Chapter Text
"Sherlock…oh, where, oh where could my little Sherlock be?"
Daddy is calling out my name; I can hear him coming down the hall toward my room looking for me but I put my hand over my mouth to keep from calling out. I'm so good at hide and seek that Daddy does this trick where he calls out for me because sometimes I can't resist the urge to talk to him. So, this time, I put my hand over my mouth so I don't say, "Here I am!" I'm in a good spot so I don't want him to find me yet.
I've been hiding under the bed for a long while now and it's a little uncomfortable. I'm so tall it's hard to hide myself in the small space but I manage. I'm covered in dust and I chock back a sneeze. I run my fingers through the dust on the floor and draw pictures in it; for a minuet my mind gets derailed, making a detailed catalog of what is in the dust but I push those thoughts away. I don't want my mind going into grown up thoughts right now. I focus instead on making smiley faces in the dust and nearly jump when I see Daddy's feet by the bed, walking around and looking for me.
"My goodness, my Sherlock is such a good hider; where can he be?" Daddy says loud and confused; I have to put my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing too loudly.
Daddy goes to the closet and whips it open. "Hmmm…no Sherlock there" Daddy says. "I wonder if maybe he's…HERE!"
Before I can guess it or see it coming, Daddy grabs me by the ankles and pulls me out from the bed, sliding on my belly laughing all the way.
"There you are you little sneak!" Daddy says when he pulls me out of the bed, his face smiling and his hands tickling me.
"I thought you'd never find me!" I say, between laughs as Daddy continues to tickle me. It's a good thing I'm wearing a nappy because I think I wee a little bit from laughing so much. "You're a terrible finder!"
"Oh, am I now?" Daddy asks, like he's mad but I can tell that he isn't. "I always manage to find you so I don't think I'm that bad a finder."
Daddy tickles me all over my belly and neck and feet; he even finds the small tickle spots like under my knees and just below my nappy parts. I laugh so hard my stomach hurts and I'm lost in the feeling of how fun it is to be with Daddy like this. I love getting lost in feelings; it only happens when I'm little.
Daddy tickles me until his phone begins to ring and he stops to answer it. I'm still laughing when I see his face fall and I stop laughing immediately. He looks so worried…so upset; he never looks that way. I find that I can't hear the words he's saying but I keep my eyes on his face and watch it look more and more upset. My stomach feels sick like I'm going to throw up and he hangs up and stands up.
"I've got to go, Sherlock" he says, all joy and playing out of his voice. "Harry's in the hospital again. I've got to go; it's really bad this time."
My mind struggles to be big even though I feel scared and that makes me want to just be little. "I'll come with you" I say without hesitation, making my voice sound big and strong as I can manage. Daddy looks so small and helpless and scared I want to scoop him into my arms the way he does me and makes me feel safe.
"No…..it's better if you stay here." Daddy tells me. I expected this response. Harry has been hospitalized several times over the years that I have known John due to her alcohol abuse. I have still never met her and John would have it be that way forever. I don't know why he's so set against it but he is and I don't push. He and Harry never even see each other unless she's in the hospital and even then I'm pretty sure she's horrible to him.
"Okay…I'll stay here" I say, trying to sound brave but I'm scared. I'm scared for Daddy and how he will feel seeing Harry. I'm scared how he would feel if Harry died. I'm scared I'm even thinking about Harry dying and I hope I never say something about it out loud.
Daddy gives me the briefest of smiles but it's terribly forced. "There's my good little boy" he says, giving me a kiss on the forehead before he runs out of the room.
I walk into the sitting room but Daddy is gone long before I get there. Feeling little and confused and scared, I sink to the floor, knees drawn up to my chest. There's so many feelings…I feel overwhelmed. Usually Daddy helps me with the feelings but he can't because the feelings are about him. I think about crying; maybe that will help. I try to force out tears and though I manage to get my eyelashes wet, I don't really cry so I give that up. I don't know what else to try but it's becoming hard to breathe. I put my hand over my mouth and scream into it. I feel a little bit better but not much.
I want to help Daddy. It's been a long time since he had to see Harry so it's hard to remember what to do to help him. I recall that he was sad but he didn't talk about it and the next day he was fine. This time, I want to help him but I don't know how.
Daddy and Harry are brother and sister so I try to think about Mycroft and how I would feel if he were really sick. That would make me sad even though I am bad to Mycroft so much of the time but feeling sad doesn't help me figure out what to do to help Daddy; I just feel sad. Then my grown up mind tells me that Mycroft is seven years older than me and statistically he will probably die before me, especially with his high blood pressure and high cholesterol that he won't address. Great….now I feel even worse than I did before and I still can't help Daddy.
The flat is quiet and I can hear a clock ticking somewhere. I can smell the scent of biscuits cooking; chocolate chip. Nana has to be making them and I suddenly get a great idea; I can go to Nana and maybe she can help me. Even if she can't, she's nice and takes care of me and I don't want to be alone now.
I pick myself up off the floor and go to my room to get some shorts to put over my nappy. I am just wearing my T-Rex t-shirt and my nappy which Daddy says is fine for at home but if I am around Nana or Mycroft it's polite to wear trousers over my nappy. I don't know why since they both know I wear nappies but Daddy likes me to be polite so I do it. I find the matching dinosaur shorts that go with my shirt and put them on before wondering down to Nana's flat. Personally, I'm happy Nana never found anyone to rent 221C; it's nice to be able to walk around little between mine and her flats.
I knock on the door and feel instantly better when Nana looks at me with a smile. "Aw, Sherlock. How nice to have you drop in. Thought the sweets might tempt you" she says with a wink.
"It wasn't that…I just wanted to visit" I say, pulling at the hem of my t-shirt. Normally, Nana could summon me with her wonderful sweets but this time I just wanted to see her. I mean, I will take some biscuits if she gives them to me but I was really just lonely too…..
Nana smiles. "Well, even better then" she says and opens the door a little wider to let me in. "I just got some biscuits out of the oven. We can have some tea and talk."
That sounds nice; Nana takes my hand as we walk to the kitchen and I nuzzle my head against her shoulder. Nana looks surprised I'm so cuddly but she doesn't ask me why; maybe she already knows.
"Just have a seat and I'll get us set up" Nana says brightly. She puts some biscuits on two plates and pours a cup of tea. "Would you rather have tea or juice, Sherlock?"
"Juice" I say. It's sweeter than tea and I like that.
Nana looks in the refrigerator. "I'm guessing you don't like cranberry so it'll have to be apple" she says.
"Apple is good" I say with a smile. Daddy hardly ever lets me have apple because he says it's got so much sugar. And I definitely hate cranberry even if it is good for your weeing.
Nana puts apple juice in my special doggie sippy cup that I keep at her house and brings a plate of biscuits to the table. As soon as she sits it down I begin to chomp on one. They're so sweet and warm and good that I eat two before I remember to be polite like Daddy says.
"Thank you" I mumble out between bites of my third biscuit. Crumbs spray everywhere and Nana just laughs. Daddy would say it was rude.
"You're welcome, sweetheart" Nana says, sipping her tea and smiling at me.
After a few more biscuits my stomach feels full of sweetness and I'm gulping my juice when Nana asks me, "So, where is your Daddy? He doesn't usually leave his little boy on his own."
It is then I remember about feeling sad; funny how I forgot about it so much when I was eating the biscuits. Now they feel heavy in my belly. "He's at the hospital with Harry; told me to stay here" I tell her and I try not to feel like crying. I pull my lip into my mouth so it doesn't wobble.
Nana looks a bit sad at this. "Aw, what happened?" she asks.
"I don't know" I admit, feeling sadder. I don't know why but Daddy being sad makes me sad even though I don't feel like it should. "He just told me Harry was sick and I should stay here. He looked so sad…and scared."
"And that makes you scared?" Nana asks but she asks it like it's not a question but a statement.
I nod only because I feel like if I talk I might cry. Nana reaches across the table and takes my hand even though it's covered in chocolate. "It's okay to be scared" she tells me, "When someone we care about is upset it makes us upset too."
"I want to help him" I tell her, staring down at our hands. Daddy always helps me and I want to make him feel better but I don't know how.
"Sometimes when someone is having a really tough time, there isn't much that you can do for them except be there for them" Nana tells me. My stomach sinks for a minute, thinking that that is all there is, that I can't help Daddy. But then Nana goes on. "But I'm sure that just being with you will help him feel better when he finally gets home. You are the best cuddler, you know?"
Nana grins at me and squeezes my hand and I feel much better. "I am?" I ask even though I can tell that she is telling the truth. She really does think I'm the best cuddler.
"Of course you are" Nana says, "Your Daddy is lucky because I know he has unlimited amounts of Sherlock cuddle time. I know he will feel better just having you around. And you know what else?"
"What?" I ask, excited and feeling not so scared anymore.
"Today is Father's Day. Why don't we make something special for Daddy for when he gets home?" Nana asks with a smile and a hopeful look in her eye. Nana really is the best for crafts. Daddy never likes the mess of glitter and paint but Nana has all the best crafts stuff and when I want to do crafts I come to her flat.
I'm very excited now, bouncing up and down in my chair. "Yes! That would be a great idea!" I say, full of happiness now. Maybe it won't make Daddy's problems go away but maybe I can at least make him happy when he gets home.
"Well, then, let's get to it" Nana says, taking my hand and leading me out of the kitchen. I hop all of the way, feeling even more energy from my excitement and all the wonderful sugar.
…..
I take a small nap at Nana's; I surely didn't mean to. After we made a card for Daddy, we laid down on the bed because Nana looked tired and she said she wanted some of my 'perfect cuddles' so I couldn't be mean and say no. I closed my eyes and nestled up close to Nana, feeling warm and content and then the next thing I knew I was waking up again. Right now, Nana is still asleep so I sit up and get off the bed as quietly as I can so I don't wake her. Old people need longer naps than I do so she needs to sleep longer. Me, I need to get back to my flat and wait for Daddy to come home.
When I get up to our flat, Daddy still isn't there yet. I hold the card in my hands that Nana and I made; it's full of the brightest colored paper I could find and all of the glitter Nana has and it says, "You're the best Daddy ever". And that's true; Daddy is the best possibly Daddy I could ever dream of having. I want him to know that and I hope even though he's sad that it might help him not be so sad.
While I'm waiting for Daddy I try to do any sorts of things to keep me entertained but nothing seems to matter. I try to color but it doesn't feel right. I try to build with Legos but I can't build anything good. I even try jumping on the bed but it doesn't make me feel happy like it would if I did it when Daddy wasn't around and I got away with it. I even go so far as trying to eat something for dinner because I know Daddy would want me to but it feels sick in my tummy so I just sit on the couch with cartoons on but I don't watch them.
After what seems like forever, Daddy finally comes home. He looks so tired as he walks into the room, throwing off his coat and coming to sit next to me. He doesn't even say hello or look happy to see me so that's how I know he's really upset. He just sits next to me, staring down at his lap and I feel helpless. What should I say? What should I do? I have no idea and it's not a feeling I like having.
"I made you something for Father's Day, Daddy" I say at last, surprised when the words tumble out of my mouth. I hand him the card before I see how he reacts.
"I didn't even know it was Father's Day" Daddy says, talking the card. He smiles but it looks tired.
He reads the card and some big emotion I can't place is on his face. "Oh, Sherlock…..that's so sweet of you" he says. "You're the best baby ever, you know. I really love you so much. This was so thoughtful"
I'm pleased at Daddy's words as he pulls me into a hug. I think he's happy and that I did my job right until I realize that this hug is all wrong. His arms are looped around my neck and he's hugging me so tightly that it hurts but I don't say that and then I realize Daddy is shaking.
Daddy is crying…
What's worse is that it isn't just regular tears he's crying; he's sobbing. They are loud, rough sobs that shake me every time and I'm terrified. Daddy never cries; he's always tough. I don't know what to do when he cries. I push back my little thoughts and try to be big but I still don't have any answers. I try to search my memory for a time John cried and what I did about it but I can't find one. This is unprecedented.
I just stay still as Daddy clutches me and wait for him to stop. I'm a little relieved, but not much, when Daddy's sobs lessen and he lets go of me. I fall back on the couch beside him and am alarmed by the sight of Daddy's red face, covered with tears.
"I'm sorry about that" Daddy says as he wipes his eyes. He looks embarrassed that he cried but that doesn't make sense. I cry all the time and he sees it.
"You don't need to be sorry. I just…..want to help" I tell him, hoping I can help in some way.
Daddy pauses for a long time, wiping his nose on his sleeve like he always tells me not to. "Harry's dying" he says, his voice thick and hurt, "The alcoholism is going to kill her just like it killed our father. It's horrible to watch; there's nothing I can do for her"
I still don't know what to say; it is horrible, Daddy losing his sister like that. Nothing I can say will change it so it seems it wouldn't matter to say anything. But I know I have to say something. "I'm sorry" I say because I am sorry it's happening and that's what people say when something bad happens.
"I know….."Daddy says, looking so sad and lost that I want to do something, anything, for him. Strangely enough that's when he says, "Can you do something for me, Sherlock?"
I don't have to think at all before I answer. "Anything…I'll do anything you need" I say enthusiastically. I really mean it; for Daddy, I really mean it.
"I know its Father's Day and you love me being your Daddy. But today I want to feel little like you. I need that….to forget" Daddy tells me. He looks sad and lost; he looks at me like he wants me to help him and it scares me a little bit. But Daddy always takes care of me and it's the least I can do to help him.
When I answer I let my voice get deeper and more serious, so Daddy knows I mean what I say. "I do love you being my Daddy…..but I love you being John too" I tell him. He starts to smile and when I see it I grab his face and kiss him hard.