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i’m going in today, i’m going in today, i’m going in today. “no i’m not going in” is the answer louis gives amanda before turning to face the wall. its 6:45am, that leaves him 15 minutes to wake up, 15 minutes to shower, 15 to get dressed and 15 to eat breakfast.
all he has to do is swing his legs over the side of his bed, walk to the bathroom and get on with his day.
none of that will happen though, louis will get his phone and read for the first 15, instead of showering he’ll text his friends, he wont get dressed he will doom scroll through twitter and he definitely wont eat breakfast because when has he ever eaten breakfast.
louis isn’t sure why he doesn’t go to school, he isn’t sure why he sits at the side during assembly, he isn’t sure why he’s constantly getting shouted at by amanda and his dad.
what he is sure about is that next week he picks his gcse options and he hasn’t done a full week of school since year 8.
he’s also sure of said options, louis wants to do photography and i media so he can pursue his dream of being a concert photographer, history or sociology so he can study law at college if photography isn’t the right fit for him and spanish because for some reason his family always goes to spain.
its early february, 6 weeks since christmas, 6 weeks since he refused to go to leeds to spend the holidays with his family, 6 weeks since every family tradition was ruined.
“c’mon lou, you haven’t been in school since december, you’re going to fall behind and ruin your future” what future? louis thinks to himself, he isn’t even sure he’s going to make it to his 14th birthday let alone his 21st.
“your student support manager is doing all she can” amanda continues to talk clearly not noticing louis’ discomfort of this topic, “they’ve reduced your timetable and given you lessons in the TLC. they cant do anymore louis, you need to go in!”
“i cant alright, i want to but i cant! i want to see my friends, i want to do my classes and learn, but i just cant do it.” he doesn’t have a reason to why he cant go to school, he racked his brain and nothing makes sense.
theres only one person he feels comfortable enough to talk too honestly about this subject, harry. louis loves harry. they’re best friends. louis has been hopelessly in love with him for 2 years, ever since he walked into his form room on the first day of year 7 and saw the curly haired boy hunched over a book with his blazer buttoned up even though the science labs are like 100 degrees.
harry: lou, why aren’t you ever in?
louis never would of normally answered this question, but he trusts harry. he trusts harry so much. school has always been a hard topic for louis but fuck it he’s in love.
louis: im still not sure, theres one reason but it makes me so uncomfortable i havent even said it aloud to myself yet or typed it. but i just hate it so much there, i love seeing everyone but i just cant be there.
ever since louis got his autism diagnosis he thought it would get easier, he thought the school would know how to deal with him better.
he thought they would take him off those melatonin gummies he kept trying to overdose on with the hope he wouldn’t wake up in the morning. (he did wake up, with a killer headache that led to him crying on the bathroom floor for half an hour after being sick).
it didn’t get easier though, it got worse. safe dates were becoming less and less safe, he distanced himself from everyone but harry, he didn’t leave his bedroom, he didnt change clothes and barely showed.
harry: lou, whats going on? you haven’t left your room in months, im worried about you.
once again his love for harry got the better of him.
louis: before i actually go into it i just wanna say you’re the first person ive even mentioned this too
for the next hour louis spills his guts to harry, everything he’s scared of, everything he’s insecure about harry knows.
louis: there is more to it but i think whatever you’re thinking is probably right. i always overthink it and freak out even tho its never as bad as i imagine.
harry: i know you probably get told this by everyone but i promise you it will get better and you will be able to do the things you love again as much as it feels like it'll go on forever and that its trapping you, you're so strong and will get through this i know you will.
louis: talk tomorrow harry, i love you x
harry: talk tomorrow louis, i love you x
that night louis goes to sleep with a smile on his face, he has nothing to hide from harry anymore.