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“At the crossroads, keep moving forward.”
“Or something like that,”
“(I was never really good with endings.)”
After writing those last few words out, I had a few days to myself to reminisce — no, more dwell on the past (or, in a better word, all the pasts that ever existed, all at once).
With the omnipotent knowledge that now wedges itself within each crevice of my brain, I guess the future and the present also exist within it, which proves that time repeats itself (it was a lingering question that I had about the mechanics of time, so a part of me feels a sense of satisfaction upon finally knowing the answer).
It’s fascinating in a way that I can never describe in words—all of these questions I had now solved in an unintelligible scripture that only I could understand. That insatiable curiosity within me had finally gone quiet, with the knowledge of ‘everything’ at my fingertips.
It was calming to finally be able to stop and witness the secrets of the world I yearned to explore, even if it meant destroying my only means of doing so. It might’ve been the only thing that was keeping me sane, actually, just…
Pondering.
Gazing upon the knowledge that was never meant to be mine granted me a bit of solace, even if I knew my time on earth was limited.
My death is something inevitable, really, since Hastur’s knowledge was pinpointed at the ‘central organ’ or ‘the datacenter of the human body’, so, yeah. There wasn't really much I could do as I watched each part of my body shut down, so I never really bothered with expending too much thought about them.
First, it was my legs, but I didn’t really need them anyway.
Then, it was my hands. It was a few hours after I wrote my final letter, so I guess I can at least be grateful I got to say goodbye to Avery. It’s too bad for the rest of my food stock, though, since it’ll all be going to waste.
It was hard for me to feel it, but my internal organs have also started to slow down. My heartbeat isn’t as loud as it used to be, and each breath I take feels sharp — in a ‘dagger straight to the lungs’ kind of way (I’m more surprised that they didn’t shut down immediately).
There’s probably a better way to word it, something more creative, but I can’t really be complaining about that when I know everything there is to come.
My eyes haven’t shut down yet, though, I guess that’s one of the only things that’s keeping me sane by this point. It might be some sort of desperate attempt to get me to stay viable as a vessel, but then again, what can you really do with this body of mine?
No matter how much I want to avoid the thought, my current body is nothing but a rotting corpse, but I'd say it's a good thing, seeing that it’ll be the means to bring down the king with me.
It’s that thought that ‘this is for the greater good’ that keeps me from lingering on those thoughts of what could’ve been.
It’s that singular thought that distracts me from the excruciating pain that comes with the slow rot of my body, and if I hadn’t done anything, that pain would’ve been prolonged for much longer.
I could already deduce that I was already doomed from the moment I laid eyes on the king, since it would be a pain to glue my eyes to the screen for 24 hours at a time (it would especially be embarrassing if I went out for groceries).
And, I would feel even worse if I had to burden someone to take care of me because of my own mistake. I’d much rather go out for something greater, to actually be useful before I die, and so, that preference translated into merging with Hastur and rotting in my own home.
I can’t help but wonder, sometimes, if there actually were a universe where both me and Avery had lived on without the influence of Hastur, but… No matter how much I try, every future of my own stops at this very moment.
Was I always truly doomed from the start of my life?
Was I actually destined to sacrifice my body to a Lovecraftian god for the sake of the greater good?
Was this all I was really destined for?
…
Despite every single question—all of which I already knew the answer to—rooting into my head like a parasite, all it did was taunt me about what I used to believe in.
I can’t help but dream—it’s in the core of humanity to do so.
I had aspirations I wanted to pursue,
Goals I wanted to achieve,
questions I wanted to discover on my own.
It’s a shame, really. All the knowledge in the world, and no way to use it. But maybe it’s a good thing—humans have always thrived upon discovery and exploration, I think that’s one of the main things that makes us human. But I can’t help but wonder sometimes about how this could’ve been used in the world.
We could’ve built upon this knowledge, chased the skies, created a civilization that could conquer even the farthest of galaxies, we could’ve strived into a new era of civilization. Though it was not because of Hastur, I saw this occurring in one of the many futures that spilled into my head.
I wish I could’ve seen it without needing an entire god to corrupt my mind with omnipotent knowledge.
But, there’s not much point in holding regrets as I’m on my deathbed.
Or.
Death – death chair, or whatever.
I just hope you held onto your promise about keeping the recordings. A part of me was always afraid of being forgotten in time, I guess.
Back then, I wanted to make my mark on the world,
To let the world see my hand, to let them see what I had to offer in this vast world of ever-growing discoveries. I believed that I was capable of that, and I sought so hard to prove myself in everything I do.
I wanted to do it myself. It came with my curiosity about everything, I suppose.
I kept on questioning, I kept on learning, it was this… insatiable hunger for knowledge that kept on enabling me to wander into places I should never have gone to.
It’s what led me here. It’s what drove me to wander through whatever hellhole that was; it was what pushed me into this inevitable doom that I seem to pull myself into in every timeline. I guess I would be the ‘cat’ in the saying ‘Curiosity killed the cat.’
Although it would be more of ‘Curiosity pulled the cat into a digital world controlled by a Lovecraftian God, tempting it with cookie crumbs of a world—a story that never existed from the start’.
Did you know ‘curiosity killed the cat’ isn’t a complete quote?
It’s actually ‘Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back’. The full quote feels a bit more nonsensical, but I do see it as a representation of what I feel now.
While satisfaction won’t bring me back, I do feel satisfied with my decision.
I saw the beauty of the universe because of it,
I got to see the future, the past, and the present, all layered on top of each other on a loop of constant replay. I could recount each moment as if it were my own, and I could watch each branch form the moment a split decision was made. I watched new galaxies form and collapse, the same way a star would die out and explode into a supernova.
Actually, I noticed something after analyzing everything the world, the universe, and everything else has to offer. Although this is already a conclusion that you could deduce right now, I find that it has more meaning when you know every single factor that comes into play when it comes to how things are created and how things die out.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, truly is something that governs the universe in more ways than one. There’s something beautiful about it, the fact that no matter can completely disappear or be destroyed — the same way materials can be created and destroyed, the same way souls can reincarnate into something new.
I wondered if I would be able to return to dust after I had passed away, but it seems there is no way for me to do so with a god latched onto my brain like a parasite. At first, I felt existential dread about that, but as time went on, I had no choice but to accept it.
It was better than letting Avery suffer through this, if I were to be honest. Unlike me, whose future is doomed to end at the hand of fate, his future had much more life left to live.
That was the other reason why I chose to sacrifice myself instead of Avery.
When I first came face-to-face with the king in yellow, where my mind first ‘corrupted’ with omnipotent knowledge,
You, Avery, were one of the figures that popped up in my head.
You, who would suffer in a world alongside me, in a world we did not belong in.
A byproduct of a cost that was too great for you to bear.
In all honesty, I felt bad for you. I never meant for you to spend your New Year's Eve searching for a stranger, Avery. But you’re stubborn, and I was stupid not to take that into account when trying to save you.
You kept pushing through, despite everything that deterred you from succeeding. Even then, at the final platform, even as thousands of eyes watched you—threatening you— into sacrificing yourself into insanity, you didn’t budge.
You didn’t budge because…. You didn’t want me to face it alone.
It was frankly stupid, I cannot say that enough. It was stupid to think that there was another way to save both of us and the world, and it was stupid to even try— it was all stupid.
And I hate that even in my dying moments, my heart is latching onto that one singular moment. That first taste of your own self-sacrificial nature, a byproduct of your own self-esteem.
I cannot rationalize the feeling I felt seeing you push against my own logical reasoning, solely because you didn’t want me to face it alone—that sense of responsibility that you did not need to bear, I could not understand.
Avery.
I think that was when I concretized my decision to save you.
Even though your decisions may be, I couldn’t help but see myself in you. That stubbornness, that drive.
God, your passion to persevere. I guess you reminded me of how to be human when insanity started to leak through the cracks of whatever was left of my own humanity.
If there even exists a God, then I would pray to so that you never change despite everything that’s happened. It’s not to say that everything I did would go to naught if you did change, but I would much prefer your unending drive to persevere through the years regardless.
You found your own way to persevere in a world catered to one scale of value. I can see that you will — no matter what path your future may take you. You’re stubborn, and that's a good thing, in this case.
It doesn’t take omnipotent knowledge or an entire god to know that you’re destined for greater things.
Well, maybe it did influence my decision, but regardless of whether omnipotent knowledge had corrupted my mind or not, I would’ve come to the same conclusion just by simply knowing you.
And if we take advantage of my new, profound knowledge,
I got to see your future, specifically.
Your past, present, and future, all looping just like the others. There were also alternative versions of you, living different lives, pursuing different paths, living a life that you, yourself, never believed you were capable of.
I did not want to rob you of the life you could’ve lived, Avery.
In some, you graduated from a prestigious college and situated yourself in the ever-growing world.
In some, you chose to settle down and marry a sweet woman who would take care of you until the earth deemed it no more.
In some, you pursued gaming as your passion, moving on to the championship games.
You either won or lost; it was an equal chance.
But, regardless of the outcome, you never stopped moving forward. You created a world for yourself, and you paved a path that only you could take. For the first time, as I processed all of these memories, these scriptures, I found myself calling it beautiful in a way.
Avery, I can’t say that I was able to understand you at a glance, but I guess there was beauty in that, too.
You spared me solace in a corrupted mind — you helped me stay sane a little longer, even if insanity had slowly started to take hold of me.
To you, Avery, who reminded me what it truly means to be human.
To you, Avery, who reminded me what it truly means to live,
To you, Avery, who reminded me what it means to keep moving forward.
To you, Avery, who will forever push forward, no matter what may weigh down on your shoulders,
Even if I won’t be able to see it other than an imagined image in my head,
Even if this rotting body will soon close on its head,
I don’t ever want you to think that you failed me.
That you failed to save me, or that you were too incompetent to think of a solution like me,
Because it’s thanks to you that I got to see the beauty of life one last time.
It’s thanks to you that I got to see you one last time,
Even if I had to punch you off the platform. I apologize for that, by the way, even though you won’t ever hear this in your life.
That is to say, if you even remember everything in full detail afterwards, I’ll just have to pray that you do, to whatever god other than a parasitic one may hear it.
Avery, I wish I could tell you now.
You’re destined for greater things. There is no life for you to pave but your own — a life that only you can succeed in.
You are real.
You are special.
Never forget who you are, Avery.
At the end of the day, I’m still not that good at endings. But as an old classic,
At the crossroads, keep moving forward.
I know you, Avery, out of everyone I know in this universe, would know how to do so.