Chapter Text
There are many things one might think about when waking up from the equivalent of an alcoholic coma, which you barely remember how it started, and to make matters worse, Jaune didn't even know where he was.
"Ugh... my head..." moaning in agony from the migraine, Jaune tried to lift his hands to his face, but...
Wait... what happened to his hands? What are these weights? As he moved his hands, he realised there were... weights on them... or rather, there were bodies!
Did I sleep in someone's bed? Jaune's thoughts were still a blur, and he hadn't even opened his eyes yet, but he feared what he would find. However, a soft murmur beside him caught his attention.
"Mhm~ nooo~ let me sleep more—"
A GIRL???
Jaune's mind was now racing. Not only had he been partying, but he had apparently brought a girl back to his room?! Was this the confidence his father had talked about? ... Although he couldn't even remember how he got there...
"Mhm—Be quiet, Loveboy." Another murmur on his left caught Jaune's attention again. It turned out that he hadn't brought one, but TWO girls to bed! Damn, why couldn't he remember!
"Shut up, Xiao-Long~ I want to sleep—"
"Tuna~"
Two more voices echoed in the room, but this time they came from—Wait... there was someone on his chest... and he only noticed the weight now... and besides that, there was someone with their head on his lap and hugging his legs... that was... an entire team... and those voices... and Xiao-Lon—
"Shit, shit, shit, shit—"
In a flash, Jaune opened his eyes and found himself facing what he feared.
The entire RWBY team was lying on the same HUGE bed in an unknown place! All of them NAKED!
He lifted his face slightly—trying not to wake the furious Heiress on his chest—From what he could see around the room, clothes, drinks, bags and plates of food and a huge mess that he really didn't want to know about—but he was sure it was Blake's.
His panicked eyes quickly turned to the bed and—
I'm going to die... no, Weiss and Yang won't let me go so easily...
Lying with him were the four girls from Team RWBY, as they came into the world—completely NAKED!
Weiss on his chest was the most blatant, he could feel her bare breasts against his chest better than the others, even though she was the smallest in that department, he could see himself in trouble if he risked looking beyond where her pale skin was visible and her legs were tangled.
Besides... she's really cute and calm sleeping with her hair down like that...
Turning his eyes to the others, who were equally naked, he almost widened his eyes looking at Yang.
The golden-haired fighter's hair was completely messy and tousled, which meant that whatever had happened yesterday, he would be dead for touching it. Not to mention that by far the most comfortable and enormous pillows were hers, capable of covering his entire arm in a pleasant, warm heat against her voluptuous body pressed against his.
Ah... she's drooling... and yet she's still beautiful.
Looking to his left, he almost chuckled softly at Ruby. She was clinging to his body like a koala, her arm draped over Weiss herself. She also seemed to have inherited Yang's genes in recent months, as he was sure they weren't this big when they met almost a year ago. Other than that, she looked as cute as ever.
Her pale skin was strangely contrasting with his more tanned skin and—Right! Let's look less at the youngest of the group!
Jaune tried to avoid the hypocrisy of thinking that after probably sleeping with her. And finally he leaned slightly to look at the brunette of the group and—
Ah... she's a faunus... well, that was nothing new.
Ignoring the fact that it was an open secret to him that Blake was a faun, he looked and quickly averted his gaze from the feline at his feet, as she was by far the most naked of them! While Yang, Weiss, and Ruby at least covered themselves with sheets, Blake was completely naked and curled up in a shell against his leg, her infamous bellabooty raised towards him in all its glory, two huge, soft, pale mounds that—
Ooookaaaay, let's ignore that before—
"Hmm—"
Weiss's angry grumble paralysed the Knight, mainly because he sensed what had upset her. His little friend had woken up and was hitting Weiss's little friend directly, which now that he felt it made him realise that—
Weiss likes to be natural? How ironic coming from her—
However, his train of thought was interrupted when he suddenly felt a muscular arm rise and squeeze his neck in a one-handed rear naked choke, followed by a very angry female voice.
"Jauney-Boy~ what the hell does that mean?"
"GHU-gha! Khhu–Khyaaa! Yan-Giiu!"
Choking in silent panic, Jaune turned his eyes to the fully awake blonde with crimson eyes who was staring at him with burning eyes and swearing his death.
"Less noise Xiao-long–WHAT THE HELL!?" He quickly saw Weiss panic and throw herself backwards, taking the sheet with her.
"Huh?—DAMN IT WEISS!"
Which ended up knocking her and Blake into a tangle of limbs on the bed.
"Uah!? Guys?" And of course, the last one to wake up was Ruby, who was still clutching him and rubbing her eyes, not knowing what had happened.
And Jaune, meanwhile?
"GHU—H-ELP—Khaaaa!"
"Spit it out, Vomit Boy—NOW!"
He was still being choked by the fighter. And that's how I say goodbye to the world.
"YANG! LET HIM GO! HE'S TURNING THE COLOUR OF MY CAPE!" Ruby's scream finally broke the blonde's murderous trance.
Yang released Jaune's neck with a growl, but not before giving him a shove that sent him rolling to the edge of the bed. Jaune collapsed to the floor with a thud, coughing and desperately trying to catch his breath while simultaneously attempting to use a fluffy rug to cover his dignity.
"Someone... explain to me... WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!" Weiss shouted from the other side, wrapped like a burrito in thousand-thread-count silk sheets, her face so red it could rival Yang's.
"I don't know! I just remember us celebrating the Times' victory and... and Yang bringing that bottle with a rose label!" Ruby exclaimed, now hidden behind a pile of pillows, looking like a turtle.
Blake, who until then had been silent, trying to process the fact that she was lying on a pile of empty pizza boxes and sushi leftovers, slowly raised her hand.
"Guys..." her voice sounded hollow.
"What is it, Blake? If you say Jaune planned this, I swear I'll break his other arm!" Yang roared, trying unsuccessfully to fix her hair, which looked like a Nevermore's nest.
"It's not that," Blake pointed to the full-length mirror fixed on the opposite wall of the luxurious (and now destroyed) suite. "Look at our hands."
Silence fell over the room like a Goliath.
Jaune, still trembling on the floor, looked at his left hand. On his ring finger, a gold wedding ring studded with small crystal dust stones sparkled. He glanced to the side. Weiss had an identical one. Ruby too. Blake and Yang? Equally marked.
"We... we all...?" Jaune stammered, panic reaching a new level.
"Don't tell me we got married in a drunken polyamorous mess at VALE?!" Weiss nearly had an aneurysm. "That's illegal! It's scandalous! It's... it's technically a logistical nightmare for anyone in the Schnee family!
"Forget the wedding for a second!" Ruby pointed to the corner of the room. "Why is Zwei sleeping in the bathtub? And where's my Crescent Rose?!"
It was then that the sound of a notification echoed through the room. Jaune's Scroll, thrown on top of a broken lamp, lit up with a video message.
With trembling hands, Jaune reached for the device. Team RWBY huddled around him (keeping a safe and decorous distance, still wrapped in sheets).
The video begins with a blurry image of Yang laughing hysterically, holding a bottle of some unrecognisable drink in the video quality, while Blake, in the background, tried to race her on a cleaning trolley.
"RECORD THIS, JAUNE!" Yang's voice shouted in the video. "No one will believe we got Glynda's autograph on the back of—"
The video cut abruptly to a black and white blur, followed by Jaune shouting, "QUICK! REN AND NORA WILL KILL US IF THEY FIND OUT WE LOST PYRRAH!"
And so the video ended.
Jaune looked at the four girls, who now stared back at him with expressions ranging from pure horror to absolute rage.
"Have we lost Pyrrha?" Ruby asked in a thin voice.
"And where are Ren and Nora?" Blake added, noticing for the first time that the other two members of Team JNPR were nowhere to be found.
Jaune felt a cold sweat run down his spine. He looked at the ring, at the destroyed room, at the dog in the bathtub, and finally at the window. They weren't at Beacon. They weren't even in their dorms. Judging by the poor architecture compared to the Academy, he was in some random motel in the valley.
"Guys..." Jaune swallowed hard. "I think the wedding is the least of our problems."
At that moment, the door to the room was kicked in. It wasn't someone they knew, but a tired-looking caretaker holding a bill that looked as long as a roll of toilet paper.
"Awake, lovebirds?" the man said dismissively. "By the way, the shipyard wants to know when you plan to return the whips you 'borrowed' last night."
Yang closed her eyes and took a deep breath, her fists burning.
"Jaune?"
"Y-yes, Yang?"
"If we survive today... I'm going to kill you."
"I don't think you'll be the only one, Yang..."
And so, Jaune found himself at the beginning of a chaotic married life in his first year at Beacon...