Work Text:
“And with that let me explain what these measures are. If you have questions, please raise your hand at any time” — Aziraphale gave Muriel a quick nod — “Now if you’d turn your attention to the presentation, please.”
Oh, that was Muriel’s cue.
With the press of a button[1] a screen appeared behind them, the words ‘Planned Measures to Increase Work Satisfaction’ appeared in clear and bold black Arial font on an otherwise pristine white background. Underneath was an unnumbered list, simple and to the point.
- Regulated work hours and time off
- Earth holidays
- Constructive work assessments
- Socialising spaces
- Welcoming feedback
“Should questions pertaining to these changes, or anything else, arise after this presentation, please feel free to contact me at any time.” Aziraphale motioned at the screen and Muriel called up the next slide which contained Aziraphale’s contact information — and a further message Muriel had no memory of which was quite odd, considering they had put this presentation together.
This means at any time that the Supreme Archangel is in Heaven or, preferably, Mondays to Fridays between 10 and 11 am London time. Absolutely never and — I can’t stress this enough — under no circumstances at all when the Supreme Archangel is on holiday or during the hours of 8 pm and 9 am, London time!
“Now, first and foremost we’ll be regulating work hours and implementing clear schedules and shifts for every angel — upper management included,” Aziraphale smiled as he continued, despite the sceptical faces in his audience and Muriel switched to the next slide.
The audience was made up of all angels, though not all of them were present. Some watched the presentation remotely on their Heavenly-issued mobile devices to circumvent the necessity of repeating it — a suggestion that had come from Mr Crowley when Muriel had worked with him on this ‘PowerPoint Presentation’. Quite the clever idea, Muriel had to agree. And it was even a human invention, both this ‘PowerPoint’ tool and the ‘Video Conference’ as Mr Crowley had called it.
Muriel pressed another button and the next ‘Slide’ appeared, detailing the changes in the schedule.
“Every angel will now have scheduled shifts and work no more than twelve hours per workday of which there will be five per Earth week. A team of former scriveners has already worked out the first quarterly schedule which you will be sent forthwith. It will start at the first of the next month — so in seven days. If any issues should arise concerning the given schedule, please contact the Angelic Resources Department. You will also—”
Here Aziraphale broke off because a mid-level angel Muriel didn’t know by name raised their hand. “Yes?”
“What does ‘Holiday Entitlement’ mean, sir?”
“Ah, a good question,” Aziraphale smiled at the angel. “It means that all angels are to have twenty days per Earthly year free of work — on top of the already scheduled two days per week. This holiday must be scheduled with the Angelic Resources Department to ensure that enough angels remain on duty to cover the shifts.”
There are a few scoffs in the audience — mostly from a small subset made up of archangels. Muriel is not surprised. Since the creation of both the universe and Earth had been completed, the archangels rarely had more strenuous tasks than signing work orders, overseeing their fulfilment in an indirect way[2] and maybe making the occasional public appearance as a messenger of God.
Many of the other angels, however, seemed curious. A few more hands shot up and Aziraphale happily answered the questions about what they were supposed to do during their ‘time off’. This had them skipping ahead to explaining the ‘Socialising Spaces’, where angels were encouraged to meet others for various leisure activities in Heaven. These included such exciting-sounding things like ‘Book Clubs’, ‘Dance Rooms’, ‘Karaoke’ and ‘Board Games’.
“But you are also invited to visit Earth” — here Muriel called up the matching slide presenting the rules for Earth visits — “and sample the recreational entertainment available there. Keep in mind that some activities are more suited for experienced Earth-going angels. You can find a list of these in your new handbook.”
Muriel pressed the button again and the handbook pages in question were displayed — but that wasn’t all. Something had been added to the ‘Slide’ after they had last checked the presentation.
Alcohol isn't really an 'advanced leisure activity', but first consummation is only recommended in the company of an experienced individual. Trust me, you don’t want your superiors to have to get you out of police custody. It’s embarrassing. Use of heavy drugs (like Laudanum) is never advisable. If you want to try out sexual intercourse — first off, don’t call it that. Call it ‘sex’ or you’re going to raise eyebrows which is not conducive to finding willing partners. And second, contact Mrs Sandwich on Whickber Street, Soho, London or (if you must) Mr Crowley at A.Z. Fell and Co. (only when the Supreme Archangel is in Heaven).
This caused confused expressions and quick note-taking among a few angels but no additional questions came, and they continued the presentation as planned.
Muriel was quite certain that Mr Crowley must have added this information. But why hadn’t he said something when they had been working on the presentation?
There were more additions. On the slide detailing ‘Constructive Work Assessment’ a press of Muriel’s button made a little bubble with red text flash on the screen:
That means you should only comment on the work itself and only offer advice on how to improve if you have actual practical experience yourself. No disparaging remarks on what an angel enjoys. Absolutely no insulting comments on an angel’s appearance. This is especially directed at those Archangel wankers. (Except Supreme Archangel Aziraphale who is not a wanker.)
There were gasps (both affronted and amused) and snickers in the audience and Muriel quickly hurried along to the next slide — just before a frowning Aziraphale turned around to check the slide behind him.
Mr Crowley had helped Muriel take care of the bookshop and had introduced them to many fun Earth things like movies and bars and had taught them ‘how to spot creeps and dispose of them’. Muriel had the feeling the Supreme Archangel would not consider these additions to the presentation appropriate and they really didn’t want Mr Crowley to get into trouble with the Supreme Archangel.
Luckily, they were nearing the end of the presentation now.
“And finally, something that is very dear to me,” Aziraphale said as the second to last slide came up, “feedback and suggestions are always welcome.”
On the screen the image of a box with slit was shown, the word ‘Suggestions’ was printed on it.
“To assure that everyone feels comfortable, suggestions and feedback can be given anonymously. That means that you don’t write your name or anything else of identifying nature on the paper before putting it in the box. A team of angels — including me — will go through the contents at regular intervals, give it good consideration and see what can be done or implemented.”
Muriel knew how important this point had been to Aziraphale and had wished for ‘something special’ to happen at this point to properly commemorate this moment. They pressed the button to advance the presentation which should have made a ‘Firework Animation’ come up.
What actually appeared on the screen was the photograph of a somewhat familiar hand[3] holding up the first and second finger in what Maggie had once explained was a rude gesture[4]. And a bold text in a striking black font:
Told you twats — you know who you are — 6000 bloody years ago this was a good idea!
Muriel could see some of the angels, who they knew had spent quite a bit of time on Earth, hiding grins or smothering a chuckle with their hands. Most other angels just looked mildly confused, while a few of the archangels — Michael, Uriel and Sandalphon, for example — wore very pinched expressions. Muriel decided that this was a good moment to quickly switch to the very last ‘Slide’ that would herald the end of the presentation and should only contain the words ‘Thank you for your participation’ displayed on a bright yellow oval.
‘Should’ being the operative word here.
Muriel sighed. Of course, it wasn’t. But at least it wasn’t anything that would get Mr Crowley into trouble either. It was actually kind of sweet.
“You will find information about this, as well as other ideas in discussion, in the monthly company newsletter that will itself undergo some changes in the coming months. I know it hasn’t been well regarded in the past,” Aziraphale said with a sort of apologetic shrug, “but we have plans to turn it into a useful source of information. If there is anything you wish to see included or changed about it, please make use of the suggestion boxes that you will be able to find all over the Heavenly offices and near each Earthly embassy.”
Some of the archangels were scowling, but that’s what they usually did. More surprising were the whispers going around in the audience, especially among the lower ranking angels, accompanied by some pointing at the screen. Aziraphale was beginning to look a little perplexed which couldn’t be helped. Hopefully no one would tell him about the unexpected parts of the presentation any time soon…
“Now we are at the end of this presentation and I know you are all very busy, so I’ll let you get back to your work. Thank you all for your attention.” Aziraphale turned to Muriel with a bright smile and a little bow. “And thank you, dear Muriel, for your invaluable help with this presentation.”
Then Aziraphale’s gaze turned to the screen and his expression melted into something else. Softer somehow. Muriel assumed that this must be what the café owner human Nina had meant when she’d called Aziraphale and Mr Crowley ‘utterly besotted’. It seemed fitting in any case.
“Oh, Crowley, you sweet old serpent,” Aziraphale mumbled, quiet enough that none of the angels leaving the presentation hall would hear.
On the screen was a flashing arrow pointing roughly in Aziraphale’s direction and next to it the final message:
This is the best Supreme Archangel your lot will ever get. Hands down. A real keeper. You’re only getting him on loan. Treat him well or I’ll keep him to myself. — C