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If she were a Firebender, Zuko’s letter would have turned to ashes in her fingers long ago.
She stares at it for far too long, not knowing what to think, whether she should be happy, sad or furious. She stares at it for so long that even Aang notices and stops in front of her, looking at her curiously.
“Did something happen?” he asks.
Katara looks up at him.
“Katara?” Aang asks.
“Everything’s fine,” Katara replies. She waits a moment for Aang to see through her lie. But that moment never comes.
Aang smiles at her, as always fooled by her assurances. That smile stabs at her heart, because Katara doesn’t like to deceive him. But sometimes it’s much easier to hide her problems and not burden Aang with them. Aang will listen to her, of course he will, but he isn’t able to understand everything. And that’s for the best, because Katara wouldn’t want him to see her whole, all her bad, filthy parts, that anger, fury, and hatred she’s felt since the day her mother died and that has never fully gone away.
Things are better. The world is changing, and battles are fought with politics, not weapons. Things are better; Katara has Aang, who pulls her toward the light and doesn’t let her get lost in the darkness.
But it’s not perfect. It’s not perfect; sometimes she’d like to tell him more, to shout out loud that she isn’t perfect, that she makes mistakes sometimes. Sometimes she’d like to yell at him because certain things in their relationship annoy her so much, but she always remembers how gentle Aang’s heart is, and she just can’t bring herself to yell at him, call him out on something, or share her problems with him.
But it’s not his fault. Aang is just gentle, he’s good, and Katara wants to protect his pure heart.
So she smiles at him, deciding there’s no need to burden him with her problems.
It’s not a big deal.
The thing is, it’s not a big deal.
That is, part of it is a big deal.
There was an assassination attempt, Zuko wrote, but everything’s fine, don’t worry, I’m okay and they took care of me.
This is a big problem; it’s not normal, and the awful thing is that Katara isn’t nearly as angry as she should be reading this message. She’s just gotten too used to people trying to kill Zuko, and right now she isn’t even surprised by it.
That’s the problem. It shouldn’t be like this, and Katara is angry at herself for not being there. She knows that Aang will blame himself for a long time, that he’ll feel guilty about this situation, that he’ll worry about Zuko, just like the rest of their friends.
But. There’s also the rest of the letter.
And that part is the problem. That is, theoretically it shouldn’t be a problem, but it catches Katara’s attention.
Umni, the Waterbender from the North Pole, was incredibly helpful, Zuko continues. I didn’t expect her to be such a powerful Waterbender. She was able to help me, and I have to admit, I’ll have to thank Chief Arnook for choosing Umni as the Ambassador. Not only is it a huge step for him to appoint a woman…
That’s not the problem. That’s the part that isn’t a problem. Katara skims over the words praising Umni and her support and focuses on the rest of the letter.
Umni healed my scar, the one on my chest, Zuko writes. I’m surprised by this; I never knew anyone would be able to do something like that. You weren’t able to do it, and you’re the most powerful Waterbender I know. So why would anyone else be able to do it?
I didn’t ask her to do it, Zuko writes. I didn’t ask her to do it, but Umni did it of her own free will, probably saving my life, considering the state my chest was in… Well, sparing you the unpleasant details, I’m grateful to her, though part of me feels strangely naked without that scar. It was a part of me, a scar I was never ashamed of.
Katara… Katara should be glad she doesn’t have that scar. Zuko already has enough scars; he doesn’t need another one, especially not because of Katara.
Years ago, she tried so hard to heal that scar. But to no avail; she wasn’t able to.
Years passed, and they all came to terms with the fact that this scar wouldn’t disappear, just like the scar on Aang’s back.
And now, nearly a decade after the war ended, some Waterbender from the North Pole was able to heal his scar.
Katara’s pride as a healer took a bit of a hit, if she were to be honest.
I’m glad you were able to get rid of that scar, she wanted to write, as soon as she read Zuko’s letter. I’m glad you won’t have to live with the scar you got because of me. I know it still hurt you sometimes. I’m glad you’ll be free of it, that you’ll be free of the memory of Azula from that day.
That’s what she wanted to write.
But in the end, she wrote nothing.
She wrote nothing because her eyes were fixed on the rest of the letter. They write to each other a lot, really, a lot. Zuko is her best friend, the one she can always count on. She’s asked his advice on many things, especially recently about Aang and her relationship with him.
In his letter, Zuko writes a lot. He tells her who was responsible for the attack, mentions that the absence of a scar won’t make him forget Katara, and reminds her that she will always be his dear friend. He writes about what he plans to do in the future and what changes he intends to make. Katara smiles as she reads about the planned renovation of the palace, which Zuko had been thinking about for so long.
The smile fades from her lips when she reaches the other part of the letter.
Now that the scar is gone, I should be free of the memories of that day, Zuko writes, but it doesn’t change anything. I still remember Azula, her screams. I still feel guilty about what happened. I still wonder if I could have helped her if I’d only tried harder.
It wasn’t your fault, Katara wanted to write when she read those words for the first time. Ozai destroyed both you and her. It wasn’t your fault, Zuko.
She wanted to write that. She really wanted to write that.
But further down, a few sentences later, there’s something she definitely can’t show Aang. Because Zuko, of course, must have caught the last few uncertain sentences she wrote to him, in a moment of courage, late at night as she pondered her current life and her future. Because Zuko is the only person Katara has been able to confide in that she sometimes feels as though Katara disappears, leaving behind only the Avatar’s girlfriend.
A while back, we talked about how sometimes you feel like you’re drowning, Zuko wrote. That you’re losing Katara, that all that’s left is the Avatar’s girlfriend. That people look at you, but they don’t see you.
I don’t want to meddle in matters that aren’t mine, Zuko wrote. Even more so, I don’t want to ruin the relationship between you and Aang. You are both my dear friends, and I wish you the very best. But please, for the sake of your happiness, tell me one thing, Katara. If you have doubts about whether being the Avatar’s girlfriend is your destiny, are you ready to become the Avatar’s wife? I know you love him, but are you willing to give up Katara for him?
Don’t make the same mistake Mai and I made, please.
Don’t agree to a life in a golden cage just because you feel you owe someone something.
The letter ends with an apology, a statement that Zuko wishes them no harm and that he will support them, that he knows how much Aang and Katara care for each other, and that he hopes they’ll be happy together, but…
But. Exactly, but.
I know you love him, but are you willing to give up Katara for him?
That’s one question. One short question, but Katara can’t answer it.
She sets the pen aside.
She can’t write back, not today.
She doesn’t reply a day later. She doesn’t reply two days later.
Before she knows it, a month has passed, and she still hasn’t replied to that damned letter.
She should do it. Really, she should do it.
But she can’t.
She can’t, because Zuko, being Zuko, makes Katara start thinking. Thinking about her future, about what lies ahead for her and Aang.
Katara loves Aang; she definitely loves him. And sure, they don’t always see eye to eye, but they’ve been together so long that they have to stay together.
But lately, that damned letter has been stuck in her head all the time.
Everything was simpler before she received it.
I know you love him, but are you willing to give up Katara for him?
What a stupid question. What an incredibly stupid question.
The answer should be simple.
For some reason, Katara can’t bring herself to write back.
Instead, she goes to Aang, kisses him on the lips, cuddles up to him, showers him with her affection. Because that’s how it should be, because Katara is his girlfriend, she should be perfect, she should love him, she should give him as much of herself as possible. Aang deserves it.
So Katara gives and gives, because that’s all she has left.
A week and a half later, she still hasn’t replied to the letter.
She hasn’t replied to the letter, but right now it doesn’t matter that much, because the person who wrote the letter is right there with her.
Zuko glances at her, as if expectantly. Katara looks away from him. If she talks to him, she’ll start wondering again what she should say to him. Zuko will ask why she didn’t reply. She’ll be forced to think about something she doesn’t want to think about.
So she looks away and forces herself not to look at him. And not to talk to him.
Not talking to Zuko is harder than she thought, especially when they’re all traveling together.
It’s a little strange, traveling together like this, all of them. Well, almost all of them, since Suki isn’t with them, she wasn’t able to make it, for which she apologized profusely. But Aang, Sokka, Katara, Zuko, and Toph are here. And Tagah, too.
They’re traveling together, which means Katara’s elaborate plans to put off thinking about the letter from Zuko for now are going down the drain.
So, Katara just isn’t talking to him.
It’s easier that way.
If she doesn’t talk to him, if she just pretends Zuko doesn’t exist, everything will be simpler. She won’t think about that cursed letter, about that question.
Sometimes, she catches Zuko’s gaze. Sometimes, he looks at her with amusement. Sometimes, with irritation. Sometimes, almost with concern.
Katara looks away from him and continues pretending that Zuko doesn’t exist. That he never asked that awful question.
Because she and Aang are fine. Because Katara loves Aang. And she shows him that, she shows him that so many times, trying to convince both herself and him that their relationship is fine, that everything is okay.
She tries and tries.
That’s all she has left.
Of course, others notice.
“What happened between you and Zuko?” Sokka asks one evening.
“Nothing,” Katara replies.
“Don’t say nothing,” her brother tells her. “Katara, you two haven’t exchanged a single word since he showed up here. What happened?”
“Nothing,” Katara repeats.
“Don’t lie. If he hurt you–”
“We’re arguing, okay?” Katara snaps. “But it’s not his fault. This is something I have to figure out on my own, okay?”
Sokka doesn’t look like he understands, but luckily, he doesn’t press her too hard.
“If you say so,” he says. “But seriously, is everything okay?”
“Yes!” Katara snaps.
“Are you having problems with Aang?” Sokka asks.
“Huh?”
“You’re always with him, constantly looking out for him, kissing him, you practically act like he’s your whole world… Is this some kind of weird strategy to get him to fall for you? You’re not trying to tell me he’s seeing someone else on the side, are you?” Sokka says the last part with a laugh, but after a moment, he turns serious. “Hey, seriously, that’s not true, is it? Aang isn’t cheating on you, is he?”
“No!” Katara shouts indignantly. “What do you take him for?”
Sokka raises his hands in a soothing gesture.
“Calm down, calm down,” he says. “It’s just that it was a little weird. I haven’t seen people cling to each other like that in a long time. I get it if you’d just confessed your feelings to each other, but after all these years, it’s downright weird, even by your standards. I mean, I’m glad you’re happy, or maybe you’ve suddenly gotten jealous of him, or… you’re not pregnant, are you?”
“I’m not,” Katara declares. “And you’re gross. I’m just showing my boyfriend how much I care about him.”
“That’s way beyond what Suki and I do, and she’s my wife,” Sokka points out. “And everyone around us tells us we’re a little too handsy. Not to mention–”
“Too much information, Sokka. I don’t want to know the details. I love you and I love Suki, but that’s too much information. I don’t want to hear any more, please.”
Toph is next.
“What’s going on, Sugar Queen?” she asks. “Trouble in paradise?”
“Aang and I are doing fine, thanks for asking,” Katara replies coolly.
“Considering how often you’re willing to sink your tongue into his mouth, most people wouldn’t have any doubts about that,” Toph says. “That’s not what I’m talking about. What’s going on with you and Sparky?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing,” Toph repeats. “And that’s why you’re both pretending the other doesn’t exist?”
“It’s none of your business, Toph.”
“Considering that you’re my friend, Sparky is my friend, and I know the two of you are good friends, I dare say it is my business.”
“Well, in that case, I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t get involved, Toph.”
Then, there is Aang.
“What’s going on?” he asks later, when it’s all over. “Katara, what’s going on?”
“Nothing’s going on,” she replies.
“Don’t lie, Katara,” Aang looks at her seriously. “Something’s happened. You haven’t exchanged a single word with Zuko the whole trip. That’s not normal.”
Katara looks away from him.
“It’s none of your business, Aang.”
“In a way, it is,” her boyfriend replies. “You’ve been acting strange lately, Katara. You’re not talking to Zuko, he’s not talking to you, as if the last ten years never happened, as if you were strangers. Not to mention that during this trip alone, you’ve kissed me more times than you usually do in a month.”
Which is true. Ever since she got that letter, that damned letter, Katara has been thinking about it constantly. She’s trying to be a good girlfriend. She’s trying to show Aang how much she loves him, because it has to be love, nothing else is possible. She wouldn’t have spent a decade with someone she didn’t love.
Her boyfriend smiles at her a little uncertainly.
“It’s not that I’m complaining, sweetie,” he says. “I just don’t know what happened.”
“Nothing happened, Aang,” Katara replies. “Everything’s fine, I promise.”
He doesn’t look convinced, but he doesn’t argue with her.
He never does.
Finally, it’s Zuko’s turn.
Her friend is clearly losing patience, because at one point he walks over to her and looks at her expectantly.
“So what, are we forgetting our ten-year friendship and pretending the other one doesn’t exist?” he asks, crossing his arms over his chest.
“I don’t want to talk to you, Zuko,” Katara replies.
“I get the impression that lately you only want to talk to Aang.”
“He’s my boyfriend; it’s obvious I’m going to take care of him.”
Zuko raises one eyebrow.
“So what, you’re ready to give him everything and focus on him after all?”
Katara shoots him a furious look.
“That’s exactly why I didn’t want to talk to you. And don’t act like you’re the innocent one. You’ve been ignoring me yourself. You haven’t even spoken to me once. I was sitting right next to you, but you didn’t exchange a single word with me.”
Something in Zuko’s expression changes.
“This isn’t about me, Katara,” he says. “This is about you and Aang. I don’t want to pretend I know what’s going on between you two. Both you and Aang are my friends. You know I want the best for you. But throughout the whole journey, you’ve been acting a little strange. And don’t deny it. I know it’s true. Everyone can see it.”
“I dare say Toph doesn’t see it.”
“Katara. You know what I meant.”
Unfortunately, she does.
Katara sighs heavily. She’s glad that Zuko at least thought to talk to her in private. This isn’t a conversation she’d want to have with anyone else.
“Katara,” Zuko speaks up after a moment. “Listen, I don’t want to argue with you. But I’m a little worried. And what worries me is that the fact that you didn’t reply to my last letter means we already know the answer to my question.”
In his letter, Zuko wrote a lot. He asked her many questions. But they both know which question he’s referring to now.
“I don’t want to force you into anything, Katara,” her friend, her best friend, tells her. The man she once hated, but whom she’s come to like, respect, and trust. “But we haven’t just met today. We haven’t just started writing letters yesterday. I’m not claiming to know exactly what your relationship is like, and I definitely don’t want to ruin it. I just want you both to be happy, you and him.”
He looks at her with sincerity. And Katara knows he isn’t lying. Zuko has supported her and Aang from the very beginning. He would never do anything to intentionally harm them.
If he says things like this, it’s out of concern, both for her and for Aang.
“But you can’t be truly happy if you already feel like you’re drowning in this relationship,” her friend says softly. “I know Aang loves you, and I’ll never, ever doubt that. But if you’re with him just because you feel like you have to be, or you love him but you’re feeling like you’re loosing yourself in that relationship, that’s not entirely healthy. It’s not fair to you or to him.”
He quickly raises his hand before Katara can say anything.
“I just want you to talk to him,” he says. “I know you’re happy. But please, don’t give more of yourself than you’re capable of giving. If you do that, if you give him everything that makes you Katara, what will be left for you?”
Time passes.
Katara returns to her normal life, to being the Avatar’s girlfriend. To cleaning, to washing, to constant traveling, to facing the judgmental stares of the Air Acolytes. To the fact that she’s never perfect, that she’s always too much of a Water Tribe, that she’ll always do something wrong.
Katara loves Aang. She has given him a large part of her life; she has sacrificed so much for him.
But. But ever since she received that letter, that question has been constantly on her mind.
I know you love him, but are you willing to give up Katara for him?
She didn’t find the answer to that weeks ago, and she hasn’t found it now either.
Because. Because. The truth is, Katara didn’t give up that much to Aang. She changed her clothes to ones not made from traditional materials. She knows she won’t be marrying according to her tribe’s customs. She knows that in time her diet will be completely meat-free; she already eats very little meat because it’s simpler that way, and besides, Aang doesn’t like it when she kisses him after meals if she’s eaten meat. She knows she’ll likely be traveling for the rest of her life. She knows that in time, people will stop looking at her, stop seeing her. She knows it’s not Aang’s fault; it’s not that he’s intentionally belittling her, he’d never do that. She knows that in time they’ll move again, heading to a new place. She knows she’ll follow him, because Aang loves her, and she should support him and…
And she’s drowning. Katara is drowning in all of this because she loves Aang, but she sees the look in his eyes when he looks at couples, at married couples. She realizes that he wants to make a home with her, to make her his home, but Katara isn’t ready, she just isn’t ready to constantly follow him around. She’s had enough of the constant changes, she’s had enough of feeling like she’s fading away, of not being able to find a place for herself, of always just being an accessory. She’s had enough of always having to be nice to him, of always having to smile, of always being the one to comfort him. She’s had enough of sometimes feeling like she’s drowning in it all, that Katara is disappearing somewhere, and in her place there’s only the Avatar’s girl, always at his beck and call, always close by, like a reward for a job well done and…
I know you love him, but are you willing to give up Katara for him?
…Ah.
So that’s what this was all about.
That’s why she was so afraid of the answer to that question.
Because, ultimately, she isn’t ready for it. She isn’t able to give up Katara, she isn’t able to give her whole self to Aang, no matter how much she loves him. She isn’t able to carry his entire culture on her own, to become the mother of the Airbenders, she isn’t able to follow him forever, she isn’t able to constantly support him and give and give and give and give.
She can’t.
Suddenly, it’s all just too much.
Suddenly, the answer is simple.
Katara has given Aang so much, but if she keeps giving, there will be nothing left of her. Master Katara will disappear, Warrior Katara will disappear, Katara will disappear, only the Avatar’s Wife will remain.
And perhaps she would be able to do that. Perhaps she would be able to marry Aang. She knows she would be happy with him, she knows he is a good person, but…
But she can’t.
Not anymore.
Ten years after the war ended, Master Katara of the Southern Water Tribe ends her long-standing relationship with the Avatar, trying to save Katara before she disappears.
Some of her friends understand her decision. Some don’t.
Some wonder if it was Aang’s fault. If Katara was unhappy.
Katara denies it.
She was happy. She was truly, truly happy. Aang is a good person, her friend. With Aang by her side, Katara was truly happy.
But it wasn’t the life she wanted.
She’s only twenty-four. She has so many years ahead of her.
(In a few years, Katara will fall in love again. In a few years, her path will cross once more with an old friend who will take and give. Who will listen to her, who will see her, who won’t be afraid to argue with her. Who will support her, who won’t just take, but will also give, give so much of himself.)
But now, Katara is free. Now, she allows herself to be whoever she wants to be.
Now, she allows herself to be Katara.