THE HOMEWRECKERS

www.homewreckers.com                                MOST READ NEWSPAPER EVER!                                   Jun 17, 2022

DAIRY QUEEN DIVORCE ESCALATES INTO FULL-SCALE EMOTIONAL, PHYSIOLOGICAL AND THERMAL WARFARE

The incident centers around two former Dairy Queen employees, Martyn Littlewood and Pearl Mooune, whose decision to go "above and beyond" and “conduct independent competitive research” at the Burger King across the street has since been described by management as “emotional infidelity."

“Pearl'd not clocked in for her shift, and I was like, 'mm, okaaaaay, so, weird she didn't it call in, but, like, hey, maybe she's sick or something.' I was willing to let it slide, give her benefit of the doubt and all, right? But, then,” said assistant manager Scott Smajor, “I'd look out the window and seen she was literally just skipping out on our co-shift — in the middle of lunch rush, too, mind you, up and abandoning me — to be off with Martyn in Hell [Burger King], the two of them sculking around together and taking notes like they were in some kinda greasy 'lil spy movie!"

“I don’t care if they called it ‘research,’” Manager Zumbe said in a statement. “I don't care if they were trying to 'be useful'. I simply do not care. They were being emotionally, and literally, unavaliable for this company. If you are physically inside another fast food establishment during your scheduled shift, that is cheating. Straight-up. That is corporate adultery."

The termination occurred last Friday at approximately 3:42 p.m., in what witnesses described as “a heated confrontation.”

According to our sources, Littlewood attempted to argue that his actions were an attempt to “provide for the franchise,” while Pearl maintained that she was just following Martyn's lead.

Neither excuse was accepted.

In just the next week, Littlewood was spotted outside the Dairy Queen in a heart-themed minivan that was described by all eyewitnesses as some synonym of "completely atrocious", holding a portable speaker, a microphone, and what appeared to be a hastily printed sign reading: “DAIRY QUEEN PLEASE TAKE ME BACK”.

“My man sang like it was a break-up,” said witness Jimmy Solidarity, “Like, as if the ice cream machine left him for someone with better fries or somethin'."

The Home Moaners Association petitioned for removal of the vehicle under the claim that the automobile was causing the neighbourhood's property value to tank. Unfortunately, Littlewood jammed their paper machine, and so they did not recieve enough signatures on account of lacking any parchment paper to sign.

Over the next several days, Littlewood reportedly performed an escalating series of increasingly elaborate serenades towards Dairy Queen. His setlist included modified versions of popular songs, all rewritten to reflect his regret and longing for reinstatement.

“He did a version of ‘I Want It That Way’ that was just ‘I Want My Job Back’ over and over again,” remarked bystander Grian Mcraft.

On the flipside, unlike Littlewood, our sources confirm that — like a normal person — Pearl Mooune did, indeed, simply seek employeement elsewhere. At least, initially. 

Mooune found new employement at Box. She remained an employee for roughly twelve and a half hours before tragedy struck when her employeer tripped and fell down the stairs, breaking both his legs in the process, whilst trying to chase her down after she was caught joyriding in one of the company's cars.

She was subsquently both dismissed from the company and banned from the ever retuning to the premises.

"She be an unholy demoness, my dudes!" said Ren Doguh, manager of Box and Mooune's latest ex-employeer, "She hath brought a foul intent into my workplace, a wicked purpose lurking in thine eye, man! She walks, and where her foot doth even lightly press, the bloom of life wither to its tomb... she's freakin' nutsicles!"

Following Mooune's termination from Box, reports began to surface of unusual temperature fluctuations inside the Dairy Queen.

“See, at first, I just thought the AC had broke,” reported Smajor. “Weirdly, It'd only go on the fritz during my 5am shifts, but I just assumed coincidence 'till I'd spotted Pearl breaking into the store's back room —  like an absolute pyschopath —  to tamper with our thermostat!"

According to witnesses, Mooune claimed that, since her sub-optimal reviews from her last two places of employement, "no 'nother workplace was willin' to take poor 'lil me in!", and so she decided to use the abundance of free time she now had on her hands due to her forced unemployment to pursue new hobbies. These new hobbies include what she described as "tickling" and what her ex co-worker described as "thermal harassment".  

"I'm just helpinggggg! Just 'cos I'm fired don't mean I can't do a bit'ta helping out, yeah? Just keepin' it nice and chilly for 'em, that's all! Keepin' all our goodies from thawing out! Just showing 'em what a good, thoughtful employee they're missing out on!" claimed Pearl Mooune when interviewed. Our reporter could not tell if she was being geninue or sarcastic in this statement.

The streak of misfortune which followed Mooune like a plague gained her a small cult following — notably, including both Doguh and Littlewood, who began to worship her as a witch and malevolent demonic deity.

The situation escalated further when manager Zumbe and Smajor decided to retaliate.

They established a daily ritual of punching each other in the face outside Dairy Queen's parking lot each morning to "establish dominance" over their ex-employees and, then, implemented a five-foot laminated sign outside the Dairy Queen's window reading: “WE ARE OVER HIM.”

This only proved to exacerbate the tension.

The escalating back-and-forth quickly began to affect Dairy Queen business operations. Customers reported confusion, discomfort, and, in some cases, “a strange emotional attachment to the relationship drama.”

Local news outlets soon picked up the story, dubbing it “The Diary Queen Divorce” and providing daily updates on what had become an increasingly absurd situation.

“Holy cow, It was frickin' surreal!” said reporter B. "Bdubs" Double, “We're coverin' a story 'bout a minor business dispute, and, then, suddenly, there’s a heartbroken guy singing to a frickin' building while 'nother ex-employee is turning it into a walk-in freezer and startin' a cult! Crazy."

Corporate representatives from Dairy Queen eventually conducted an internal review of the situation. In a brief statement, representatives confirmed that both Smajor and Zumbe had been terminated for “failure to maintain professional boundaries and contributing to an escalating situation.”

“All parties involved demonstrated a level of engagement that, while passionate, was not aligned with company values,” the statement read.

As for the individuals involved? Well, their futures remain as uncertain as their occupations.

“So, not gonna lie, two weeks into their whole, uh, break-up thingmajig," said Tango Tehk, former Burger King employee, "we got our faces' shut down 'cause those stupid jerks' divorcifying got DQ a ton of publicity and our butts couldn't really compete. If I'm honest? If I'm honest, yeah, I don't think they actually even noticed."