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Jason was exhausted. Frustrated. Absolutely and completely done with this saving the multiverse bullshit.
He was sick and tired of this glorified road trip that had been dragging him from Earth to Earth for months at this point with nothing to show for it. Ray Palmer had apparently taken to universe hopping after his wife had ensured a stay at arkham, and he was branding people on his way as perverted breadcrumbs for his fellow universal anomalies to trail after. And despite the severity of Bob’s words in how they could help ‘prevent a great disaster’ through finding Ray, the endeavour seemed pointless and suspicious from the start.
Jason was no further in gathering intel on what exactly he was doing and why he of all people was needed. It was nice to play hero for once but he was powerless and therefore virtually useless as pointed out time and time again from creatures stretched out across the multiverse and implied by his so called ‘friends.’ In fact, the only thing that was supposedly special about him was the fact that he was ‘a cosmic mistake’, a lovely moniker shared by the likes of Donna Troy, Green Lantern Kyle Rayner, and… Duela.
Duela’s death by the hands of a rogue monitor for universe hopping was seemingly the thing that set off this whole mess and him, Donna, and Kyle were brought along for the ride by a universe monitor he fittingly named Bob. Unlike his allies’ visitations from another monitor who made it loud and clear that they were supposed to be dead, Jason wasn’t sure whether his transgression was coming back to life or dying in the first place or both. He didn’t know what option he preferred really but it’s not like it matters anyway. Jason quite liked living, fought literal tooth and nail to continue to do so, and if any pink freak decided that that was wrong he wasn’t going to give in and take it.
But for now he had a reprieve from all the madness, well as best as he could get for a chance to rest. They’re on an Earth currently in the Victorian times called Earth-19 and had just finished fighting a monstrous Kyle, who had taken a gift with him from the previous earth infested with vampires.
Kyle’s vampire powers were probably the reason he was feeling so unusually snippy– Donna had apparently been the one picking fights for once instead of playing mediator because of them and earlier he was acting even worse than usual towards Kyle. Although if he was going to be honest those weren’t the only reasons he was agitated.
The last earth was tough. He was used to seeing Batman in every form conceivable by now, from fluffy, evil, and preferring owls to even a version of himself as the Dark Knight, and he’d grown used to their disgusted glares. Hell he’d seen so many that he’s sure that he could face his Batman after this mess. There’s no better exposure therapy than universe hopping. All that said, he’d never really encounted a Barbara Gordon or a Dick Grayson before on any of these Earths. It wasn’t exactly pleasant seeing Barbara for the first time since coming back to life through watching her bleed out to death from being staked in the heart nor was it fun seeing Dick turn into a literal monster in his quest for revenge.
That combined with how ideal this world seemed to him, how it filled him with a sense of belonging that he hadn’t felt in the years since he’d donned red, green, and yellow, had him feeling, as childish it seemed to say, homesick.
He yearned to stay in Gotham’s embrace more than he ever had before in his year of work in New York. It was stirring one of the very few memories he did have from his resurrection. Although spotty he recalls how much he desperately wanted to go home after crawling out of his grave, tottering there like a homing missile in his injured state. Talia once said he’d been picked up 12.5 miles away from his burial site when making a point on how Gotham is his, urging him to go back and reclaim it (and maybe how his father was too given how he found out the place he was picked up was on a direct route to Wayne Manor). And this yearning was all the more palpable given he’s currently staying in Wayne Manor, a place he hasn’t visited in the 34 Earths he’s been to so far.
The place was much the same as he remembers it. It probably isn’t like the one on his own Earth though, he imagines after that earthquake destroyed it that it wasn’t rebuilt with the old charm this universe’s manor has.
The night was quiet, peaceful. Bob had gone off to wherever he usually does on nights of their adventures leaving Jason and his two teammates in a sitting room in the guest section of the manor. Bruce had been more than welcoming, especially given they’ve brought nothing but chaos in the form of a swarm of colossal bats with them to this universe. They were left to rest in any of the rooms they pleased in the guest wing but the three gravitated towards each other anyway, too used to the ritual of having to seek respite in close quarters. This closeness was definitely not a problem for Donna and Kyle who were intimately whispering to each other on the other side of the cosy room.
Though it was more Donna whispering at Kyle with her characteristic concerned face and Kyle responding in entirely unconvincing reassurances that he was just fine. Anyone could tell that he wasn’t fine though, even without detective training from Batman, natural observation skills, and more than 2 months living in close proximity to the guy it was obvious to see that he was a wreck. The usually tactile man who was always a little too desperate for validation from his ex was now shying away from Donna’s reassurance. She made attempt after attempt to gently grasp his hand yet he subtly moved away each time, looking anywhere but her direction and flexing his jaw like he was checking if it was still hinged. Jason figured it either had something to do with Kyle’s time as Ion which was a mantle that had been uttered as both a fun fact that Kyle no longer had that power to quiet sobs that he couldn’t do more, that he forgot how his skin felt without the cosmos embedded into his cells, that he couldn’t remember how to sleep; or perhaps this was the more likely case of Parallax.
In Jason’s research of his time gone from the dress up game he got the impression Parallax was the title of Hal Jordan who had decided cross into villain territory with the whole shebang of killing fellow Green Lanterns and trying to recreate the whole universe. It’s not like Jason could completely blame him, he was no stranger to losing it in grief, but from his read on Kyle it didn’t seem that he was the type to be traumatised by Hal nor go on the villain path himself. In fact it’s one of the things that Jason immediately resented him for. He looked at Kyle’s irritating overconfidence and boyish quips and put him in a heroic Robin category that had him thinking ‘Bruce probably loves this guy.’ And he was right, at least when based on Kyle’s repeated mentions that Batman is a prime example of heroism and Jason is less than subpar.
So it’s been made clear his previous impression of Parallax was wrong and that the title implied something other, something that Kyle had fallen victim to and was haunting him from many nights Jason heard the gentle questions of Donna when they thought he was asleep, asking whether Kyle’s recent bouts of nightmares were Alex, Jennie, his mother, or Parallax. The former three are lost loved ones and if Jason were a betting man he’d put money on Parallax being a Kyle possessed during that war with yellow lanterns that happened not so long before this multiverse business. If he was especially bold he’d guess he’s lost the title of Ion then too and he was struggling with the dilemma of being too used to godliness to sleep or accept powerlessness, wearing humanity like fitting into an old coat he forgot existed in the back of his closet.
And despite his general demeanour, Jason isn’t a complete jerk. He hates not knowing things and he’s not going to stop observing to get as much of an idea of his teammates as possible but he’s not going to hound the guy for answers when he’s struggling and doesn’t like Jason much. So he leaves Donna and Kyle be in the quiet moments to be a team within the team and he’ll keep his distance and pretend he’s Bat-Brooding. He’s no saint though. He might feel a little sympathy for his teammate but he does take extreme joy in pissing Kyle off during their missions. It’s too entertaining to rile him up when he’s so pressed on vying for Donna’s attention, somehow convinced that Jason is competition instead of her estranged, murderous kid-brother figure. And although it may be hypocritical, that Robin behaviour gets on his last nerve. He’s a real Dick Grayson type of cape and he might be putting up an exaggerated act to seem like he’s totally fine but Jason knows that most of his behaviour is just his personality and it is insufferable.
Overall, Jason doesn’t find the guy to be too bad, there is worse company out there and he has his moments where he is almost pleasant to be around. He’s competent enough, definitely useful with that power ring, and it’s easy to see why Donna loves him so much. Knowing Donna she chose to date him in the first place out of her own poor taste however he is endearing in a way.
On the thought of those two it seemed that Donna had stopped her futile efforts in trying to comfort an unreceptive Kyle. She gave a last gentle smile towards him before giving a graceful sigh and slinking up from where she was sat in a way that screamed quiet power.
“Goodnight, Jason.”
Jason glanced up from the book he was half focused reading (it was a joy to see the selection of Victorian literature which seemed to align with his universe, quite a lot of it being lost to time and it was even better that this Bruce had offered to let him take a small text with him) then gave a smile towards her, gently bidding her goodnight in turn as she left the room.
And then there were two.
Kyle seemed to realise this and looked uncomfortable, going from tortured artist recovering from vampiric possession in the gloomy candlelight to being a little awkward and reserved, now curling into himself even more and picking at the nonexistent loose threads on his trousers. He glanced directly at Jason and Jason couldn’t help but feel seen in a way that had pushed at something in his chest. Whilst Kyle hadn’t even bothered to discern Jason those first few nights of their meeting, always too quick to let his guard down, it had become too often recently that Kyle had looked at him in a way that felt all too revealing. Oddly enough he’s grown to prefer it over even Donna’s company.
Donna had initially been the person he’d considered easiest to deal with from his past life. He didn’t have the expectations and bitterness with her like he did Bruce and Dick and whilst she did look at him like he was disappointing sometimes she still welcomed him as a friend. Hell he might even say that their relationship had improved from his brief time in the Titans, going from being seen as a baby Dick Grayson to rely on when Donna was lost to being the kid-brother she didn’t really know but cared for. He didn’t like to think about the past too much but he’d always admired Donna. He was pathetic in the way that he looked at her star struck and eager for approval during his brief stint with her team, though his temporary teammates at the time probably saw his 13 year old excitement as cute and a bit ill fitting for the miserable state of the rest of them.
And he could see that she still saw the same kid when she looked at him which went from slightly frustrating but a bit relieving to completely suffocating. It was cloying how she’d insist that he’s ‘better’ than being the killer and unheroic man that he is. He was walking on a tightrope in keeping her opinion of him positive and he desperately wanted to throw himself off but his sense of survival and balance kept him walking on; now caught on a precarious situation he was sick of after all these months of close proximity but desperate to cling on to the little good will his previous role model had for him.
He was glad to see her leave the room and if he was being honest with himself he was glad to be alone with Kyle.
He didn’t let that relief show however, deciding to continue reading his novel whilst keeping track of the other in the back of his mind. Jason was comfortable in this arrangement but Kyle was evidently not. He kept getting somehow more fidgety and making small twitches as if he wanted to leave but didn’t want to face trying to sleep just yet. Jason couldn’t blame him. He too had his fair share of insomnia and nightmares and was procrastinating the exact same situation of sleep. It was worse knowing that he’d have a room to himself for once, that the bed would be a little archaic but soft and luxurious in a way that he hadn’t experienced in over half a decade. He could stand isolation but he didn’t want it, having grown soft for the way he was typically forced to sleep next to his teammates in the cheap motels and abandoned apartments they were resigned into staying at.
Maybe he was so strangely partial to Kyle because they could see each other going through the same predicament. Jason did just fine ignoring it and Kyle did not, eventually giving in and hesitantly sitting closer to him.
“What’re you reading?”
Jason snapped out of his haze. “Hmm? Oh. Silas Marner, by George Eliot.”
Kyle seemed a little lost on how to respond to that, eloquently responding with a quiet “Oh.”
The shadows of the candlelight made him seem even more despondent and gloomy than his sorry state already had him appearing. Somehow he was still pretty though, the overgrown pseudo rocker haircut caused waves of hair that drooped softly over his face combined with the flames that lit his brown eyes golden and softly illuminated his lashes. Jason wasn’t sure whether to be annoyed or enamoured and he was uncharacteristically the one who was itching to grab a pencil between the two of them.
He decided on reluctant appreciation and putting the poor man out of his misery with an instinctual smirk he explained, “It’s about a lonely miser who gains back his spirit after adopting a child.”
Kyle caught on quickly and mirrored his smirk, “I bet you love the irony of that, Boy Wonder.”
The conversation quickly closes out with a bitter comment and pointed scowl from Jason, “Why do you think I chose it?”
Admittedly, choosing it was both a guilty pleasure and a practice in masochism. He’d had complex feelings about the novel even as Robin, seeing the obvious parallels in his own life and fancying himself an Eppie of a sort. But to be truthful, he’d always known he’s nothing like her. He tried his hardest to be the doting son but he could never erase his other parents: Willis, Catherine, and later and most regretfully at all, Sheila. When in the past Jason fantasised that Willis would be revealed to have been alive all along and came back for him, now he thinks with a sense of nausea on how Shelia had never asked for him at all and yet Jason still wanted to be taken from his father by her.
‘I can’t think o’ no other home,’ he scoffs under his breath. And isn’t that the truth? He yearns for Wayne Manor, remembers the bitter cold of the streets, and yet he can’t remember what Catherine looks like. He can’t even look into a mirror to imagine her visage and he can’t recall the exact layout of their dingy apartment. And he doesn’t even hurt that much for it as he does for Bruce because how can you properly grieve something that is blocked in your memory?
Kyle looked a lot more settled after the mediocre small talk despite Jason’s bad manners, nestling into his seat and looking in a somewhat contemplative manner at him. Jason decided to give up his reading; he didn’t want to give too much away when the other could already see through him far too easily.
“Do you ever get tired of pushing people away?”
“What?” Jason started grinding his teeth together. So much for being comfortable. “You’ve got a lot of nerve, Rayner.”
He expected another biting comment following their usual dance of childish bickering but was mildly bemused by Kyle continuing to look resolute. He stared for another moment.
“I mean, with Donna… I– You seem determined to make her hate you.”
Jason didn’t know what his deal was. Why suddenly care about him? “I thought you’d prefer it that way, I can be out of the picture from the weird love triangle you’ve created in your head.” Jason continued, not wanting to give him a chance to response, taking another stab to make sure he’d back off from whatever he’d been trying to attempt, “Besides it’s not like you’ve been the poster boy for reciprocating Donna’s affections this evening.”
Kyle flinched. Jason once again proved his talents on being able to hit people’s nerves. But still, Kyle seemed persistent, clenching his jaw before giving him something after a long moment, “It’s.. hard being open after being alone for so long.” He looked at him imploringly as if asking if Jason understood before giving a small huff of tired amusement, averting his eyes downwards and finished his thought in a tone that gave the impression that he was talking to himself, “I guess I’m answering my own question.”
That gave Jason pause. Enough that he softened without meaning to, evident in his tone too when he asked all too gently, “That we’re both tired of it?”
Kyle gained an odd spark in his eyes at that and gave a halfhearted, sleepy nod, “Yeah, it’s impossible not to be, isn’t it?”
The minutes went on, both of them not wanting to disrupt this fragile new connection between them. Both were entranced by the flickering candles and how the light filled the room in such a way that it made it feel cavernous. Intimidating but not so lonely.
Eventually Jason decided on something, taking a deep breath in, letting the air fill his lungs and exhaling in resignation.
“But we can’t help it anyway,”
Jason glanced at the book, then at his midnight companion, before looking back at one of the melting candles.
They sat, basked in the silence and their shared sleeplessness.
“Goodnight, Kyle.”
“…”
“Goodnight, Jason… Sleep well.”
Tomorrow they’d be gone from this Gotham that made Jason’s heart so content. Tomorrow they’d go back to bickering about nothing at all and pretending like they’re not haunted by the same demons. And maybe Tomorrow they’d try their hand again at not pushing people away.
But for tonight they’ll try their best to sleep.