Work Text:
VALASTOR
A Hazbin Hotel AU fanfic
Written by
Amir Talai
Based on God knows what.
Blackness. Slowly stars come into focus. We are in deep space. Vague outlines of planets, brighter stars, space debris, etc.
CHARLIE (V.O.) Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Hazbin. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life and new civilizations; to boldly redeem sinners where no sinners have been redeemed before!
INT - TURBOLIFT
Captain Charlie Morningstar stands waiting.
CHARLIE (V.0. )
Captain's log. Star date 24601. We have been in orbit of the planet Yaoi for the last 2 days. The planet is inhabited by a strange, all male species of aliens which is why I am stuck on board. Our away team, headed by Ambassador Alastor and Ship Social director Valentino have made contact with the Yaoians. According to Alastor, meetings on the surface have been quite productive. Valentino has called the Yaoians “supes hot”. I look forward to them rejoining us on board the ship so we can leave.
The turbolift doors open and Captain Morningstar enters the Bridge
INT -BRIDGE
Vaggie, seeing Charlie, stands at attention.
VAGGIE
Captain on the bridge.
Before anyone has a chance to react- -
CHARLIE
At ease.
BAXTER
Captain, our readings have indicated an electrical storm is rapidly approaching our position, I recommend we beam up the away team postmaster.
CHARLIE
Understood. Lootenant Vox, open the channel.
Vox, appearing on the channel screen at Charlie's seat..
VOX
Away team, come in away team.
Intercut with the away team, Alastor is on a planet populated entirely with men of various ages. He is trying to keep it professional but there is a naked yoga class going on behind him.
ALASTOR
Vox if this is another one of your private voice messages I'm not interested.
VOX
(awkwardly)
Haha, ha, what? I don't know what you're talking about. The Captain just, uh, wanted to, uh…
CHARLIE
Alastor, we need to beam you two out of there, is Valentino nearby?
ALASTOR
Unfortunately yes. It was much more peaceful when he was off on his so called Side Quest but - -
VALENTINO
Carajo, get that stick out of your ass Mr. Radio.
RANDOM YAOIAN
(offering Alastor an apple)
Apple?
ALASTOR
No thanks.
(to the ship)
Ready for beam out. IMMEDIATELY.
CHARLIE
Stand by.
(to her comm badge)
Transporter room?
INT - TRANSPORTER ROOM 1
PENTIOUS
One step ahead of you Captain, I'm locking onto the away team now.
INT - BRIDGE
BAXTER
Hurry up you fool, that electrical storm is closing fast.
INT - TRANSPORTER ROOM 1
PENTIOUS
Fuck you! Fuck you!
Pentious frantically pushes a bunch of buttons.
PENTIOUS
I'm having trouble locking onto their signals.
We see the outlines of Alastor and Valentino coming in and out of focus.
PENTIOUS (CONT'D)
I'm losing them!
The outlines become extremely faint.
PENTIOUS (CONT'D)
I've got them!
Angle on Pentious only. He is relieved to have saved his shipmates. But then he realises something awful has happened. His eyes get wide.
PENTIOUS (CONT'D)
Gad zooks!
BLACKOUT
INT. A LIMINAL LOOKING SPACE
POV an unknown character. Eyes groggily blink open to reveal the ship's doctor, Dr Lucifer.
LUCIFER
Bowie wow. I'm gonna be honest, you're looking… different. I can't say I hate it. But I also definitely don't like it.
We now angle on what Dr Lucifer is looking at. His patient on the medical bed is wearing a red waistcoat. He has four arms. A top hat. And the hottest fuck ass bob you've ever seen.
Alastor and Valentino have become fused. They are one person.
VALASTOR
Where am I? What happened?
LUCIFER
I'm not really sure how to explain this to you buddy boy.
Dr Lucifer produces a mirror out of thin air and shows it to Valastor.
Valastor eyed go wide
VALASTOR
Oh dear God. Oh my stars. This is unbelievable. How did this happen? I look… so… FUCKING HOT!
Suddenly Captain Charlie rushes in.
CHARLIE
Alastor!
LUCIFER
Uh… not exactly.
CHARLIE
Dad. You have to do something. Can you fix him?
VALASTOR
Fix me? What needs to be fixed?
CHARLIE
Well uh, I mean…
A commotion can be heard outside the medical lab doors. Some sort of struggle. The doors open and the ship's security officers, Carmilla and Lute, are holding back Vox who is furiously trying to get into the med bay.
CARMILLA
Captain he knocked out several other security officers trying to get in here.
VOX
That's my boyf-
He stops dead in his tracks when he sees Valastor.
VOX
Oh. My. God.
VALASTOR
Mi amor. What 's happening? Dame un besito.
Vox hungrily approaches.
VALASTOR (CONT'D)
Good God get away from me you pathetic fool.
Vox is confused. He starts to short circuit.
VOX
But you, but I, you're so hot. I just wanna.
He is hyposprayed in the neck by Dr Lucifer.
LUCIFER
Ugh, annoYING, amirite?
CHARLIE
Alastor, or Valentino, or Valastor, whatever you call yourself. I am the captain, and I have to make the hard decisions here. And whether you like it or not I need my ship Ambassador, AND my ship social director. Dad, or Pentious, of whoever.
(goes into full demon mode)
SOMEONE FIX THIS FUCKING SHIT NOW.
BLACKOUT
CHARLIE (V.O)
Captain's log. Stardate 24602. Sir Pentious and Baxter collaborated on a solution to the Valastor problem. I guess they recalibrated the transporters or something, and isolated the whoosee whats it, but in the end im just glad to have my friends back.
INT - BRIDGE
CHARLIE
Well Alastor, I'm glad that's behind us, aren't you?
ALASTOR
Quite glad. I can safely say I'm happy with who I am. Quite glad.
CHARLIE
So you didn't find any of that fun?
ALASTOR
Absolutely not.
CHARLIE
(needling him)
Are you suuuuuuuuuuuure.
ALASTOR
(Losing his composure)
CHINGA TU MADRE PUTA!!!!!!!!
THE END.