Chapter Text
The two sat peacefully in the dorm room that belonged to the guys who enlisted in the scout regiment, dedicated to helping the city. It was quiet. They left early while everyone was still eating and talking. Jean was currently staring at Marco. When Marco glanced up, he noticed Jeans stare, quickly panning his gaze to the wall.
Marco was a trainee with soft features and dark hair. His freckles adorning his face with a gentleness that nobody could wrap their heads around. His eyes were the same, but they were usually drifting off somewhere. He came from Wall Rose - the same as Jean. But, Jean on the other hand had sharper features and this blondish brunette hair that was cut nicely above a darker piece. He had brown eyes that were full of confidence. Anyone who looked into them knew that he knew where he wanted to go in life and had an amazing plan.
“So…” Marco managed, a soft hand reaching up to rub the back of his neck, his cheeks slightly tinted. He was no good at keeping eye contact, but for some reason..Jean was always staring. It made him nervous.
“So…” Jean awkwardly replied, practically repeating the same action as Marco, trying to look away. He just couldn’t. He couldn’t bear to look away from that oh so gentle and loving face…Those deep eyes that could beckon you with just a whisper. No…They didn’t even have to speak for you to be drawn towards them. Marco had this aura that reflected him and his personality perfectly, and everybody wanted to be around him. Marco had a dream of becoming an MP in the inner wall - Sina. He wanted to make a change. A real change. Not just something pathetic like boosting the defences of the walls. He wanted to be able to change everything and save people while he was at it. He had plans to help the struggling and ones who barely survived the attack on Shiganshina back all those years ago when Wall Maria was invaded by those cruel titans. Jean had always looked up to Marco. He wanted to follow him but for some reason his heart ached, as if he had another, stronger calling. But why…? He had always wanted to be in the military police to be safe and secure. He was scared of the titans in all honesty. However, maybe it was that same fear pulling him towards the survey corps…No…It couldn’t be. That was stupid. Why would he ever risk his life while being fully aware of what titans could do?
“Well…I didn’t imagine it being this awkward. After all, it’s not like we hate each other.” Marco laughed, smiling softly. That smile…That laugh…It killed Jean. He wanted nothing more than to lie beside Marco and gently trace figures that meant nothing down his arm, whisper in his ear. He wanted to sit gently beside him. But he couldn’t…Could he?
“Hah…Yeah. You’re right. Sorry I’ve been super zoned out lately. It’s my fault.”
“No- Don’t apologise. That happens, Jean. It’s alright. I understand.”
He froze, his face turning the same colour that Marco’s previously was. Comments like those were dangerous, not because it made him feel anything in places like that. He just…Really liked Marco. It was pathetic really, a man that hung up by a man from Wall Rose with…Dammit. He couldn’t even think about Marco without a detailed description of his beautiful face coming into mind. Jean quietly got up, moving to sit next to Marco, leaning against him slowly, trying not to startle him.
“You okay, Jean?” Marco quietly questions, adjusting his position to make sure Jean was sat just right. Oh Jean could melt right there and then.
“Yeah…I’m alright.” He responded, trying to match the softness in Marco’s tone. That was an impossible task, truly. He could never imitate that tender voice that had a hint of shy courage that wasn’t willing to escape him quite yet. His body was saving it for a better time.
The two sat in silence for a while before Marco started to slip down, exhausted. He quickly shifted to sit up properly but Jean gently placed a hand on his shoulder, easing him down.
“You’re allowed to rest, you know? It’s late…” He whispered, looking back to ensure the door was shut.
“…” Marco didn’t respond. He just started at Jean with a sense of hidden longing. They both admired each other in such strong ways, but neither would ever mutter the truth to the other. But sometimes it was too hard to hold feelings back, and now was one of those times. Jean slipped down next to Marco, a hand twitching, tempted to touch.
“Marco…” Jean managed, looking up towards him.
“Jean?” Marco questioned, as if waiting for the one beside him to act.
His hand stretched slightly before pulling back. However, just as he went to sit up, Marco quietly nodded, giving him all the confirmation he needed. Jean quietly pushed Marco’s sleeve up and over his shoulder, making sure his own hand wasn’t cold before using a single finger to trace nothingness down the length of his arm. He’d learnt that small gesture from his mother. He knew how gentle and relaxing it felt and had always wanted to pass it on instead of receiving it. Marco’s features went from bright and lively to relaxed and full of peace. His eyebrows smoothed out and the corners of his eyes softened. The longer he laid there, his lips gently parted, but only slightly. His hand slowly raised, dropping onto Jean’s face. He whispered something before fatigue came over him, causing his eyes to shut. Jean watched, shocked at how fast Marco could give way to the trance of resting. He slowly placed his own hand over Marco’s, trying not to wake him. He just laid in silence and admired those same gentle resting features that he had been for months. He just couldn’t seem to pull his eyes away.
It was like that for a few more months before the time passed and the two got into the top 10 cadets. The two spoke every day - just about little things, sometimes about events that had happened, and others about their home lives - and became far closer than they ever expected to. They always did little things during training without anyone noticing to help each other out even if they weren’t in the same groups. They began to mean a lot to each other…Maybe too much. That night, they slipped away again, this time closing the door in an even more discreet manner.
“You’re able to become an MP now, Marco.” Jean smiled, hopeful for him.
“Yeah! And you finally get to become one as well and have a nice life that you deserve..Jean.” Marco smiled, leaning against him while he stood against the door.
“Hah…Yeah.” He responded.
“What’s the matter?” Marco questioned.
“Nothing.” Jean responded blandly. That wasn’t like him. He should be celebrating right now…
Marco sighed, taking hold of Jeans arm, slowly sliding down towards his hand but never truly making it. He rest his own hand on Jeans wrist. “You can tell me what’s going on, yknow? Are you having doubts about joining the MP’s? Are you debating the Garrison instead?”
“No Marco it’s nothing-“ Jean was suddenly cut off, Marco’s eyes slightly wide.
“You’re thinking of joining the scouts? But Jean I thought you hated the idea of becoming one…”
“No, Marco. I’m joining the MP’s, I was just listening to what Eren said and it was a nice speech to hear. That’s it.”
Marco nodded, sighing. He wasn’t angry about Jeans doubts, he was just shocked. The man that had spent years boasting about becoming an MP and living in the capital was now doubting that dream…He slowly leaned closer. “I’m not angry at you, Jean. I really look up to you, I do. You know that I mean that, right?”
“Yeah…I know.” He smiled, quietly adjusting Marco’s hair that had slipped across the man’s face, covering those dark eyes. He gasped quietly upon seeing Marco’s gentle smile, his freckles standing out. He didn’t know what to do, and the aching feeling came back faster than he’d anticipated if he was being completely honest.
“…” Marco watched in silence before quietly leaning in.
“Marco…”
“Jean.”
Suddenly Marco got extremely close and Jean turned a crimson red, hoping Marco would seal the distance. He wouldn’t…Couldn’t. He refused to be vulnerable unless Marco blatantly asked him to. He’d do anything for that man. Marco was his one weakness.
“Do you want me to, Jean?”
“…”
Jean was silent for a moment, watching Marco. Marco usually wouldn’t bring up something like this, but he was and oh it felt good. Jean quietly nodded, watching as Marco leaned in. The two quietly embraced, their lips locking into place. It was perfect…Sweet, slow and just…amazing. Jeans head was spinning so fast that when Marco pulled away, his knees shook slightly. He rest his forehead against Marco’s, breathing slightly faster than he had been.
“Marco…”
“Jean…”
“Oh god. Don’t say my name like that.”
“Why not?
“Because you sound…Even more handsome like that.”
The pairs gentle and slightly nervous moment of passion carried on for a while before they parted, just resting in each others arms like that was all that mattered. Marco quietly adjusted so his head was resting on Jeans shoulder and in his neck. He breathed Jeans scent in slowly, relaxing further. “You smell so good…” “Huh…Really?”
“Really, Jean.” He knew that Jean adored hearing his name being whispered in that gentle tone, it made him weak and Marco loved that. At the end of the day, everything that was unpacked between them was caring and slow. It wasn’t rushed or lustful at all and it never would be. Well…Maybe eventually but definitely not for a couple of years.
—
A week later, the cadets were called to Trost. That was when everything went extremely wrong. The fight was long anyway, but it got even longer when the Colossal titan kicked the wall in, making room for titans to swarm and infiltrate. It was horrific, really. Jean had never seen anything like it before and to have a titan that close to his face was insane for him to admit. Regardless, the cadets fought valiantly and everything seemed to improve slightly when Eren had shifted and closed the gap in the wall.
The next day, everybody was sent out to find bodies of those who had been killed during the incident. They had cloths masking half of their faces so they didn’t have to inhale everything. Jean was searching, wondering why he hadn’t been able to find Marco the day before. He had assumed that Marco was just extremely exhausted and went to a separate room to hide away for the night. He couldn’t blame the guy, really. It was so bad that Jean found himself covering his ears again that right, nervously swaying in his bed and unable to sleep. However, as he turned a corner he saw a body…? No. It was half of one. He quickly rushed up to the body, ready to haul it up and declare a casualty. When he noticed the pale face, he froze. The body was torn and seemed as if it had exhausted its strength throughout the fight that it had endured. His mouth was wide open as a tear fell. It was Marco. His brave, caring, generous and hopeful Marco sat infant of him in half…A titan had gotten to him. Jean swore and crouched down, his arms carefully finding their way around the boy with now dull eyes. All Jean could picture was his wide and deep brown eyes that were always looking around rooms with a sense of curiosity and most of the time peace...He had never worked out why Marco had such a peaceful expression but he had never once complained. He actually enjoyed seeing someone in the cadets that wasn’t constantly nervous or angry. “Marco? Marco please…You have to be there. It’s okay I’ve got you now. You see?” He tried to laugh but he was that angry at himself and the world that his eyes had flooded. He never allowed his eyes to well up in-front of anybody. However, for some reason he just couldn’t stop. He caressed the brunettes ruined and blood full hair, praying for an answer from him. “Please…” His body violently shook as he lifted Marco into his arms. He felt like a cracked vase which hurt him even more. He could feel the extra weight that always came when a body was cold and non responsive. That sent him into a state of horror as he was forced to acknowledge the fact that Marco couldn’t still be alive. There was just no way it would have been possible, and if it had then Marco would have been miserable.
He quietly made his way to where the bodies were being dropped off, Marcos remains cradled in Jeans arms. He walked slowly, staring at Marco’s face the entire way. He couldn’t help himself. Not when the most beautiful person in his arms looked so miserable. He shifted one of his arms to lift his hand, placing it over Marco’s face and finally shutting his eyes. That was the last time he’d ever see those magnificent eyes shut. He wouldn’t see them slowly droop after they spent time together after dinner while the others were rushing around and making the most of what was left of the day before curfew. He would never see him choke on his drink after something extremely inappropriate was said. He’d never laugh at a joke over the table again and would especially never be caught smiling widely again. He already missed the intellectual conversation they had the other day about being an MP and what that meant to each of them. Jean had listened as Marco listed each of the changes he would make within the walls to ensure everybody lived safer and better quality lives. Marco had laughed when he realised he had been talking for almost thirty minutes straight, apologising and calling his own ideas slightly stupid. In response to that, Jean had insisted that they were beautiful ideas and ended up kissing him. But now those memories would be one of the few things of Marco’s that would belong to Jean. He made a mental note to quickly swipe Marco’s uniform when they got back from Trost, the thought alone sending a chill down his spine. As they reached the end of their journey, Jean gently placed a kiss on his still intact cheek before finally meeting up with the scouts, his face full of horror and anger. They tried to take Marco from his arms but he refused for a moment, still latched on like his life depended on it. He knew if he let go of Marco then he’d be gone for good. Sasha and Connie took hold of both of his shoulders, watching Marco.
“How did this happen…” Sasha murmured while Connie just stared in horror and grief.
They had been a four before, and now they were three. That was even worse to think about. While Jean lost his lover, Sasha and Connie lost one of their best friends. Everybody lost Marco. Marco was a light that kept everybody pushing for a brighter tomorrow. He was full of joy, hope, and plenty of ideas to change the world as they knew it. He had never been afraid to correct someone if they were being rude or just making straight up wrong comments. Jean loved every piece of Marco, and now here he was, forced to let go of him. Another cadet quietly took Marco from Jean, carrying him. Jean instantly tried to reach for Marco, being stopped by his two closest friends.
“No! Give him back dammit you’ll hurt him!” He shouted, becoming irrationally angry.
He was struck with grief and was trying to fight to reach Marcos body. It wasn’t like him at all. He would never wear his emotions these plainly on his chest, but here he was, risking everything to try and get Marco’s still body back. When Marco had been put on the cart and laid under a blanket, Jean dropped, watching as they wrapped up and began to leave.