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‘A more pleasant afternoon I have rarely spent,’ Vastra declares, picnic basket in hand.
‘Regent’s Park is very beautiful in the spring,’ Jenny agrees, blanket tucked under her arm.
‘Even more so with you in it, my darling.’
Jenny smiles coyly at her as they continue their walk home down the cobbled streets.
‘Anglin’ for something, are you?’
‘Surely I have no idea what you’re talking about,’ Vastra says innocently.
She nudges Jenny playfully with her shoulder as they turn onto Paternoster Row.
‘Hang on,’ Jenny says, looking up and stopping dead in her tracks. ‘Was the house like that when we left?’
‘It certainly was not,’ Vastra agrees, mouth falling open in shock.
Thirteen Paternoster Row is covered in vines and flowers, with ivy winding up over the brick work and windows.
They rush home to investigate and, upon opening the front door, find that the extensive foliage continues inside the house. Fighting through the vines and shrubbery, they call Strax’s name, trying to locate him, before splitting up to cover more ground.
Jenny ducks and weaves under the vines, feeling them pull at her hair and clothes. She finds Strax in the armoury, which seems to be the epicentre of the plant explosion as it remains untouched and free of the foliage.
‘Strax!’ She yells, fighting through the doorway. ‘What’ve you done now?’
‘Miss Jenny!’ Strax says brightly, turning from his tinkering to face her. ‘Everything is under control!’
‘It bleedin’ well is not!’ Jenny retorts, brushing leaves caught in her waistcoat. ‘House has turned into a rainforest!’
‘A rather unexpected side effect of my latest invention,’ he admits, then throws her what he has been tinkering with. ‘Here, take a look.’
Jenny catches the small device and inspects it, turning it over in her hands. Metallic and flower-shaped, she smooths her fingers over its surface. A small yellow button sits in the centre of the flower.
‘Doesn’t do much,’ Jenny says, pressing the button repeatedly.
‘For goodness sake, boy, don’t press that!’ Strax bellows, snatching the device out of Jenny’s hands.
He throws it to the corner of the armoury, grabs Jenny’s arm and dives for cover behind his workbench. Jenny lands roughly on the floor next to him with a resounding thump.
‘What the hell is that thing?’ She demands, ducking behind the workbench.
‘A grenade,’ Strax beams, wide-eyed.
‘Oh, for fuck’s--’
It explodes with a mighty bang.
Shrapnel shoots out of the device and pings off the weaponry at fierce angles, whizzing past the workbench at frightening speed. Jenny buries her head in her arms for protection and simply hopes.
‘An emphatic success!’ Strax declares, once the commotion has ceased.
‘Emphatic my eye!’ Jenny yells at him across the floor. ‘You nearly killed us!’
She scrambles to her knees, ready to unleash a further assault of colourful language, when Vastra emerges at the armoury doorway.
‘Jenny?’ She calls, voice full of concern as she battles with the vines. ‘What in the Goddess was that?’
‘He threw a grenade at me!’
‘Madame!’ Strax grins, getting to his feet. ‘How was the picnic?’
Vastra glares at him and pulls Jenny to her feet, checking her over. Content with her lack of injury, she turns her attention to Strax.
‘Without wishing to sound wholly ungrateful, your grenade does very little damage,’ she hisses.
Strax chuckles to himself. ‘That is because it is not your typical grenade, Madame! Behold my latest invention; a seed grenade.’
‘A seed grenade,’ Jenny glowers, picking shrapnel out of the walls. ‘With thorns.’
‘An added bonus,’ Strax continues gleefully.
‘Forgive me, Strax, if I fail to understand the purpose of such a device,’ Vastra says sharply, emerald brow arched. ‘Or the extensive new greenery both inside and outside the house.’
Strax peers out into the forest-like corridor and grimaces. ‘A minor mishap with my initial prototype.’
‘I’ll say,’ Jenny mutters.
‘It’s all under control now,’ he says dismissively. ‘Besides, the new foliage will produce vast quantities of oxygen - perfect for your inferior respiratory systems, lad!’
He thumps Jenny proudly on the back.
‘We’re not leavin’ it like this!’ She glares, gesturing furiously to the thick vines and shrubbery.
‘Ah,’ Vastra begins gently, admiring the foliage, ‘but it does remind me of my Siluritum. This new addition to the household interior is not a terrible one. Perhaps we could…’ she catches Jenny’s eye and sighs. ‘We shall clear it, of course.’
Strax takes great pleasure in removing the greenery from the household interior with his blaster gun.
---
The next morning, Vastra sits at the breakfast table with Strax. Jenny is still washing and dressing after a lazy morning of pleasurable activities and is yet to join them.
Vastra butters toast and spreads a generous portion of raspberry jam over the top, ready for Jenny’s arrival. Next, she dunks three sugar cubes into her wife’s tea with a tiny sigh. It is becoming more and more apparent to her that her spouse would likely die from sugar-related causes.
‘Strax, I don’t recall you actually telling us the purpose of your seed grenade,’ Vastra ponders.
His eyes light up at her renewed interest and he sets down the newspaper. ‘While the immediate damage is minimal, the long-term effects of my new device shall be remarkable, Madame.’
‘How so?’
‘The seeds and pollen contained in the device will be inhaled by our enemies upon detonation. The DNA of the seeds will then interact with our enemies DNA, manipulating it into the seed’s genetic information.’
Vastra sips her tea. ‘Meaning… our enemies’ DNA shall be converted into plant DNA?’
‘Precisely!’ Strax beams. ‘Of course, I myself am immune to such a device. Thanks to my probic vent, I am not required to breathe this planet’s disgusting air.’
Vastra sets her tea cup down. ‘Miss Jenny was in the room when your grenade detonated.’
‘Ah… yes,’ Strax muses, considering this for the first time. ‘That is… unfortunate.’
‘Mornin’, Jenny greets them, coming to sit at the breakfast table.
Vastra and Strax both turn to stare at her in nervous silence.
At the sudden quiet and attention, Jenny looks up and frowns. ‘What?’
‘How do you feel, lad?’ Strax prompts.
Jenny’s expression morphs into pure confusion. When has Strax ever asked her how she is feeling?
‘Yes, my love,’ Vastra broaches, with a gentle hand on Jenny’s arm. ‘Are you well this morning?’
‘Of course,’ Jenny says, with a pointed look. ‘You’ve been with me all mornin’.’
‘I have not forgotten,’ Vastra says with a knowing smile. ‘You do not feel unwell?’
‘I’m fine,’ Jenny insists. ‘Just hungry, that’s all.’
Reassured, Vastra nods and slides her the plate of prepared toast. ‘Here.’
Jenny stares at it blankly, almost offensively. ‘Don’t fancy it.’
‘It’s your favourite,’ Vastra reminds her. ‘Raspberry jam.’
Jenny shrugs and pushes the plate away. ‘I’ll eat something later.’
‘You just said you were hungry, boy,’ Strax says with a shake of his head. ‘How fleeting human experiences are.’
Concerned, Vastra passes her the sugary tea.
Jenny drinks that quite happily, then announces that she will be going to hang the washing out on the line.
‘See, Madame? The lad is fine, no need to worry.’
Vastra remains unconvinced.
---
After washing up the breakfast items, Vastra is in need of something very important; a cuddle.
She heads to the terrace to find her wife.
The washing line is empty. The laundry still rests in the basket.
Jenny sits at the patio table, shirt sleeves rolled up, dozing in the sun. Vastra looks at her with great fondness. Her wife looks positively serene. Perhaps the morning’s activities have tired her out.
Quietly, Vastra takes the forgotten laundry basket, hangs the clothes out on the line and heads back inside.
---
With a start, Vastra looks up from her copy of Great Expectations and observes the mantelpiece clock. Is it really dinner time already? She’d been so absorbed in her book that she’d completely forgotten the time.
Time to gather the troops, as Strax would say.
She places her book back on the shelf and heads to the armoury to call Strax. On the way, she looks for Jenny, who is not in any of her usual spots. Not in her reading nook, or the training room or in the kitchen baking sweet treats.
‘Is Jenny not with you?’ She asks Strax, poking her head around the armoury door.
‘After yesterday?’ Strax chuckles and sets his tools down. ‘I shall assist you in locating her.’
They hunt all through the house but still can’t find her. A troubling thought occurs to Vastra and she suggests they head to the terrace.
Upon her arrival there, Jenny is still sitting in her patio chair in the sun, completely unmoved.
Vastra shrieks and runs towards her, shaking her awake.
‘Blimey, alright!’ Jenny exclaims, blinking awake.
‘Strax, fetch your medical scanner this instant!’ Vastra bellows.
‘Yes, Ma’am!’
‘What’s wrong?’ Jenny mumbles, confused in her sleepy state. ‘What time is it?’
‘Six thirty! Get up, please, you must move into the shade,’ she instructs, pulling Jenny towards the house.
‘No,’ Jenny whines. ‘It’s nice in the sun.’
‘Yes, but not all day,’ Vastra hisses.
She all but drags her reluctant wife into the house and sits her down in the drawing room armchair.
Jenny blinks tiredly, dark eyes adjusting to her new surroundings.
‘Was I really out there all day?’
‘Indeed. You must be terribly dehydrated. Let me see your skin.’
Vastra presses gentle fingers to Jenny’s cheeks and neck, expecting to find raging sunburn across her fair and delicate skin. Incredibly, there is none. Her face is just as soft and smooth and pale as this morning, although some freckles have bloomed across her nose.
‘Here we are, Madame,’ Strax announces, carrying in his medical scanner and a jug of water. ‘Drink up, lad.’
Jenny gulps the water down.
‘She has been sitting in the sun all day but isn’t burnt, explain that to me,’ Vastra demands.
‘It ain’t that hot,’ Jenny interrupts, then goes back to drinking.
‘My love, you burn like toast.’
Strax switches on his scanner and holds it over Jenny’s frame, moving it slowly up and down. The incessant beeping sets Vastra’s nerves on edge. Jenny continues to chug her water.
‘No damage at all. You have been respiring magnificently!’ Strax says proudly, then squints at his scanner. ‘In fact, your energy levels are off the charts.’
‘Impossible,’ Vastra scoffs. ‘She’s eaten nothing all day.’
Strax fiddles with the settings of the scanner. ‘I stand corrected! The boy has been photosynthesizing magnificently.’
‘Takin’ photos?’ Jenny asks, with a frown. ‘I don’t remember that, Strax.’
Vastra buries her face in her hands.
They decide to keep an eye on Jenny overnight whilst they try to come up with a solution.
---
The next day, the city is shadowed by dark clouds that hammer rain down onto the streets. Jenny looks miserably out of the sitting room window, wishing for the sun (now her only food source) to return.
At lunchtime, she rushes into Vastra’s study with breathless excitement.
‘Look!’ She exclaims, holding her arm up to Vastra’s. ‘I’m like you!’
The light green tint of her skin nearly sends Vastra into cardiac arrest.
‘Excellent chloroplast function, lad!’ Strax compliments. ‘You must be delighted.’
Vastra grumbles and stomps back to her drawing board.
---
Just past midnight, in the middle of their brainstorming session, Jenny sneezes.
A flurry of maroon petals are expelled from her mouth and flutter delicately to the floor.
‘Fix her,’ Vastra growls.
Strax chuckles nervously and returns to his blueprints.
---
‘I have the solution!’ Strax announces in the early hours of the morning.
Vastra looks up tiredly from her desk, eyes bleary. Empty cups of tea are strewn around the study.
‘I highly doubt that,’ she mutters, rubbing a scaled hand across her face.
Jenny rouses from her sleep in the armchair at his declaration, green-tinted skin gleaming in the firelight.
‘What you got, Strax?’ She asks, gulping down more water.
It’s the fifth jug she’s drunk today, under Vastra’s encouragement. The potential consequences of wilting are not ones they’d like to explore.
‘It’s simple, really. All we have to do is remove the plant DNA from Jenny’s cells.’
‘That is what we have been trying to figure out for the past two days,’ Vastra reminds him with a petulant glare.
‘Exactly,’ Strax agrees chirpily. ‘Which is where my human grenade comes in.’
‘Goddess, save us,’ Vastra begs.
‘How would that work?’ Jenny inquires, with a genuine interest that concerns Vastra.
‘Instead of a grenade filled with plant matter, I shall fill it with… human things. A sort of Simian reboot, if you will, to exchange the plant DNA for human.’
‘So, what you are telling me, Strax, is that you’d like to detonate a grenade within close proximity of my wife for the second time this week?’
‘Precisely.’
Jenny shrugs. ‘It’s worth a try, I s’pose.’
---
Three days after his seed grenade was detonated, Strax’s human grenade is prototyped and ready for installation.
Jenny, now greener than ever, stands in the locked armoury with the device. Strax and Vastra are safely on the other side of the door to prevent any side effects reaching them.
‘My love, if you think this is a bad idea there is still time to reconsider,’ Vastra calls through the door.
‘I’ll be alright,’ Jenny calls back.
‘There is no shrapnel in this grenade, Madame,’ Strax reassures her. ‘A waste of an explosion, really.’
‘I’m about to detonate,’ Jenny warns them. ‘Stand clear.’
They both take three paces back and wait.
A ticking sound followed by a hiss and then a boom.
Jenny coughs and splutters on the other side of the door. Vastra itches to open it but knows she mustn’t.
‘Get a good lungful of it, lad,’ Strax instructs. ‘The residue is active for twenty seconds so make the most of it.’
Vastra checks her pocket watch impatiently. When forty agonizing seconds have passed - just to be safe - she unlocks the armoury door.
Jenny steps gingerly out, having ceased her coughing. ‘I’ve decided I don’t like bein’ blown up much.’
Strax waves his medical scanner up and down. ‘Diminishing quantities of plant DNA already! I estimate that by the end of the day, you’ll be back to being an inferior human.’
Vastra sighs in relief and pulls her close. ‘You look pinker already, my dear.’
‘Shame,’ Jenny says. ‘Thought you might like me more if I was green.’
‘Nonsense,’ Vastra smiles, tracing the freckles dotted across Jenny’s nose with her index finger. ‘But I am pleased these have made an early appearance this year.’
Unseen by all, a housespider crawls out from underneath the armoury door and scrambles past their feet.
The next few days are even more interesting than the last.