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At first, he just knows that he’s hungry. His core programming tells him that when something comes near you, you bite down on it and chew. That’s all there is to life.
But his core programming also tells him to use his inbuilt recording device to store whatever he can hear, even before he really understands that there are things outside the tank, let alone anything they're saying.
“I’m afraid only one of them survived the night.”
“Ugh. What happened to this batch? Is the gene splicing or the cyber implants because -”
“You misunderstand me, Mr. Vox. This one rather undersized male killed the others. I came in this morning and the rest were floating upside down half-eaten. Which is what you get for adding grey nurse to the batch, I suppose..”
“But that’s - amazing. Exactly the type of killer instinct we’re looking for! Where is he?”
“Right here.”
“Hey, little guy!” Something dips into the water and he latches on hard with his teeth. But the texture is rubbery and gross, not like food at all, so he let it go again. “You’re a very special pup!”
The thing withdraws, then returns with another identical thing and pulls him out of the water. Since he didn’t know there was such a place a second ago, he can’t help but flail in panic.
“Sssssh, ssssh, everything’s OK buddy. Are you hungry?” His programming recognises the word ‘hungry’ and also what it means when someone pats him on the head. He finds his tail wagging instead of thrashing. “See, that touch of grey nurse bridges the gap between shark and dog perfectly! He’s exactly what we’ve been working towards!”
“If you say so, Mr. Vox. I still think it’s worth retrying the 5% eel or -”
“Don’t get above yourself, Baxter. I’m in charge and I say when we’ve got it right. And you are so right, little fella! Come on, let’s get you some lunch. You're a growing boy.”
By the end of the day Shock.wav has a name and three whole lunches and Dad says that’s much better than having siblings. Shock.wav never has any reason to doubt it.
***
Dad always says that if Shock.wav needs help and he’s not available, he should call Auntie Vel. “Don’t tell your Uncle Val I said this,” he told him once, “but unless your problem is fitting three bears and a twink into a money shot at the same time you don’t need his skill set. Your Auntie Vel's much more responsible, she'll take care of you if I’m not here.”
Shock.wav doesn’t know what most of that means, but he doesn’t think he agrees. Even dads can be wrong sometimes. He loves Auntie Vel, of course, but Uncle Val is the best uncle in the universe. No other uncle would give him so many glorious treats. And, sure, Dad gives him great food too, but it’s never as interesting as Uncle Val’s. Of course, sometimes Dad doesn’t appreciate his generous gifts.
“Val, it’s chocolate!”
“Sharks can’t have chocolate?”
“He’s part hellhound!”
“Hellhounds can’t have chocolate?”
“I don’t fucking know! That’s why you can’t just give him things without checking!”
“He seems fine to me. Look at him, he’s frisky!”
Shock.wav is fine, except he wants more to eat. Well, he wasn’t the biggest, baddest shark in Hell for nothing. He lunges up out of the water just like the shark in Dad’s favourite movie that he won’t let Shock.wav watch the end of. Before Uncle Val can do more than squeak out an annoyed ‘hey!’ the entire box of churros is in his mouth, chocolate sauce and all.
“Val!”
“Hey, don’t blame me, he stole them! Shock.wav, sweetie, I was eating those!”
Shock.wav does a quick death roll in triumph, then barks his ‘time for dinner’ bark. The only problem with Uncle Val-sized snacks is they’re always gone so fast.
“That’s it,” Dad said, “I’m calling poison control.”
Uncle Val sighs and leans over to scritch him on the head. “I guess you’re right,” he says, “I don’t need the calories anyway. You enjoy them, perrito. Always give in to your appetites.”
He follows Dad out of the panopticon and neither of them come back and give him dinner, which just proves that you should always eat when you get the chance.
***
“Look, Vel, he didn’t mean it!.”
Shock.wav isn’t even slightly sorry. He was hungry and he was bored and the snack he found in Auntie Vel’s workshop was delicious. But Dad nudges him with an elbow so he makes a whimpering noise just like they practiced.
“Vox, you can’t just let him eat my staff wherever he wants!”
“Velvette, she was wearing a meat dress. I don’t care if Lady Gaga did it, I might have eaten her if I hadn’t already had lunch.”
“He’s meant to stay in his tank!”
“I know, but I was working late and Val shot the guy who was meant to give him dinner. He won’t do it again, will you boy?”
Shock.wav wags his tail and makes his eyes big the way Dad taught him until Auntie Velvette sighs.
“His act is about as convincing as yours, but I can’t stay mad at that face. Ask me next time, darling, and I’ll find you someone more unfashionable to eat.”
“Come on, now, back in your tank,” Dad says, “and no more snacks, you’ve had enough for one day.”
Shock.wav tries the eyes on him but Dad just laughs. “That doesn’t work on me when I taught you how to do it, you know.”
When they get back to the tank, though, he throws Shock.wav half a devil fish anyway. "Next time, be smart enough not to get caught. I'll show you tomorrow how to disable the security cameras in the workshop."
Shock.wav zooms lazily around his tank all night, full and happy and knowing that all is right in the world.