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"Okay, I know I shouldn't say anything, but that is not normal." Chimney exclaimed after Buck had descended the stairs of the loft.
"What's not?" Eddie asked, looking up from his book at the man.
"All of that!" he gestured wildly between the couch and the stairs.
Up until a few moments ago, Buck had been laid across the couch, head using the armrest as a pillow while his feet rested in Eddie's lap. Buck had been scrolling on his phone while Eddie read, one hand resting on Buck's calf. Hen and Chimney were sat on the second, identical couch in the communal living space. Hen leaning on one armrest with her legs crossed and Chimney on the other end with one foot tucked up under his thigh. Everyone was absorbed in their own activity, making the most of their down time between calls on this 24 hour shift until Bobby called to Buck from downstairs.
Without even looking away from his page, Eddie lifted his arms, freeing Buck's legs as he stood and stretched before calling back to Bobby that he was coming as he jogged down the stairs.
"All of what?" Eddie looked at the empty stairs and Chimney.
"You! You and Buck!"
At Eddie's blank look, Hen decided to back her friend up. "The way you and Buck act, it's very... hands on."
"It's not even just now, it's all the time." Chimney pointed out. "You guys are always draped over each other or holding hands or whatever. There's no way you guys aren't dating."
Eddie spluttered. "Dating? Just cause we touch? For one, Buck's my friend. And for two, we're both straight."
"Well Chim's one of my oldest friends and I couldn't imagine him laying all over me and sticking his feet in my face without me shoving him to the floor." As if to prove her point, Chimney moved his foot from under his leg inching it towards Hen who whacked it away.
"I'm like this with all my friends." Eddie defended though he knew it wasn't true.
"When was the last time you and I fell asleep holding hands, Diaz?" Chimney deadpanned.
Eddie scoffed but before he could reply, the alarm rang out through the station and everyone sprang into action.
---
It had been a simple call. A hit and run. No major injuries and everyone on scene was able to walk away from it without needing a hospital. The most damaged thing on scene was the car that was hit. The rear door on the driver's side was hit and crumpled, damaging the front door too. The impact pushed the car into the large truck beside it leaving no room to open the passenger side doors.
The thing that Eddie was focused on however wasn't the woman they freed from the car, nor was it the small crowd gathered to watch the 118 at work. No, he was thinking about Buck. More specifically he was thinking about how much he was touching Buck.
They had sat facing each other in the rig, legs slotted together, jostled together by the motion of the truck driving. Then while they worked, Eddie found himself dragging his hand along Buck's shoulders as he walked past on his way to get the jaws of life. He noticed how on the drive back to the station, he had put a hand on Buck's bad leg whenever they went over a speed bump or pothole. When had that become second nature?
The 118 returned to the station as the sky started to darken.
---
"You outdid yourself like usual, Cap." Buck said through half a mouthful of Bobby's pesto casserole.
"Ugh, chew with your mouth shut, Buckley." Eddie wrinkled his nose and shoved Buck's arm, lingering for a second before his conversation with Hen and Chimney earlier played through his head before he took his hand away. He tried to deflect. "How do you ever expect us to get Chris to stop when you're almost worse than him. And he's nine."
Buck, unaware of Eddies internal crisis, lightly shoved back then left their arms touching where they sat on the table. "Like you can talk Mr. Picks-Out-All-His-Green-Beans. Shouldn't you be setting the example that it's good to eat his veggies?"
"Whatever." Eddie inched his arm away from Buck, who had started trying to get the recipe from their Captain. He looked up and saw Hen and Chim giving him identical pointed stares. He looked back at his dinner.
---
Eddie laid on his back staring up at the ceiling of the bunk room.
The room had several bunk beds currently housing a dozen sleeping fire fighters. The two beds closest to the door were lofted high off the ground but didn't have another bed below them. These beds were above the shoe rack, a closet full of extra pillows, sheets and blankets, and two laundry hampers. They were the only two bunks that touched another. The headboards were at opposite ends so they shared a footboard just slightly taller than the mattresses. The lack of separation from another person meant very few people wanted to sleep in those bunks.
Buck and Eddie, however, weren't like the rest.
Rather than sleeping foot to foot, they laid with their heads meeting at the middle so they could whisper between themselves as they drifted to sleep. Ever since Eddie had returned to work after the shooting, he often woke up with his arm stretched across into Buck's bed, hands resting atop each other. Like Eddie needed to reach out during the night.
And now that he thought about it, Chimney was right. They do hold hands in their sleep. That was weird. Friends didn’t do that. That sounded like something a couple would do.
A couple. Dating, Chimney had said. Eddie considered the past few years, specifically, how he felt with Buck compared to how he felt with Shannon and Ana. Shannon was a good person, but Eddie couldn't have her back like she had needed and that tore them apart. Ana was kind and loved Christopher, but it had felt too soon to be bringing someone new into his son's life to fill that role of a second parent.
He couldn't imagine such a ready-made family.
But wasn't that exactly what he and Buck were? They had almost always had each other's backs since that call with a live grenade embedded in a man's leg during Eddie's second shift. In the aftermath of the earthquake when Eddie's truck wouldn't start, Buck hadn't thought twice before offering Eddie a ride to Christopher's school, listening without complaint to the ramblings of an over tired 7 year old telling his dad about "How cool it was not doing any work at school today" and how he "wasn't even that scared cause his daddy saved people from things like this all the time" despite it being his first natural disaster is LA.
Then Buck had met his aunt, introduced Eddie to Carla, and even taken Chris to see Santa with him. After that, Buck had become a permanent fixture in the Diaz household. Spending the night after watching a couple movies, going to the store with them to make sure they had all the ingredients on hand for Buck to make dinner. So much for not wanting to move too fast to bring another parental figure into his son's life. Buck was in Eddie's will for Christ's sake.
Eddie had dated Ana for almost two months before he even told Chris he was dating someone and even after six months, he couldn't see a future with her. It had taken Buck about a month to integrate into the Diaz family and when Eddie pictured what his life would be a year from now, he could easily imagine Buck helping make gluten, soy, egg and nut-free baked goods for the school bake sale. He could see Buck taking Chris to the zoo, the beach, the aquarium.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh he was so fucked.
Eddie was in love with Buck.
The realisation hit like he'd been shot again. It was quieter than the last one that had almost killed him in the middle of the street but somehow, this felt equally as devastating to Eddie. The bunk room could fit around 20 fire fighters in it so it was by no means small, but Eddie felt almost claustrophobic surrounded by the thoughts rushing through his head.
Eddie was in love with Buck.
---
It was the end of shift and despite not getting any major calls, Eddie was exhausted. Constantly overanalysing how often he was touching Buck and for how long had left Eddie unable to relax after his realisation early that morning. Buck had plans to meet Maddie for breakfast so he ran out with a yelled goodbye almost before their shift ended and Bobby was working on paperwork in his office. Eddie wasn't sure where Hen and Chimney had gone, he just knew he was alone in the locker room.
He was in love with Buck.
He can't be in love with Buck.
He can't let himself be in love with Buck because everyone he had dated had left him, left Christopher. Eddie wouldn't be the reason Chris couldn't see his best friend. Not again. Not after last time, during the lawsuit, when Chris would wake up from a nightmare about the tsunami, begging to be able to talk to Buck only to be told he couldn't but not be told why.
Not to mention, Buck was very clearly straight. Eddie had heard enough from the rest of the 118 about Firehose and Buck 1.0 and had heard from Buck himself about all his girlfriends. Buck was straight and Eddie was gay? Bisexual? Was he allowed to be gay if he had felt genuine love for Shannon?
Sexuality crisis aside, Eddie's only option now was to distance himself from Buck in the hope that his one-sided crush on his best friend would go away. He couldn’t scare off Buck, not after all they had been through in the years they had known each other. Chris would never forgive him.
---
Buck wasn't sure why he felt this way. Nothing had changed in his life. Everyone was fine at work. No one had gotten hurt since Eddie had been shot and that was months ago. Maddie and Jee were doing good. Chris was doing good. Buck was sure of that because he'd seen the boy just a few days ago during a movie night at the Diaz house. There was no logical reason to explain the ache in Buck's chest.
But over the last few weeks, the crack in his heart eroded further into the canyon it was now.
It had taken a couple of weeks before Buck realised what was causing it.
The 118 were resting between calls. Some members of their shift had retreated to the bunk room to try and get a bit of shut eye but most were spread across the arm chairs and couches in the common space. Buck was sat on one of the larger arm chairs when he saw Eddie approach the group, clearly having abandoned his attempt at a nap. Buck watched as Eddie noticed that every seat was filled and shifted accordingly, making room for Eddie to perch on Buck's armrest like he usually did when Eddie turned back to the dining table and brought a chair over.
That was… weird. Whenever there wasn’t room for Eddie, he would join Buck wherever he was. Even sitting on the floor by Buck's legs on a couple of occasions. He'd never brought another chair to the sitting area before. And that's when it clicked for Buck. Eddie was avoiding him. Not the same way he had dismissed Buck when he returned to work after dropping the lawsuit. They still talked. Buck still went to Eddie's house, still saw Chris, still gossiped about the members of the PTA after some school event or another.
But Eddie wasn't touching him.
The last time the two of them were this physically distant was when Buck had sued Bobby and he was unable to see his family team then, during that hellish half a shift between Buck dropping the lawsuit and Eddie forgiving him.
Which meant Buck had fucked up. He had to have done something to annoy Eddie, possibly the whole 118. Were they just putting up with him? Was he not even worth the effort it would take to scold him for whatever mistake he'd made this time?
Buck couldn't help but think about his childhood. Maddie was always there for him. Every fractured arm and broken leg. Every bump and bruise. For as long as Buck could remember, he had sought out his sister. When he was five and fell off his bike, Maddie was there with a hug, Barney the Dinosaur Band-Aids and comforting words. By the time he was ten he was "too old for stupid kids characters" so she got camo print Band-Aids. No matter how old he got, he still found solace in Maddie's warm arms.
The only times his parents would hug him was when he was resting in bed after another supposed accident. His father would ruffle Buck's hair but he was always more hesitant about displays of physical affection compared to his mother who had fussed when he was a kid, gently cupping his cheek, pressing a kiss to his forehead. But by the time he was sixteen that care had faded. The doctors and nurses at the hospital closest to his house had recognised the young Buckley boy and felt bad he never had any visitors in the two years since Maddie had moved to Boston so they helped him through some paperwork that let Buck make medical decisions and check himself out without his parents.
Once that had happened, his parents had drawn back even further. He was practically independent now. He was more likely to receive a lecture about how uncertain the world is and how reckless he was than he was to receive a hug or some ice cream. Though that hadn't stopped Buck from trying to earn back their love.
"Buck!"
Buck was brought out of his rapidly spiralling thoughts by Bobby calling his name, likely not for the first time if the tone of his voice was anything to go by. Bobby placed a hand on his shoulder and Buck looked up at his captain. "Huh?"
"I was asking if you wanted to help with dinner but are you okay? You spaced out pretty hard." Bobby gestured towards the kitchen.
Okay, so whatever the issue with Eddie was, at least Bobby seemed to be on Buck's side. "Yeah, of course, Cap." Buck stood and walked to the kitchen. He brushed his hand against Eddie's upper arm as he walked past him only to feel his shoulders tighten. Okay, so it definitely wasn't all in Buck's head. He had done something to Eddie. Or something that bothered Eddie enough he didn't want to interact with Buck.
It was like an invisible wall had been erected between Buck and Eddie.
God, what if he'd finally overstayed his welcome in the Diaz home. Maybe Eddie was fed up with how much time Buck spent with his son. Or he was getting in the way of Eddie's love life. Dating as a single parent was hard enough. Add a weirdly clingy co-dependant best friend who's secretly in love with his straight best friend that was always hanging around and it makes it that much harder.
Buck chopped vegetables for some sort of stew that Bobby was preparing as he thought about the past few weeks. Now he knew what his subconscious had been missing, Buck could think of a dozen times in the last few shifts alone where Eddie had clearly been avoiding his touch. The times during Diaz Family Movie Nights where Eddie would usually stretch his arm over the back of the couch and rest his hand on Buck's shoulder.
Maybe Buck hadn't been as subtle as he thought when sneaking glances at his friend and now Eddie had caught on that Buck could potentially be attracted to him (which he was but that's not the point) was he afraid to lead him on? Eddie wasn't the type to be homophobic and obviously if Bobby caught wind of such a thing, Eddie would be transferred to a new station before the next shift.
But even if that was the case, Buck didn’t want to be responsible for breaking up the family built at the 118. If he was the reason Eddie was transferred or god forbid fired, there was no way Eddie would ever let Buck see Chris again. He would just have to suck it up.
It wasn't like he wasn't getting any physical affection. Bobby proved that through the small touches they shared during the process of preparing dinner which ended with a firm clap on the back and Buck's hair being ruffled out of place by his dad captain as everything was put in the crock pot to cook.
Even so, it hurt to lose one of the most consistent sources of physical affection Buck had had in the years between Maddie leaving and now.
---
If Eddie believed in curses, he would curse Hen and Chimney. Maybe he still would since the paramedic duo believed in them.
Because of the two of them, he didn't know how to act normally around his best friend. Eddie could only pray that Buck hadn't noticed. He knew that prayer was as useful as all the prayers Eddie had spoken in his youth. Begging God to make him normal.
There was no way Buck hadn't noticed Eddie's strange behaviour at this point. Eddie was pretty sure he'd been hiding it well but then Buck would bump their shoulders together because he couldn't walk in a straight line and Eddie moved back so fast he had almost tripped over his own feet. The times he left Buck hanging as he held a hand up for a fist bump or high five after a successful rescue had surely been noticed by the older man.
God, this was the worst. Eddie was the worst.
---
It was a bad call, not the worst they had seen but calls with kids were always a sore spot. Especially for the parents at the 118. A young boy, a few years younger than Christopher, had his leg pinned between the road, his bicycle, and the tyre of the car that had hit him. They had gotten him out fairly quickly.
Hen and Chimney had let the rest of the 118 know the boy had made it to the hospital with no further complications, needing surgery and a cast on his broken leg but likely to make a full recovery. But the sight of such a young child screaming in agony as the firefighters tried to help him was harrowing.
As the team unloaded from the trucks, Eddie couldn't help but imagine Chris in the boy's place. If he was a better partner, better friend, maybe he would have thought about how Buck felt seeing that little boy with his leg crushed. Maybe he would have thought about Buck imagining Christopher in the boy's place too. In Buck's place as the ladder truck crushed his leg. But all he could think about was himself.
Buck noticed Eddie staring at nothing, eyes unfocused and a furrowed brow. He reached for Eddie's shoulder but before he made contact, Eddie's eyes snapped towards Buck. He stiffened and took a step back.
Buck felt it like the cold wave of a tsunami washing over him.
He lowered his out stretched hand, looking down as he fled the room leaving Eddie alone in the locker room with the people responsible for his overthinking.
Hen did her best to pretend to look through her duffel bag for some imaginary item she had misplaced but Chimney was never one for subtlety. He stared directly at Eddie and popped his gum.
Eddie sighed, collapsing onto the bench. He muttered into the hands he was currently using to hide his face. "I'm in love with him."
"Took you long enough." Even without looking, Eddie could hear the grin on Chimney's face.
The sound of a soft smack followed by an "Ow!" told Eddie how much Hen approved of the joke. Eddie looked up at the two of them, Chimney rubbing his arm.
"Firstly, we're both very proud of you. I know how hard this can be." Hen started, prompting Chim to chime in with his own supportive statement and an apology. "Secondly, what are you gonna do about it?"
"What can I do?" Eddie complained. "I've probably ruined the most meaningful relationship I've ever had by falling in love with my straight best friend."
Hen shook her head. "So your solution is to what? Ignore Buck forever?"
"I'm not ignoring him" Eddie snapped defensively. "I'm just… setting boundaries. I'm protecting him."
"From what?"
"From me." He said immediately. "You've seen how great a track record I have with dating. I make the wrong call, I mess it up. I can't screw this up. For him or for Christopher." Eddie's jaw tightened. "Every relationship I've had has been a disaster cause of me. Ana. Shannon."
"Just talk to him. The only way you'll be able to move on from this is if you acknowledge it."
Hen had a point. Of course she did. Eddie tried to think of a reason he hadn't already used to try and get out of this. "But he's straight." he repeated.
"Did he tell you that?"
"Well, no, but-"
"So you can't really assume anything." Stupid Hen and her stupid logic.
"But he's only been with women."
"Yeah, so have you, pal. Are you telling us you're straight?" Stupid Chimney and his stupid logic.
Eddie groaned as he ran a hand through his hair. "I really hate you guys sometimes."
"You better talk to him soon," Chimney added as he walked towards the locker room doors. He clapped Eddie's shoulder. "If you think Buck of all people isn't spiralling about this, you don't know Buck."
---
Eddie didn't get a chance to talk to Buck after that.
Buck seemed to find every excuse to be anywhere Eddie wasn't. Eddie would approach him while he was restocking the truck after a call, Buck would mutter something about hearing Hen call him from the ambulance. If he saw Eddie headed towards the kitchen, he'd say something to Bobby and scurry away before Eddie could even open his mouth. Buck was leaving the fire house without changing out of his uniform after shift to not run the risk of having to talk to Eddie. He wouldn't answer Eddie's calls, instead opting to text.
It wasn't abnormal before all of this for Buck and Eddie to facetime from their own homes while they cooked meals alongside each other, miles apart. Thanks to Buck and Bobby's lessons, Eddie wasn't entirely useless in the kitchen anymore. Now, Buck only replied with short messages or sometimes just a thumbs up emoji. Nothing like the string of texts punctuated by several emojis Eddie had grown accustomed to.
The sinking feeling in his chest that grew with each failed attempt made Eddie regret every moment he'd spent distancing himself from Buck over the past few weeks. It had only been a couple of days and he was miserable. Eddie had subjected Buck to weeks of this.
---
The fight was stupid.
It was about a call, about whether Buck should have gone back into an unstable house on fire when he'd heard the family mention their pet dog. Buck and Eddie's voices rose, unknowingly drawing the attention of the rest of the station though they seemed to know by now when to leave well enough alone when it came to these two. It was loud, passionate and ugly in that familiar way that only happened because they both cared a bit too much.
"You don't get to act like you're expendable!" Eddie snapped.
"And you don't get to act like I'm dumb and reckless any time I make a call!" Buck fired back.
They were too close. Breathing too heavily.
Buck saw it a split second before it happened. Eddie's hand lifting between them. Coming towards him.
Buck flinched.
Not a subtle flinch he could brush off and pretend had never happened. He had flinched like he was bracing for impact. He flinched like he was two years younger, stood in the produce section of a grocery store being yelled at by the person he trusted most. His hands were raised halfway, preparing to shield his face from the incoming blow.
Like he expected to get hit.
Eddie couldn't tell what his face was doing in that moment but the shards of his shattered heart pierced his lungs, making his breath catch in his throat. His hand stopped mid-air.
"Buck," he breathed.
Buck realised what he did. Realised what it looked like. His stomach dropped as he lowered his hands.
"I wasn't-" The words were stuck in Eddie's throat. "I would never-"
"I know." Buck said quickly, but his voice shook. "I know that."
But the damage had been done. Eddie had already stepped away. "I made you think I was gonna hit you." he said, the dull ache in his shoulder nothing compared to the pain of his breaking heart. "Jesus, I made you scared of me."
"You didn't. It was just reflex, Ed-"
"Because I've been pulling away." Eddie interrupted, drowning in his guilt. "Anytime you reached out. I pulled back."
Insecurity and doubt had clenched around Buck's chest so tight he wasn't too surprised when the words were squeezed out of him. "I thought you hated me again."
Eddie looked like he'd been shot again.
"I never hated you, Buck."
An oppressive silence filled every space between the pair.
Buck forced himself to meet Eddie's eyes. "Then why?" he demanded, weeks of hurt packed into one question. "For weeks I thought I'd done something wrong. Something so awful you couldn't bear to even stand next to me."
Eddie looked at his hands. "I had to stop." he whispered.
"Why?"
Eddie swallowed. His hands clenched into fists at his sides, like it took all his effort not to reach out. "Because, I'm in love with you." He said quietly, voice rough with emotion, heart beating wildly in his chest.
The locker room fell away. The only things that were real in this moment were Buck and Eddie.
"You're in love with me?" Buck stared, his mouth agape.
"I tried to ignore it." Words tumbled out of Eddie's mouth now that they had broken free. "I told myself it was just… us. That's just how we are. Were. That it didn't mean anything. But after I noticed, every time I touched you it felt like I was crossing a line you didn't even know about. I didn't know what to do with it. And I couldn't trust myself to not want more."
Buck kept staring.
"So if I pulled back- I thought if I stopped, it would go away. I wouldn't make it weird. Wouldn't ruin what we have. I thought if I did-"
"That it'd be easier to handle your feelings?" Buck whispered.
"Yeah." Eddie admitted softly.
Buck let out a disbelieving laugh. "I thought you'd gotten sick of me. Like you'd finally realised I'm too much. Like you didn't want me around you anymore. Only keeping me around for Christopher's sake."
Eddie frowned, "Buck," he started.
"You're the one thing I don't think I could survive losing again." Buck's voice broke, his eyes stung as he blinked back his emotions.
"Buck." Eddie stepped closer on instinct. "I could never hate you. I don't know how to hate you."
Eddie closed the distance between them before he could think any better of it. He stopped directly in front of Buck and slowly lifted his hands. Slow enough Buck could stop him. Eddie gently cradled Buck's cheek in one hand, the other resting on his shoulder, thumb digging into his collarbone.
Buck didn't flinch this time.
Eddie's thumb brushed by the part of Buck's birthmark under his eyebrow, caressing it gently. "I'm in love with you." he said again, steadier. "I don't know when it happened. Maybe it's always been there. But I'm done pretending like I don't."
Buck's hands settled on Eddie's waist like they've always belonged there. The warm feeling soothed the voice at the back of his mind that reminded him Buck hadn't said he's felt the same.
Buck inched closer. "Say it again?"
Eddie didn't hesitate. "I love you."
Buck's lips parted on a shaky inhale. "I've been in love with you for so long I forgot there was ever a version of me who wasn't."
Any semblance of composure Eddie had left cracked completely. "Buck-"
Then Buck kissed him.
It wasn't careful. It was clumsy and desperate and a little bit angry as weeks of distance and tension snapped all at once. Eddie made a startled sound into Buck's mouth before he melted into it and grabbed at his shirt like if he let go this would all be a dream. Buck tightened his grip on Eddie's waist as if it could make up for every moment they were too far apart. They kiss like they had been starved.
When they finally pulled apart, their foreheads pressed together, heavy breaths mingled.
"I love you." he said once more, softer this time.
Buck smiled against his mouth. "I know."