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It was hard to say what had gone wrong, exactly, with the toffee apples; it was harder still to figure out how to right the problem.
The results, however, were spectacular.
Each set of jaws that sank into each perfect candied orb… stayed there, as if the toffee were a kind of Permanent Sticking Charm bonding teeth and apple. So far no one had choked to death. But in the grand spirit of the meek inheriting the earth, those students who had not shouted with greed and snatched up the first batch of toffee apples enjoyed the spectacle of half the school plugged up with apples like so many suckling pigs.
Remus Lupin, for one, could not sit up straight for laughing so hard; his stomach muscles had all seized up and he wheezed on the bench where he was slumped over.
Sirius Black glared at him and swore (in his head, his mouth being otherwise occupied) never to eat sweets again in his entire life.
Lily Evans had dashed from the hall the instant she understood what had happened, and now she wandered between the tables with her camera, shooting roll after roll of film. She always returned to the Gryffindor table, however, where James Potter and Peter Pettigrew had somehow managed to stick their apples together. They sat sideways on the bench, glaring at each other, except for when Lily came by and they glared at her.
There were plenty of glares from the staff as well. Slughorn and Flitwick had been caught like flies in a web. Dumbledore had been spared simply because the Divinations Professor had been nattering on and on about the merits of panty girdles (although his left hand had been nearly about to grab an apple by its stick when the first peals of laughter started; he was not entirely innocent). McGonagall, whose idea of a decadent snack was tinned salmon, had half-risen in her chair, eyes snapping magnetically to her own first-years, but the usual suspects were either innocent or stupid enough to get caught by their own mischief. Either way, she had more pressing matters to worry about.
Half an hour later, just when the spasms of jaw pain were beginning to get really bad, the Ancient Runes tutor finally discovered how to unlock the toffee (much to her relief). Parchments were delivered to each table, and students queued up to sign their names and write, I am a greedy pig, oink oink, the apples falling from their mouths as soon as the last i was dotted. Lily took pictures, and at least one of the parchments from the staff table was later found to be missing.
Back in the boys’ dormitory, James, Peter, and Sirius, still opening and shutting their mouths to get rid of the cramp, dropped onto the rug and put their heads together. Words like “brilliant,” “ace,” “wicked,” and “wish I knew” drifted out of their huddle. James looked up and over his shoulder.
“Hey, Lupin,” he said, and the quiet boy turned in the chair at his desk. “You didn’t get stuck, did you talk to anyone? Any idea as to who did it?”
Remus shook his head, and his feet swung, kicking the legs of the chair.
“Hope it wasn’t the bloody Slytherins,” James said, turning back.
“Wouldn’t have been—it was their head of house who got stuck, greedy pig, and no on could say they didn’t see it coming. Did you see Slughorn, Lupin?” Sirius asked, and Remus nodded. “He won’t pick on you in class again after that, we’ll oink at him.”
“Next time—“ Peter said, and they huddled again.
Safe from their eyes, Remus Lupin rested his head on his arms and smiled a secret, wicked smile.