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Andrew noticed Neil’s staring problem early on. Within a few hours of meeting him, bringing him to Wymack’s from the airport, then to the court. Even drugged up, he knew Neil stared. At first, Andrew rolled his eyes at it, knowing that Neil was trying to figure him out, but also knowing that he definitely wouldn’t figure him out. Nobody has yet, why would Neil be an exception?
The staring started to change over time, and it made Andrew’s skin crawl.
They were in the car, heading to Colombia. Andrew’s drugs were slowly leaving his system, so Aaron was driving with Kevin in the front seat. Andrew was closest to the door, Neil in the middle, and Nicky on his other side. It was obvious that Neil was still hesitant about coming to Colombia with them, but Andrew didn’t give him a choice, so here he was.
Andrew felt the exhaustion hit him hard right as they left Palmetto. He’d missed his last dose that he was supposed to take around dinnertime, so the withdrawal started right around when he’d normally take his last dose of the night. He let his eyes shut and his head rest on the window, trying not to hear whatever conversation Nicky was forcing everyone into. He was way too excited for this.
They left a little later than usual, and nobody thought anything about it. Andrew realized when they were about three miles from Sweeties when he felt the nausea hit early. “Pull over.” Andrew says, harshly.
“We’re almost there.” Aaron says, trying to argue that they don’t need to stop.
“Stop the fucking car.” Andrew says, a little harsher. He feels Nicky and Neil’s eyes on him, and Aaron slowly pulls off to the side of the road. Andrew’s hands are shaking and he has a bead of sweat dripping down his neck. He fucking hates this. He shoves the door open before they’re even at a complete stop and immediately throws up before he can get out of the car. Nobody says a word, but he feels eyes on him as he empties his stomach.
Once he thinks he’s okay again, he spits a few times to get the taste out of his mouth, which didn’t work, and grabs a mint that Kevin holds out. Kevin’s not looking back, but he can assume. Andrew takes it, annoyed, and puts it in his mouth, shutting the door. Everyone’s silent for a minute before Andrew speaks again. “Drive.” He says, and Aaron doesn’t hesitate. Nicky goes back to talking, this time a little quieter, obviously unsettled by Andrew’s withdrawal, but Neil doesn’t attempt to join in.
Andrew’s head is back on the window, but he lets his eyes dart over to glare at Neil. Neil’s staring at his face hard, not trying to look away when Andrew notices him. “Stop.” Andrew says, his voice rough.
“Why do you do this to yourself every week?” Neil asks, and the car goes silent, startled by the question.
“Fuck off.” Andrew says, shutting his eyes again. Neil’s eyes don’t leave him, he can tell, but he doesn’t speak up again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They were up on the roof. Andrew was off his drugs, finally, and Neil clearly didn’t know how to act around Andrew. He stares as Andrew silently smokes a cigarette, his face void of all emotions. He holds his hand out for his car key and Neil drops it in his palm without a word. “Stop staring.” Andrew says, his voice obviously a little annoyed.
“Why’d you give me your keys?” Neil asks in response.
Andrew glares at him, not answering the question. He didn’t know how to answer. When he gave Neil the keys, he didn’t think twice about it. He didn’t even consider giving them to anyone else, not even his brother.
“Are you ever going to speak to them?” Neil asks when he realizes he isn’t getting a response.
Andrew takes another long drag of the cigarette and blows the smoke in Neil’s face. “No.” Andrew says simply, knowing that he is going to have to speak at some point, but he refuses to now.
Neil doesn’t acknowledge that. Maybe he knows it’s a lie. “You still have my keys.” Neil says, realizing that his dorm key and the keys to the court were on the same ring as the car key. Andrew takes the car key off of the ring and drops it off the roof. He watches as Neil sees them fall the four stories to the ground, and then he drops his half-burnt cigarette behind them.
“Not anymore.” Andrew says, standing at the edge, staring out across campus now.
Neil doesn’t say anything as he leaves, but a few minutes later, Andrew sees him picking up his keys from the ground, and then for some reason, the cigarette. He takes a drag of it, looking up the four stories at Andrew. The weight of his stare is heavy, like he’s trying to prove a point. Andrew sees Neil’s blue eyes and newly red hair, and not much else. The rest of him was rather unremarkable, or… well he tries to convince himself of that.
Neil does a little two finger salute, giving Andrew a once over before dropping the cigarette and walking back inside. It infuriates Andrew for no good reason, but he won’t show it. He refuses to show it. He doesn’t know how to handle emotions anymore, so it’s better to push them down. He decides that Neil has a staring problem.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They were in the dorm room, Nicky having gone out for a DVD to watch, Kevin in his room, and Neil right next to Andrew on a beanbag. He made the mistake of kissing Neil on the roof a few weeks ago, and the staring has just gotten worse. He should have never kissed him.
He feels eyes on the side of his head the second that Nicky walks out of the door. “Staring.” Andrew says, somewhere along the lines losing the ‘stop’ to that statement, and now just merely pointing it out.
Neil hums but doesn’t change what he’s doing. Andrew hates the way he stares now. He stares like Andrew means something. He most certainly does not, but Neil doesn’t seem to understand that.
Andrew turns his head to Neil, glaring at him. His eyes are far too soft. No longer the searching stare, no longer trying to figure Andrew out. He figured him out months ago, somehow. Andrew hates that with a passion. “Keep staring and I’ll cut your eyes out.” Andrew threatens, but Neil just grins, which only frustrates Andrew more. “Yes or no?” He asks, hoping that kissing him will make him shut his eyes and stop his staring. He hadn’t kissed Neil in over a week at this point, and he is not making this a regular thing, but maybe it will get him out of Neil’s system.
“Yes.” Neil answers without hesitation, and that frustrates Andrew even more. He moves quickly and pins Neil’s hands above his head, his back against the floor. He’s not letting Neil touch him if he’s going to do this. He looks down at Neil, and his staring has just gotten worse. He curses under his breath and presses their lips together hard. Neil grins into the kiss, but his body goes completely pliant. Fucking stupid, he shouldn’t let himself trust that easily.
Andrew will not admit how much he enjoys these kisses. It’s the most he’s allowed himself in years, and without the drugs as a wall around him, he feels the kiss incredibly too much.
His lips move quickly, almost violently, and Neil doesn’t seem to mind. He doesn’t try to move from Andrew’s grip, and Andrew does admit that he likes that. Neil knows that a no is a no, and his no touching rule is not up for debate.
Neil breathes heavily after about a minute, and Andrew feels his stomach flip a little. He thinks that he likes that Neil is getting worked up by this. He likes that he has control, that’s for sure.
Their lips stay locked together for far too long. Andrew hates that he likes Neil’s lips on his this much, but it’s just his lips. It has nothing to do with him. He breaks apart when he hears a body hit the door and Nicky complaining from the other side of it. Neil’s breathing roughly and staring up at Andrew with slightly hooded eyes. Andrew doesn’t say a word as he gets off of Neil, lets his hands go, and heads to the door. By the time Nicky’s back in the room, Neil is sitting up like nothing happened, but Andrew can see the little intent on his hair where he was laying on the ground.
By the time he sits down for the movie, right next to Neil, he can tell that Neil’s eyes flick back and forth from the TV to him. He sends a side-eyed glare at Neil, and Neil just grins, focusing his eyes back on the TV. His staring problem needs to stop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Neil’s staring problem does not stop. In fact, it gets worse. They’re on the bus after a game, Andrew in his usual seat, alone, Neil in his seat right in front of Andrew, and the rest of the team at the front of the bus talking. Neither of them say a word, so Andrew shuts his eyes. He knows he won’t get any rest, but there’s no point in looking out the window when he’d just be staring at the dark highway.
It doesn’t take long for him to feel eyes on him, and he knows that Neil is staring. “Staring.” Andrew says, not yet opening his eyes.
Neil doesn’t respond, so Andrew opens his eyes, seeing Neil on his knees in his seat, his head resting on his arms on the back of the seat as he stares down at Andrew. “Stop looking at me like that.” Andrew says, not being able to handle the softness in Neil’s eyes as he looks down at Andrew. They’ve gotten closer, they kiss more often, sometimes Andrew will press his hand into Neil’s pants, sometimes he’ll even get on his knees for Neil. He hates it, but he can’t stop anymore. It’s gotten too far to stop.
“Why?” Neil asks, tilting his head to the side, and Andrew does not think about how adorable that is. The scar on his cheek is hidden in his arm, and he finds that he does hate that. Neil’s scars are a part of him, a part of his past, and Andrew’s come to find a little comfort in them, as fucked up as that is.
Andrew doesn’t respond, he just looks at Neil for a minute and then shuts his eyes again. He knows that Neil is grinning even though he can’t see him. “Are you sleeping?” Neil asks, and Andrew hums, but neither can tell if it’s in agreement or not. “Me and mom stayed in California for a little while.” Neil says, and that random bit of information has Andrew opening his eyes again. He hasn’t gotten much out of Neil about his past or his parents or anything really. He realizes how little he knows about Neil, and he isn’t opposed to knowing more. “Before that, we were mostly on the west coast for a while after Austria.” Andrew knows now that Neil speaks German, but he wasn’t sure exactly where he learned it. From his inflection and accent, it seems like it would be more likely that he learned in Germany, but Austria isn’t much different.
He lets Neil talk about all of the places that he lived or passed through or stayed in for a night. He talks about squatting in some rich guy’s house, breaking into cars when they didn’t have one and sleeping in the backseats, and even on one occasion where they spent the night at some museum in Switzerland. He stares down at Andrew with that softness in his eyes the whole time, and Andrew doesn’t mention it again. He doesn’t really know why he doesn’t tell him to stop looking like that, maybe because he knows Neil won’t listen.
The ride back to Palmetto felt shorter than it should’ve when he was listening to Neil talk about any and everything for the ride. He didn’t realize that he’d listened to Neil for three hours until they pulled back into the stadium parking lot, and Wymack called back to them to tell them to get the hell out.
Andrew silently filed away everything that Neil said, hating that he wanted to know more, everything.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This time was different. Andrew had Neil pressed to the bedroom door, a hand down his pants, listening and feeling every gasp and moan coming from Neil’s lips. It didn’t take long for him to finish Neil off, it never did. When Neil’s breathing was rough and he was sated, Andrew felt how incredibly hard he was in his pants, and decided after a long moment, that he was going to take care of it right here. He wiped his hand off on Neil’s shirt, getting a small glare from him once their lips broke apart, but when Andrew reached for his own pants, Neil’s glare turned into something else that had Andrew’s stomach flipping.
Andrew knew Neil wouldn’t touch him. His hands were behind his back, pressed down by the weight of their bodies, but he didn’t want Neil to look at him either. He pressed his lips back to Neil’s so that he would shut his eyes, and he took himself in his hand. He was hesitant about doing this, but he wasn’t ready to back away yet, and he didn’t want to have to go to the bathroom and deal with himself there again. He’d been doing that for far too long.
Andrew strokes his hand slowly, silencing any noises me might’ve made with Neil’s lips. Neil didn’t try to stay quiet, he never did. He breathes harshly into Andrew’s mouth, and when Andrew’s tongue pressed past their lips, he let out a small, surprised, but pleased, noise. Andrew’s hand sped up at that. He usually deals with his arousal quickly and violently. It’s what he liked, but with his hesitation, he took it a little slower.
He felt a little weird about doing this in front of Neil, so close to him, but the fact that Neil couldn’t see or touch him helped. As he sped up his hand, he started breathing harder into Neil’s mouth, and Neil kissed him a little harder every time, offering silent encouragement. It was surprising how much he likes that.
When he finishes, his hand stills and his mouth falls open, but he doesn’t move from Neil’s lips. He breathes harshly into Neil’s mouth and Neil just grinned against his lips, his breathing also a little quicker than usual. Andrew pulls himself back together as fast as he can, not liking how vulnerable he feels right now, and does his pants back up without moving away from Neil’s mouth. Neil presses a softer kiss to his lips and he returns it for a second before needing to get out. The second his pants were back to normal, feeling disgusting against him, he pulls away. Neil doesn’t stare this time, he just grins and nods, and Andrew turns his back and heads to the bathroom.
He cleans himself up, changes pants and underwear, and stares at himself in the mirror for a minute, trying to piece together why he felt comfortable enough to do that. He hates the feeling he gets afterward, like he needs to get far away, like he can’t face Neil again, but he also feels some sort of familiarity and contentment for Neil. He didn’t speak, didn’t touch, didn’t even try to push Andrew. It was good, he thinks, and he feels a little guilty about how much he liked it.
When he pulled himself together and quickly sent off a text to Bee saying that he needed an appointment earlier this week to sort through his emotions, he walked out of the bathroom. Neil has changed into cleaner clothes and is scrolling through his laptop, likely looking for an Exy game to watch. He was on his own bed, so Andrew made his way to his bed without a word. Neil shifted to lay on his side, facing Andrew, and his eyes flicked between whatever he was watching and Andrew. Andrew scrolled on his phone for a few minutes before feeling too restless to keep looking at nothing in particular.
He looks up at Neil, feeling his eyes on him, and Neil doesn’t look away. “Your staring problem has not gotten any better.” Andrew comments, seeing the adoration in Neil’s eyes. It’s fucking stupid, he thinks, that Neil looks at him like this. He doesn’t deserve to be looked at like that.
“I like staring at you.” Neil says, way too softly for Andrew’s liking.
“Clearly.” Andrew says, shaking his head. He acts like it’s from annoyance, and it is a little bit, but it’s more amusing, really.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the championship game against the Ravens and they were destined to lose. They thought, at least, but then Kevin scored with two seconds left of the game, and the final buzzer sounded on a Fox’s win. Andrew didn’t care all that much, but he was partly (mostly) responsible for the win by locking the goal down and making Neil switch to backliner.
Neil immediately dropped to his knees, obviously exhausted, and everyone stared up at the score in disbelief. The celebrations started quick, the Foxes ran for each other, hugging, Dan and Matt kissing immediately as they got their helmets off, everyone hugging Kevin, Kevin smiling like he’d just won the fucking Olympics. Neil stayed on his knees. He stayed there, staring up at Riko, who was frozen in disbelief.
Andrew saw the second that Neil’s mouth started to move, and immediately started for him. It was a good thing he did, because the next thing he knew, Riko was lifting his racquet above his head, intending to hit Neil over the head. Without his helmet on, with the angle that the hit would land at, with the force of an angry Riko Moriyama, Andrew has no doubt it will either come close to or kill Neil.
Andrew made it just in time, lifting his goalie’s racquet, which is much heavier than any other, with more force than Riko was coming down with. The second that his racquet hit Riko’s arm, there was a disgusting snap of bones, and then Riko falling to the ground, screaming as he clutched his arm.
Andrew debated on killing him right there in front of everybody, but Neil was his concern. He grabbed Neil by the arm and dragged him off the court, as far away from Riko as they could get. Neil had a hard time staying upright with his exhaustion, but if Andrew needed, he could easily look past his own exhaustion and haul Neil off of the ground.
He dragged Neil all the way into the foyer before he looked at him. He threw his helmet off to the side, he never got the chance to take it off earlier, and he realized that there was practically a full-blown brawl on the court. The Foxes would get hurt. He knew it, but he didn’t care, not even if Kevin and Aaron were in the middle of it. He had to make sure that Neil was as far away as possible.
Neil hit the ground the second they stopped moving, so Andrew squatted to be level with him. He looked at Neil, made sure he wasn’t hurt anywhere, and then heard Wymack loudly yelling at the foxes to get into the foyer. The Foxes started trailing in, and Wymack wasn’t nearly as mad as he should be, so Andrew assumes that it was a Raven who threw the first punch after Riko’s arm was clearly mangled.
Andrew grips the sides of Neil’s face, ignoring everyone else coming in, and Neil stared up at him. He felt the stare heavy but could only shake his head. He knew that Neil likely said something to make Riko react like that, but it was also likely well-deserved.
“I’m okay, Andrew.” Neil says, his voice obviously exhausted, but he was smiling a little bit. “You broke his arm.” He says, grinning.
“Shut your stupid mouth he was going to kill you.” Andrew replies, obviously furious. Not at Neil, at Riko, but to some, it would look like the opposite. Neil knew it wasn’t, and nodded.
“Wouldn’t be the first time someone tried to kill me.” Neil comments, and that makes Andrew that much angrier.
Andrew stares at him, hearing that the Foxes had gone silent, watching them two, but Andrew didn’t care. Neil’s stare was exhausted, but it held the same amount of emotion as it always had. Andrew felt his chest practically tear into two at that. He was almost killed and still only cares about staring back at Andrew like that.
“Why do you insist on staring at me like that?” Andrew asks but doesn’t let Neil answer before he’s pressing their lips together. Obviously, the Foxes knew that something was going on there, they’d known since Baltimore, but seeing it was clearly different than knowing it was going on.
He heard a few gasps and a couple of mutters among the Foxes, but he presses his hands into Neil’s hair, gripping slightly. Neil’s hands hesitate to go up to touch Andrew, but Andrew nods and Neil’s hands go to his jaw. Andrew pulls back just as quick as he pushed forward and they stare at each other, their hands still on each other. “You know why I stare like that.” Neil says quietly, and Andrew just stares back, not knowing what to say.
They’re silent for a minute, there’s a silent conversation in their eyes, and Andrew understands. His eyes go a little wide, and Neil nods. “Can I say?” Neil asks gently.
“No.” Andrew says, he can’t hear it. He can’t let himself hear it. He doesn’t deserve it.
“Why?” Neil asks, knowing the likely answer.
“Because you shouldn’t.” Andrew says, shaking his head.
“But I do.” Neil says, and that’s the furthest he’s pushing. That quiet, non-declaration that says more than they’ve ever spoken aloud. He sees it in Neil’s eyes, he always has. The adoration, the searching looks, the softness, and now Andrew can put a name to it. Love. Why Neil would feel that for him is a mystery, he doesn’t deserve to hear that word directed at him. He doesn’t know if he can handle it.
He takes a minute to think, to contemplate how he feels about that. They aren’t even really together. They have never put a name to their thing. It’s always ‘this is nothing’ or ‘this isn’t a this,’ but somewhere along the lines, it did become a this. It’s nothing, but as Neil said, Andrew’s always said he wanted nothing. And it’s true.
Andrew nods, and Neil grins a little. “I can say it?” Neil asks, needing to be sure.
Andrew hesitantly nods, but speaks up before Neil, “Don’t expect me to say it.”
“I don’t.” Neil says, still grinning. Neil deserves more than this. He deserves more than what Andrew can offer him, but he doesn’t seem to want it. “I know that you do.” Neil says, and Andrew’s head spins a little. He’s never been shown love by anyone but Cass, and that was entirely different from this. She was going to be his mother, she is supposed to love him, but Neil isn’t. Neil isn’t even supposed to like him. The fact that he does like Andrew is almost worse than… loving him. Neil opens his mouth to speak again, but the next words that come out are in German. He’s aware of the Foxes staring. He’s aware that German gives them a little more privacy than English. “Ich liebe dich.” Neil says, quietly.
Andrew hears Nicky’s gasp, he feels Aaron’s wide eyes, and his little huff of breath in surprise. Andrew’s stomach twists, and he can’t tell exactly what the emotion is that he’s feeling. It’s guilt, shame, absolute disbelief, and something else, something good. “Ich weiß,” Andrew says, his voice shaking a little bit.
Neil nods and smiles. His stare absolutely burning holes into Andrew’s walls. He knows it is, he knows that Neil is everything to him now, and he doesn’t get why, but he’s everything to Neil too.
After a few long moments of them staring at each other, Wymack clears his throat, making both of them turn to him, glaring hard for ruining the moment. “Sorry,” Wymack mutters, but he gestures behind him to the cops standing there. They both look at each other and nod, deciding that this is put on hold, but not over, and they let the cops ask them a million questions.
By the time they’re allowed to leave the stadium, it’s past two in the morning, and almost all of the Foxes have fallen asleep somewhere around the stadium. Neil managed to fall asleep in the shower, leaned against the wall until the water ran cold, multiple of the foxes fell asleep on the benches in the locker room and foyer and on the field, some even went up to the stands and sat to wait and ended up falling asleep. Andrew didn’t. He couldn’t. His mind was racing, and his heart was pounding as he worked through his emotions. Neil loves him. They’re not even boyfriends, and Neil loves him. Well, maybe they are boyfriends. Maybe they have been this whole time. Maybe they have been since Baltimore or since that bus ride two months ago, or maybe it was before that. Maybe it was the second that Andrew got off his drugs. He can’t pinpoint it. He doesn’t know if he wants to. He hadn’t realized it at the time.
They loaded onto the bus by two thirty AM, and nobody spoke. They were too exhausted from the statements, too exhausted from the game itself, and emotionally spent after the whiplash of winning, then Riko’s likely career-ending injury, then immediately fighting, them witnessing Neil and Andrew’s moment, then police statements and doctors. It was emotionally and physically exhausting.
Neil slipped into his normal seat, the foxes spread out all one to a seat, but Andrew couldn’t stay in his own seat. The second the bus started moving and the silence stretched, Andrew moved up into Neil’s seat. Neil didn’t say anything, and neither did Andrew. Andrew just wrapped an arm around Neil’s shoulder and pulled him closer so that Neil’s head was resting on Andrew’s shoulder. “I’m glad you didn’t get killed.” Andrew says, and that’s the closest he’ll come to saying those words back anytime soon.
“I’m glad you stopped him.” Neil says back, pressing a soft kiss to his shoulder, letting Andrew know that he understands. “Thank you.” He says quietly, his eyes falling shut as sleep takes over.
Andrew lets himself relax a bit, he feels a heaviness in his chest, but it’s not a bad one. It’s a quiet, comfortable, good, feeling that he can now recognize as love.