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In my past, I had suffered through horrors beyond comprehension for many. One particular horror that, to this day, has left me with the inability to eat… flesh.
That flesh, whether it be soft and tender, spongy or cooked rough… to me, the sensation would always have me asking where it came from, and in that hellish arena… I knew exactly where it did.
Here, in this world, and I assume many, eating flesh is fairly common. That must be why Tom and Maddie were adamant that I partake, but with each solitary chew, I always found myself getting sicker and sicker. The smells, the sensations, and the thoughts of where these things came from were overwhelming to me.
After each meal I spent with my new family, my next destination would be the bathroom, where I could privately expel what had just come in.
Today… I was not very quick.
Sonic had stopped me, likely to comment on some odd thing he saw today, Tails excitedly stood beside him, adding a comment or two… but I could not be bothered to listen. As they both spoke, a fever swelled up inside me, creating an ache that collected in my stomach.
That ache was no different to what I might feel in that hellish arena. I would watch those that I fought, knowing that if and when they would inevitably lose to me… my captors would find another use for them. Throwing their remains at me on a rusted platter… not even bothering to cook.
I tried my best not to eat. I knew better. But that pain in my stomach was unbearable at one moment, and I ate through the nausea, the sensations and the smells. On some days like this one, I just couldn’t take it.
I felt the clear signs, making my heart beat faster. Piles of saliva collected in my mouth, I tried to swallow it back, but this attack was relentless, only adding on to my panic. I tried to gulp air subtly, as if it could push down what I felt was coming up. That fever became a sweltering heat.
In that cell, I would try to push back this temperature as well , but just as in that moment, a vision of my last meal came forth and I could not hold back.
Before Sonic could finish his speech, my stomach gave an awful heave, and though I tried to hold back, I could not help but expel what had just been given to me. That sound… my stomach’s contents hitting the floor, even in my past I would try to avoid it. Most were expected to keep their cells clean, so even in that place of torment, I felt shame for something so simple. The horrified gasps of Tom and Maddie, and the frantic chattering of my new brothers added onto this shame. Especially since I knew that this was only the beginning.
As my stomach continued to twist painfully, Sonic and Tails were sent off with Tom to find something to heal my stomach… or… I assumed that’s what it must be. Maddie is a healer for animals, and the way she spoke of ginger ale… would unearth long past memories of the healers I might go to in my early youth. I hoped that this ginger ale tasted better than the herbs I was given. I knew that they were meant to help, but I still held unpleasant memories of those times when I was ill.
With Maddie by my side, bending my body over the toilet bowl, holding back my dreads as my stomach continued to push that flesh out… my feelings were rather mixed. I still felt that blanket of pain, that each memory with those herbs held, but just like those early memories, Maddie would stroke my fur and speak quietly to me… I could never hear or remember what she said however. My whole self was too blanketed by shame. That I had ruined a happy memory, injecting it with fear, all because I couldn’t do what others could without a single twitch in their eye.
When it came to flesh… I just think too much.
At some point, once my stomach began to settle, I heard Maddie muttering to herself, wondering what she did wrong that might have made me sick. Did I check the expiration date? How long did I cook the chicken for? Does he have a fever? I could not stand to see her so guilty, so… through that sour taste in my mouth. I spoke my true feelings.
Despite what may come to mind when you first see me…
“I cannot eat meat.”
Maddie was taken aback by my words. Of course, the first thing that came to mind was my species.
“I guess echidnas are more like opportunistic carnivores.”
But that wasn’t what I meant.
It wasn’t just the taste, I told her, it was the whole sensation. The biting and the chewing were satisfying to most. To me, I could only think of how their flesh made contact with my fists, and now, they continued to lose that battle with my teeth. A level of shame, continuing on, even after death
The explosion of flavors were tasty to most. To me, I could not help but taste the blood, the mucus, and the rot they would send me when they were in a mood to see me suffer. Once again, the shame I felt, knowing that the only way I could survive was to entertain, even in my privacy.
A… barbecue… was a nice family affair to most, but I would try to avoid that pink flesh before it hit the grill. The sound of the sizzling, sent chills through my fur, and another subtle shake of my stomach. A precursor to what would inevitably happen at my next meal.
To me, a meal meant so much more.
When it came to flesh… I just think too much.
Hearing me pour out my feelings, or whatever she could hear through my body’s painful heaving, the huffing, puffing and my sobbing, Maddie sat and listened. She told me, that I did not have to eat flesh in order to be included in their familial rituals… and I could not be more relieved.
Once my stomach settled more, we sat beside the toilet bowl, and she told me of soups and salads, pastas and rich grains… in this world, there were many options. I did not have to suffer anymore, and I did not have to have some other creature suffer for my supposed gain either.
I could never express in words, the peace that I felt afterward.
My sighs blowing through, told Maddie more than enough.
There was also another conversation… of what others could eat around me. I did not want to disrupt this family’s traditions any further than I might have. She at least told me that she might eat with me… so I did not have to be alone. I told her that she need not sacrifice for me, but she stressed so much, that this action was so simple for her, she could not call it a sacrifice.
A family eats together.
So as my family… that is exactly what she planned to do.
Tom, and my two brothers arrived, but I still felt most shameful about what had happened that night, so I locked myself in that bathroom, still anxiously waiting by the door. I heard Maddie redirect any worries related to me, and I heard her give a brief, quiet explanation of my struggles to Tom. Hearing her relay them seemed to add on to the shame. Flashes of what our dining room floor might still look like added even further. Tom had offered to clean up while Maddie stayed with me, fed me the ginger ale and we waited until I felt better.
I did not for a while.
Over time, my thoughts just kept surrounding the shame I felt tonight, attaching to the shame of my cell, attaching to the shame of my meals, and my stomach would heave as if those fleshy morsels had made it through my body.
I told Maddie what was happening, and she gave me what she called grounding techniques. When I was sick, and my healer might care for me, I would often hear them speak in a similar manner. Some would come to them, saying that even though they laid to sleep in their hut, their bodies felt as if they were still caught in the throes of battle. I had explained to Maddie what I knew of this technique, and why others tended to do it… and out came another bout of shame. My situation felt so simple by comparison, but Maddie reassured me that it wasn’t the experience itself we were judging, but how I felt in the moment.
As I sobbed into her shirt, recounting these shameful memories, she would tell me things that might reassure me that I was not there anymore. I touched the floor, and noted how cold it was, how pretty the repetitive patterns looked, and for all I knew, it was certainly the bathroom in my home. My hands touched the fabric of Maddie’s shirt, and I was sure she was sitting right beside me. I never saw her in that place, so it was obvious I wasn’t there. In my ears, I heard Sonic and Tails, speaking casually as they helped Tom, and instead of the shame of the events tonight, I felt comfort knowing that I was surrounded by family.
Maddie told me it might be a while before I felt that these grounding techniques were working, but in the end, all I had to do was keep at it, and eventually I might not feel the need for them.
I still did not want others to change their behaviors for me, but I could not think of a way to eat peacefully around flesh. Maddie thought that therapy might help, but until then, we could eat together elsewhere, and perhaps Tom would have to cook for a while. There could even be a discussion with the others on if they wanted to join us.
Tails was always open to new things, but Sonic was particularly sensitive to new tastes. Maddie believed it might be a battle in its own right to sway their appetites, which is where I reassured her that they need not change so much. It already meant so much to me that we could eat together, and after this talk… for the first time in years… I was excited to eat.
Once again, before I felt I could leave that toilet bowl, Maddie reassured me that I did not have to feel shame. That if I had any worries, I might share them with her or Tom… or that I could write about them privately, which is where we have come to today.
I could not eat flesh.
The biting and the chewing, that flesh, tastelessly brewing inside of me brought comfort to others, but never to myself.
The explosion of flavors. what others might savor, must be heavenly to others, to me, I could not wait to banish.
The sensations were sickening, the first shake, my heart quickening, my pace would follow to the beat of my mortal drum, but today, I was not successful.
Thanks to my family, in particular, my mother, sat close to me, I could walk amongst the others with my head stood tall.
I could not eat flesh, a favorite pastime to guests, to me, it was my biggest shame, but to others… it was only a fact… no different than my name.
—Knuckles