Chapter Text
Kaufmo chuckled at Jax’s sleeping form, handing her a coffee as he drank the hot chocolate he’d made. She looked at it. Black. For some reason, the thought of sweetness repulsed her today. She glanced down absentmindedly at Jax. “He always falls asleep first,” Kaufmo said. She murmured an assent, looking at the star lights projected upon her wall, feeling Kaufmo’s concerned gaze upon her. She knew he was going to say something, so she spoke first.
”Have you… ever done something you regret?” Yes. She had. Definitely.
Kaufmo sat for a while, considering. That told her enough. No, he hadn’t.
”I mean, I’m sure we’ve all done things we regret. It’s inevitable, really. But I don’t think there’s anything… too big that I’d want to change.” She felt suddenly alone in the world, even worse than she’d been feeling for the past two weeks. She wasn’t quite sure where this feeling of guilt had come from, but it lingered and she hated it so desperately, she would do anything to stop this pain. Kaufmo wouldn’t understand, and she didn’t want the concern she knew Jax would give her if she told him something was wrong. He was already being nicer to her because she hadn’t been as energetic. She just wanted to deal with whatever this was on her own terms.
”Have you?” Kaufmo threw the question back at her. She knew what the answer was, but she didn’t know why, and weirdly her first thought was to turn to Jax. She watched the rise and fall of his chest, a small smile on his face. Normally that made her happy, because she knew he had his problems, and he was happier asleep. But today, she felt nothing. She checked if he really was asleep, lifting up one of his arms to see if it fell limply back down. Then she busied herself with putting a blanket over him, wasting her time dusting off a piece of lint that wasn’t there. She felt Kaufmo watching her, but she didn’t care.
“Ribbit? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,” he said. God, no, he sounded concerned now. She didn’t want that. She just wanted to be left to deal with her problems herself. First Jax, now Kaufmo…
She spoke without thinking. “Telling Jax I loved him.”
What? Why had she said that? Out of all the things, why that? She did care about Jax, right? They weren’t friends but they’d made it clear their attraction wasn’t romantic or sexual. But she did care for him. Deeply.
Yet, strangely, as she said that, the weight on her chest lifted ever so slightly.
”What?” Kaufmo asked. Maybe he was taken aback. She felt lighter though, and she turned to him. “When did that happen? Are you two…?” He let the question hang, but they both knew what it meant.
She hadn’t realised they hadn’t told Kaufmo. She supposed she’d thought Jax was going to do it and vice versa. “No, we’re not dating. It’s… hard to explain.”
”Queerplatonic? Alterous?” Kaufmo threw the terms at her like she was supposed to know them.
“I don’t know, okay? It’s something. Why does everything have to be categorised, anyway? Can’t you just accept that we’re just something?” She was slightly annoyed. She liked categories herself, and her lack of an ability to put her and Jax’s relationship into one was like an itch she couldn’t scratch, deep in her brain.
”So… are you not happy with your relationship? Whatever it is?” Kaufmo probed, gentler now.
She paused.
They’d been lying together on his bed, his head on her shoulder as she told him about the stars. She didn’t know if he liked stars, but he looked at her like she was the moon, bright enough to light up a sky without being blinding. He never once made her feel like anything less than a celestial being. She’d told him that once, and he’d laughed, not at her, really, because he never laughed at her, only with her. He hadn’t really elaborated, just returned to messing with his camera.
She’d finished talking, and she didn’t want to speak. He could tell when she didn’t want to speak, because he nearly always had questions, but on her bad days he kept quiet. He looked away from her at his ceiling, not moving his head, just his eyes. He moved away from her after a moment, and she missed his warm presence. She felt the bed creak as he sat up.
”I love you,” he’d said simply, and her heart broke, because she didn’t want to date him. She didn’t want to ruin what they had with romance or sex— not that sex was a viable option in the circus. “You’re my best friend,” he’d continued. “But I haven’t really seen you as a friend for a while.” Her panic grew, was he going to ask her out? She didn’t know how to reject someone, much less her best friend! He looked at her finally, saw the fear in her eyes, and he looked a little scared too, as if he’d just realised something. That she didn’t want him? What was he expecting? “Not romantically! Or sexually! I don’t want to date you!” he exclaimed quickly. She let out a sigh. Oh thank god. So… what? “I just… I know I love you, and I know what kind of love it isn’t, but I can’t put my finger on what it is. And you don’t have to say you love me back. I don’t mind, and I won’t be angry or sad if you decide you don’t feel comfortable with any of this. We can forget this, if you want.”
Was it her relief, then, that things weren’t really going to change? She knew she cared for him too, and maybe that had something to do with it as well. But she’d said it.
”I love you too, Jax.”
How much had she meant it? She didn’t know, but she felt happy when he threw his arms around her. The bad feeling came the next day.
”I… don’t know.”
”Okay.”
She thought about it, downing her coffee in one go, then turning to look at Jax. “Nothing really changed that day, except everything did. I’ve never told someone I loved them before.”
”If Jax loves you too, he’ll be okay if you talk about it with him.”
”I know he’ll understand but I’ll still hate myself for it. He told me it was okay if I said I didn’t love him too, and I still said it! What if he starts thinking what we’ve had the past two weeks were fake? I know I do care for him, a lot, and I know what we’ve done together is real, I just… don’t think I’m ready to love anyone, yet.” There. It was out. That she was loveless. Cruel, some would call her. Especially the boys at school who didn’t understand why she didn’t want to date them. Cold-hearted b[BOING]h, the more derogatory term for whatever she was. Aroace, some kinder people would offer. But even aroace was met with judgement. The worst were the people trying to be helpful, telling her it was okay to be lesbian— she knew that!— and she didn’t have to pretend to be something she wasn’t, or that she just “hadn’t found the right person yet”. God, how many times had she heard that. “Never been in a relationship! But the boys must’ve been dying to date you, you’re so beautiful!” The compliment didn’t hit the same when she was reminded of her lack of a capacity for love. She liked things, and she cared for things, but the term love terrified her, and she hated it being used casually. But what was even worse was that nothing about Jax was casual when he’d confessed to her. It was sincere. And it was even harder to tell him the truth now.
”As Jax’s friend, I’d tell you to tell the truth to him now, and not lead him on, or fake your feelings. As your friend… I’d say take your time. But talk about it, still. And be nice.” Kaufmo said after the silence.
”Which piece of advice should I follow, then?”
”I don’t know,” he admitted, and the honesty made her feel better.
Jax stirred suddenly. “Oh shoot, I fell asleep again, didn’t I?” he asked. “Why can’t one of you two fall asleep first for a change?”
”Aww, don’t worry, Jaxie, you’re so adorable when you sleep, it’s fine!” Kaufmo replied teasingly. As if nothing had even happened. Thank god for friends who knew how to keep things secret.
She wrapped an arm around him, and he smiled at her. Kaufmo took the blanket and threw it over the three of them. He leaned on Jax and Jax leaned on her. Thank god for friends who knew when to keep quiet.
They watched the stars dance across the walls in silence.