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Jax opened his door, stepping out of it after a “nice” nap. To be honest, he'd rather eat drywall than deal with Caine's bullshit right now, let alone even be here.
Gangle also stepped out of her room and made her way down the hallway behind the hare. She made sure to keep distance from him, and Jax noticed this. To compensate, he stopped in the middle of the hall as she kept walking—her stride had, however faltered, but eventually righted itself. When she got close enough, Jax smacked the back of her tragedy mask, sending her to the floor with a soft and pathetic mmph.
“I... didn't even have on my comedy mask...” whined the ribbon bitch, still on the floor.
After that, Jax decided he did not want to be around the rest of the cast today. There was a secluded yet open spot he could think of, which was atop the tube things that were near the tent's canopy.
Climbing them was relatively simple, so he did just that. After about thirty minutes, he was at the tippy-top of what was accessible to him. He laid down on it and stared at the top of the tent.
At the point when red stripes were barely distinguishable from the yellow ones (a really long time), he heard one of the most agonizing, booming noises that would be a worse punishment to hear for all eternity than the electric chair.
Caine.
“GOOD MORNING, MY... HUH.” The ringmaster seemed confused as to why nobody was in the main area. They were all either in their rooms doing the closest thing to masturbating they could think of or hiding, like Jax was. His last adventure had been one of the worst he had ever configured.
“OH, YEAH! I CAN DO THE SNAPPY THING!”
Jax sat up. Looks like he was going to be forced to be around everyone. Wonderful. He couldn't have wished for anything better.
Caine snapped his fingers, which acted as a kind of magnetic force for all the circus members, because, from various directions, the characters flew to the spot on the floor closest to the pair of dentures, all landing on a heap on the floor.
Thankfully, Jax was near the top of the pile. He easily got out of that situation as fast as he could, standing off to the side with his arms crossed as the others wriggled like helpless worms in a clump of mud looking for air.
Eventually, they were all out and standing in a line like it was the damn military. Pomni stood closest to him, giving him a worried glance with her red and blue pinwheel eyes, but the hare couldn't even be bothered to even look back at her. She was pathetic for caring about him, and that was that. He was a grown ass man that could deal with his own problems just fine without her or anybody.
“GOOD MORNING MY TUBULAR TWISTY TONGUES!” Caine beamed. “BEFORE TODAY’S ADVENTURE, I’D LIKE TO ADDRESS SOME RECENT SUGGESTIONS I’VE BEEN HEARING!”
“SEVERAL OF YOU HAVE APPARENTLY BEEN DISCUSSING SOMETHING IN THE SUGGESTION BOX CALLED...” He paused for dramatic effect.
“... 'PERIOD CRAMPS?' IS THAT RIGHT BUBBLE?”
“That's what it says on this paper in my mouth with all my saliva on it~!” His assistant then stuck out his tongue, a papery blob rolling off his bright red tongue, falling to the floor with a wet splat. The circus members all collectively made noises of disgust, and Jax backed away a step.
“O... KAY THEN.” Caine said, voice drastically deadpanning. “YOU'RE... WEIRD.”
“Can you hurry this bit up?” Zooble groaned, running a hand along his face. “Nobody really wants to be here—”
A large gloved hand connected to nothing and slapped clusterfuck across the face before disappearing in a poof.
“Hey! What—”
“SOMETIMES, MY DEAREST ZOOBLE, ITS GOOD TO SHUT UP!” Zooble responded by flipping him off.
“SO... I’VE DECIDED TO IMPLEMENT IT!”
Oh. That wasn't too bad. Jax wasn't a woman, so he was free from this random punishment.
Dentureface snapped his fingers again.
Jax doubled over so fast it looked like someone folded him in half.
“Oh!” Pomni blurted. “Oh my god.”
Jax grabbed at his stomach, pain so unbearable he was ready to puke. “What the hell... did you just do to me?”
“MOST SUGGESTIONS SAID TO GIVE THEM TO YOU SPECIFICALLY, JAX!”
Holy fucking shit.
“... They WHAT?”
To his left, he heard Gangle and Ragatha snickering, along with Zooble, who was cackling like a witch.
“Are—are you having fun, Jax?” Zooble sneered through her laughing fit. She doubled over too, but from the uncontrollableness of her chortling. “I guess this is what assholes get for being assholes!”
“Oh, believe me Zooble, I'm—” The pain hit again, making Jax whine, still a visible mess on the floor. “—I'm having a fucking blast. Dream come true, really—ohmygod—” Jax grit his teeth.
“HOWEVER, NONE OF YOU SHOULD WORRY, FOR I GAVE THEM TO THE REST OF YOU!”
“I have them too?” Kinger asked, pointing at himself.
“YEP, YOU TOO!” Caine confirmed.
“Oh!”
“Really?” Ragatha queried, looking up at Caine. “I didn't even—” the ragdoll stole a glance at Jax again, holding in a laugh. “—I didn't even notice, really.”
“Go fuck yourself in your button pussy with a stick, Rags,” Jax managed, folding in on himself even more.
“You, uh—” Pomni began, twiddling her thumbs like an idiot “You can't really do that if you're on your period, Jax.”
“I don't wanna hear it, Pomni!” Jax said, now yelling because the aches were so unbearable. “If women only pee once a month, I'm pretty sure you can do that!”
“You think women pee once a month?” Gangle peeped.
“Yes!” the hare spat, now laughing himself at the sheer stupidity of this bullshit. “Are—are you sure you didn't make my appendix explode or something?”
Caine shook his head(?). “NOPE! THIS IS WHAT WOMEN GO THROUGH TWENTY-FIVE PERCENT OF THE TIME! PLUS, I MADE SURE TO INCLUDE THE 'UTERINE LINING SHEDDING' DLC!”
“The shedding what?” Jax’s voice cracked. What the hell was a uterine lining? If anything was shedding from him, that probably wasn't a good thing.
Pomni pursed her lips into a straight line. “He's... saying that you're gonna... kinda... bleed?”
“Why is BLEEDING PART OF AN EXPANSION PACK?!” Jax shrieked, clutching his stomach as another wave of agony hit him.
“To make you truly feel the period, Jax.” Zooble mocked, stepping closer to the purple ball of agony that was Jax. They turned their head to their ringmaster. “Oh, Caine—you got a camera or something I can film this with? This is—this is your best work, honestly.”
“NO NEED! BUBBLE HAS BEEN OUR FILM CREW THIS WHOLE TIME, DOCUMENTING THIS ENTIRE EVENT FOR TRAINING PURPOSES!” Caine pointed at Bubble, who had a large black camera on top of him.
Pomni raised her hand like she was a fucking kid in elementary school. “Caine… if this is a biological simulation… does that mean—”
“YES! THEY DO LAST FIVE TO SEVEN DAYS AND A PREGNANCY UPDATE WILL BE COMING NEXT WEEK!”
“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN 'PREGNANCY UPDATE?'” Jax screamed, ears pinned back as if the very concept had punched him in the face. He scrambled backward on the floor, nearly toppling over again from sheer disbelief. “NO WAY! I AM NOT GETTING PREGNANT!”
Caine guffawed at the idea of Jax's exclusion. “OH, JAX. IM AFRAID IT'S TOO LATE, IT'S ALREADY ON THE SCHEDULE!”
Zooble cupped a hand around the vague area of her mouth and leaned over to the ribbon bitch. “Guess who's getting you in that maternity ward, Gangle.”
Gangle's eyes, in response to that comment, blew wide. “Oh.” A smile crept slowly on her face like a centipede Jax craved to shove in Ragatha's mouth right now. “Ohhhh.”
“AND NOW FOR TODAY’S THEMED ADVENTURE!” Caine waved his hands and the text MENSTRUAL MAZE appeared above him. “NAVIGATE THE UTERUS... AS ADORABLE WHITE SPERM! GOOD LUCK MY FABULOUS FERTILIZERS!”
As soon as this adventure was over, Jax decided, he was finding a gun and shooting himself in the head until he couldn't get up again to do so.