Chapter Text
I’d wait for all the dark clouds bursting in the perfect sky
You promised me when you said goodbye
That you’d return when the storm was done
And now I wait for the light, I wait for the sun
Till I feel your… rain.
“Rain” by Madonna
“That feeling, I just…” Better late than never, right? Nancy thinks to herself, thinking about how she always used to put high walls up. Never let anyone see the vulnerability, the soft core, never let them think there could ever be weak spots for them to penetrate through, “I needed space,” It comes out breathy, she doesn’t care.
“Space to be with someone else?” A sad quirk of his brow, it cuts at Nancy’s heart, sharp and painful, yet shallow. The thought in itself makes her even sadder.
She used to love Jonathan. She still does, probably more than she’s ever loved anyone, apart from Mike and Holly. She’s even sadder knowing she doesn’t love him the way she used to, anymore.
His question pushes the walls even further down. Now — there’s a difference between not putting walls up, and being cruel.
His question makes bright blue eyes blur her vision, dirty blonde bangs threatening to fall in. The eyes crinkle, cheekbones making them squint as they shake lightly with laughter that fills her ears like an echo. She feels like she’s reliving a memory, but the laughter fades away, and so do the eyes, her own focusing on Jonathan’s sad and tired face.
Her bottom lip threatens to wobble. She casts her gaze downward, biting both of her lips to make them stop trembling. She knows who he thinks might replace him, and even though he’s in the wrong, she still doesn’t want to hurt him with the complete truth.
“Steve’s a good guy,” She settles on saying, her voice a little higher than before, yet that’s better than fully crying, “He makes me laugh,” Steve’s laughing face now morphs before her eyes. It feels like a goodbye, “It was never like that with him,” The face vanishes, and she looks up at Jonathan again, “We’re just, different people.”
It breaks her heart a little, that possibly the last words she says to Jonathan will not be the full truth. She wonders if he deserves better, at least for the end. Wonders if he would be sadder thinking he wasn’t enough because of who he was, or that he wasn’t enough compared to someone else. Wonders what he’s thinking so she can choose the least painful option.
It seems to have been a good call, or at least by the slight crinkle in his eyes. She thinks it’s enough. At least she gets to talk to him one last time knowing it’s the last. She wishes she had such a chance with others too.
She wishes she could tell Steve he rocked her world, too. He made her step outside of her box, even if she lost herself for a while trying to fit in. She learned never to change for the sake of others.
She wishes she could hug Mike tightly, for all the years they had never. The reasons, she doesn’t know what they are now. But she wants to hug her baby brother.
She also wants to tell her baby sister that she’s going to be okay. That they were going to get her, that she has to hold on for just a little more, and that then they will protect her so much she will never have to be scared ever again.
She wants to tell Lucas and Dustin to take care of each other, to never part ways. To not give up on Max, and to Max to not stop fighting to come back to them. She wants to tell El that one day, she will have a chance to finally live a normal life and be treated the way she deserves.
She also wants to tell her mom to leave her dad, something she never dared even think. It nearly brings a sobbing laugh to her mouth.
The goo reaches the top of the table. This is it, she thinks. In her final moments, she lets her eyes close and think about the girl her whole heart wants. She lets herself say goodbye to her, even if it’s just in her head.
Her quirky aura when El flipped the car at the mall, the first time she met her. She knew who she was, they went to the same school, yet somehow never had classes together. Nancy nearly didn’t recognize her in that stupid uniform. She felt a strange sensation, resembling annoyance, tingle down her spine, down her legs as soon as the Robin talked to her.
The library search. She thought she couldn’t stand her, thought she was dating Steve. It made her nauseous. She didn’t even want Steve back, didn’t even like him anymore, but still couldn’t stand the thought of them being together.
Relief, however small, when Robin said they were platonic with a capital P. She wanted to believe her. She saw for herself later that day. Nausea was replaced by tingling again. It confused her.
Then there were these little looks and gestures that amplified the tingling, spreading it from her spine to her stomach and legs and arms and fingers… Like when Robin would crouch on her knees to help her climb up the rope through the ceiling of Eddie’s trailer, or when she would sidle up to Nancy’s side, nearly having run into her.
Nancy swiped the tingling under the carpet back then, they had so much more pressing matters at hand. Even when Robin would, ever obediently, listen to her with a little salute and follow her up the creepy stairs of the Creel house.
After it was over, for a little while at least, and there was not a sense of impending doom of the next minute anymore (but of maybe tomorrow), and after Nancy managed to get at least six hours of consecutive sleep, the rug was rolled up and the tingling was back.
Nancy had always prided herself for her no-bullshit attitude. She confronted the truth, never hid from it, never backed away, never cut corners around it. But in this instance, she wished she could. Try as she might to convince herself in the opposite, but she finally knew what that tingling was about. She hated how head-on it came to her, raw and unforgiving, leaving no room for doubt.
For months, she would sit on her bed late at night, the strands of her own hair woven between her fingers as she pulled at them, wishing that she could just believe she was jealous of Robin, about whatever. Being close to Steve, she wanted to suspect they were together but knew it was bullshit. She wanted to envy her, for seeming way cooler than Nancy would ever be, for being easy-going, for literally anything, Nancy would be happy with.
Hot tears would stream down her cheeks, dripping on the cotton of her pajamas covering her knees as she hugged them. She didn’t want to feel this way. Her dad, the whole world would tell her how wrong it was what she was feeling, that it was sick. She could kiss her career goodbye, if she even had a chance at one. She would never fit into a single mold of the men that her career would inevitably be in hands of. She would never make anyone proud, never do any good.
Yet, when during the day, her mind played the snippets of her imagination behind her eyelids, she couldn’t bring herself to find any wrong in it. It was usually something simple, like Robin working the counter at Family Video, or Scoops Ahoy, just standing there. Or lounging during their movie nights, planning their next mission, chewing on her pen, and Nancy’s mind would replay those to get her to appreciate the details of her face, of her stance…
And sometimes, it would conjure something innocent but that had never happened. Like Robin running on some grass, grinning wide at Nancy over her shoulder, carefree and happy, the blue of her eyes glinting under the summer sun. Sometimes she would imagine touching Robin’s face, counting the freckles on it, tracing the curve of her nose, brushing back her hair. Imagined how Robin’s touch would feel on her own face, or her arm, in her hair. It was always something intimate that would bloom like a flower in her chest, spreading warmth.
There was never any way for her to see any wrong in it.
After the third month of sleepless nights alternating with crying herself to sleep, gripping at her head, punching her pillows, and general neglect of her emotional and, sometimes, even physiological needs, Nancy came to her senses.
Nancy thought back to the time she got the internship at The Hawkins post. Her dad had scoffed at the news, asked Why would you want to work? with a furrow to his brows. To her Because it’s something I like, I wanna try it, he rolled his eyes. The underlining was there, without a doubt - her conservative dad didn’t want her to work. It wasn’t the first time and it certainly wasn’t the last that he hinted he expected her to marry soon after high school and settle down for a decent man with a good job or a rich family. Anger and spite swirled hot inside her back then and haven’t yet ceased.
While the men at Hawkins post made the job unbearable and her every day miserable, she wanted to prove everyone wrong. She wanted to build a life for her future self, brick by brick, no matter how much sweat it took. She wouldn’t call that instance a particularly mission successful, but it was a start.
Why would she have to conform to societal standards? Who should get to say what she was to do? Who should have the right? Who should get to choose what was wrong and sick?
Nancy was aware her whole life would get ten times harder, but it didn’t have to right away. Not everyone needed to know. For a start, it was enough that she admitted what she was feeling, at least to herself. Somehow, that was harder than the fact that she had been distancing herself from Jonathan ever since he came back from California. The Byers now lived with them. One would think having Jonathan living with her would draw them closer, but it only made her feel like an impostor in her own home.
He’d tried approaching her on a few occasions, but even then, it felt like he did it out of an obligation. Thinking back, Nancy wished she had set both of them free long ago. She wished she didn’t keep him just as a safety net, the one thing tying her to social acceptance that she refused to let go of. Even if her thoughts were no longer consumed by him, but by another. For a year and a half, she hadn’t been his, and he wasn’t hers. Even if she loved him still, dearly, the spark was long dead.
After the fifth month, Nancy started accepting herself. This new discovery no longer felt foreign, alien, but more like a part of her. A piece that had been locked out for nineteen years, and has now integrated itself into her system, refusing to budge even if the organism detected is as viral infection, until it didn’t. Until Nancy finally felt like herself in her own body again. Like her limbs were hers again, her thoughts her own, and no longer like there was a genetic mistake written into her.
She started accepting it, silently, slowly. Day by day, without a hurry, away from the prying eyes and without pressure. It was her little secret. No one needed to know before she was ready, no one could hurt her. She was in her own little balloon.
After the seventh month, she came to terms with being bisexual. She picked the term up from an article about David Bowie, broadcast on television late at night. She couldn’t sleep, the house was quiet, and she lounged in her dad’s chair in front of the TV. She was half-asleep in it when the words registered. And after that, it felt like a final piece of the puzzle was fit into place. She finally had a feeling she knew who she was again. She dozed off with a relieved sigh.
With one chapter closed, the next opened - Robin wouldn’t leave her mind alone.
After a year, she realized it was never about irritation, or jealousy, or envy. She had a crush on Robin, in a magnifying, consuming, yet soft way she never felt towards Steve or Jonathan. It felt wrong to compare her to them. It felt like comparing completely different entities - unimaginable.
After fourteen months, she knew she had fallen for Robin. She had fallen for the way she gestured with her hands, their dexterousness, for the rasp of her voice when she hosted a radio program, for her idiotic teenage jokes, for her clumsiness, for her encyclopedic random fact knowledge, and for all the other details about her that Nancy absorbed into her memory over the course of the last year.
Robin consumed her every thought, but every time she hoped for a timeline where they could be together, her shoulders would scrunch up to her ears, cold sweat enveloping her. She was lightyears away from actually doing something about it. For now, sitting on a knowledge of naming her feelings was enough.
After eighteen months, Nancy was ready to snap like a twig. She could no longer contain the intensity of her emotions within her. She wanted Robin beyond any measure, beyond any normal concept. She wanted Robin to consume her whole, to vanish into her.
One night, she decided that after all of this was done, to first break up with Jonathan. They relied heavily on each other during the crawls, and she didn’t want to endanger anyone with such a sudden change. Even if they had been broken up for a year now, and words would only make it official. She couldn’t tell the last time they kissed, the last time they had actually talked, spent quality time together. She had checked out, and she felt like he was close to it too. Something kept him from doing so, in his own, twisted way, with his own problems that she knew nothing about. It didn’t mean it took away the guilt of having emotionally cheated on him this entire time.
But most importantly, she told herself that she would tell Robin. That she would take that leap of faith if only there was at least a singular sign that Robin could like her back. Just one sign that Robin… was wired in the same way as her.
A wobbly smile tugged at her lips, tears falling, feeling the table shake beneath her as the goo started swallowing it. Her brain played the saddest vision in what she thought were her last moments before she drowned.
Her and Will, stepping out of Max’s room to get a soda, spotting Robin down the hall, rounding a corner. They follow her blindly, and Nancy recognizes her laughter as they reach a patient room.
The door ajar enough to see Robin clearly, stroking a girl’s arm, sharing the same breath with her with a huge grin on her face. Vickie Dunne, Nancy recognizes her from school. For a second, Nancy’s world turns brighter, in technicolor, filled with hope that Robin is like her. That she also likes girls.
The illusion comes crashing down to the pits of hell (or, well, maybe the Upside Down), as she realizes she’s kissing Vickie Dunne. Vickie Dunne and not her. Her heart drops to her stomach, then further down to her feet and shatters to pieces as she realizes she’s too late. That she has to watch the girl she likes desperately, kiss someone else.
There’s a loud bang and sizzling and then she’s being tugged so harshly her arm nearly rips from her torso. Will is pulling her fast down the corridor, then rounding the corner before she can even come to her senses.
More tears spring to Nancy’s eyes, her arms becoming weak and she weakly dropped the ring from between her fingers.
The clang echoes in the room. Snaps her out of her trance after a few seconds, the sound so misplaced. Her head snaps up too, blinking away the tears and sharing a shocked look with Jonathan.
They look around frantically, heads snapping every which way, and she can’t feel the table wobble anymore. The ring sits atop the goo, solidly, and she eyes it incredulously. Her fingertips touch the solid blue matter, knocks her knuckles against it. Pushes at it.
By some miracle, the goo has frozen. She stands up, stepped beside the ring, and laughs out in shock.
Through relief, and a sense of newfound hope, she searches with Jonathan for a new way out, and can’t help but feel just a tiny bit giddy at the prospect of getting to see Robin again. Snippets of imagination, of hugging Robin as soon as she gets out of here, keep her searching a bit harder, thinking of her before anyone else came to her mind.
——
Watching Holly disappear before her eyes, again, washes any giddiness off Nancy. She should be happy her sister is at least still alive, yet there’s only so much hope she can muster after hearing Holly scream her way to the heights of the sky.
She’s nearly catatonic by the time the others meet them outside the lab. She promises herself she will hug Mike later, though. She catches sight of Robin, a big bruise across the right side of her face visible even in the dark of the Upside Down. She pushes the flicker of worry down, knowing there were so much worse ways to get hurt right now.
——
She hugs Max and kisses her cheeks and forehead even as the girl protests weakly. Nancy decides this couldn’t wait.
Walking back to the Squawk, Nancy can’t help but steal glances at Robin. She walks alongside Lucas who’s pushing Max’s wheelchair, all long limbs, messy hair and layered clothes. Behind Nancy, Dustin promises the others to explain everything once they’re back, so everyone shifts their attention to her and Jonathan. Their expressions are just as confused as to how they even survived.
She also notices Vickie’s sudden presence, a little out of place and definitely in shock. Nancy wonders how she ended up sucked into this. She wonders if someone other than her and Will knows about her and Robin. Selfishly, she hopes not, and tries to pass by the guilt of wanting to tear them apart.
That is, if at the end of this, they make it out alive.
——
There’s a whole ton of guilt pressing on Nancy’s chest at her selfishness.
They’re at the Squawk, and while everyone’s trying to prepare themselves for the final battle, both mentally and physically, she couldn’t stop thinking about the ways to get Robin alone. She just wishes she does not have to wait any longer.
Because what if the plan doesn’t work out? What if their theory’s incorrect? What if, God forbid, one of them, actually dies in the process? When she thought she was dying at the lab, all she could think about was how she never got the chance to say goodbye. How she didn’t get the chance to say she loved the people she loved and confess the feelings that should be and are so beautiful.
She feels like she’s wasting an opportunity. But at the same time, she doesn’t want to jinx it. Doesn’t want to say anything prematurely when she should be believing tomorrow will come.
She decides she needs to believe.
(She hugs Mike tightly, thought. He doesn’t even question it, just hugs her back.)
——
In the end, everything’s back to normal, and yet none of them will be the same again. Hawkins will forever remember the natural catastrophes, and the group will forever be haunted by the horrible truths behind them.
Emmerson was waiting, her way out. In a few months’ time she will be on her way to Boston, starting a new life and getting the chance to forget this nightmare.
Fear ebbed its way to the promise she once made to herself. Was it all in her head? Were Robin’s supposed signals just a product of her delusion? Was Nancy reading into this too hard? Was it just a crush that could go away with time and she was thinking about this for nothing? Is she willing to separate a couple, even if she isn’t sure if she’s developing feelings for Robin, or if she’s already fallen for her?
Does Nancy deserve what she could get after doing something so terrible? It’s been her excuse for two months now for not doing anything.
She thinks about Vickie. Even though she despises the girl for getting to be with Robin, she wonders if she could be that girl. A girl that would wreck everything apart, that would bring chaos and sorrow and end someone’s happiness.
Nancy didn’t know Vickie, not personally at least. But she remembers how she felt throughout her relationship with Steve. Girls would throw themselves at his feet and Nancy questioned every day if some girl Steve used to be secretly in love with would show up and take the boy she was falling for.
She never wanted to be the cause of something so cruel.
And what does Nancy know about them in the first place? She doesn’t even know how long they’ve been dating. Do they love each other? Dread fills Nancy at that question.
Would it be worth it? If by some small chance they did end up together, what would happen in a few months? God, Nancy didn’t even know what Robin’s plans for college were, if she had any. She only knew she didn’t want to be stuck here forever, but would that mean she would follow Nancy to Boston? Could Nancy ever ask something like that from her? Could she bear the responsibility of knowing someone uprooted their life to accommodate themselves to her?
Could she ever detangle herself from the way she’d been raised either? The dream that has been put on her - the white picket fence in the suburbs, a handsome husband, two kids, a steady income. What would her parents say if by the age of thirty she was still living with her ‘roommate’? God, what if they found out while she was still in college and refused to pay for tuition?
For two months, she reasoned that there was too much at stake. Too many ethical questions and too many risky what ifs. And every time the rational within her would calm down, the reason she was thinking everything over resurfaced.
Blue eyes and freckled cheeks would blur her vision, a faint sound of Robin’s laughter fill her ears, and her heart would dance in a bit happier rhythm. A lopsided grin stretching her face despite her greatest efforts to push it down.
She was falling for Robin, rapidly. And the more she fell, the more she yearned to reach out for her, to hug her waist, to push back the bangs from her face, to trace the edge of her lips with her fingertip then kiss them soundly. The more she fell, the more her heart squeezed, choking her for not being able to be granted its wish.
Nancy wanted to bury the prissy side of her everyone used to know, the one that kept her from letting her heart beat freely. She wanted to become the fearless side that would take over when they fought the monsters.
Fueled by accumulated frustration, anger at herself for being so goddamn scared, she grabs the keys to her car and bolts down the stairs before it’s too late to make her last promise happen.
Blood runs hot in her veins as she grips the steering wheel, the thrumming of the engine steady beneath her feet as music plays off the speaker.
“You were listening to I just died in your arms by Cutting Crew, one of my new favorites, if I may add…”
Robin’s raspy radio-host voice snaps Nancy from her thoughts, the sound spilling into the car from her crinkling stereo. The corner of Nancy’s mouth itches upwards, the tingling intensifying at the thought of getting to see the owner of that voice in mere minutes.
In mere minutes, it echoes in her mind, making her slightly nauseous, palms sweating and heart thundering in her ears.
You fought a psychic psychopath in another dimension and saved the world as we know it, you can tell a girl you like her, her mind scolds her. She grips the wheel tighter and forces herself not to floor the gas.
She parks the car just like she used to do for months while they were hiding in the basement of the Squawk. After everything, the gang still occasionally gathers up here.
Robin and Steve still work the station. Very little people have come back to Hawkins even after the gates were closed, so it wasn’t like people were competing for the job. Although it’s filled with bad memories, hiding from the military, and the tower where they nearly died, Robin and Steve still enjoy the job more than any other before (which wasn’t very hard to beat).
She opens the door, her legs leading her to the DJ booth. She can see Steve fiddling with the cassettes and Robin sitting in her chair, preparing a record. The glare of the glass keeps her hidden until she’s by to the door, Steve spots her first while Robin has her back to her.
Steve’s brows immediately knit, Nancy isn’t the kind to drop in mid-shift.
“Hey Nance, what are you doing here?” Steve speaks, making Robin whip around in her seat, smiling wide before she takes her in. Robin’s smile dims a little, brows furrowing as she undoubtedly senses Nancy’s inner tension.
Nancy’s eyes flick between the two. She realizes she hasn’t really thought of Steve being here. She hasn’t thought about a lot of things, apparently, swallowing what felt like rocks down her throat.
“Robin can I talk to you for a moment?” She rushes the words out.
It visibly throws them both off, panic flares hotter through Nancy.
“Uhm, sure” Robin blinks. Probably sensing that whatever Nancy has to talk about would not take just a moment, she adds, “Just, give me a sec,” She fiddles with the records, putting a new one on the place and retrieved three more from the shelves, “Just put these on after.”
Steve looks confused, left to deal with what’s always Robin’s job, but nods mutely. Steve was always like that, even when curious, he would somehow sense when it was smartest to keep off.
Robin nods carefully at her, so Nancy spins on her heel and walks swiftly to the basement, listening to Robin’s footsteps follow her close behind. Descending, she thinks about the small kitchen as they pass it by, a memory from months ago on her mind.
It was the same day Nancy saw Robin kiss Vickie at the hospital. She was looking for a snack, literally anything with a nutrient score, to suffice as a faux meal, crouching down as she rummaged through a box. She heard the water run through the tap but paid no mind.
“Hey!” Robin said so abruptly it nearly sent her flying backwards on her ass, the reflex grip on the table beside her saving her from the small fall, “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”
Robin’s voice sounded nervous and she could feel one of her rambles incoming. She stood up and faced her, box of cookies in hand, “No worries.”
“Were you at the hospital, earlier?” She asked right away.
Panic flared through Nancy, a blush forming at the base of her neck. Her instinct told her to lie, yet she caught herself at the last moment, realizing there was no reason to, “Y-Yeah, why?”
She could hear the panic in her own voice. Robin didn’t seem to, though, she looked even more panicked than her, “Oh! Great, uhm, Max, right? Yeah, I know, you guys went to visit her. Uh, I meant like, uh, were you with Will? In, uh, yeah — with Will?”
“Uuuh, I was in the room with him? With Lucas and Mike as well,” Now that sounded a little more sure. Also because she wasn’t lying.
“Of course! Yeah! What I meant to ask was like, uh. See, I have, a friend! She… was injured, during well, everything. A friend from band! Well, maybe not a friend, more like an aquaitance, but- nevermind. She wasn’t in the hospital, like, a hallway or two down where Max’s room is, and I went to see her after seeing Max. And well, you see, once I got out of the room with, uh, this other friend of mine, Vickie… You know Vickie, yeah! She was with me. Visiting. Yeah, so, when we got out of my friend’s room, I thought I saw you, like running?”
“Running?” Аn attempt at being nonchalant, though she could hear her own voice pitch.
“Uh-huh,” Robin’s voice was a little pitched as well, “With Will, even. I mean, I first noticed the bowl-cut and thought, he’s the only kid I know now wears the bowl-cut, and then, uh, I saw you? Or at least I think. There was a mess of curls, could’ve been anyone really. Not that I think your hair is messy! I think it looks great, even- not the point. And uh, why would you be running, right?”
“Right,” Nancy repeated firmly, then thought fast, “Uh, no, must’ve been someone else,” She grinned weakly.
Nancy nearly forgot about that conversation for a while. It only started coming back to her once the whole catastrophe was over. And as she reaches the basement of the Squawk with Robin in tow, it’s all she can think about.
“Nance, is everything alright? You looked kinda pale up there. Are you okay? Are the night-terrors back?” Robin lists in concern as she reaches the bottom of the stairs, and Nancy spins to face her.
“I lied,” She blurts out, barely having listened to what Robin’s been saying. She can’t look into her eyes, squeezing them shut momentarily, trying to convince herself she isn’t making a huge mistake by coming here in the middle of her shift. God, she was so inconsiderate.
“Lied about what?”
She dares to look up at Robin. She has a dark blue hoodie on, her hair slightly longer, yet still in a bob. Her head tilted slightly, her gaze searching for answers in Nancy’s silence. The crease in her brows and forehead hold confusion, but most of all — worry.
“Nancy, you’re scaring me a little,” Robin speaks softly when Nancy remains silent, taking a step closer and gently, so gently, cups the back of her forearms, brushing her way to her hands and getting a gentle hold of them, “Whatever that is on your mind, you can tell me.”
Robin’s eyes look so sincere. They dance between Nancy’s, trying to help her where Nancy’s words can’t. Robin’s hands feel unbelievably soft beneath her own, so gentle. Nancy wants Robin to take her whole in her arms.
Here’s this girl, so wonderful towards her, a true friend, a caring person, and Nancy’s about to drop a bomb on her life. Out of her greed. Even if Robin rejected her, which she probably would, Robin doesn’t deserve more stress than what she’s already been through. It makes Nancy want to run back to her car and never look back.
But the fearless Nancy, the fighter, keeps pushing herself towards Robin. Reminded that happiness could be just around the corner. That if a group of teenagers and young adults could defeat what might as well have been a cosmic entity, that there was hope Nancy isn’t digging her own grave.
If they hadn’t had hope for their plan to succeed, she wouldn’t have been standing here now. So like hell would she listen to the prissy Nancy. Walls down, right?
“I lied about the hospital,” There. No going back from this.
Robin shakes her head in confusion once, then freezes. Nancy watches in real time as realization dawns on Robin, “Oh.”
“Yeah…” Nancy exhales, giving up this fight.
“Okay, so, that’s not how I planned for you to find out,” Robin speaks first, “I mean, I actually thought about coming out myself when Will did, you know, sympathizing and everything, but it felt wrong. I didn’t want to steal his moment, it was definitely much important that he said… Nevermind,” Robin shakes her head, like she’s trying to restart her thoughts, “I mean, I figured you guys wouldn’t mind another queer when you reacted well to Will, but like… I don’t know, I guess I’ve just been a coward.”
“No, no, Robin, that’s not it. And you’re not a coward,” Nancy finally manages to find her words, “I-I wasn’t… judging you, or anything. Of course not! I mean, I hope that you feel safe enough with us, but I didn’t want to shame you for not coming out. I…” Her voice dies in her throat, she looks down between them, “I should’ve led with something else…” She shakes her head.
Robin’s quiet for a second, but she still holds Nancy’s hands in hers, “So,” She drags the word out, “It’s not about me being gay?” She guesses carefully.
“No…” Nancy mutters, feeling like a petulant child.
“Okay, well, then I don’t think I follow,” Robin rubs her thumbs along the back of Nancy’s hands, “I mean, the main reason why I asked you if that was you was because well… I-I was scared you were gonna freak out or look at me differently.”
How this girl manages to sound so reassuring and insecure at the same time, Nancy has no idea. But the more she listens to Robin confess about her fears, the more she herself feels like a coward (and like a bad person). She squeezes her eyes shut, takes a deep breath in, and rips the band aid.
“I was there,” She starts, slowly, first looking at their clasped hands together, then meeting Robin’s eyes. God, she’s so infuriatingly (attractively) tall, “Will and I were buying sodas and we saw you and followed you. I’m not sure why, we both just did.”
Robin listens carefully, nodding slowly in acknowledgment, her thumbs still running softly against Nancy’s hands.
“I could see you, through the crack of the door. You… and Vickie… were close, and then you guys kissed. And then, Will dropped his can so he ran away and pulled me away with him. I-I…” Nancy feels her throat close, a single sob managing to escape.
“Nance, Nance-“ One of Robin’s hands moves to cup her cheek, probably trying to calm her down.
“I wanted it to be me,” She cuts her off.
Robin’s eyes go wide, her thumb stopping its caress. Nancy can feel Robin’s whole body freeze, again.
“What?” Robin breathes, barely audible.
Nancy opens her mouth, tears running down her cheeks, then closes it, swallowed thickly. It’s now or never. With no speech prepared ahead, she speaks what feels right, “I wanted it to be me who’s kissing you,” She inhales shakily, “After we fought Vecna the first time, I couldn’t wait to- to… I don’t know, I don’t know what, because I didn’t even know if you liked girls, at least I didn’t know for sure, but I finally…” She sobs, trying to find her words, all the while Robin looks at her, starstruck, “I realized all the annoyance and frustration I thought I was feeling wasn’t that, and that the tingling whenever I saw you had a reason and…”
“Seeing you kiss Vickie…” Her jaw wobbles, more tears fall. This time, Robin swipes them away from the cheek she was cupping, perhaps unconsciously, “It was like I could feel my heart breaking. And then… Then we had bigger fish to fry and there was no time for me to dwell on my feelings but then…” She sobs again.
“Jonathan and I nearly died at the lab. That goo was filling the room we fell in and we couldn’t find a way out, and… When I thought I was gonna drown in that thing, all I could think about was how I never got to say how I felt. I thought that if I had acted in time, I could’ve at least had a chance to- or even if I had been selfish like I am now but still brave enough to tell you how I feel, at least I would’ve known I did everything I could.”
Robin stands frozen, the only indication that she’s alive are her occasional blinking, the pulse that hammers beneath Nancy’s thumb, where it moves to grip Robin’s wrists.
“I… I’m falling for you…” Hot tears fall freely from her eyes, “I couldn’t go another day thinking over and over and over again if I still had even a small chance because you’re with Vickie, and oh God, I was gonna lead with asking if you loved her…” Nancy breathes fast, deep, then swallows audibly before she hyperventilates and faints both from embarrassment and heartbreak.
“Please say something,” Nancy breathes after a few seconds.
“I…” Robin clears her throat, “That’s a lot of new information to get in under two minutes…” She speaks breathlessly.
Nancy wants to slap herself. Here she hoped that Robin would react straight like from a rom-com movie. That Robin would say she felt the same all along and sweep her off her feet in a kiss or something else equally pathetic. Guess her luck ran out when they won a war to save the world.
God, she was right. It was all in her head. Probably, Robin’s looking too shaken up. Oh God, she doesn’t want to be that girl.
“Right, uhm, I understand,” She slowly removes Robin’s hand from her cheek, looking down, “I’m gonna go now and… let you… process that,” She moves away from her, going for the stairs, then turns back to Robin and finds her still staring with the same shocked expression, “I’m sorry, by the way,” Robin’s brows furrow at that, “For dropping it all like that. For saying it at all actually, since you’re… with Vickie,” It hurts to say it.
“Nance…” Robin pleads, what for, Nancy isn’t sure.
“I’ll… see you, Robin,” She offers a weak wave and bolts up the stairs, brushing the tears away.
She immediately runs for the door, even as she hears Robin’s footsteps thunder up the stairs, Steve’s confused question of her name, then Robin’s voice as well. It’s too much.
She thought she could do it. She thought that if she tore the walls down, that what was behind them would be strong enough to withstand the thing she had been protecting it from.
Maybe she’s not as strong and fearless as she hoped to be.