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Raph took a deep breath, his hands gripping the steering wheel a bit tighter. He glanced toward Donnie, the only passenger in the van with him. The nerdy turtle was scribbling something on his note pad, looking thoughtful, before scribbling some more.
Overall, there wasn't anything wrong, or different, with what Donnie was doing. But the air between them felt tense.
"Dunno how ya can write while we're driving," Raph remarked, peering over to try and see what was holding Donnie's interest. "Pretty sure it would end up unreadable scribbles if I tried."
Donnie glanced up, flashing him a small smile. "Practice. And I'd appreciate it if you would watch the road, and not what I'm doing," he added before going straight back to his notes.
Raph huffed under his breath, though he did turn his attention forward once more. He couldn't make out anything from Donnie's tiny neat scrawl anyway, and it was clear from the way Donnie was now tilting the notes just fractionally further away from him, that Donnie wasn't keen to share.
That was pretty much true of everything between them now. Nearly two whole years together and Donnie seemed to have lost all interest.
The whole point of getting out of the city, just the two do them, was to reconnect. Raph knew they'd only been on the road a few hours and that he shouldn't be surprised that a mini road-trip hadn't magically fixed everything between them, but he had hoped he wasn't going to be the only one trying.
"Ya know, you could put the work aside for a bit," Raph said. "I mean, when was the last time we actually were alone together like this?"
"Last night," Donnie said flatly.
"That don't count," Raph replied. "I mean, like, when was the last time we just… I dunno, talked?" he asked, glancing at Donnie again.
"You," Donnie said, slowly lowering his notebook, closing it in his lap, "want to talk?" he asked with a frown.
Raph shrugged his shoulder. "I mean, yeah," he admitted. "I know talkin' ain't usually my thing, but I dunno, might be good to try something new, right?"
Donnie chuckled softly, shifting in his seat and actually giving Raph his attention. "Sure. Was that what this trip was about?"
Raph frowned. "What d'ya mean?"
"Was there something specific you wanted to talk about?" Donnie asked. "Maybe something that might be hard to discuss with two other ninjas close by?"
"Can't I just wanna spend time with you?" Raph asked, frustration rumbling through the words.
"I mean, sure," Donnie agreed easily. "So… you don't want to talk?"
"I dunno, Don," Raph said with a tired sigh. "Why don't you tell me what you're working on. You've clearly got something on your mind with the amount of notes you're makin'."
"Oh, that's… a surprise," Donnie told him evasively. "But I have been working on something for April. A baby monitor that is actually secure, rather than all those ones the humans use that connect to their usual WiFi. Madness," he added, shaking his head.
"Don't know if they actually need one of those, Case hardly leaves the nursery." Raph snorted. "Pretty sure he's half convinced the kid is The Foot's new prime target, that they'll vanish if he takes his eyes off them for two seconds."
"Casey's always had a protective streak. Plus he's a new dad," Donnie pointed out. "And it's not like The Foot haven't come after our family and friends before, so there's precedence…"
"Yeah, yeah," Raph interrupted. "I get it. It just sucks sometimes is all."
"It sucks that your best friend is a good dad and loving it?" Donnie challenged.
"That ain't what I meant and you know it," Raph snapped back. "But it's changed everything."
"Yeah, kids do that," Donnie said, turning to stare out the window at the passing trees.
His tone was heavy with a sudden bitterness Raph didn't understand.
"Yeah, whatever," Raph grumbled, putting his foot down a bit more on the accelerator. He was just eager to get to the farmhouse now.
He wanted to press Donnie, find out what he'd said to upset him this time. But Raph had become more self aware in the last couple years, and knew that pushing the issue was inevitably going to just lead to a full blown argument. And that was not the start he'd wanted to their little getaway.
So Raph held his tongue, gave his full attention to the road ahead and hoped that he could figure out a way to fix this whole thing before Donnie could decide to actually be done with him.
—
Leaning against the porch railing, Donnie closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He tried to let the cool evening country air calm him, and ease the irrational irritation he'd been battling for days.
"Ain't ya cold out here?"
Donnie turned to flash a smile at Raph, admiring the handsome picture he made leaning casually in the doorway.
"It's nice," Donnie told him. "The view's good too," he added, turning to look out at the surrounding woodland once more.
Raph chuckled deeply behind him. "Hell yeah it is," he said salaciously, footsteps sounding as he moved closer, pressing in against Donnie's carapace.
Donnie hummed softly, enjoying the feeling of him right there, so close, sheltering them both from the gentle breeze. This was what he'd hoped they'd find if they had some time alone.
Donnie knew he'd been keeping his distance from Raph, not physically, but emotionally. He'd not intended for that to happen, but he didn't know how else to handle the impending situation.
Strong arms wrapped around him, and Donnie couldn't help but lean into the touch, taking comfort he knew he didn't deserve. But he was a coward, and desperately wanted to steal as many moments with Raph as he could, before his hot-headed brother found out the truth and ended everything.
"Where are ya, Don?" Raph asked.
Donnie turned his head to look at Raph over his shoulder, frowning.
"Your mind is a million miles from here," Raph said, leaning closer and nuzzling the back of Donnie's neck.
Donnie closed his eyes once more, letting out a heavy sigh. He was doing it again, pushing Raph away.
"Sorry," Donnie said.
Standing up straight, he shivered when Raph's arms fell away. Turning to face his brother, he smiled at him. Lifting his own arms to wrap around Raph's neck, he leaned in and gave him a quick kiss.
"It's just been difficult to turn my brain off lately," he admitted.
Raph smiled at him, moving his hands to rest on Donnie's hips, before sliding them back to grip his ass firmly.
Donnie yelped as he was pulled forward, his and Raph's plastrons pressing together.
"Ya know, all ya gotta do is ask, and I can help switch off that brain of yours."
Donnie laughed earnestly. "Definitely going to take you up on that," he told him. "Is that the big plan you had for this evening?"
"It could be," Raph told him with a smirk. "But thought we could cook dinner together first?"
"You know I enjoy doing things with you, but are you sure you're up for dealing with my neurotic cooking skills today?" Donnie asked.
"Yeah, I think I'll live," Raph said with a chuckle. "I'll even let ya boss me around if that helps."
Donnie was unable to stop the excited chirp at hearing that, blushing brightly when Raph laughed. It was no secret Donnie got a thrill from Raph letting him take charge.
"Come on, boss," Raph said, stepping back. "I got everything set up in the kitchen already. Even brought the knives you like."
Still blushing, Donnie nodded his head once, heading into the house before his brother.
Stepping into the kitchen, Donnie paused, looking at the ingredients set up on the counter. Everything was already measured out and lined up to perfection, just the way he liked it.
"You did all this?" Donnie questioned, touched that Raph would go to the trouble, when he knew Raph's approach was normally more chaotic.
"Well it wasn't the fucking local squirrels," Raph said as he stepped past him into the kitchen and went to pick up an apron. "Common, chef, got ta get ya all dressed up."
Donnie swallowed back the guilt. Raph was being so genuinely sweet; he had clearly put a lot of effort and thought into the trip, which proved it wasn't as impromptu as Donnie had originally thought.
Deciding he could at least put his worried spiraling thoughts aside for one night, and give Raph the evening he absolutely deserved, Donnie plastered the best smile he could on his face and stepped further into the kitchen.
He let Raph help him with the apron, and was surprised a moment later when Raph pulled out a chef's hat, plonking it straight onto Donnie's head.
"It's official now, chef Don is in charge," Raph said as he turned and grabbed his own apron. "Where you want me first?"
"Honestly I'd take you right here," Donnie told him bluntly as he watched Raph pull the apron on. "You should organize stuff more often."
"I see, an organized kitchen really does it for ya, huh?" Raph said with a smirk. "I'll keep that in mind for future reference."
Donnie's heart ached at the words; he doubted there would be a future once he found the courage to tell Raph the truth, something he'd definitely do before they returned home. But he fought to keep the smile on his face, not wanting to ruin the mood between them yet again. It was starting to feel like that was all he'd done lately.
"Seriously, though, what we doing first, before we actually get distracted by both our dicks?" Raph asked with a shameless grin.
Donnie chuckled, nodding his head in agreement, before looking at the counter.
"Well, let's start with making the sauce, and then we'll cook the pasta," he said, letting his focus turn to the task at hand, determined to enjoy one last evening with Raph.
—
It was wrong, it felt like everything from start to finish had just been one mistake after another. He'd cooked the pasta too soon, he hadn't layered the lasagna right, he'd offered Donnie beer, or wine, or even a fruity mixed drink. Each option had been shot down faster than the last.
Dinner had tasted good at least, but the conversation was stilted, and Raph felt the good mood they'd started with had diminished to the point where they'd likely be sleeping in separate beds tonight.
Now, Donnie was sitting silently, staring at his half empty plate.
Taking a deep breath, Raph stood up, gathering up his plate, then Donnie's. "I made dessert, if ya want," he said.
Donnie didn't look at him, but nodded his head, remaining silent.
Raph turned sharply, practically throwing the plates into the sink. He was reaching the end of his patience; he'd been trying, gone out of his way to do things he knew Donnie liked, trying to show his brother how committed he was to their relationship. But just when he felt things were getting back on track, that he was winning Donnie back, it all fell apart again.
He huffed out a breath as he leaned against the edge of the sink. He could feel his patience slipping through his fingers, but was determined not to lose his temper and give Donnie the final straw he needed to just end things all together.
Because no matter how crazy Donnie made him, Raph didn't think he knew how to live without him.
Breathing out slowly once more, he turned and went over to the fridge, pulling out the brownies he'd baked the day before.
Baking wasn't his strong suit and Mikey had offered to do them for him, but Raph had been determined that it was something he'd wanted to do himself. It had taken two tries but with Mikey's guidance, Raph had made the perfect brownies, gooey in the middle just like Donnie always loved.
He carefully picked out two of the middle squares, putting each onto plates before fetching the ice-cream next and adding a scoop of that to each as well.
He took one more calming breath before he picked up both plates and headed back over to Donnie.
However, even as Raph put the plates down and slid back into his own seat, Donnie looked up with an apologetic grimace.
"What?" Raph asked hesitantly.
"I'm so sorry," Donnie said earnestly. "I just… I don't think I can eat this right now."
"Are you kidding me?" Raph finally snapped. "You couldn't have said that five minutes ago?"
"I didn't know five minutes ago," Donnie told him sheepishly, but even his sad eyes did nothing to dull Raph's anger.
"You didn't know?" Raph questioned skeptically. "What the fuck, Don? Because honestly it seems like I can't do anything right anymore. I spent hours yesterday making these for you…"
"I'm sorry," Donnie said, tears welling in his eyes now.
"Don't be sorry, just tell me what's going on," Raph demanded. "Just break up with me already if you really don't want to be with me any more. Dragging it out like this is just cruel. And you're many things, Don, but I never thought you were cruel."
"Break up with you?" Donnie asked, sounding bewildered. "Is that what you want?"
"Of course I don't want that!" Raph snapped back. "But you're avoiding me, you don't talk to me anymore and…"
"I'm not breaking up with you," Donnie interrupted, "I'm pregnant."
"You're…" Raph's brain ground to a screeching halt, his anger vanishing along with all rational thought. "What?" The word came out choked and confused. "This ain't the time for dumb jokes."
"Not a joke. Believe me I checked, double checked, freaked out and checked again," Donnie told him seriously. "I should have told you."
"Ya think?" Raph said bluntly.
"I just didn't want to lose you," Donnie told him quietly. "I knew you didn't want this and I selfishly wanted just a few more months, weeks, even a few days, with you. But I managed to mess things up anyway."
"There's a whole lot of you getting inside your own head there, Donnie," Raph told him earnestly, far too familiar with his brother's self-deprecating streak. "But what the hell made ya think this would mean you lose me?"
"Well, you've made your feelings about children quite clear," Donnie told him. "And that's okay, not everyone is a kid-person…"
"Hey, I like kids," Raph protested.
"Maybe, but the way you talk about Casey," Donnie explained, "as though he's been handed a life sentence…"
Raph snorted. "That's because he's Casey! The guy has a shorter attention span than Mikey."
"Not sure that's entirely accurate," Donnie grumbled under his breath.
"Not the point," Raph went on. "I was venting, Casey ain't never been the responsible one, he's impulsive, and puts my anger issues ta shame. And now, I dunno, he's like a whole different person."
"Parenthood can do that to a person," Donnie said sadly.
"Exactly!" Raph exclaimed. "And I ain't even saying it's a bad thing. Because I know Casey is happier than he's ever been. I'm happy for him. But I also lost part of my best friend when he became a dad."
"I know," Donnie said, brow furrowed.
"Doesn't mean I think that him having a kid was a bad thing, Don," Raph explained. "Hell, even I'd die for the smelly little twerp if it came down ta it."
"I know that too," Donnie admitted.
"All the shit I said, about him being a dad and how fucking messed up it is; that was just me getting it off my chest, because it was absolutely the last thing I'd ever want to say to Case," Raph explained.
"So you said it to me," Donnie said softly, understanding finally seeming to dawn
"Yes!" Raph huffed. "'Cause you were my safe place, I knew anythin' I said wouldn't go beyond us, and I thought it was somethin' ya wouldn't hold against me once I calmed down either."
"I never would hold it against you," Donnie told him. "It's why I assumed we would be done when you found out the truth. I know this wasn't in the plan and I wouldn't have held you to anything."
"Yeah, that's real nice, Don, but I feel I need to remind you that none of this was in the plan. Pretty sure there is no damned plan," Raph pointed out, reaching over the table to take Donnie's hand. "But that doesn't mean it can't be fucking awesome anyway, right?"
Donnie didn't answer right away, though Raph could see his brother's walls coming down, saw Donnie's lower lip trembling as he attempted to hold himself together.
"Don?" Raph prompted.
The purple-banded turtle nodded his head quickly, tears welling up and rolling down his cheeks.
Raph stood up quickly, his chair scratching against the floor. He wrapped his arms around Donnie, sighing when he felt his brother return the embrace.
"So we're not breaking up?" Donnie asked quietly, still clinging to him.
"I hope not," Raph told him honestly, before considering for a moment. "Strike that, definitely not breaking up if we're having a kid," he amended as the reality of that slowly started to actually register in his brain. "You don't want to, right?"
"Have a kid?" Donnie questioned with clear confusion.
"No! I meant, you don't want to break up," Raph corrected quickly.
"Oh, yeah," Donnie said sniffling as he pulled back enough to smile up at Raph. "I would very much like to not break up. I also think it's a bit late to do anything about the having-a-child thing; we're a little committed at this point."
"Works for me," Raph told him, leaning down to kiss him firmly. "Though I do reserve the right to have several freakouts in the near future."
Donnie nodded his head in agreement. "That I think is a fair request. I've had my fair share of freak outs over this."
Raph chuckled, taking half a step back. He reached down, taking Donnie's hands, before pulling him up to his feet. "But, right now, maybe we could get this evening back on track? Take the brownies to the living room, put a movie on and-"
"No," Donnie interrupted, shaking his head.
"Oh…" Raph said, brow furrowed as he tried to wrap his head around what was wrong now.
"I meant no to the brownie," Donnie clarified. "They sound amazing, and I love that you made them, but even the smell is turning my stomach right now."
"The smell?" Raph questioned, not understanding in the slightest. Mikey had told him they had come out good.
"Just morning sickness I think," Donnie told him resting his hand against Raph's plastron. "I've been getting queasy and nauseous very easily the last week or so. Just normal pregnancy things, from what I can tell."
"I know we usually live a nocturnal life, Don. But, it ain't mornin'," Raph pointed out.
"Yes, it is poorly named," Donnie agreed with a scowl. "And your kid is apparently as much of a night-owl as you."
"Says the caffeine addict who frequently sleeps at his desk," Raph pointed out incredulously.
"Actually, I've been caffeine free for about a month now," Donnie informed him.
Raph snorted. "Oh, is that why you've been in a bad mood?"
"Hasn't helped the situation, certainly," Donnie admitted. "Though, I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I might try decaf for a bit, see if that takes the edge off."
"But you're okay, right?" Raph questioned.
In his surprise at the news and relief that Donnie wasn't planning to end things, he hadn't stopped to consider what Donnie had been going through alone.
"You and the kid, you're both okay. This isn't… dangerous?"
"There are some concerns that need addressing and a number of risks that we'll need to mitigate and manage appropriately, but nothing I would say is overtly dangerous," Donnie assured him.
Raph found Donnie's technical language oddly comforting. It meant he was approaching the situation with care.
"I've already started working on a few things," Donnie said. "I can show you my notes."
"That damned notebook!" Raph exclaimed in sudden realization. "This is the surprise you were scribbling about all the way here?"
"Surprise…" Donnie said bashfully, a small playful smile on his face.
Raph shook his head. "I absolutely want to see it then," he admitted.
He chuckled when Donnie turned, likely to go retrieve said notebook, but he reached out, quickly stopping him and pulling him back close.
"That can be a tomorrow thing," Raph told him. "Right now, we're gonna go to the living room, and watch a bad horror movie, and you can tell me how they managed to make all the bad effects, and how you'd do them better."
"Oh, you're such a sweet talker, you," Donnie said with a grin, even as he tugged on Raph's hand, pulling him in the direction of the living room.
Raph knew there would be more talking and questions tomorrow, but at least he knew things weren't ending between them, so there was going to be time for that. Time to figure out what they did next. Raph just hoped Donnie had also made notes on how they were supposed to tell the rest of their family, or if he'd have to convince his nerdy brother to make one of his flow charts for the impending conversations.
But that was a problem for another day. Until then he was going to make the most of what could be the last few days the two of them might ever get to be truly alone.