Chapter Text
In theory QAWSED, codename “Hackey Mouse” had complete control over the internet. And in 95% of the virtual networks, it was true. He could see all, and take control over anything he wanted. If he had wanted he could waltz in the most secure networks, be it the Pentagon or Nebula. (Had he done that before? ...maybe. Mostly didn’t leave any signs behind, though.)
(Mostly.)
(Some hilarious “typos” do not count.)
He could go down to the secret websites without problem as well. Hidden internet behind hidden internet, “deep web”, “dark web”, “deep dark web”. The last one was the supernatural-only network. Not very creatively named, Hackey wasn’t really comfortable with it, but whatever. He secretly called it “void web”. Maybe Hawking would have taken offense, but not like Hawking could interact with Hackey now could he?
He could take control of computers, and phones, even remote control vehicles. He wasn’t just simply part of the network, it was like he was the network - okay, this was an overstatement, but this was how it fealt to be Hackey. Complete control, freedom. The virtual world was Hackey’s playground.
It was very nice, indeed.
Except…
Except for a small, tiny network. It was very small, compared to the vast size of the whole virtual world. A small blind spot.
Hackey didn’t like the thought of having a blind spot.
It was a relatively small network in Tokyo - it wasn’t even the size of a full special ward, it was a much smaller district. Ikebukuro, it was called. Quite a busy district.
Boy, in a few days, Hackey got to really know that name, as he kept trying to make the blind spot go away. Blind spots were so… inconvenient. Wasn’t it the point of not having a physical body, that he wouldn’t have blind spots?
He tried as many possible ways in as he could. He poked at every possible weak points he could imagine, and then some. But no, every single try got pushed back, every single one of his attacks, be it more aggressive, or more subtle, they were always pushed back.
Okay. It was official. There was something keeping him out from Ikebukuro.
Something, or…
“Why do you care this much about a small district in Ikebukuro?”
Doubs asked one day, and Hackey gave out an indingant huff.
<It’s not about Ikebukuro. By this point, this is a matter of principles. I don’t like being kept out.>
“Maybe I could put some of your code into a pendrive and take you inside?”
<Ha. No offense, friend, but no way I’d trust ya with putting me into that shiny pocket of yours. Also, that would be cheating.>
“And since when did you care about playing fair?”
<Okay, okay, point taken, but… there is something there, yanno? And I don’t just want to go around it. I want to find out what it is.>
“Or who.”
Hackey didn’t answer for a few moments, and Doubs just looked at his phone.
“Come on. Don’t say you didn’t think about it.”
<I did. I don’t like the idea.>
It was even quiet for a few more moments, before Hackey gave out a digital sigh. Not like he needed to sigh, but it was a nice way to show his reaction to everyone listening. Currently, Doubs.
<Yanno… it is quite likely it might be some one. I got encrypted mails somewhere from Ikebukuro. Yes, that’s the smallest I could narrow it down to, and it was a link to some books about Ikebukuro, written by someone named Tsukumoya.>
“Do you think it’s this Tsukumoya guy who’s keeping you out?”
<Dunno. Maybe.>
“Were the books at least good?”
<Who’s sayin’ I read ‘em?>
“Oh, come on. Of course you did.”
<They were a’right.>
As far as Tsukumoya Shinichi knew, he was the only fully-functional AI currently operating online. Which was why the other one had come as a not altogether pleasant or unpleasant surprise. In fact, it was hardly even a surprise, if he was being honest. It was only to be expected. The internet was a vast, intricate place and Tsukumoya kept to his corner of it. His eddy in a swift flowing river; though Ikebukuro was hardly still or calm. His ever-changing, ever-evolving city. So it was only to be expected that those parts of the internet he hung back from in favour of Ikebukuro would have their own specific denizens. He had known this in theory and should have expected to have to deal with it in practise at some point, yet he hadn’t spared it too much thought. These hypothetical others could stick to their world. He had made his world Ikebukuro and as such had no expectations of anyone else taking the interest he did - he knew, deep down, his fascination with this extraordinary place was largely whimsical, that others were unlikely to share even a modicum of his professional regard for the city, let alone any particular fondness for it. In his existence thus far, he had never encountered another, not in Ikebukuro, and he saw no reason for this to change.
And then the other one started trying to get in.
Tsukumoya could feel it immediately with the buzzing persistence of what he assumed gnats were like to humans, sometimes trying to sneak past his defences, other times trying to force their way through, somewhat clumsily, need it be added? Ordinarily it would have been a welcome amusement to watch this stranger’s various attempts (and subsequent failures) to enter Ikebukuro, but Tsukumoya was otherwise occupied with business; he had a looming deadline with his publishers wanting an update on his latest book, and as if that wasn’t enough, Orihara was pestering him about his identity again like the attention-seeking child that he was. Tsukumoya came to the conclusion he ought to ban Orihara from his chatroom on a temporary basis, much to the other information broker’s chagrin, swiftly submit the most recent chapter to his publishers, and then settle down to toying with this other intelligence, testing what it could do. He would seem to give them an in, then barricade the metaphorical door at the last moment. This wasn’t a perfect description, but it was one the human mind would understand. He’d watch them run themselves in rings, taking note of the frustration they exuded. He even sent him links to the online editions of his books to either pique their interest or alternatively irritate them all the more. Then, after the game, such as it was, had continued for a couple of weeks or so, he abruptly opened a chat tab and sent the other entity a message.
Time to make a proper introduction, methinks.
Tsukumoya Shinichi
Having fun, are you?
Hackey stopped - he was trying something which was sure to win (come on everyone lets through spam mail, he could get through spam mail), when the chat opened. With a message.
From the author of the books.
So this is how we’re gonna play, huh.
Alright, first. Set a nickname. And give a good comeback for all the annoyance he had caused.
Hackey Mouse
absolutely.
Hackey Mouse
btw, ur writing is mediocre at best.
If Tsukumoya could have smirked, he would have. How delightfully immature. Everything from the text-speak to the insult were so childish it was almost beautiful. Only to be expected from someone who had spent two weeks trying to get into Ikebukuro through a series of hopelessly transparent ruses.
Tsukumoya Shinichi
I assume that’s why I receive primarily positive reviews. Evidently the general public have a subpar taste in writing, though critics don’t tend to suffer the same lack of taste in my experience.
Tsukumoya Shinichi
On another note, what sort of name is Hackey Mouse? Seriously?
Good thing Hackey did not have any eyes, because he would have narrowed them. Okay then, it was on.
Hackey Mouse
i tried to keep track of what you wrote but got bored halfway thru
Hackey Mouse
it is my codename. alias. a.k.a.
Hackey Mouse
my real name is QAWSED btw, not like it matters, everyone calls me Hackey. bc i’m cool like that. that i have an alias. ha.
Tsukumoya Shinichi
My, a codename. How mysterious of you. Are you sure you should be blurting out your real name to a lowly writer like me, and one whose works you admit to being unable to finish?
Tsukumoya Shinichi
Now what does that say about you, I wonder?
Tsukumoya Shinichi
And what does it say about your attention span, or lack thereof?
Tsukumoya Shinichi
Furthermore, what kind of a name is QAWSED, honestly? That’s no better.
Hackey Mouse
i have as long of an attention span as i wanna have
Hackey Mouse
not my fault ur boring
Hackey Mouse
it ain’t a big secret, everyone knows both of my names, u call me whatevs
Hackey Mouse
dont particularly care
Hackey Mouse
whataya mean what kinda name?! it is my name. pronounced ‘keyboard’
Hackey Mouse
what kinda name ‘Tsukumoya Shinichi’ is either way?
Tsukumoya Shinichi
In no language are the letters ‘QAWSED’ pronounced keyboard. I’d be interested to know what alphabet you think you are working from.
Tsukumoya Shinichi
As for my name, it is my name. It’s a perfectly ordinary Japanese name. I, at least, have made an effort to sound plausible, rather than reaching for the most ridiculous ‘name’ that comes to mind.
Tsukumoya Shinichi
Let’s get to the point, shall we? Why are you trying to get into Ikebukuro?
Hackey Mouse
i think u meant ‘perfectly boring’
Hackey Mouse
http://images.lmgtfy.com/?q=keyboard
Hackey Mouse
and y not?
Tsukumoya Shinichi
What you think of my name is none of my concern.
Tsukumoya Shinichi
Especially as your own leaves a lot to be desired, even now you point out its genesis. Why would I consider your opinion on names worthwhile at all?
Tsukumoya Shinichi
Why not? Because this is my city, naturally. I shudder to think what you would do if you got in here.
Tsukumoya Shinichi
Though naturally I don’t shudder of course, I was being hyperbolic. The fact remains I distrust your motivations.
Tsukumoya Shinichi
To you this is little more than a vacation, to me, it is my home. No trespassers permitted.
Hackey Mouse
then stop making comments abt my name
Hackey Mouse
your city? didn’t see ur name on it. also u cant own a city
Hackey Mouse
and i find ur lack of faith in me disturbing. u dont even kno me. y do u think i’d do anything to “ur city”?
Tsukumoya Shinichi
Then the issue of names is now closed, if this is what it leads to.
Tsukumoya Shinichi
It’s my city because I take a passing, observer’s interest in it. Call it petty if you like, but it is where I choose to base my existence. If you’d read my books, you’d understand.
Tsukumoya Shinichi
No. I don’t know you. Which I why I aim to keep you out. If I did know you, I doubt I’d grant you access. It’s nothing personal, you understand, it’s just a basic rule, maintains some sense of order in all the chaos this city contains.
Hackey Mouse
could you BE any more pretentious? just curious.
Hackey Mouse
wtf
Hackey Mouse
u cant declare an ownership of a city just bc u happen to fancy it
Hackey Mouse
and wow. WOW. W. O. W.
Hackey Mouse
one day, i’ll get in, yanno. now it’s definitely on like Donkey Kong.
Tsukumoya Shinichi
Could I be more pretentious? Is that a challenge? Are you really interested to see just how pretentious I can get, QAWSED?
Tsukumoya Shinichi
And for your information, I don’t fancy the city. I’m an objective observer. There is a difference, though I doubt you could grasp that, since you don’t seem to be capable of reading my books, which would clear the matter up.
Tsukumoya Shinichi
Please, isn’t this getting old already? You’re not getting in, face facts. I know this city better than you ever could. I can keep you out without any effort at all.
Tsukumoya Shinichi
So go ahead, keep on trying to get in. See where it gets you. And when you’re in exactly the same situation you were when we began this conversation, maybe consider finding a new hobby. This one is terribly sad. Almost puts you on the same level as Orihara.
Tsukumoya Shinichi
Oh, never mind who he is. Not someone you’d want to replicate, that’s my point. Are you sure you want to continue with this farce?
Hackey Mouse
oh shut urself down. i did read thru ur books. still boring.
Hackey Mouse
i live in more hectic situations daily. u kno. side-effects of being a vampire.
Hackey Mouse
now that is a challenge.
Hackey Mouse
and honestly i need to congratulate you because the first time since i can remember that i am wishing that i’d have a physical body so i could strangle you
Hackey Mouse
and i know a few annoying people so you can be proud of this achievement
Hackey Mouse
https://s3.amazonaws.com/achgen360/t/YJU13AeK.png
Tsukumoya Shinichi
A vampire? While I am of course aware of the existence of said beings, I do somewhat question whatever loose definition allows you to term yourself a vampire. Ah, never mind. Call yourself what you will, that is your business.
Tsukumoya Shinichi
While comparatively this city may seem tame to you, it still has its features of interest. To me, anyway. I doubt you’d find it so intriguing from the inside. The only reason you want in is to get past me, and that isn’t going to happen.
Tsukumoya Shinichi
And thank you. I’m truly flattered. In my line of work I do get occasional death threats, they’re always amusing, but I think I’ll remember this one specially for its uniqueness. Now, if you don’t mind, I have work to be getting on with, have a nice day. I’m sure you have better things to be doing.
Tsukumoya Shinichi
But if you ever do want to chat, I’ll be here. 24/7, you know how this goes, don’t you?
Tsukumoya Shinichi
Goodbye, QAWSED.
Hackey Mouse confirmed dead!
With that, Tsukumoya evicted this ‘Hackey’ from the chat. Of course, if QAWSED tried to get into Ikebukuro or send anything to him, he’d know about it immediately and be able to see it. And the other AI knew this, undoubtedly. Tsukumoya wondered how long he would be willing to continue this charade for. How long before QAWSED got bored and moved on to other entertainments?
Who knew?
Tsukumoya hoped it would be soon.
He decided it was probably time to grant Orihara access to the chat again. He could resume normal operations while ignoring QAWSED most of the time. It wasn’t as though keeping him out of Ikebukuro would be any challenge whatsoever.
Still. It would be nice when he stopped trying, wouldn’t it?
Assuming, that is, perhaps somewhat optimistically, that he did stop.
Until then, best to get to know his enemy. Research him. Dig up information.
Tsukumoya was good at that; and water was wet and fire burnt. He would find out about this QAWSED or Hackey Mouse, or whatever he wanted to call himself. The comment about vampires gave him more than enough to go on.
So next time - and there would obviously be a next time, he would be rather more well-informed about his...foe? Enemy? Nemesis? No, all of these were too confrontational. Lacking objectivity.
Opponent.
His opponent .
That would do.
Until then, time to go and infuriate Orihara with vague-yet-obvious statements about who and what he was. Orihara would never figure it out. Never. Sometimes Tsukumoya thought if he did come clean, he would simply never believe it and assume Tsukumoya was mocking him, so proud was he on his ability to identify humans.
And left QAWSED to repeatedly fail to get under his skin.
Or whatever it was he did when left to his own devices.
“Are you done?”
Doubs was getting bored with Hackey’s ranting, as he looked at the monitor of his computer, where a mouse mascot was bouncing up and down in an irritable way.
<Yea, yea. I just can’t…. yanno, I can’t believe the first other AI I meet with, ends up being so… so…>
“So like you?”
A few angry flashes on the screen. Very blue flashes. Blue-screen-of-death coloured flashes.
“...no offence. Please, don’t format my hard drive again.”
<I never formatted your hard drive, I just made ya believe I did. And I am taking full offence to this! I am not pretentious!>
“It’s almost poetic isn’t it? You have a habit of annoying people, and the only other artificial intelligence you run into ends up annoying you. Have you ever heard of a term called karma?”
<Karma usually affects ya in your next life, not still in your lifetime, dont’cha even know this much, Doubs?>
“I think karma makes a few exceptions to long-lived individuals such as ourselves, don’t you think?”
<Ya know, Doubs, no, I really don’t think so. I think Tsukumoya is just a pretentious ass.>
Doubs smirked at the little mouse mascot on the screen who now had smoke coming out of it’s ears.
“You’re just annoyed you don’t get along with someone like you. I mean I get it. You felt like a solitary existence, even among us, vampires. And now what? Now you get a second one, and you don’t get along. It might be hurtful.”
<It ain’t. This ain’t what this is about. You are overthinkin’ stuff, as usual.>
“Oh? Then what is it about?”
A chuckle came out from the speakers.
<He was all calm and collected, yanno? I wonder how he acts like when he loses his temper.>
“So you’re gonna poke him until he blows up?”
<Whataya think? More or less.>
“And also because it hurts your pride that you can’t get into Ikebukuro.”
<Ain’t gonna lie. I definitely want to prove that smug bastard wrong, yanno?>
“Well, good luck with that, my friend.”
<Luck ain’t got anything to do with it. I just have to outsmart him.>
“Easier said than done?”
<Maybe...> the mascot finally stopped fuming and started bouncing excitedly this time. Honestly, Hackey had whiplash-inducing mood swings sometimes. <’tis kinda exciting too, yanno? A real challenge. Most mortal hackers ain’t getting anywhere close enough to cause me a challenge.>
“What if you can’t get through him?”
<Oh, I’m gonna. Maybe not tomorrow, or this year, but I’m gonna. I have all the time in the world, after all.>
-
Over the next few weeks, QAWSED proved to be an absolute pain in the neck. He didn’t let up, constantly was on the offensive, constantly trying to get in, constantly spamming Tsukumoya with outdated memes. It didn’t really obstruct Tsukumoya in any way but it was an irritation. He could keep QAWSED out until the end of days but that didn’t mean he’d enjoy interacting with him. He took pleasure in blocking QAWSED’s every move, amped up his own inherent pretentiousness to annoy the other AI as much as he could. Wasn’t QAWSED trying to do exactly the same? This was, after all, a game of wills. Neither of them wanted to admit defeat. They were both too stubborn for that. It was likely that neither of them had ever encountered anyone they could consider a real challenge before now, not like this, someone inside the internet with a similar, albeit slightly different, perspective. Not that Tsukumoya found keeping QAWSED out consciously difficult, he didn’t even have to think about it most of the time, but he knew deep down if he wasn’t here his defences would be strained to their limits. They would hold up, but they wouldn’t like it. He doubled down on his security, making sure it was subtle enough to go unnoticed by most but simultaneously strong enough to block QAWSED while being blatant enough to annoy him. A fine balancing act.
Another thing that infuriated the other AI which Tsukumoya made sure to always do was persistently call him QAWSED in the most quietly condescending ways possible. He claimed it was out of an acquired sense of very Japanese propriety and formality, which to a degree it was, however as soon as he knew it irked him, he decided to stick with it and even increase the frequency of usage. He had to do something petty, that was what this game was. That was the point of it all.
He felt like Orihara would appreciate QAWSED’s nonsense. They were both immature children, they both liked attempting to frustrate him. Only difference was one was better at it than the other, and 9 times out of 10 it wasn’t Orihara, try as he might.
Tsukumoya wasn’t sure why QAWSED continued with it, when he had free reign of the entire rest of the internet and a group of friends and literally a million and one better things to do. But he did, despite the fact he had zero interest in Ikebukuro (an offence in itself), he kept trying to get in, purely because it annoyed Tsukumoya. Purely because he could.
Sometimes it wasn’t even that. Sometimes he just tried to rickroll Tsukumoya for no reason. Not that there ever was a reason for this. No, someone just had too much free time. Didn’t they now?
Hackey Mouse
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ
Tsukumoya Shinichi
Really? You think I don’t recognise that url when I see it? Moreover, why are you even trying to rickroll me?
Hackey Mouse
because y not?
Hackey Mouse
because u r a pain in the ass, and rickrolling is funny
Hackey Mouse
because i actually find the song catchy as hell
Hackey Mouse
maybe i just enjoy fucking with u
Hackey Mouse
take your pick
Tsukumoya Shinichi
I somewhat doubt whether rickrolling is funny to anyone over twelve, however I will choose take it as a compliment that you see me as worthy to mess with.
Tsukumoya Shinichi
And I find your company so pleasant too.
Hackey Mouse
oh wow tone down the sarcasm i think ur meltin my servers
Hackey Mouse
also ur wrong, rickrolling is one of the best practical jokes ever. fact.
Tsukumoya Shinichi
If your servers are incapable of handling some mild sarcasm, that would be your problem rather than mine. Perhaps endeavour to rectify this?
Tsukumoya Shinichi
I’m sure it is. It must be your bland delivery that makes this truly inspired and original jest fall so flat. Yes, that must be it.
Tsukumoya Shinichi
Thank you so much for this clarification, QAWSED.
Tsukumoya Shinichi
As it turns out, the factor preventing any hilarity is you.
Hackey Mouse
was that a challenge?
Hackey Mouse
i can do better than that
Hackey Mouse
and before u go all sarcastic on me again - no i don’t particularly care whether u believe me or not
Hackey Mouse
i’ll just have to prove u wrong a few times that’s it, and that ain’t impossible, despite what ur smug face might think
Tsukumoya Shinichi
I’m sure you enjoy clinging to that belief, don’t you?
Tsukumoya Shinichi
Do have fun.
Tsukumoya Shinichi
Also find yourself a more productive hobby. This must be getting tedious by now.
Hackey Mouse
do not flatter urself. just because i find the time to send u some stuff, it doesn’t mean this is the only thing i focus on. i have a lot of hobbies and i’m great at multitasking, yanno.
Hackey Mouse
also, unlike u, i have friends.
Hackey Mouse
friends who are actual beings and not just a city
Tsukumoya Shinichi
Ah, now that’s where you’re wrong.
Tsukumoya Shinichi
I never claimed to be friends with the city at all.
Tsukumoya Shinichi
You see, the city doesn’t care about you. Or me. Or anyone. It is impossible to be friends with the city itself.
Tsukumoya Shinichi
And besides, as I have said before, I am merely an impartial observer. Need I reiterate this again?
Hackey Mouse
nah. got old the first time u said it
Hackey Mouse
and honestly i have better things to do other than hearing u go on and onnnn and oonnnnnnnnnn abt ur crush on the city
Hackey Mouse
(“impartial” my ass dont even start with that)
Hackey Mouse
so catch ya later~
Tsukumoya Shinichi
Pleasure as always, QAWSED.
Hackey Mouse confirmed dead!
Tsukumoya made a note of that - it annoys QAWSED when you talk about the city. Definitely talk about it more in future .
There would of course be a future. QAWSED wouldn’t just shut up and go away, which was a disappointment. Tsukumoya would have to put up with this for the forseeable future.
It could be worse, anyway.
QAWSED could stand a chance of getting in.
And that possibility was so implausible, it was almost funny.
-
Right. Okay. One thing Hackey had to realise - he wouldn’t get into Ikebukuro easily. Tsukumoya had an advantage against him - he was basically a hermit, as far as Hackey could tell the other AI never put his figurative foot out of that city, and this meant he knew the area better than Hackey could. Sure, he could look into outside sources, but that was different. He didn’t know the area.
Which meant he’d have to get creative, and look for openings. Creativity was good. Creativity, he could do.
Also, he couldn’t get in. As an AI, his code was way too complex, and way too hard to hide, especially from another AI. Which meant he couldn’t yet get in. Yet. Not yet. Important distinction. Not like he’d voice this to Tsukumoya, no. That would be like admitting defeat, which he definitely did not do, oh no. Just shifted his focus a tiny bit.
So, he couldn’t get in yet. But other files definitely could. He could communicate with Tsukumoya through the chat. He could send things.
And that’s exactly what Hackey Mouse did.
Sadly enough, this was a two-way street, as Hackey soon had to remember. Tsukumoya might not have left Ikebukuro, but he could send… well. Gifts, straight back at him.
Like that one time, when Hackey managed to get into one of Tsukumoya’s editors’ email account. And sent a very professional-looking email to Tsukumoya, with a video linked (“Your books became part of a discussion on SDCC, I got you a record of that.”), which obviously wasn’t what he claimed it to be.
It was obviously a rickroll - but no, obviously not the actual video. Tsukumoya would recognize the url, after all again. So Hackey had to make a new video - and he replaced Rick Astley with his own mouse mascot.
With big flashy letters shouting AS IF, NERD.
Which, in retrospect, was still hilarious as hell.
When Tsukumoya in retaliation infected all of Hackey’s MMO accounts with a virus that didn’t let Hackey move his characters at all, leading to a few humiliating defeats (some of them by Yellow of all people), that wasn’t nearly as funny.
At least from Hackey’s perspective. Tsukumoya would have thought otherwise, probably.
From that point on, it was war.
-
Nebula Report 12B
Project Vision (title pending approval)
Subjects are in contact however seem to exhibit no fondness for one another therefore is highly unlikely they will attempt to oppose any actions against the other. Recommend focusing of attention on Subject H first as Subject T is localised to Ikebukuro and will not leave so cannot interfere with testing in any way. Locating Subject H will indeed be more complex however subject does use some of the same networks over again simplifying task at hand. While Subject T may have fixed location, it is integral part of local network increasing difficulty of interference.
Received contact from Viradis Clan requesting we deal with Subject H first so this decision is now final and will go ahead as planned in due course.
Preliminary investigations complete. Ready to proceed to testing phase.
PS: REQUESTING RENAMING THE PROJECT BECAUSE IN THE ORIGINAL COMICS VISION WAS DEFINITELY NOT CREATED LIKE THIS WHAT THE FUCK
PPS: SHUT THE FUCK UP GREG AND ENJOY THE MOVIES