Chapter Text
It had been two years since her disappearance. Lydia was fed up.
The lack of Sharon next to her in bed, nobody to at least try and soothe her insomniac head, and not a single sandwich on her desk, ever. One would think it would all settle down after two years, that it would go away, but it didn't. Not when she was constantly reminded by her mind why that woman was so important in her life. She always checked her mail with the possibility of seeing divorce papers, and the day never came.
The final nail in the coffin was a night before her concert. Lydia could not sleep even after going through all the weird breathing exercises her doctor had advised her. She'd started wandering, ended up scaring herself by knocking over a glass, and sliced her finger open with what remained of it. Normally, that would not have bothered her at all, though due to all the stress from next (at that point the same) day's performance she ended up breaking down and eventually finding solace in whatever alcohol was in the cupboard. She rarely drank to the point of blacking out, so when she was hit by a hangover in the morning she thought she'd need some IV to keep her up and alive. The concert went horribly, not to her surprise, and nobody even stood up to applaud her. Lydia didn't stay for the afterparty she'd been invited to, instead opting to go to her apartment. Impulsively, still plagued by the hangover and a horrible need for someone's presence, she bought last minute flight tickets to Berlin and texted her wife for the first time in months.
Sharon met her at the airport. Not a single word was said, they just awkwardly half-hugged. Lydia purposefully dodged any avoidable contact, whether it was being touched or looking at her wife. Sharon took her to what used to be their favourite café. For the first time ever, Lydia ordered jasmine tea instead of coffee. She didn't want to remind herself of all the times they took pictures of the latte art and laughed together over those takeout cups.
"So," Goodnow started. "How has it been?" The last full conversation they had was on Christmas day last year. Since then, Lydia requested to only talk to Petra whenever she called. It wasn't because Lydia hated her wife - quite the opposite. She couldn't bear hearing that woman's voice over the phone and then being left without it for the next month or so.
After not receiving an answer, Sharon spoke again. "Tár."
Lydia flinched. She didn't like hearing her last name. It reminded her of the way her wife used to call her. She realised what she was thinking - that was her wife in front of her. "Sorry, sorry." She mumbled, taking a sip of the tea. "Got lost in my thoughts."
"Not the first time." Sharon smiled, not genuinely. "Will I ever find out how it's been?"
"Ah. Right, yeah." Tár considered her next words heavily. Was she supposed to lie and say it was okay? She didn't want to worry Sharon. "It's been fine." Not okay, just fine. After hearing no reply, she realised she had to say more. "I... I had a good concert recently." No she didn't - that was her worst.
"Really? I'd heard you seemed off." Heard? From whom? Was Sharon having someone update her on Lydia's life constantly? Not that the conductor minded.
"Couldn't sleep the night before, more than usual. Nothing that wasn't manageable, though." Another blatant lie. For some reason, Lydia was afraid of admitting to failure.
The violinist frowned. "You didn't have anyone to manage it for you?" It felt like a rude jab at her.
"No." Lydia cut the conversation off there, going back to sipping on her tea. They stayed quiet for a few minutes, and for once, Lydia minded it. She wanted her wife to keep speaking. "How's Petra?" The words slipped out so easily, so casually. She'd grown used to only seeing her daughter on Facetime, but now that she actually spoke about her around Sharon, she wanted to hug her baby again. That feeling would sometimes come back to her late at night when there was nothing left to do, or when she saw happy families walking around the streets.
"Great, she's been loving all the new classes she has this year. And she's learning piano." At Sharon's reply, Lydia thought that she shouldn't have asked that question. She felt her eyes stinging a little. She could have, should have been there for her daughter.
"I'm glad." She finished her tea without looking up at her wife. If she did, she'd be crying in public, and her sunglasses were in the suitcase. "I'd love to see her play one day." What was she thinking? Sharon would never let Lydia see their daughter, let alone see her doing the thing the conductor loved so much.
"We'll see." As reluctant as Sharon was, she deeply hoped Lydia would be a little more willing to cooperate now than the last time they'd seen each other. If she did, the violinist would consider letting her see their child. She really had to change the topic now, or it would just lead to Lydia begging to see her baby. "You've changed."
"Have I?" The conductor blew her nose as an attempt to hide herself wiping unshed tears, probably failing. "What's changed about me?"
"You were usually nervous, now you're sad." Sharon smiled weakly, and Tár could feel herself getting embarrassed.
"I'm not sad, I'm... a little lost, is all." Admitting to feeling lost was way better than admitting that she wished her wife was in her bed every other night.
"That too, but you look like a kicked puppy. What the hell happened, Tár?" The weak smile turned into a concerned frown with a bit of underlying anger. Right, Sharon was angry, probably at Lydia acting all sad. That was a result of an even deeper anger, the anger of someone whose husband decided to cut all contact with, apart from the violinist being somewhere in the background as their child talked to her father. No matter how much Lydia will regret it, the thing was done and it was her fault for not even saying 'hello'.
"Well, I suppose I've missed you." Lydia admitted with defeat. It sounded like an oxymoron in Sharon's head. Lydia missed her? Then why the hell hasn't she made a single move to fix any of this in the past two years?
"Right, I'm sure." The bitterness in Sharon's voice was growing. How could Lydia act all sad and hurt without even apologising to her first? Honest or not, it would mean that her husband at least bothered to think of her feelings.
Tár viewed apologising completely differently in this situation. Saying sorry would be useless - this wasn't anything fixable, let alone by a verbal apology. Despite her thoughts, Sharon's slowly-rising anger made her reconsider. Lydia's slightly red eyes met her wife's own, and she spoke. "I'm sorry, okay? I- I don't know if you want me to be, but I am."
Some small bit of hope sparked in the violinist's heart. Perhaps Lydia was vulnerable enough to listen to her and even notice some mannerisms - to the point she felt the need to apologise. "I do want you to be sorry. Do you have any idea of how I've felt? I haven't had a decent conversation with you in- God, I don't even know. It's hard to miss you when my most recent memory is you asking me to 'Just hand Petra over'." Her voice rose a bit, and the conductor could suddenly feel the gaze of the waitress on her.
"I don't think this is a conversation fit for this place." Tár's voice was even quieter now. The last thing she wanted was for someone to recognise her and make it known to everyone that she was back, and the waitresses gaze wasn't helping.
"What, you want me to take you home? You can't trick me into having you see Petra that easily, Tár." Sharon spat, and Lydia could feel the familiar sting of her wife's words.
"No, Sharon, the waitress is staring." At Lydia's voice, the other woman fell quiet and stole a glance at the waitress. She was indeed staring, her phone already in her hand.
"Alright, fine. The car it is." With that, they both headed out. The conductor's fear of being noticed grew with every person that passed the white Tesla they had now gotten inside of.
"Can we go in the back? the windows are dimmer." Lydia's request startled Sharon. Normally, she'd think her husband was trying to get them to have sex in the back of their car - there was no other logical reason for the usual Lydia to want to sit in the back, but considering her current anxiety it may have genuinely been the need to not be seen by anyone. Sharon agreed, getting out of the car and opening the back door as Lydia awkwardly moved to the back without leaving the vehicle.
"You don't need to be that careful" Goodnow giggled lightly, genuinely this time.
"Yes I do. God knows who might walk past us and see us talking. I'd hate to be chased down by reporters now." Truth was, Berlin had forgotten Lydia a long time ago. The last interview Sharon had reluctantly taken was around November last year, and she'd closed off the entire subject then. The BPO had a new conductor and he was everyone's main focus now. That wasn't something Lydia needed to know, though. It would break her even more and the violinist didn't want to deal with a sobbing woman right now.
"Whatever floats your boat." As they settled into the backseats, both women kept a respective distance from each other. Sharon continued speaking. "So, will you bother to tell me why you've been... like this?" She gestured to Lydia.
"I... God, I don't know, Sharon. I'm sorry I didn't apologise, it just didn't seem useful to me. I know I fucked up badly, so badly that there's no point in trying to have you forgive me. I don't want you to forgive me. I mean- I do, but I know all I can do it dream of it."
"And why did you refuse to talk to me for like, a year?"
"I- I didn't want to miss you too much, I suppose..." That was a partial truth, conveniently excluding the part where Lydia got all sad and sobbed after every other call.
Sharon could feel her hand twitching to slap Lydia. Miss her too much? Why didn't her husband consider coming back to fight that feeling? She couldn't let herself get violent, though. They were grown, serious women. Instead, she opted for getting out of the car. "You're a coward."
With that, Sharon slammed the door shut and left Lydia alone inside, no car keys included. After laying in the backseat for about an hour, the conductor realised she'd have to somehow sleep here - there was no use trying to get Sharon to come back at this hour, she was probably tucking Petra in to sleep at the moment.
Slowly, Lydia emerged from the car and approached the parking ticket machine. She paid a hefty amount for overnight parking, up until 7 am, and returned back into the Tesla. She couldn't help herself and opened the glove compartment, digging through everything. Anything that may have belonged to her that was in there was gone, obviously, replaced by many of Sharon's belongings. She located a scarf that looked exactly like hers, and it probably was, considering it was one of the few things she forgot to take with herself to Manila. It was soaked through with Sharon's perfume and shampoo.
After inhaling the scarf's scent for a solid fifteen minutes, Lydia wrapped it around herself laid back down in the backseat, slowly drifting off to sleep.