snatching the bottles. He pops both open, head tilting back to drink even while he hands Robby the other bottle back. He sighs happily once he comes up for air. “Hiding this away.” He shakes his head. “Total fucking dicks.”

Robby laughs. “They always try to hide the good stuff,” he tells him. “Let us peasants drink that swill.” He nods to the cheap beers scattered throughout the kitchen. “They usually hide it better than that, but.” He shrugs, taking a sip of his own drink.

“Go to a lot of parties?” the guy asks, eyebrows raised.

“A real party animal,” Robby deadpans.

Another grin. “I can tell.” Another drink. “So what are you doing here then? Can’t imagine that couch is more comfortable than your own.”

Robby leans back against the counter. “My RA thinks I need more friends.”

“Do you?”

He shrugs. “I guess. I moved here for med school, and I haven’t really made an effort. Hell, this is the longest conversation I’ve had in a month that isn’t about medicine.”

“You’re driven,” the guy says. “Nothing wrong with that.”

Robby blinks at him in surprise. He’s worked his ass off to get to where he is, and he’s still working his ass off, but sometimes he wonders if he’s working too hard. Other med students have lives, as little as they may be. “I guess,” he finally says. He downs the rest of his beer in one go before straightening. “What about you? You here with friends?”

“Some friends,” the guy scoffs. “They drag me to this party and ditch me almost immediately. I’ve been trying to find them all night.”

Robby glances around, at the crowd of people ebbing and flowing around the house. The chances of this guy’s friends still hanging around are slim. There are dozens of parties, on and off campus, happening; this guy’s friends probably party-hopped already. “I can help you look,” he offers anyway.

The guy shakes his head. “They’re probably smart enough to find their way home,” he says with a shrug. He finishes off his beer and tosses it in the nearly overflowing trash bag. “I’m actually kinda hungry, and this gourmet feast isn’t doing it for me.”

Robby grins. “Chips and dip not a big enough meal for you?”

“Fuck no. I need a burger,” he proclaims. “There’s a diner not far from here.”

Robby’s pretty sure this is an invite. He debates turning him down. He should go home and maybe study for another hour or two before passing out in his bed. But, well…he really does need to get out more, needs people to talk to before he loses his fucking mind. But this guy? Some sophomore who looks like he’s still eighteen?

A guy who’s been fun to talk to. A guy who managed to get Robby to somewhat enjoy a frat party.

“What’s your name?” Robby asks, suddenly aware they’re skipped an important step.

“Jack. Jack Abbot.” He sticks out his hand.

Robby shakes his hand. “Michael Robinavitch. Robby.”

Jack grins. “Nice to meet you, Robby. Now, about that burger…”

***

The diner is a dive. A hole-in-the-wall type of place with vinyl booths and menus with peeling lamination. It’s not busy; two young women are sitting in the corner in Halloween costumes, and there’s a man sitting at the counter nursing a cup of coffee. The waitress looks bored as she doodles on her notepad.

“Sit anywhere,” she calls without looking up.

Jack leads Robby to a booth toward the back, grinning as the vinyl squeaks underneath him. Robby shakes his head, but the corners of his mouth are twitching.

Jack hadn’t meant to befriend this man. He really had been looking for his friends, but after twenty minutes of going in circles with no sight of them, he’d collapsed on the couch, completely oblivious to the person already sitting there. Then, he’d actually looked at the man next to him, and, well, Jack had been a little tipsy. Robby’s face was kind, if a little unhappy, and Jack knows how to cheer people up. He’s great at it.

Robby’s a little older than him, probably by a few years if he’s a first year med student. His brown hair is floppy, long enough to touch the tips of his ears, and his brown eyes are big and sad. Jack was intrigued by those big, sad eyes.

He still is.

The waitress approaches after they’ve settled, sliding two menus on the table. “You want some coffee?”

“Yes, please,” Robby replies, nice and polite.

“Me, too,” Jack says.

She nods and walks off, grabbing two mugs from the counter.

“Have you been here before?” Robby asks as he picks up a menu.

“Not sober,” Jack replies, glancing at the menu. It’s true; usually he’s stumbling here in the middle of the night. He and his friends haven’t been banned yet, so he can only hope they’re not total assholes to the staff.

“So I shouldn’t trust your opinion then?” Robby teases.

Jack sniffs, pretends to be offended. “I’ll have you know, I have excellent taste, drunk or sober.” On impulse, he snatches the menu out of Robby’s hands. “I’ll order for you,” he decides.

Robby tilts his head. “You think you know me that well?”

“It’s diner food. You’re getting a burger or a cheeseburger.”

Robby chuckles, corners of his mouth curling up, eyes lighting up. He opens his mouth to say something, but the waitress returns with their coffees. Jack orders them both a cheeseburger and fries before turning his attention back to the guy across from him.

“You said you moved here for med school,” he says. “Where’re you from?”

“Pittsburgh.”

Jack whistles. “Pretty far from home.”

Robby shrugs. “Well, when Northwestern offers you a scholarship…”

“A scholarship?” Jack whistles, impressed. “You some kind of genius?”

Robby snorts and ducks his head, smiling sheepishly. “Far from it. I’m just good at playing the pity card.”

And Jack wants to ask what that means, but Robby’s starting to look sad again, smiling dropping, so he changes the subject. Jack takes a sip of his coffee and says, “Must be cool to move to a new place. No one knows who you are. You can be anyone you want.”

“I guess, but sometimes I miss having people who know me.”

Jack wishes he could relate. His family lives in the city, and he sees his high school friends all the time, around campus and around his old neighborhood. He wishes he’d gone somewhere else, but his sisters are here. He isn’t ready to leave them yet, and unfortunately, that means he has to deal with the horror that is being recognized everywhere he goes. “Well, I’m here now,” he declares. “I’ll show you everything Chicago has to offer.”

Robby raises an eyebrow. “I’ve already had deep dish. What else is there to experience?”

Jack gives him a horrified look. “That hurts me, man. Right here.” He feigns stabbing himself in the heart. He can’t help but grin, though, when Robby chuckles. “Man, there is so much to see here. And not just the touristy shit; real, fun things. Do you like hockey?”

“Watching men beat the shit out of each other? Hell yeah I do.”

“Great. My uncle has season tickets. We’ll go to a game. Wait.” He narrows his eyes, leans back. “Who’s your team?”

“I’m from Pittsburgh. Of course it’s the fucking Penguins.”

Jack makes a disgusted noise. “Ugh. You’re going to be a smug dick about that, aren’t you?”

Robby rolls his eyes and replies, “It could be worse. My mom’s a Bruins fan.”

Jack wrinkles his nose. “You’re right. That is worse. Don’t worry,” Jack says, leaning over to pat his hand condescendingly. “We’ll fix you. You’ll see the errors of your way.” He finds himself looking forward to it.

January 1995

“Robby!”

Robby doesn’t seem to hear him, head ducked as he reads from whatever book he’s holding. He looks adorably cozy in dark blue scrubs, cuffs a little too long. His brow is furrowed, focused on his book, and he seems to be mouthing the words as he reads. He almost walks into a couple of women; one shoots him a nasty look as they sidestep him.

Jack grins, quickening his pace to catch up with the hazard. He calls out Robby’s name again to no avail. He watches as Robby almost walks into a trash can, some kind guy yanking him out of the way just in time. Robby doesn’t even look up, waving a hand in thanks as he continues on his way. Jack sighs and speeds up, almost jogging now.

He reaches Robby just as Robby almost walks into a couple. He throws an arm around Robby’s shoulders and yanks him out of the way, shrugging at the glare the guy sends their way. Robby startles, brown eyes big and wide as his head snaps up. He relaxes when he sees it’s just Jack.

“Oh, hey.” His attention drifts back to his back.

Jack peeks over his shoulder. It’s a textbook. He rolls his eyes and yanks the book out of Robby’s hands.

“No, hey, wait!” Robby reaches for the book.

Jack twists his arm behind his back and turns, body blocking Robby. “Man, the semester started yesterday. You’re already studying?”

“I never stopped,” Robby grumbles. He huffs and puts his hands on his hips. “I have longer arms than you.”

“Evolution was kind to you,” Jack replies. “What do you mean? You studied over Christmas break? Your family that bad?” Jack can relate if that’s the case. He spent more time at his sister’s place than his parents’.

“I don’t celebrate Christmas.” Robby tries to reach behind Jack, but Jack, anticipating the move, sidesteps him.

Then the words register. He stops, tilts his head. “Seriously?”

Robby stops too. He looks wary now. “Yeah.” He straightens, shoulders back, trying to make himself as big as possible. “I’m Jewish. So what?”

“You never mentioned it.” It doesn’t matter. Jack doesn’t care, but they’re becoming friends. He thought it would’ve come up. Jack’s talked about his own lapsed Catholicism. He even wished Robby a merry Christmas before they left in December. Robby could have brought it up.

“You never asked.” Robby uses the distraction to snatch the book back, but he doesn’t open it. He’s still looking at Jack like he’s worried about what’s about to happen next.

It makes Jack wonder how people have reacted in the past. “I told you to have a merry Christmas,” he says.

“It was very polite of you.”

Well, he’s not wrong. Jack just hates the way Robby’s looking at him right now. “I don’t care,” he assures him. “I just thought we were becoming friends. Friends talk about this stuff.”

“Sometimes,” is all Robby says. “Look, it’s not a secret. Just…when I went to undergrad, some people weren’t cool with it. I wasn’t sure how’d you react.”

Jack frowns at him. “Did I do or say something to make you think that I’d have a problem with it? Because I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry if I said something stupid.”

“You always say something stupid.” A quick grin before Robby sobers. He shrugs. “You grew up Catholic. They’re usually the worst.”

“Lapsed Catholic,” Jack reminds him. “I’m well aware of how fucked up the church is.”

Robby stares him down for a long moment. Then, his face softens. His shoulders relax. The corner of his mouth twitches up in a lopsided smile. “Why’re you bothering me anyway?” he asks, teasing, as he starts walking again.

Jack hurries to catch up to his stupid fucking long legs. “Well, I was going to offer you a hockey game this Friday, but now I don’t think I will. I’ll go and enjoy the game by myself.”

Robby snorts, a real smile gracing his face. “Oh yeah? Do you have someone else in mind?”

It was no secret that since they’d met, they’d started spending most of their time together outside of classes. Robby, while becoming a bit more social, still had yet to really befriend any of his other MS1s. Jack had slowly drifted from his previous friend group, not wanting to spend all of his free time black out drunk and high like they did. He has goals, and studying with Robby in the library is a much better way to spend his time.

“Maybe my sister wants to go,” Jack snarks. As if. His older sister’s already married with a baby. His younger sister has just turned 15 and would rather die than be seen with her loser brother.

“You have fun with that,” Robby jokes. “Tell me how it goes.” He speeds up, well aware of his long stride, the bastard.

Jack groans and follows him, knocking his shoulder into Robby’s when he catches up. “Fine, you caught me.” He ignores Robby’s smug look. “So. Friday? Unless you want to go to one of the welcome back parties I’m sure are happening across campus.”

The disgusted look on Robby’s face makes Jack laugh.

“Puck drop’s at seven,” Jack tells him. “I’ll swing by your dorm at six. Wear something red. Pretend you’re not a fucking traitor.”

Robby laughs, cheeks and nose red from the cold, brown eyes bright, and Jack has a weird feeling in his chest.

***

Robby paces around his room, tugging at the hem of his borrowed Blackhawks hoodie. He feels dirty wearing it. He feels like his father’s ghost is going to jump out at him any second. He feels like he should call his babushka and apologize. He tugs at the sleeves.

A knock on the door echoes throughout his quiet room. Robby takes a deep breath and grabs his wallet and keys. He swings the door open, already making a face. Jack’s eyes, brown in the dim hallway light, take him in before a stupid grin appears.

“Not a word,” Robby warns, stepping in the hallway.

“This is the best day ever,” Jack declares, ignoring him completely. He reaches out to shove Robby’s shoulder back, forcing him to straighten. “This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“You need to get out more,” Robby grumbles as he locks his door. “Can we go? Or do you want to gloat some more?”

Jack pretends to think about it. “Definitely gloat. Can I take a picture? I’m sure someone in this hall has a camera.” He takes a step like he’s about to go knock on Robby’s neighbor’s door, but Robby snags his arm and drags him down the hall.

“Seriously, where’d you get that?” Jack asks as they walk.

“Maybe you’ve converted me.”

Jack snorts, loud and sharp. He grins, crooked teeth and dimples on display. “Fat chance.”

“I borrowed it from a friend,” Robby tells him. “I think it’s giving me a rash.”

Jack laughs and says, “Just don’t say you’re a Pens fan out loud. I won’t help if someone tries to kick your ass.”

Robby gives him a look. “You would.”

Jack shrugs. “Yeah, but let’s not test that.” He claps Robby on the back. “C’mon, man. The best hockey team in the world awaits us.”

***

To Robby’s dismay, the Blackhawks win. He can’t bring himself to cheer along with the rest of the arena, even as Jack jumps to feet and celebrates with the people around them. Better than the Leafs, he supposes. At least the Blackhawks are in a different conference. He smiles up at Jack as he high fives the guys in front of them, shaking his head. He leans down to collect their empty beer cups (which Robby only bought because Robby’s a sucker for puppy-dog eyes) and food wrappers.

“Man, you’re ruining the mood,” Jack says, slapping his shoulder with the back of his hand.

Robby glances up at him, the corner of his mouth turned up. “I’m happy,” he insists.

“Your face says differently,” Jack replies. He leans down, puts his hands on both of Robby’s shoulders and gives him a shake. “You’re in Chicago, you’re wearing the right colors, and this wasn’t even your team. Can you at least give me a fake smile?”

Robby straightens and plasters the fakest, biggest smile he can muster. “Go Hawks,” he deadpans.

Jack beams back. “You’re being an asshole, but I’ll take it.” He swipes the trash from Robby’s hands and nods his head. “Come on. There’s a pizza with your name on it since you didn’t actively boo anyone.”

“I bit my tongue,” Robby admits.

Getting out of the arena is slow, the crowd buzzing as they shuffle their way out. Robby gets bumped into Jack several times; he stops apologizing after the second time. When they reach outside, the chilly air smacking Robby in the face. He tucks his hands in the hoodie pouch as he follows Jack down the street.

“There’s a decent place not far from here,” Jack tells him as they weave their way through the thinning crowd. He glances over his shoulder to check if Robby’s following. “My ex-girlfriend lived around here,” he explains. “We used to go to this place all the time.”

Robby’s eyebrows go up. “Oh? What’s her name?”

Jack glares over his shoulder. “Why?”

“So I can know who I’m competing with.” Robby nudges his shoulder. “I’m just curious, man.”

A groan. A very dramatic groan, in Robby’s opinion. “Her name’s Rachel, we dated all throughout high school, and last year I found out she cheated on me with some football player at her college. There. Happy?”

Robby winces. “Sorry,” he mumbles, ducking his head. Thankfully, he’s never been cheated on, but he knows some friends that have been. It sucks.

Jack’s silent for a moment before he sighs. He glances at Robby, then shrugs. “It’s whatever. We weren’t a forever thing.”

“You sound sure about that.” Not that Robby can relate. He’s never dated anyone seriously. His ex was right; he’s way too serious, but, well, when you come from nothing and have to work hard for everything, he doesn’t mind being called too serious. He can relax and have fun when he has MD after his name.

Another shrug. “She told me she wasn’t going to be some Army wife, so it was a dead end.” A bark of laughter. “She sure could’ve handled it better.”

But Robby’s already lost interest in Jack’s ex-girlfriend because what? “What do you mean?”

“What?”

“What did she mean? ‘Some Army wife?’”

“Oh.” Jack looks down at his feet, shoulders hunching in on himself. He’s embarrassed, probably for the first time since Robby’s known him. “Well, you know I’m pretty broke, right?”

One of the first things they found they had in common. They’d commiserated over how much money neither of them had growing up. How much money neither of them has currently.

“I didn’t really have a choice,” Jack continues. “I can’t afford college, and my parents didn’t have any intentions of sending me. And I sure as fuck wasn’t getting stuck in this hellhole.”

Robby wants to make a joke, lighten the mood, about Jack’s past proclamations about Chicago being the best city in the world, but he senses Jack might not appreciate it right this second. Instead, he just hums, letting Jack know he’s listening.

“They pay for school,” Jack says defensively. “I want to be a doctor, and this is the only way I can do it.” He abruptly stops and turns to face Robby. “I get to be a doctor now. It’s…it’s worth it.”

“You enlisted,” Robby guesses. And it’s not like he doesn’t get it. He’s always been smart, always had a 4.0 gpa with a stellar extracurricular record. He got a scholarship to UPitt and Northwestern. He didn’t have to worry about paying for school. But he knows people that didn’t have that luxury. Unfortunately, the military promises those kids things they can’t get elsewhere.

Jack nods. “Technically,” he tells Robby. “I went to boot camp last year, and now the good ole U.S. Army pays for my degree.”

“Oh.” Robby nods slowly, taking it all in. He doesn’t know why he’s so surprised. He knew Jack wasn’t on a scholarship, despite how smart he is; he never bothered to ask how Jack was paying for school. He assumed loans. “And then what?”

“Well, if I graduate and get into med school, they’ll pay for that, too. I’ll be a doctor in the Army for…ten years? Give or take.”

“And if you don’t?”

“Doubting me, Robinavitch?”

Robby shakes his head furiously. “No, that’s not what I meant. I just mean–”

Jack waves him off. “No, I know what you mean. If I fail out, or don’t get in, I still have to serve. I’ll still be an officer, but they’ll stick me somewhere else.” He shrugs. “At least I don’t have to worry about bills for the next decade, eh?” With that, he clearly wants the conversation to be over because he continues walking, head down and not looking at Robby.

After a long moment, Robby convinces his feet to move. He catches up to Jack in a few steps, falling into step with him. They walk in silence for a couple blocks before Robby can’t help himself. “It sucks you didn’t have any other choice,” he says carefully. “But I get it.”

“Do you?” Jack sounds skeptical.

“You want something better out of your life.” He knows Jack’s dad is an alcoholic, his mom too strict and religious to be considered loving, and Jack’s childhood was difficult, to say the least. Jack doesn’t want to end up the same way. “You’re going to be a great doctor,” he says instead.

Jack gives him a small smile. “Really?”

“Not as good as me, but second best for sure.”

Jack laughs, the tension draining from his body, and presses his arm against Robby’s, a warm presence in the cold night.

April 1995

Robby rests his head against the wall, closing his eyes. He doesn’t get homesick that often anymore, his studies keeping him more than busy, but hearing his babushka’s voice always sends a wave of sadness through him. He doesn’t regret moving to Chicago for school anymore, but he can’t help but think about all he’s missing while he’s here. How far away he is from everything familiar.

“Yes, I promise,” he says into the phone. He’s in the common room, tucked into the corner, and he desperately wishes he could afford a mobile phone. He doesn’t want to cry in front of his entire floor.

His babushka makes a disbelieving noise. “You promised me you would for Yom Kippur,” she says, “and you didn’t.”

Robby squeezes his eyes shut. “I was busy,” he tells her, and it’s not a lie. He’d just moved to Chicago and was going through orientation. He hadn’t even realized he’d missed it until his babushka called. Probably for the best, he reasons. He isn’t sure how he would’ve dealt with observing alone.

She huffs. “You’re not too busy, now,” she says, and it’s not a question. She says it like a fact, like she’ll fly all the way here just to make sure he celebrates Passover.

“I have a test coming up.” Not a lie. He always has a test coming up. The joy of being a med student. “I’m not sure I’ll have time.” Besides, he doesn’t even have a temple to go to. If he’s going to spend the holiday alone, surrounded by strangers, he might as well spend it in the library.

“Michael Ethan Robinavitch-”

“Okay, okay,” he relents because he might be a young adult, but hearing his babushka say his full name never fails to send a shiver down his spine. “I’ll try to celebrate.”

“Good. I’ll call you on Saturday. I love you, Michael.”

“I love you, too.”

***

Robby spends Friday in class, like usual. After he’s done for the day, he stands on the street corner, debating if he should follow through on his promise to his babushka. The closest grocery store probably has enough to put together a decent seder, but he just…doesn’t. He doesn’t want to celebrate alone. He wants to study and forget he’s so far from home, all alone.

Decision made, he picks up some food from the dining hall and locks himself in his room. He’ll just lie to his babushka tomorrow. It’s not like he hasn’t before. He eats his snacks, opens his textbook, and prepares to not move for the next several hours.

It’s just past sundown when there’s a knock on his door. Robby ignores it at first, but when it comes again and again, he sighs and gets to his feet. If it’s Tim begging him to go out, Robby’s prepared to tell him to fuck off. He doesn’t feel like being around drunken idiots tonight.

It’s not Tim. It’s Jack, flushed and panting like he’s just finished running. It’s Jack holding a book and two rather heavy looking plastic bags. He nods in greeting as he tries to catch his breath.

Robby frowns at him. “Did you run here?”

Jack nods. “Fuck, man, I just ran like thirty blocks.” He takes a deep breath. “My class ran late. Sorry I missed it.”

“Missed what?”

“Passover. It starts at sundown, right? Or, um.” He tilts the book toward him. Robby spies a piece of paper sticking out the top, something scrawled on it. Jack squints at the paper and tries, “Pesach.” He says it confidently but so terribly wrong.

Robby’s heart clenches. “Pesach,” he corrects gently. “But you can call it Passover.”

Jack beams at him. “Okay.” He holds out the bags. “I wasn’t sure what you had, so I bought everything just in case. I mean, I think it’s everything.”

Taking the bags, kind of numb, Robby just stares at him. “I didn’t get anything,” he says.

Now, it’s Jack’s turn to frown. For the first time, he seems unsure, like he’s afraid he’s overstepped. “Oh,” he says. “Um. Did I…do you not celebrate? Or do you have plans? I don’t wanna intrude.” He looks down at his feet, shuffling awkwardly.

Robby shakes his head. “No, I…I was just going to study.”

Jack nods, clears his throat. “Right. Sorry to bother you. I’ll, uh, leave you to it.”

“No, it’s okay.” Robby waits until Jack looks up to flash him a smile. “I’d like to celebrate with you.” And it’s not a lie, he realizes. He does want to celebrate with Jack. It hits him, all of a sudden, how much he doesn’t want to be alone today.

Jack gives him a tentative smile. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Um, give me a second.” He quickly slips on his shoes and grabs his keys. He shuts and locks his dorm door before leading Jack down the hall to the communal kitchen. It’s empty, despite the hour; everyone else is probably out partying or locked in their rooms having their own grad school induced breakdowns. Robby gently places the grocery bags on the table and unpacks them. In one bag, there’s brisket, kugel, latkes, and a mix of vegetables. In the other, he finds everything he needs for the seder plate: parsley, three matzot, roasted shank, horseradish, roasted eggs, charoset, and a bottle of wine.

He raises an eyebrow at that because he knows Jack’s 21st birthday isn’t until December.

Jack rolls his eyes. “We both know I have a fake ID. Don’t look surprised.”

Robby chuckles and shakes his head. “Where’d you get all this?”

“There’s a Jewish grocery about twenty minutes from here.” And then, he gives Robby a fake stern look. “You better appreciate this, Robinavitch. I had to practically get on my knees and beg the owner to let me buy all this. He was trying to go home to his family.”

Robby softens. He really appreciates this. He really appreciates Jack. “Thank you,” he says honestly.

Jack’s face relaxes into an easy smile. “Yeah, man.”

A few moments pass, Jack shifting his weight nervously, Robby alternating between looking at Jack and the food before him, unsure how to feel. Finally, he clears his throat and asks, “Can you grab some cups?”

He leads Jack through each step, explaining what he’s doing and why, and Jack listens intently. He follows Robby’s lead, does everything Robby tells him to, and he seems to actually be interested. Like he actually cares about getting things right and not like he’s doing this just to appease Robby.

Robby doesn’t think anyone outside of his community has ever done something like this for him. It fills his heart with appreciation. He thinks, not for the first time, that he’s really glad he met Jack.

He fills two plates with food and passes one to Jack before they settle down at the wobbly table.

Jack watches as Robby takes the first bite. “Good?” he asks.

Robby nods enthusiastically. “Really good.” He should get the name of the grocery from Jack. It’s not as good as his babushka’s, but it’s close.

Jack nods, almost to himself. “Good,” he echoes. He shoves a bite of brisket in his mouth.

They eat in silence for a few minutes, Robby occasionally glancing up at Jack, who occasionally looks up at him and smiles. It’s nice. Passover is supposed to be celebrated with friends and family. Robby’s glad he didn’t end up spending it alone.

“How’d you know about all this?” he asks, nodding toward the seder plate.

Jack’s eyes flick over at it, then he shrugs. “I read a book.”

Robby raises an eyebrow. “A book,” he repeats.

Jack nods, and he stretches toward the other end of the table. He snags the book he’d brought, the one he’d put down once they started going through the steps. He slides it over toward Robby.

Passover Haggadah

Robby’s brow furrows. “Where’d you get this?”

“The library.” Jack shovels more food in his mouth, leg bouncing nervously.

Robby opens the book, runs his fingers over the familiar text. “Why?” he asks.

Jack’s quiet for a moment, as if he’s thinking about what he wants to say. Finally, he puts his fork down and replies, “I realized I don’t know much about Judaism, and I wanted to learn more. I picked up a book from the library about it. I’ve been learning.” He clears his throat. “I read that Passover is a pretty big deal, so I figured out when it was this year.”

“Why?” Robby asks again.

“You’re important to me,” Jack says simply. Like it’s that easy.

Robby blinks at him, surprised. “That’s it?”

“Yeah.” Jack shrugs. “I wasn’t sure if you’d go to…temple, right?” At Robby’s confirming nod, he continues, “I wasn’t sure if you’d go to temple, so I thought we could celebrate together. It’s not the same as your family, but Passover’s for friends, too, right?”

“Yeah,” Robby says slowly.

Jack tilts his head. “Were you really just going to study?”

Robby nods, shame prickling at him.

“Why?” And it’s not accusing. It’s just curious.

“I’m not really religious,” Robby explains, ducking his head. He uses his fork to poke at the remaining food on his plate. Then, because he doesn’t want to lie to Jack, not after all of this, he corrects himself. “I miss my grandmother. I didn’t want to celebrate without her.”

“Oh.”

Robby sees him second guessing himself, like he’s still unsure he made the right choice, so Robby quickly assures him, “This is great, Jack. I really appreciate this.”

When he lays down that night, Robby starts crying. He can’t help it. He cries because of his homesickness, his loneliness, his stress, everything. He cries because he misses his babushka, but he also cries because he doesn’t know if he’s ever had a friend like Jack before. Everything he’s been feeling, everything he’s been shoving down for months, comes bubbling to the surface. And for the first time in a long time, he just lets it go. Let himself feel everything he’s been ignoring.

It’s a while before he calms down, his face red and hot, his breaths hitching. But he feels better. He feels the tension leaking out of him. He feels like he can breathe again.

February 1996

Jack narrows his eyes and stares.

And stares.

And stares some more.

Robby hums happily as he eats his pizza, unbothered by what’s happening around them. He’s relaxed, the stress of the week melting away, and he looks comfortable in his sweater and jeans. His hair is growing out again, long enough to tuck behind his ears.

Jack leans forward and lowers his voice. “Do you see those guys?”

Robby blinks at him like he forgot Jack was there, then glances around the restaurant. He swallows the pizza in his mouth before he says, “The ones by the counter?”

“Yeah. Don’t they seem sketchy?”

“Oh, god, don’t start with that.” Robby nudges the pizza closer to Jack. “Eat. Stop trying to play detective.”

Jack is offended. “I’m not playing anything,” he argues as he slides another slice onto his plate. “I’m a concerned citizen.”

“No, you’re bored and want to cause trouble.”

Jack glares. “How dare you.” He knows he’s right. This restaurant is a front, he knows it. He just can’t prove it beyond the owner and some of the customers being shady.

“This is the best pizza I’ve ever had,” Robby says. “I don’t want you getting us banned. If it comes down to it, I’ll pretend I don’t know you.”

“Some friend you are.”

Robby chuckles. “Man, just eat. We’re gonna be late if you don’t hurry up.”

Jack huffs. “You’re just lashing out because I’m right.” Whatever. He doesn’t need Robby’s support. It just means he gets to gloat when he finds out he’s right. Though, Robby isn’t wrong. Sammy’s is the best pizza in this part of town. If it gets shut down because the owner is a criminal, Jack will probably cry. And Robby will probably blame him somehow.

He polishes off his slice and wipes his greasy fingers on his napkin. “Alright, Robinavitch. Let’s get this party started.”

It’s a Saturday night, people filing past them on the sidewalk to go to various places. The bar across the street is already packed, drunk college kids stumbling their way in and out. Jack and Robby head past it all, sidestepping a guy who throws up on the curb.

“Sure you don’t want to partake?” Jack teases.

Robby’s wrinkled nose is all the answer he needs.

When they reach the theatre, there’s already a line of people at the ticket counter. Robby shoots him a told-you-so look that Jack pointedly ignores as they get in line. It moves quickly, thankfully, and it’s not too long before they reach the front.

“Two for Happy Gilmore,” Jack says and pays before Robby can reach for his wallet.

Robby huffs as they head inside. “I’m buying the popcorn.”

Jack nods, though he doesn’t plan on letting that happen. Robby doesn’t have the money to spare while Jack, receiving a monthly stipend from the Army, does. He’s still in the dorms, living rent free with his meals paid for by his dining plan. Jack doesn’t mind spending the spare cash on Robby.

“Go find us seats,” Jack tells him, handing over a ticket.

Robby tries to push it away. “Jack, I swear to god, if you don’t let me pay-”

“If we have to sit in the front row, I’ll bitch about it the entire time,” Jack counters.

That makes Robby pause. He thinks it over, bites his bottom lip, and then finally caves with a sigh. “Fine,” he grumbles. He snatches the ticket. “I’m paying you back,” he threatens.

Jack waves him off. If Jack actually enforced that, Robby probably owed him hundreds of dollars by now. It doesn’t matter. Jack doesn’t want his money. He just wants to see Robby happy.

He buys them popcorn and two sodas. When he enters the right theatre, he finds Robby toward the back. It’s packed as he expected, and Jack has to slide past a couple of high schoolers who look like they’re on a date.

“I hate you,” Robby grumbles once Jack sits down. He snags the popcorn bucket and one of the drinks.

“No, you don’t.” Jack settles back in his seat and knocks his foot against Robby’s. “Shut up and enjoy the movie, man.”

Robby grumbles but does as he’s told.

Partway through the movie, Jack feels something bump against his leg. Not Robby; it came from his other side. Glancing to his right, he sees the couple fully wrapped up in each other. Her leg over her date’s lap, foot knocking into Jack’s thigh as they fondle each other.

Jack shifts closer to Robby, whose eyes flicker toward him at the shift. Jack nods his head at the couple and smiles as Robby rolls his eyes. Jack presses as close as he can to the armrest, leg knocking into Robby’s, shoulders pressed together. He could ask the couple to stop, maybe move somewhere else, but well. Jack doesn’t mind where he’s at. He doesn’t mind being pressed so close to Robby.

His eyes cut up to Robby’s face. He’s smiling slightly at the movie, chuckling at the jokes. The movie screen makes his brown eyes light up, making them seem brighter. He’s relaxed and at ease in a way he rarely is. His laugh, bright and happy, sends a jolt through Jack.

Oh.

Oh no.

Jack’s eyes go wide. What the fuck. No, really, what the actual fuck?

He sits up, pulls away from Robby. He ignores the frown Robby shoots his way, pretends to focus on the movie.

He’s not into guys. He’s never been into guys. Though, now that he’s thinking about it, he never really had the chance. He grew up in a household that’s not accepting of anything, and he met his ex-girlfriend when he was thirteen. He never looked at anyone else. And since starting college, he’s been on a few dates, but he hasn’t had a real relationship. He’s been too wrapped up in classes and Robby.

Maybe that should’ve been his first clue.

He glances at Robby again, tries to picture touching his face. Tries to picture kissing him. It…doesn’t feel off. Actually, the thought of it makes him shiver. Because he can see it. Their noses bumping, their lips brushing. It probably won’t feel that different from kissing a girl. Lips are lips. Robby doesn’t have a beard, doesn’t even have stubble.

His hands would feel different, though. Rougher, bigger. Jack would have to crane up to kiss him.

He likes that thought more than he cares to admit.

***

Jack lays in his bed, mind racing. He had been quiet on the walk home. So quiet that Robby commented on it. Jack doesn’t remember what lie he told. He only remembers mumbling something about being tired before fleeing. What was he supposed to say? I think I have a crush on you seems like an insane thing to admit. I think I want to kiss you is worse. It’ll ruin their friendship. Robby will never speak to him again. He’ll lose the best friend he’s ever had.

He can’t lose Robby.

He won’t lose him.

Besides, he thinks he still likes women. Why ruin his life if he doesn’t have to? This is just a passing crush. It’s just because they spend so much time together. Jack will get out more, find himself a girlfriend. This will pass, he’s sure of it. He’s just confused right now. That’s all.

He’ll probably wake up tomorrow and laugh about this.

***

Jack’s being weird.

Robby’s not sure what happened, but there’s a couple weeks where he barely sees Jack. Every time they bump into each other, Jack glances at him and then basically runs the other way. It’s…hurtful. Robby doesn’t know what’s wrong.

He doesn’t know what he did wrong.

When Jack bails on their plans again, makes some excuse over the phone about needing to study, Robby feels dejected. He feels like he fucked something up, and he doesn’t know how to fix it. How can he, when Jack won’t even talk to him?

He tries to let it be, tells himself Jack will come talk when he’s ready, but he finds himself unable to focus. He almost fails a test because he’s thinking about what he might have said or done instead of the material. After that, when he gets his barely passing grade back, he decides enough is enough. If Jack’s pissed at him, he deserves to know why. And it’s shitty of Jack to shut him out like this.

It takes another week before Robby manages to pin him down. He feels like a stalker, searching all Jack’s usual haunts, but what else is he supposed to do? Jack won’t pick up the phone, won’t come to the door when Robby knocks. He has no choice but to track him down across campus.

Jack’s head is down as he hurries along. He’s most likely going to his dorm based on the path he’s taking.

Robby jogs to catch up to him, not calling out his name so he doesn’t spook him. Instead, he pulls up next to him and matches his pace. He sticks his hands in his pockets and tries to calm down his racing heart.

Jack must know he’s there. There’s no way he doesn’t, but he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t even look at Robby.

Robby’s breath catches. “I’m sorry,” he says, unable to hold it in. He doesn’t know what he did, but he wants to fix it. He can’t handle Jack ignoring him anymore.

Jack stops in his tracks, whirling to face Robby. His eyes, green in the sunlight, are wide but tired. He looks like he hasn’t slept a lot recently. He looks just as sad as Robby feels. “Why the fuck are you apologizing?”

Robby frowns. “Because obviously I did something.”

“Why the fuck do you think that?”

A beat, then Robby asks, “What the fuck is happening right now?”

“You didn’t do anything,” Jack tells him.

Well, that explains nothing. It confuses Robby even more. “Then why are you ignoring me?”

“I’m not ignoring you.”

Robby gives him an incredulous look. “Jack, I haven’t seen you in three weeks. You’ve bailed on our plans five times.”

“I’ve been busy.” Jack averts his eyes, head ducking to his chest.

Robby follows. “You’re being weird.”

“That’s just how I am.”

Well, at least Jack’s making jokes. Better than whatever the fuck that was before.

“Jack, come on.” Robby goes to grab his arm, but his fingers barely graze Jack’s sleeve before he’s jerking his arm away. “Man, seriously, what the fuck is your problem?”

Jack’s shoulders hunch in on himself. He doesn’t look at Robby. He just crosses his arms, looking small. “It’s not you,” Jack says. “I just…got shit going on with my family.”

While that’s entirely possible, Robby can’t help but feel like that’s not the truth. He just doesn’t get why Jack would lie about it. “Your family,” he repeats.

Jack nods, eyes still down. “Yeah.”

“If I said something-”

“It’s not you,” Jack interrupts. He finally lifts his head, bores his eyes into Robby’s. “You did nothing wrong.” His expression is serious. He’s not lying about this. “I mean it. Whatever bullshit you’re telling yourself, stop. This is my bullshit, okay? It has nothing to do with you.” He sounds determined, like he needs Robby to understand.

“Okay,” Robby says quietly. He’s still not sure what the problem is, but if Jack promises it’s not his fault, Robby has no choice but to believe him.

Jack nods. “Okay.” They keep walking, both silent with their thoughts, until they reach Jack’s building. There, they stop, Jack turning his head to look at Robby. “You want to grab dinner?”

“Sammy’s?”

“I’ll swing by your place at seven.” And with that, everything is okay again. Jack smiles at him, like nothing’s happened. All is right in the world again. Robby can breathe again.

October 1996-January 1997

Kelly Cooper is a gorgeous, intelligent MS4 who Robby meets during their pediatrics rotation. She’s funny and quick-witted, always teasing him, but she always takes the time to help him with anything he doesn’t know. Her brown eyes are always bright, and she’s always smiling, even as she claims she hates working with kids. They make a good team.

Robby is hopelessly in love with her after a week.

He finds himself making excuses to be around her, trails after her like a lost puppy, and after their day ends, he invents reasons to keep spending time with her. Would she mind driving him back to campus? Can she help him study? Does she have time to show him how to do a certain procedure?

He thinks she likes him, too, because she always says yes. She gives him a smile, bats her eyelashes, and touches him. She’s always touching him. His arm, his shoulder, his cheek once when she claims to be brushing an eyelash off. He finds himself looking forward to every day, even if he has to deal with crying kids.

The last day of their rotation, as they’re leaving, Kelly huffs and whirls on him, her curly hair bouncing in its ponytail. She puts her hands on her hips and glares up at him, fierce despite her five-foot-two height.

“Are you going to ask me out or not?” she demands.

Robby blinks down at her, surprised at the directness. “Do you want me to?”

“You’re an idiot,” she huffs, rolling her eyes. She takes a step closer to him, wraps her hand around the back of his neck. She tugs his head down as she raises on her toes. A kiss. Firm and sweet, tasting like her strawberry lip gloss. Robby feels like he’s floating.

When she pulls away, she’s smirking. “Does that answer your question?”

He nods. He probably has a stupid look on his face, but he doesn’t care. All he wants is for her to kiss him again.

She rolls her eyes again and snaps her fingers in his face. “Michael. Ask me out.”

He smiles. “Kelly, will you go to dinner with me?”

“I thought you’d never ask!” She grabs his hand and her pen and carefully inks her phone number onto his forearm. She smiles up at him once she’s done. “Call me.” She rocks forward, up on her toes, and presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth.

***

Robby calls her that night. That weekend, they go on their first date. Kelly is absolutely beautiful, and Robby spends the entire night staring stupidly at her. It’s fun, despite how awkward he is, and Robby decides “playing it cool” is overrated. He calls her the next day and asks her out again.

They continue like that for a while. Robby becomes more and more enamoured with her. Maybe even in love. She’s perfect. She’s everything he’s ever wanted.

They start studying together after their clinicals, and Robby spends more and more time at her off-campus apartment. She starts to consume his life, and he doesn’t want it any other way.

Unfortunately, he doesn’t realize how wrapped up he is in this new relationship until almost two months in. He’s in his room, packing a bag for a weekend at her place, when he hears his name being called. When he glances up, he sees Jack standing there.

“Oh, hey, man.” Robby goes back to shoving clothes in a duffle.

“What’re you doing?” Jack asks, stepping into the room.

“Going over to Kelly’s.”

A weird look crosses Jack’s face. He crosses his arms. “Tonight?”

Robby gives him a curious look. “Yeah.”

“You’ve, uh, been spending a lot of time with her.”

“Well, she is my girlfriend.” Robby zips his duffel and straightens. He glances at Jack, brow furrowed, before he turns his focus to his desk.

“Girlfriend,” Jack echoes, then he scoffs.

Robby tosses him a look over his shoulder. “What’s the big deal?”

Jack’s jaw clenches, eyes flashing with what Robby thinks is anger. But that doesn’t make sense because why would Jack be angry about Robby getting a girlfriend? It’s not like Jack’s a monk; he goes on dates. Besides, it’s not like Robby’s rubbing it in his face or anything.

Oh. Maybe that’s the reason. “Sorry I haven’t been around,” Robby says as he finishes stuffing his books and notebooks in his backpack. He flashes Jack a smile. “Maybe we can do something next weekend.”

Jack stares at him in disbelief. “Next weekend,” he says slowly.

“Yeah, man. We’ll go to a movie or something.” He brightens. “Hey, why doesn’t Kelly come? It’s about time you guys met.” Now that he’s thinking about it, he’s excited about this idea. His two favorite people should meet. He wants them to get along.

Jack wrinkles his nose. “I can’t believe you’re one of those guys.”

“What kind of guy?”

“A guy who gets a girlfriend and forgets he has a life outside of her. Is her pussy that good?”

Robby jerks upright, shock and anger coursing through him. He’s never heard Jack talk like this. “Watch it,” he warns. He’s never seen Jack angry before, but that doesn’t give him an excuse to disrespect Kelly.

Jack shakes his head, jaw clenched. “Fuck off, man.”

“Jack-”

But Jack’s in a rare mood, apparently. “We were supposed to hang out tonight, but you forgot. Again.”

“I’m sorry, but-”

“Forget it. Go get your dick sucked by your girlfriend.”

Robby’s never been violent. He’s never been aggressive. He played football for half a season when he was a kid before his dedushka let him quit because he was too scared to tackle someone. He’s never hit anyone, never even thought about hitting anyone. So it’s just as much of a surprise to him as it is to Jack when he finds himself across the room, fist slamming into Jack’s cheek.

Jack’s holding his cheek, eyes wide in shock.

Robby can’t believe he just did that either. It’s his first instinct to apologize, but he bites it down. He’s not going to apologize after Jack was an asshole. He breathes heavily through his nose, jaw clenched, hand cradled to his chest. His knuckles are throbbing, and he thinks he broke skin on a couple. He can see the bruise already forming on Jack’s cheek.

They glare at each other, both breathing heavily, both so angry.

“Fuck you, Robinavitch,” Jack snarls. With that, he storms out, slamming the door shut behind him.

Robby stands there for a while, just staring at the space where Jack was. He’s not sure what just happened, what led to that, but he knows one thing for sure: he’s not apologizing. Fuck Jack and his fucking attitude problem.

***

Kelly’s been shooting him worried looks all night. She’s probably right to. He’s been quiet all night, barely saying two words during dinner and spacing out during the movie. When they reach her apartment, she starts to ask him what’s wrong, but Robby doesn’t want to deal with it. He wants to not think about it all for a while. So, he kisses her instead. He kisses her deep and purposefully.

She lets him walk her through the apartment to her bedroom. She lets him lay her down on her bed and strip them both. He eats her out, lets her ride his face until she comes on his tongue and his fingers, and then he gets her off again because he just wants to feel something other than sadness for a while.

He comes twice and her once more before she pushes him off. She softens it with a kiss to his cheek, squeezes his hand, and then gets up to clean up. Later, after they’ve taken a shower and changed her sheets, they lay in bed together. Kelly’s wrapped around him, arm over his waist and head on his shoulder.

Robby stares up at her ceiling. It was a good distraction, but now it’s coming back to him. He sighs. He wishes he didn’t care. He wishes he was still mad instead of the hurt he feels now. He wishes Jack wasn’t so fucking stubborn.

Kelly sighs, too, kissing his shoulder. “What’s on your mind, honey?” she asks.

Robby stays quiet for a long moment. He told Kelly about the argument, omitting what Jack said, and she knows they haven’t spoken since. Even though he hasn’t said it out loud, he’s pretty sure she knows how upset he still is about it. “I saw Jack today,” he finally says.

Robby used to think it sucked they never saw each other during the day, their classes always on opposite sides of campus. They always had to seek each other out if they wanted to talk during a class day, but now Robby’s grateful. He hasn’t seen Jack since early December, when they had the fight. It’s January now, a full month since they’ve seen each other. A month since they’ve spoken.

Robby misses him.

Kelly kisses his shoulder again, runs a hand over his stomach soothingly. “How’d it go?”

Robby shrugs. It didn’t go. They bumped into each other outside the library, Jack leaving while Robby was entering. They’d stood there, awkwardly staring at each other, each waiting for the other to break the silence. Neither did. In the end, Jack just shook his head and walked away. Robby had stared after him, part of him wanting to call out to him. He hadn’t. He’d just gone inside and stared at the same page for an hour.

“We didn’t talk,” Robby tells her.

Kelly shifts up to her elbow, peering down at him. “He sounds kind of like an asshole.”

Robby frowns up at her. “He’s not an asshole.” He kind of is, but not the way she means.

“Honey, you told me he said some shitty things and refuses to apologize. It sounds like he’s an asshole.”

Robby pulls himself up, leaning back against the headboard. “He’s just mad.”

“About what? That you can’t spend all your free time with him anymore?”

“I mean, I did forget about him a little.” He’d remembered, the day after their fight, they’d had plans to go to a hockey game. Robby had completely forgotten. Jack had every right to be mad. Robby can admit he was probably a bad friend there for a while, but Jack hadn’t handled it right. They should’ve talked about it, instead of Jack obviously lashing out.

Kelly huffs. “Then he’s being childish.”

Robby frowns at her. “You don’t even know him.”

“Why are you defending him?” she asks.

“Because he’s my best friend. Yes, he was being a dick, but that doesn’t mean he is a dick. We both overreacted.” They’d both acted stupid. Jack shouldn’t have gotten so mad, and Robby shouldn’t have hit him. Robby still can’t believe he punched him.

Kelly gives him a skeptical look.

“I shouldn’t have hit him,” Robby says aloud. It’s been a month, and the bruises have long since faded on his knuckles, but he feels like he can feel phantom pain still. He can still picture the marks on his hand, an awful reminder of what happened.

“From what you’ve told me, it was deserved.”

Robby shakes his head. “No. I shouldn’t have hit him.”

Kelly shakes her head. “Whatever, Michael. So what are you going to do? You’ve been miserable for weeks. And it doesn’t seem like your…friend is going to apologize first.”

She’s right. They’re both stubborn, him and Jack, and he knows how long Jack can go before he caves. Robby doesn’t want that. He wants them to be okay, and if that means he has to make the first move, he will. He doesn’t want to feel this way anymore.

“I’m going to talk to him,” he tells her.

***

Jack eats his pizza subduedly. He hasn’t spoken once since they arrived. In fact, he’s barely acknowledged Robby at all. He doesn’t know why.

No, that’s a lie. He knows why. He knows he’s not mad anymore, wasn’t really mad to begin with, and now he’s not sure how to fix things. He’d regretted what he said the next day; he woke up with a bruise on his cheek and a guilty conscience. He’d wanted to call Robby immediately, to apologize, but he wasn’t sure if Robby wanted to hear from him.

So he waited. He waited for the right time that never came. Instead, weeks went by without them talking. And that seemed to hurt worse, the fact that Robby didn’t want to fix things either. That Robby didn’t seem to care at all. Jack saw him a couple times, around campus; he was always with Kelly, smiling and laughing.

Jack thought it was just a crush. He thought he was over it. But then this…woman came along, and all Jack could feel was jealousy. He was insanely jealous, and maybe he went a little crazy about it. He shouldn’t have said those things. Robby was right to hit him.

He should’ve just apologized, but he was worried (still is) that Robby might read into it. Come to the right conclusions about Jack. Jack wants his friend back, but he’s more scared about what might happen if Robby figures him out. So he kept his distance, tried to think of ways to possibly make things better, and spent a month absolutely miserable.

When Robby knocked on his door, Jack was surprised. Robby’s not cruel or vindictive; he’s not the type of person who would let a friendship go over something stupid. Robby’s always been a better man than Jack.

“Hi,” Robby said, smiling shyly.

Jack blinked at him, too shocked to respond.

“Can we go somewhere and talk?” Robby asked. He was nervous. Jack hates that Robby was nervous because of him.

Jack still didn’t say anything. He couldn’t get his brain to tell his mouth what to say.

“Please?” Robby scratched the back of his neck. “I think we should, uh, we should talk.”

Jack just nodded. He grabbed his stuff, his shoes, his wallet, and followed Robby. As they walked, he kept glancing at Robby, pretty sure he was hallucinating. Because why would Robby make the first move when Jack is the one who started it?

Now, they’re sitting at their pizza joint. Robby keeps shooting him looks, like he’s unsure what to say. Like he planned on how to get Jack in the same room as him but didn’t actually plan on what he was going to say.

Jack’s not sure what to say either. Sorry is probably a good start.

“I’m sorry I hit you,” Robby blurts out. He puts his slice down and sits up straight. “I shouldn’t have hit you.”

Robby’s always been better than him. “I deserved it,” Jack mumbles, fiddling with his napkin. He can’t look at Robby. He might actually start crying if he sees Robby’s earnest brown eyes.

A pause, and then Robby says, “You did, but that doesn’t mean it was right.”

“I shouldn’t have said what I did.” Jack clears his throat. “I’m, uh. Sorry. I’m sorry.” He runs a hand through his hair. He doesn’t want to explain, but he probably owes Robby some kind of reason. Other than that he's young and dumb. “I was just mad about you bailing.” Not a lie but not the whole truth.

“Sorry about that.” Robby looks down at his half-eaten slice.

Jack shrugs. “You got a girlfriend.”

“That’s not an excuse.” Robby never thought he’d be one of those guys. He’s kind of horrified to learn he might be. “Next time, just slap some sense into me.”

Jack lifts his head at that, eyes narrowed. “You say that like you plan on bailing on me again.”

“Not on purpose. And I’ll, uh. I’ll do better. I shouldn’t have treated you like that.”

Jack stares at him, something strange on his face. After a long moment, he shakes his head, eyes drifting down to his pizza. “Man, this is some mushy shit. I’m sorry, you’re sorry, we’re all sorry. Can we just let it go?”

Robby nods immediately. “Yeah. Yes. Consider it forgotten.”

“Good.” Jack eats the rest of his slice and half of another before he speaks again. “You want to go catch a movie? Sure there’s something not terrible out right now.”

Robby smiles. “Sounds great.”

March 1997

Robby knows something’s off immediately. Jack barely looks up, eyes flickering over them before dropping to the table. Instead of his usual steady stream of words, Jack mumbles a greeting and nothing more. His shoulders hunch. His jaw clenches.

Robby frowns because something is wrong. “Are you okay?” he asks.

Jack nods.

Alright then. Robby, brow furrowed, clears his throat. “Um. Okay. Uh, Jack, this is Kelly. Kelly, this is Jack.”

Kelly smiles widely despite the weird tension settling over them. Her opinion of Jack hasn’t improved since his and Robby’s fight, and Jack’s really not helping his case right now. “It’s nice to meet you,” she says. “Michael talks about you a lot.”

At the rare use of his first name, Jack’s head snaps up. A weird look flashes across his face before he settles on indifference. “Yeah, he’s mentioned you once or twice.” Not friendly or teasing. There’s a mean undercurrent to what he says.

Kelly startles at the tone. She glances at Robby, but he doesn’t know what to say. He’s never seen Jack act like this. He’s not even sure what this is. He knows Jack didn’t really want to do this–trying to get him to agree to this meeting was like pulling teeth–but he didn’t expect Jack to be a dick about it.

Robby clears his throat again. “Jack’s premed. He’s thinking about going into surgery.” He studies Jack’s face, but there’s no emotion, no flicker of anything.

“My surgery rotation was cool,” Kelly offers. “Not a specialty for me, but I think it’s fascinating. Do you know what kind of surgery you’re interested in?”

“Nope.” Jack flips over the menu, not even sparing her a look.

Robby’s torn between being mad and worried. In the end, anger wins out. “Man, what’s your problem?” he snaps.

“I don’t have a problem,” Jack lies.

Kelly lays a hand on Robby’s arm, squeezing once to get his attention. “Michael, maybe I should go,” she says. “Let you two talk.”

Abruptly, Jack gets to his feet, an angry look on his face. “No, I’ll gladly leave.” With that, he storms out of the restaurant.

Robby sits there for a moment, stunned, before stumbling to his own feet. “I’ll be right back,” he tells Kelly before following him outside.

Jack’s already walking away, hands in his pockets and head down. He ignores Robby when he calls after him. When Robby catches up to him, tries to grab his arm, Jack yanks it away and tries to keep walking.

Robby grabs him again, a firm grasp Jack can’t shake loose, and spins him around. “Jack, what is going on?”

Jack scowls. “Go back inside, Michael,” he sneers, trying to jerk his arm free.

“No, man. You agree to meet up, then act like a total dick to my girlfriend. What the hell?”

“Let me go.”

“Not until you give me something. You’re drunk. You were abducted by aliens. Give me anything.”

Jack huffs. “This was just a mistake,” he says. “There. I gave you something. Now let me go.”

“A mistake? Why?”

“I shouldn’t have agreed to this,” Jack grumbles, more to himself than Robby. He sighs, tilts his head back. “Let’s just agree to keep away from each other.”

…what the fuck does that mean? “Keep Kelly away from you? That’s gonna be a little hard considering we’re dating and you’re my best friend. It’d be nice if you two got along.”

“I don’t need to be your third fucking wheel, Robby,” Jack snaps.

And it finally clicks in his head. Why Jack’s so mad. “You’re jealous,” Robby realizes.

Jack clenches his jaw. “Drop it,” he warns.

“No, no, you’re jealous.” Robby can’t believe he didn’t see it.

Jack scoffs and tries to yank his arm away again.

“Are you jealous that I’m dating? Because, man, nothing’s gonna change. You’re still important to me. I know I fucked up in the beginning, but I’m working on it.”

“Oh really? So that was a different guy bailing on our plans because of her.”

And, okay, Robby can admit he’s still been flaky lately. He’s trying to be better, but sometimes, he juggles too much and drops the ball. Unfortunately, the ball that’s dropped is always Jack. “You’re right,” he admits. “I could try harder, but that’s not her fault. She has nothing to do with you and me.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

It’s the way he grumbles it, the way he still won’t look at Robby. Something about this argument seems wrong. Like Robby’s circling the truth but hasn’t hit the bullseye yet. “But…you’re not jealous because of me bailing on you.” Robby narrows his eyes at him, tries to put the pieces together. “Are you…do you like Kelly? Is that it?”

“No, man!” Jack finally wretches his arm free. “I’m not jealous of you dating her.”

…

Oh.

Oh.

Robby’s eyes go wide, shock falling over him. Jack’s…he’s pretty sure he knows what Jack’s not saying, and he’s not sure what to do about it.

Jack looks upset. “Just…fuck off, man,” he says quietly. “Go back inside. She’s probably wondering where you went.” And with that, he turns and jogs away.

Robby, still frozen in place, does nothing but watch him go.

***

Jack’s been avoiding Robby for a couple weeks. He let his secret out, probably ruined the best friendship he’s ever had, and he doesn’t want to hear anything Robby has to say. He doesn’t want to hear the pity or the disgust or whatever it is Robby’s planning. He just wants to forget it happened. Pretend he never met Michael Robinavitch.

Unfortunately, Jack’s roommate is a traitor. After two weeks of lying about Jack’s whereabouts and being Jack’s messenger, Mark finally caves. Jack finds this out in the worst way possible: to Robby standing in his doorway, shuffling awkwardly.

“I gave him twenty bucks,” Robby explains, a small smile on his face.

Jack glares at him, tries to will him to disappear. When that doesn’t work, Jack turns back to his desk and his textbook.

“Seriously? You’re still not talking to me?”

Jack turns his stereo on.

Robby huffs and steps into his room, the door shutting with a quiet click.

Jack tenses, unsure what to expect. He’s in uncharted territory. He’s never done this before, and he has no idea what to do. He has no idea what he’ll do if Robby reacts badly.

Robby seems to hesitate, shifting behind Jack, until he takes a deep breath and approaches. He turns off the stereo, staring down at Jack. “Can we please talk?”

“No,” Jack snaps and turns the stereo back on.

Robby rolls his eyes and switches it off again. “Come on, man. You can’t drop that bombshell on me and then run away.”

“I can actually. Watch me do it again.”

“What are you going to, crawl out the window?”

“Yeah I might.” No matter that they’re on the fourth floor; Jack will figure out a way down if it means escaping what is about to be a truly horrible conversation.

A sigh, then the creak of Jack’s bed. Jack glances over his shoulder, tries to ignore the flutter in his chest at the sight of Robby sitting on the edge of his bed.

Robby who doesn’t look like he’s disgusted or angry. He looks tired. “I broke up with Kelly,” he says.

Jack turns fully at that, eyeing Robby warily. “Why?”

“It’s kind of hard to be with someone when you can’t stop thinking about someone else.”

Hope blossoms. Jack stomps it down. “I thought she was the love of your life or whatever.”

Robby looks down at his hands and says, “You’re my best friend, Jack, and I don’t want to ruin that. But, I’ve been thinking about it, and I think…I think I feel the same way about you.”

“You think?” Jack’s not about to take a leap on “I think.”

“I’ve been trying to sort out my feelings,” Robby admits with a shrug.

Jack bites his lip. “I don’t want to fuck this up.” Then, because this is probably not going to work without honesty, he adds, “I’ve never liked guys before. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“I’ve only liked one guy,” Robby tells him. “A guy in high school. It wasn't much of a relationship, but I think we can figure it out together. If you want to. I don’t want to fuck this up either.”

Jack stares at him, eyes wide. This is everything he’s wanted for a long time. Probably longer, before he knew what to label all these feelings. Here is everything he’s wanted being offered to him. He gets to his feet and, after hesitating briefly, crosses the room to sit next to Robby. His heart is hammering in his chest, his palms sweaty. “You’re not going to lose me,” he whispers.

Robby turns his head, glancing up at him. He slowly reaches out and takes Jack’s hand. “So we’re doing this.”

Jack nods. He’s absolutely terrified, but this is Robby. He doesn’t feel as scared knowing Robby is going to be right there with him. “I want you,” he tells him firmly.

Robby smiles and leans in. He pauses a few centimeters away, waiting for Jack. Jack, who hesitates only briefing before lurching forward. The kiss is brief, a barely there meeting of their lips, but it makes Jack’s whole world shift. Makes everything become brighter. As he tilts his head, presses another kiss to Robby’s mouth, Jack thinks he could live in this moment forever.