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“Scar!” Knock, Knock, Knock
“What?” I open the door to Grian and his usual red sweater, grey-blackish jeans, and a pillow?
“I want cuddles, Scar.” Grain pout in what he considers a pissed way, but I think it’s cute… If I don’t let him in, he might get real fucking adorable.
I chuckled a bit, “Okay, come in, Grian.” I went over to the bed and sat on the edge, waiting for him to walk in. Grian sits next to me, leaning on my shoulder as he yawns.
“You sleepy?” I laugh as Grian slowly looks up at me
“Ye- ah… ah.” Grian yawns halfway through talking,
“Were you planning on staying in my room?” I already knew the answer; he had a pillow in his hand,
“Mumbo spends most of the night making lesson plans, his lamp keeps me up…” Grian rubs his eyes, fuck… he’s too cute, how did I even manage to get us dating!? I mean… a kiss cam did the job… but still!
“Grian, could you look away for a moment? I need to put on some pajamas.”
“Yeah, sure.” Grian walks to a corner and stares at it. He could have looked away… but he’s silly like that. I put on my pajama pants and a comfy shirt.
“Done.” Grian turns himself 180 degrees, his eyes taking me in from head to toe.
“Hm, comfy,” He flops onto my bed and stretches… is he going to sleep in his everyday clothes?! I’ve never seen more than one person be able to sleep in jeans.
“Come here Scar-“
“Aren’t you going to put on something more comfortable… like not jeans?” Grian’s body shoots up, his eyes are wide and staring at me… why does he seem
Scared?
Afraid,
Terrified,
Like I’m going to do something horrible? He only looked at me for a second, but still…
“I… don’t- I don’t have any” Grian’s usual grin no longer seems cheerful, but more like a mask to hide something… but what?
“You can borrow some of min-“
“No,” he backs up, fear no longer hidden. What is wrong with Grian? Why wouldn’t he tell me… I love him more than anything, and I would never be aggressive towards him.
“Grian… what is wrong?”
“Nothing! It’s… nothing”
“Grian,” he shrinks into the corner of the bed as I lessen the space between us.
“Something is wrong, please, please tell me what’s wrong…” I hold his face, feeling Grian freeze up. “You should change, it’s 33 degrees Celsius… you’ll boil alive.”
“I’ll be fine-“
“No… no, you won’t,” now thinking about it, I’ve never seen Grian in any shorts. He has worn t-shirts before, as his front-of-house uniform requires, but he’s never worn shorts… “Grian… this is semi-related, but why have you never worn shorts in front of me… I don’t think anyone has seen you wear shorts…”
Grian attempted to back up, but he hit a wall. I backed up a bit to confront him a bit.
“Has Pearl seen you with shorts? I could ask her-“ I mumbled to myself, thinking out loud.
“Don’t…” his voice rips through the thick tension that was between us,
“Why not-“
“Just don’t…” We sat in silence for a bit, Grian’s eyes pleading with me in ways he never had before.
“I’ll show you, please don’t tell anyone…” he mumbled under his breath as he grabbed the waistband of his pants. What is he trying to show me-
Red lines mark the front and outsides of his thighs, some a fresh eye catching scarlet, others deep maroon that is scabbed. The scars overlap, some deeper than others, some healed, but still living as a reminder of what they used to be.
“Gruesome… right.” Grian forced the words out as he avoided eye contact.
“… how long… how long has this been going on…” I realized I’ve probably stared too long at his scars,
“You don’t have to-“
“Since 8th grade…” Grian pulls his knees up to his chest, still avoiding eye contact.
“Why… why are you doing this, why did you start-“ I stop myself from bombarding him with too many questions, but I love him! Why wouldn’t I want to know what the hell is happening with him?
“What’s going on, Grian…” I say in a hushed voice, Grian looks into my eyes for only a moment,
“…”
“Grian, please…” his eyes get watery as he pulls his knees closer, covering all the damage that has been collected throughout the years.
“I don’t know…” Grian sobs quietly, my shoulders that were once tense, barely avoiding touching my ears, drop down suddenly.
“What do you mean you don’t-”
“I just don’t,” he blurted, shaking the cramped dorm room, “I just don’t… okay, maybe it's the school work, maybe it’s my older brother…” his rambling and breathing quickened as he analyzed every possible reason he could have possibly decided to harm himself instead of anyother coping mechanism.
“Grian…” I softly say, trying to calm Grian a bit
“Maybe it’s the stupid friends who got me-”
“Grian,” He’s sobbing by the time I get him to stop trying to find answers, he is most certainly not in the right place or time to receive, “just… please,” I pause, what do I even say? “I don’t need answers now, I just want to make sure you’re safe…” Please say this is the right answer, please say this was the right answer.
“Ok…” Grian loosens his grip on his knees as I place a hand on his shoulder, “... Scar.”
“What is it?” Grian still avoids eye contact, but slightly leans into my touch.
“Are you going to tell Pearl…”
“Do you want me to?”
“No… “ Grian takes his face out of his knees, “I don’t know if she’s going to tell my mom…”
“Okay,” I take my hand off Grian’s shoulder and get to the edge of the bed, “I’m going to get the first aid kit…” the words mumbled under my breath as I searched for bandages and something to disinfect any semi-fresh ones.
“I'm back,” I sat in front of Grian, his thighs covered by the throw blanket I keep near my desk. As I set the kit down and look towards Grian, the blanket gets hesitantly pulled away from his thighs, like a general calling off his defenses.
I disinfect any cut that may seem easily infected, with every swipe, a light muffled hiss escapes Grian’s mouth. Aside from Grian flinching, the silence deafens us within my room, which no longer feels like my room with the tension thick… It feels like the summer of 2016 or possibly 2018 with fireflies and other insects inhabiting the warm energy of the afternoon. You're opening the room in your grandparents house that your teenage cousins have claimed, but you’re not included because you’re just a kid. Just a young kid…
“… how was your day Scar?” He shifts a bit to adjust his posture to be more straight. “I’m doing good.” the silence floods back in, “how are you doing?” I look up from his knees to his dark brown eyes looking back at mine, “ it was… good”
“Hm…” I know he’s bullshiting me here, I disinfect a few seemingly recent cuts from earlier today. “… today was a bit rough,” his words coming out as a confession as he averts his gaze away from me again. “I just want to rot in the soil of my home town, the same one that held me in every stage I went through…” his eyebrows furrowed as his words eased the tension out of the room, “that would fix me, but I’m cursed by the lingering feeling of my dad”
“What did your dad do?” I soften as Grian looks at me, with a thousand stories in his eyes.
“He just… yells a lot, says how he misses his daughter, tries to make me and my siblings go into his junk-filled house…” he pauses and sighs, “I miss home…”
“…I miss home too,”
“Yeah,” Grian scoots closer to me and leans on my shoulder. I lay down, taking Grian with me. Grian wrapped his arms around me and buried his head into my neck, his eyes seemed to be weighted down by how late it was getting, until he finally dozed off
“Good night, Grian”