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“What’s that?” Jack asked from the bed, lowering his reading glasses
“What’s what?” Samira asked back, coming out of the bathroom, hair still damp from the shower.
“This thing that you’re wearing, Samira” Jack asked, mildly offended by her clothing choices
“This thing that I’m wearing is my pj” she said
“No it’s not?” He said, even more offended
“Yes it is, it’s Victoria’s Secret gifted by my secret Santa, Victoria Javadi” she said, faking confusion. He perfectly knows where the pajamas comes from and she perfectly knows why she’s wearing it. It was the standard pink and white VS pajama, silky and soft and not her usual choice.
“That’s not what I’m asking Samira” he insisted, glassed off and phone forgotten
She dampened her hair with the towel and disappeared back into the bathroom.
“Then what are you asking?”
~~~~~~~~~~
It was the 8th of July, and Princess and Perlah, true to their words, decided to make Victoria Javadi’s 21st birthday everyone’s business. It was exactly one month before, taking both by surprise, Jack Abbot and Samira Mohan ended up at his apartment for the first time. He was a little more aware than her about this pull they had towards each other, but he wasn’t exactly sure how to act around it. In the end, he knew he was fucked the moment Samira arrived to the party dressed in civilian clothes and with her hair down. She was coming off her shift and, as half of the people invited to the party, she showered at the hospital to avoid the gravitational pull towards her couch.
It was also kinda disquieting for Jack that all it took for him to question his life choices and self control was to see her outside the hospital. It wasn’t the first time and he couldn’t explain why that night felt so different, but he had to go through every possible reason to avoid crossing that line over and over. Until she approached him at the bar.
“You look like you want to be everywhere else but here?” She’d said
“It’s been a minute since I’ve been invited to a 21st birthday party” he’d answered
“I don’t really want to talk about work tonight… or, you know, Robby” she flinched “but I really want to know how are you holding up?”
“I’m ok…” he said and she raised one eyebrow “I’m worried but he’s texted me twice and we agreed on a weekly update”
“That’s… good” she said
“How are you?” He questioned “the 4th hit you hard. Don’t take this the wrong way, Mohan, but I’m quite surprised to see you here”
“Yeah… I’ve been really questioning my life choices. And Friday evening I was scared for myself. I booked a therapist right away, had my first session yesterday” she admitted “sorry, I didn’t want to dump it on you”
“I did ask, Mohan. And it seems like it’s working already” he said
“It’s only been one time so far, but I decided to put some effort into personal relationships myself”
“And the fact that you’re here instead of dancing whatever TikTok they’re doing makes me think I’m included in this quest?” He said, smirking, but she turned serious instead
“I… Yes… It’s just…” she struggled and he focused on her “you’re… I care about you, a lot. You’re possibly the most important person for me here” she admitted
“Can I ask you why? I mean… not that I’m not flattered about that, but you seem…”
She didn’t let him finish
“You’ve never given up on me. Never. Surprisingly, neither have Cassie and Parker, but in the sense they pushed my buttons to help me. They care about me, but you understand me. It’s a little different” she said. Then. Sensing she was going into a dangerous territory and to avoid scaring him, she joked “honestly sorry, I should be worried about you figuring out my fucked up brain”
It was his turn to be serious “you’re not fucked up, Samira. You’re going through a lot of uncertainty and change all at once. I would be surprised all this didn’t come with a crisis.”
“Hence, the therapist” she said, lifting her beer
“Cheers to that” he answered.
He gave her a ride home and for a month they pushed each others’ boundaries in a silent but present deal to get to know each other. If he thought he was fucked up that July the 7th, he was even more day by day.
And Samira was no better. His therapist had to ask him to stop fidgeting and bouncing his good leg, before he finally snapped
“And why on earth would I put myself in this situation in the first place? Shes young a resident and I don’t want her to be labeled as someone who sleeps with her attending”
“Woah” Dr Kovac said “hold your horses Jack. I guess we’re talking about Samira?”
“Who else?” He spatted
“Care to explain?”
“I… we’re getting closer and closer. She… she took care of my leg yesterday, and I let her.” He said, almost a whisper
“Ah I see” the doctor said
“What? What do you see?” jack spat out again
“I see you opened yourself to her in ways you never thought you could”
“I never let Lisa touch it.” He said, voice chocked
“Why not?”
“Cause she… she couldn’t bear the thought of it. Not because she was a bad person, she was just too sensitive. And she never said it out loud but I knew. She helped me in a lot of ways, you know it” he said and the doctor nodded “but I knew that doing that was too much for her”
“And you’re allowing Samira to do it instead” the doctor said
“She’s… she apparently did a rotation in plastic surgery. She offered to do Botox injections to relieve my PLP” he admitted
“That’s very generous” Kovac said “are you going to let her do it?”
“That’s the whole point” Jack said, muttering to himself
“What is?”
By the end of August she had officially added Jack Abbot to the list of reasons she’d cried at during therapy.
It only took one small, innocent question by Dr Vidya Azeez, and she was done
“Do you think you’re eventually going to act on your feelings for him?”
She had the nerve to look confused and ask “what feelings” before she looked at the expression on the other woman face. Empathetic to the point of compassion, as if she was looking at a concussed patients that doesn’t remember the 11cars pile up that brought them to the ed.
“I don’t think it’s wise” she answered “if it comes out he’s going to be labeled as another attending who sleeps with his residents”
“I didn’t say it was wise” the therapist said “I’m just saying that it’s a different connection from Cassie’s or (she checked her iPad) Parker, but you’re treating them all the same”
“He probably doesn’t see me that way” samira said
“It’s an answer I can’t give you. Only Jack can” dr Azeez said kindly “but first you have to ask yourself if finding out, and risking to lose him -which is what I think you’re worried about - is worth the effort” she said and Samira nodded
It was August the 4th when he was gently lead to an on call room and Samira injected the Botox. It was a level of care and intimacy that neither of them had ever experimented so deeply. So much so that, the day after, Jack felt like an as*hole but couldn’t help but detach himself a little. It was irrational, and he knew it, but he needed the space to clear his mind. Samira, on her part, was feeling exactly the same. It wasn’t a movie, they didn’t get millimeters from kissing. But his gaze was telling and she didn’t know what to do with that information. By the 7th she could bear it anymore, she’d waited until shift change to see his mood but on the 7th he was off and her body before her mind decided to take a different bus.
He didn’t even opened the door completely
“I need to know if I’m crazy or if you feel what I feel. I’m sorry I thought I could let it ran cold but I can’t” she said
“Samira…” he started
“Yes or no Jack. Please”
“Yes Samira but…” he started
“No buts. Tomorrow please?” And just like that she kissed him
“Tomorrow” he murmured between kisses.
They talked about it hours later, which technically wasn’t really tomorrow, legs tangled in bed in between kisses.
Both of them had their issues with things going public like that, but they both admitted to be on the verge of something that couldn’t just be extinguished because of some HR headache. It was strange, really. Especially at work. Jack was much cooler. Samira had a little more issue with adjusting to this new… situation. August was spent talking a lot and trying to do what normal people do when they date. Which is going on dates. At least a day one when she was off and a night one when he was. By the beginning of September Jack Abbot’s cool crumbled when Samira had to go to Miami for a conference. He knew he was fucked but he didn’t know how much until she called from her hotel, ready to go to bed and he recognized his t-shirt
“Hope you don’t mind” she said.
“I certainly don’t. Looks better on you anyway.” He answered
“Flattery will get you everywhere” she joked, “I don’t know if you’re noticed but I stole a couple of those”
“I was in fact wondering why my drawer looked emptier” he chuckled. It was, in fact, one of his favorite things to see her joining for breakfast wearing one of his shirt. Bonus point if that’s the only thing she was wearing.
She blushed and then turned a little more serious “It’s just… I sleep better with that, it’s like you’re with me. So if you’re on shift I can relax”
It was a low blow, cause he was also increasingly disappointed every time he came home from shift and the bed was exactly how he left it. He’d been debating with himself for 10ish days if giving her a copy of his house keys so soon would’ve scared the shit out of her, and he wasn’t so sure anymore to be above begging. And so he asked her to come to his home the following night, even thought he was on shift. She was set to arrive by midnight (cheapest flight risks), so she was off the for another day. He arrived by 7:25am, after doing his fastest handoff to date and found her asleep on her side of the bed. Hugging his pillow. With his shirt on. And sleeping with her mouth open (he loves it; she hates it). He tried to be as quiet as possible, heading to the shower and coming back to bed. She only shifted slightly when he took the pillow away and replaced it with himself. He cursed himself cause he thought she was going to wake up but she only snuggled closer and took and inhaled deeply. Only then he let sleep claim him. A couple of hours of sleep and a quite long lovemaking session later, he decided to make breakfast while she showered. He noticed she’d used his washing machine to do her laundry, and after a quick scan of the pantry he noticed that a couple of her essentials were stocked. The bathroom, he found out after breakfast, was no different. The rest of the day they went grocery shopping and he brought her back to her apartment on his way to the Pitt.
He saw it in her face, the same reluctance to let the other go.
“Got everything?” He asked
“Yep. Luggage, groceries, all of it” she answered doing a mental check
“See you at shift change?” He murmured against her lips
“Gonna miss you” she answered
She didn’t know how much until he was long gone and she was putting away her freshly washed clothes and she started to frantically look for his shirt.
“Fuck” she said double checking. She made a desperate attempt to look into the grocery bags but no luck. And no pajama.
Jack’s night was, to use an understatement, forgettable. It was the day before the first anniversary of Pittfest, and the shadow of that trauma seemed to linger a lot across the department. 7am arrived and Samira with that. But chairs were absolutely a battlefield and they barely managed a quick good morning and to share a concerned look. Samira at Jack cause he looked in pain, and Jack at Samira because of her eyebags.
The worst of it? He came home and saw the bed immaculate. Just like they left it the day before. Just like he hated it. Cause he knew she hadn’t slept there. And one look at the vanity chair explained also the bags under her eyes. The shirt she had selected to use was carefully folded and forgotten.
The confirm arrived in the evenings, when she knocked on his door
“Samira you don’t have to knock, that why I gave you the key” he said opening the door and greeting her with a kiss.
“I know, but I didn’t want to assume” she said shyly
“Sweetheart there nothing to assume. You can come here whenever you want” and then, he couldn’t stop himself “besides, I wouldn’t mind you coming home here everyday”
She froze “Jack…”
“Sorry, I don’t want to scare you. It’s just…” Jack started
“You didn’t… I thought I was kinda crazy. I mean it’s too soon and all that…” she was gesturing to nothing in particular
“Mira, I swear…” he gently put his hands of her hips to make her face him “say one word , and we hop on the car and get you whatever you need until your next day off. Then we’ll take the rest”
The one word she was, in fact, three words “Are you serious?” And he turned off the stove and took his car keys. September to November was spent getting to know each other in terms of domestic life and trying to keep it under the radar. For a mere question of change of permanent address and emergency contact, they disclosed their relationship to HR at the beginning of October, who in turn informed Al-Hashimi and, Samira suspected, Robby. Baran was not exactly impressed but neither surprised. She actually had a little argument with Samira, who explained her that she therapy and self growth taught her that she has proved more that once her worth, and that the people who saw her for four years couldn’t look past her personal relationships then she had really no business in the Pitt. It took Baran a couple of days, but after a while she dropped it. Robby came back by mid-November, a little later than expected. He didn’t acknowledge it and Samira was certainly not going to push it. According to Jack he probably didn’t read anything HR related, but whether he did it or not was really not their problem. Jack and Samira circled around talking about Robby quite a few times, but at one point Samira told him plain and simple that she respected his friendship with Robby and for that very reason she didn’t want to put him between a rock and a hard place. So when he came back she did her best, not to avoid him but to stay out of his hair. She suspected he was trying to be better but he still had a lot of work to do.
Match day for the fellowships was on December 3rd. Samira and Langdon had planned to excuse themselves at 3pm, and go to check. But even on December 2nd, the fellowship talks were going strong. In the end, Langdon had a backup attending position at a private clinic, very similar to the position Samira had in Jersey. He knew his chances were quite slim for a fellowship, but at one point his goal was to be close to his kids. Samira, in the end, asked Al-Hashimi for the recommendation letter, and Caleb Jefferson had provided one as well. Maybe to made up for the lack of Robby in the most delicate part of her residency, maybe cause he overheard what Robby said about Diaz. She was grateful nonetheless.
“I hope you can both stay” said Mel.
“I can’t imagine this place without you both” said Emma
Samira smiled politely and told them not to worry, but the conversation she kept on replaying was from the morning at breakfast.
“So big day tomorrow?” Asked Jack
“Yeah, expectations are low”, she said. There was always part of her that had to be pessimistic
“10 years from now you’re going to enter the Pitt doors and you’re going to wonder how the fuck did you resist four years in that hellhole” he said
“What if I match at PTMC?” She suggested
“Tsk, don’t you want to get rid of our sorry asses?” He joked, and she played with that, but inside she felt a deep kind of disappointment.
Why did he include himself in the bunch of sorry asses? She, truth to be told, had applied to a few other fellowships outside PA, just to have her bases covered. But she really hoped she could stay in Pittsburgh. And as of the day before… well, let’s say it was a little more than a hope.
The rest of the day she felt herself more and more closing up. She didn’t want to assume, as per usual, but she had really thought that living together was quite the commitment. Instead he seemed to be at peace with the fact that she could go to California in a few months. Even though she most probably wasn’t. Hence, the decision to detach herself. Her therapist, she wondered, would have a field day with her mood, but she was also too proud to ask Jack why he didn’t care that she could be on the other side of the nation.
So that night, after a grueling shift, she came home and had a particularly silent dinner with Jack. He probably assumed she was nervous about the fellowship match, so he didn’t push. And she didn’t bother to correct him.
He took care of the dishes while she went through her hair styling routine, something else she picked nudged by her therapist, and before she went into the bathroom she opened the drawer to pick his shirt, then closed it again. She wanted nothing more than feeling that contact, but she also felt a little stupid for that.
So she remembered she actually owned a pajama, a fancy one, and she browsed through he’s own drawer to retrieve it.
~~~~~~~~~~~
“Then why are you asking” she said going back into the bathroom and getting out without the towel
“You know why Mira” he said, unimpressed
She hopped into her side of the bed and turned to give him a quick peck, then muttered a goodnight and laid with her back to him. She heard him sigh and turn off his light, before she felt his hand sneaking up from her side and trying to undo the first button of her pjs top
“What are you doing?” She asked unmoored
“Trying to take this thing off” he answered and she scoffed but let him do it.
“I’m trying get used to it” she murmured
“Why would you do it?” He froze
“In case I leave your sorry asses behind, that’s what you said” she said
“Samira…” he started
“What if I stay?” She asked “would you be happy?”
“You’re not really asking that” Jack sighed and sat on the bed
“I wouldn’t have” she followed him “but you seemed quite at peace with the fact that ai might be going”
“Because I don’t want to hold you back” he said
“Stop talking like that!” She exclaimed
“Like what Samira? I won’t be on the way between you and your bright future”
“See? You’re doing it again! You’re talking like Dr Mohan and Samira are two different people!” She said
“What?” He answered confused
“You’re talking about my career and my job and all the reasons why Dr Mohan should go to Jupiter to pursue her goals. But what about Samira? The Samira who struggled with her loneliness for four years and was somewhat lucky enough to find a community of people like Cassie and Parker who never give up on her? Nevermind you” She finished breathless
“Samira” jack started
“And for clarity of information I’m staying” Samira announced “Gloria basically told me I’m getting an Emergency Neurology Fellowship, which is pretty rare at PTMC, but apparently Dr Mehta was quite adamant to finally have a fellow”
“You’re staying” he said, eyes glistening
“Yes” she barely managed to say before he started kissing her “and that’s not how I wanted to tell you” while he peppered her with kisses.
He started kissing her neck and went back to her PJs, unbuttoning the second button. “Is that ok?” He asked and she rolled her eyes, before swatting his hand away and taking it off herself, revealing she had nothing under. His eyes widened and then he kissed her again, while she tried to take his own shirt off.
“and by the way I would have followed you to Jupiter had you matched up there” he told her after, her head on his chest and the sheets tangled up