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The first time it happened, it wasn't scary, really, because Angelica had no idea what was going on. The adults were having some kind of party (a very boring party, if you ask her--where were the balloons and Cynthia paper plates?! These adults have no taste, no pizzaz!) for the new year at her place, it was late, and she was trying to stay up until it hit twelve so she could see the year change. Would it feel any different? The adults made such a big deal out of it...
The only good thing about this dumb party was that there were no stupid babies in her hair, because someone else was watching them! Was it Grandpa Lou? Or maybe it was the Carmichael's? ... no, she's pretty sure Susie's parents were busy with work, Susie mentioned something like that when Angelica was half-paying attention in kindergarten... stinks to be them! When she has a job, she's going not going to work on New Year! She'll take it off like her mom.
Angelica, therefore, sat watching the TV, glowing blue in the dark, on some boring news report--she didn't care about any of that, she was zeroed in on the time and date!
11 comes before 12, and then it starts all over again at 1. There's only 12 hours in the day. No, wait, 24. That's two twelves because 1+1=2, 2+2=4... isn't she a genius? She smiled to herself. That's why they're always saying "24/7!" She could tell that much from a normal clock, too. Her parents sometimes got a little upset if she was still watching TV when it it's "1 AM in the morning." Somehow, even though the sun's not up for hours, it's already the next day... not when it's 1, but when it's 12, even though it was called midnight, so it's supposed to be night, and it still looked liek night! That didn't even make SENSE.
The clock on the news made a little more sense, it actually counted 24! ... or, well, it'd get close to 24... it's been 23 a while now, but her mom said every hour's got 60 minutes in, that's when the big hand and the little hand both point at 12. The wall clock's easier to look at, the two hands are already really close! But she wanted to see the exact minute! So she just has to wait, even if the bigger numbers were confusing, she knew she could cheat a little with the first number. Counting by tens, that's 10, 20, 30...
Anyway, they were both pretty close now, the clock hands and the TV's clock's in the fifties, so, feeling excited, Angelica went to go call her parents to come see!
"Mom, dad, Aunt Didi, look, it's almost twelve!" she excitedly bellowed from the doorway, but found almost everyone asleep.
Grumpily, she folded her arms and stamped her foot impatiently. "You guys wanted to celebrate the New Year so bad, but you just fall asleep before it turns twelve?! What a rip-off! ... well, that's fine, looks like I'm the only one grown-up enough to stay awake."
She totally felt like a grown-up anyway! No stinking babies today and her mom styled her hair all pretty into ringlets and even let her borrow some lipstick! She looked totally like a doll, "Pretty as Cynthia!" Angelica had proudly declared.
Oh, wait, even if her parents fell asleep--boy, do they stink! ... why do adults even drink this smelly stuff--she hadn't seen Uncle Stu anywhere! Maybe Tommy's dad can come watch the year change with her!
"Uncle Stu?"
She wandered around, looking for him. "Heeeey, Uncle Stuuuu, it's almost the New Year! Come onnn, you don't wanna miss it, do ya?!"
Stu was the only one still awake and Angelica did find him! Or, rather, he found her.
He watched her quietly from a doorway. She looked different in the sparkling dress, with her hair in pretty, bouncing ringlets around her head, instead of her usual high pigtails, and lips painted a ruby red like Charlotte's. She wasn't even wearing those polka-dot tights she always wore--her legs had gotten more slender. He wasn't sure if it was just the haze of alcohol or if the world seemed to slow down when she turned to face him and her eyes lit up. "Uncle Stu, c'mon, it's almost the New Year!"
"... huh?" Stu managed, having been too distracted by the sight of the girl in front of him.
She called him Uncle Stu and that was definitely her voice, but that pretty doll couldn't possibly be his niece, right? ... he must be dreaming... she looked so much more like a younger Charlotte.
"C'mooon, c'mon, we'll miss it! We're gonna ring in the New Year!"
Just hearing the phrase from those lips and feeling her hands insistently tugging on his wrist, he felt excited. He was getting pretty bored all by himself and it felt like a golden opportunity just fell into his lap.
"Sure... y'know how we usually ring in the new year?"
"Um, with a bell?" Angelica said as she returned to the room with her mini TV on, not liking to admit to not knowing things... but that sort of thing didn't work with adults as well as it did with the babies.
"Hehe, you're cute," Stu laughed in a funny sort of way she didn't usually hear him laugh, short and low, it sounded... kind of cool, but a little scary because her uncle wasn't cool! Not normally, anyway!
... it still kind of made her heart beat faster. It kind of reminded her of Dean, her first love, who always sounded effortlessly cool...
"... I'll teach you."
It was all very gentle and patient, nothing was forceful, so Angelica hardly made a sound and just did as she was told. She thought it was great fun, even if Stu still smelled really gross and bad, but he said she could hold her breath or hide her face in a pillow if it'd help.
The only thing that upset her was that she totally missed the New Year! Uncle Stu told her to wait until it was time, but he got all impatient and kissed her before it was actually the New Year! (And he was still stinky. Bleh.)
Later, Angelica would complain her parents totally missed the New Year!
"And you call yourself adults? Me and Uncle Stu were the only ones who stayed up ALL night!"
"That's nice, pumpkin..." a very miserable Drew mumbled from under the covers.
"Angelica, honey, mommy and daddy need to sleep..." Charlotte tried to insist--she needed all the sleep she could get before she'd have to inevitably go back to work!
"We even ringed it in properly... we kissed and everything!"
Drew felt his blood freeze in his veins.
Charlotte choked. Both sat up, eyes wide, and Angelica felt her heart seized with fear at their reaction.
"U-um..."
Uh-oh. This was the exact kind of face they'd make if she was in big***, BIG*** trouble...!
"... haha, got'cha! You know I wouldn't do that!" Angelica laughed, putting on the sweetest, most innocent little smile, hands folded behind her back and crossing her fingers. "I just wanted to see the look on your faces!"
Drew slumped back into bed, while Charlotte still looked like she was trying to calm herself down from nearly having a heart attack.
"Can't believe that girl..." Drew grumbled. "Where'd she get a crazy idea like that? And I mean really, Stu?!"
Charlotte wasn't so sure. Angelica loved to act out, but could something have really happened last night...?
Drew frowned a little when he realized his wife still hadn't calmed down. He reached out to hold her, even if he looked incredulous and a little reproachful. "Hey... you don't really believe something happened, did you? She's fine, she's just pulling our leg. I mean, this is STU we're talking about."
Charlotte pulled her arm away with a frown. "I don't think Angelica would joke about something like that!"
Drew gave Charlotte an unconvinced, half-lidded stare. Charlotte pressed her lips together tightly, before turning away.
"Sure, she can be a little troublemaker... but she's a kindergartener. Where would she get an idea like that?"
"... it's all that late night TV you let her watch," Drew bit back.
"Drew, we talked about this! I don't want to coddle Angelica, she needs to know what the world is really like if she's going to grow into a smart, confident young lady!"
"Yeah, you're right. Smart and confident enough to fool us. Get back to sleep, my head's killing me enough as it is."
Angelica learned to keep it secret. Whatever they did, it must have been something she really wasn't supposed to do! Just like anything else she wasn't allowed, it only made it more and more appealing. Better than cookies and better than late night TV! Even better than other people's cookies!
Angelica started to look forward to anytime the adults were having one of their boring parties (they weren't boring anymore--maybe she really was finally a grown-up!) and the next time it was Stu and Didi's turn to watch the kids, Angelica felt excited about seeing her uncle, even though he didn't seem to give her as much attention... she felt a little heartbroken when he just averted his eyes and didn't speak to her.
"What gives?" she asked no one in particular, kicking a pebble in the yard.
Maybe he was mad at her too, for doing something she shouldn't have?
She was starting to feel like a rotten kid... her reputation was at stake!
(I mean, it was already kind of bad, but mostly with the kids, adults loved her! ... when she wasn't being too much trouble anyway...)
She really wanted him to play with her again... she didn't want to be stuck with the dumb babies... they weren't grown-up like her!
Feeling upset he wouldn't play with her and feeling needy, Angelica left her uncle, the babies, and Spike behind in the yard, found a room where no one would bother her and tugged down her own clothes, trying to relieve the ache on her own. It wasn't the same, but at least, the bad feeling of being abandoned would be forgotten. Her head would go all fuzzy and she'd space out with the repetitive motion. She couldn't remember what she was staring at, she was in her own world, or... wasn't anywhere. It's like everything blinked out of existence when she sat there, so she didn't realize when someone else entered the room.
She head Didi gasp and drop whatever she was carrying and Angelica blinked blearily, before looking back over her shoulder, from where she sat, with her knees up to her ears, legs apart. Didi could probably see half-exposed, given how she was sitting, so, even though it took a moment for mind to register that someone else was there, she tried to bring her legs together and remove her hands, starting to blush.
Didi was shocked and wished she hadn't seen or heard any of that.
"Angelica, you shouldn't do that," Didi said gently, not trying to blame her too much... she's pretty sure Dr. Lipschitz said curiosity about bodies was normal in her age, right?
She couldn't remember the exact details, she was in too much shock! But she also didn't want to encourage her to expose herself just anywhere like that!
"Why not?" Angelica asked, confused, but started to cover herself as she stood up.
"Or, at least, not... out in the open. We don't show other people what's behind our diapers or underwear, okay? It's not safe. We could get sick... or hurt," Didi tried to explain patiently and took Angelica gently by the shoulder.
Angelica liked that Didi didn't get mad. She won't say what she said to her parents. She learned THAT lesson... it'd just make Didi treat her like a bad kid!
Didi helped Angelica wash up, very gently. Angelica started to feel a little excited again, but Didi never did what Stu did. She avoided touching her directly and just used a soapy sponge and washed her clean.
Somehow, even the ache that was bothering Angelica so much started to die down, even though it'd drive her crazy on her own. She was having so much fun with the bubble bath and toys, she forgot all about the empty, numb, gnawing feeling she had before. She actually laughed and even Didi started to feel relieved and laugh a little.
Angelica slept better that night.
Didi couldn't sleep at all, poring over books, and wondering if Angelica was just a particularly early-bloomer or if something was wrong. This wasn't the same way kids her age usually displayed curiosity about their bodies, did she pick it up from somewhere...? She felt worried, but she wasn't sure if she could ask Drew or Charlotte. When she asked Stu what she should do, he gave her a funny look, and said, "That happens all the time, some kids just start early."
The last time, Stu isn't gentle. He's upset about a failed invention he'd spent a lot of time and energy on, receiving the bad news in the middle of babysitting the kids. Angelica avoided the other kids, naturally. She didn't even get the same thrills from bossing babies around any more, she couldn't enjoy anything. She liked being with Didi, especially because she wasn't always on the phone with Jonathan, Jonathan, Jonathan, send me that report, Jonathan, reschedule that appointment, Jonathan, get me a plate of cookies with milk on the ROCKS.
(Okay, she lied, her mom never said that last one, but she could sure use some milk and cookies right now.)
Stu smelled bad like at the party--the smell got Angelica excited, finally, it's what she's been waiting for! Even just the smell (it's booze, she finally learned from Stu) got her excited, feeling all funny and achy too, but this time, there was no kissing, he didn't sound cool or confident, he just sounded mean. He was loud and angry and scary. Angelica would have cried because it hurt this time—it hurt badly—but she was too scared to even make a sound.
He even said she nearly got him in trouble, that she was a bad kid, that she must really enjoy getting him all worked up like this, that she likes making adults angry, that this must be fun for her...
It wasn't true! But she knew she couldn't say it. Stu sounded really, really mad. She was even too scared to cry and just teared up, blinking back tears.
"Well, if you want it so badly, you can have it."
So she tried to be good. She did everything he wanted, so he won't hurt her too much. She lay limp as a doll. She felt a vague sense of relief--in as much as she could feel anything anymore--now that everything was so numb... she just felt a repetitive motion, but her limbs felt heavy, the same way her legs fell asleep when she sat on them for too long, except it was nearly all of her. It's like her whole body fell asleep. She wished she could fall asleep too...
Why did she ever even want this again?
She stared at the ceiling and wondered, with her arms and legs lying useless, if this was how Cynthia felt. She was just picked up, turned over, arranged and rearranged like a doll.
If she used to feel alive before, then only a persistent ache and a brief excitement before, now... she didn't feel anything anymore.
Anything she did was just pretend. She just did as she was told so it'll be over quicker.
When Stu tried to clean her up, it wasn't anything like Didi. He'd still try to touch her more than necessary, even when it hurt. Even the body wash she liked so much last time now made her sick. It reminded her of how Stu smelled. It all made her sick. She watched the bubbles go down the drain, numbly, and wondered if she'd ever have fun like that again.
When Angelica re-emerged from the bathroom, she still felt numb and uneasy on her feet, but she didn't want to stay away from the babies anymore. Maybe he won't hurt her if she stayed with the babies—nothing bad ever happened when she stayed with the babies!
"H-hey, Tommy!"
The other babies turned to Angelica a little suspiciously, especially Chuckie, but mostly curiously.
"What is it, Angelica?" Tommy made an effort to be friendly at least.
Angelica put on her best smile, even though some part of her now felt angry that the babies were so easy-going! They had it so good! Look at them, with their balls, bottles, shovels, pails, and Reptar... they didn't know what she went through! Her plastered smile faltered and the babies seemed to notice the weird face she was making.
"Tommy, let's go play somewhere else," Chuckie, ever a scaredy-cat, pulled Tommy's arm, she could hear him whisper, "Angelica's probably gonna do somethin' mean if we don't go!"
Tommy gave Angelica a little unsure smile, but didn't budge yet. "Well, what is it, Angelica? Were you gonna say something or not...?"
"We're really busy, you know!" Lil began.
"Yeah, we're on an ex-pa-dishn for dino bones!" Phil ended matter-of-factly.
Even though Angelica wanted to speak... she was so scared of being left alone, knowing she mistreated everybody so much, they were scared of her, and nobody wanted to listen, and everybody thought she was such a rotten kid... she got so overwhelmed, she started crying and couldn't stop. The babies felt so bad, even Tommy started crying as he held his cousin, moved by the sight, even though he wasn't sure what to do for the older girl. The twins tried to ask her what was wrong, they even tried to offer her their favourite snacks (worms and mud), and Chuckie... just kept away, thinking this was some sort of elaborate scheme to hurt or scare him. He would have left entirely if not for the look Tommy gave him, while holding an inconsolable Angelica who fell to her knees. He rolled his eyes, wondering how he let Tommy talk him into these things (even if Tommy didn't really talk, this time), but came over anyway, timidly at first, before trying to offer how he felt calmer.
"I like to be real quiet, out in the garden, and listen for my mommy. She's in the wind and grass and trees, you know? But I gotta be really quiet if I wanna try and hear..."
She thought about how angry her mom and dad looked and worried. Maybe Chuckie's dead mom would be nicer. Chuckie's never managed to hear her, as far as she knew, but she never once blamed him for trying. She had a feeling it must have been hard on him, growing up without a mom... maybe, right now, when she felt like she couldn't really go to anyone... she was scared that if she went to Didi, she'd run into Stu instead...
She took in a shaky breath, as deep as she could manage while her breath hitched from all her sobbing, and closed her eyes, listening to the leaves and grass rustle in the wind. She started to feel a little less numb, less like she was some unfeeling doll, but feeling everything again, like the dirt and grass under her palms and the wind on her cheeks, scared her a little. What if he came back, even though it's so peaceful now?
Chuckie's dead mom couldn't keep her safe, could she? At least, she wouldn't get mad.
She still felt so alone, but she was happy the babies tried to help her.
"I'm sorry I was... so mean to you guys..."
Chuckie still looked a little suspicious, the twins exchanged looks, and Tommy tried to ask again what happened.
Would he believe her? That his own dad hurt her? ... she looked at Tommy's worried, but innocent and unknowing, expression, and decided she couldn't lose him too by saying anything bad about Stu.
Besides, why would he believe a girl who was always trying to trick and hurt him?
Eventually, she stopped crying, but quietly followed the babies around on their expedition for dinosaur bones. She mostly just watched them play, awkwardly from the sidelines... she never really spent this long just watching them without antagonizing them or getting horribly bored. She felt... like she should have appreciated it more, before. The babies were safe, they couldn't hurt her. She wondered if Stu picked on her because she was too little to hurt him back, like the babies she picked on. ... the thought that she could be anything like Stu made her freeze. She didn't want to be like that anymore...
She spent as long as she could just sticking to the kids. She felt afraid every time she heard something behind her, or heard a sound that could have been the door opening. She tried to hide behind the babies, sometimes, mostly Tommy, since he was the leader and all, plus, he was the only one who really held her...
When it was time to go home, Didi noticed Angelica's hair was still a little damp, even though she wasn't the one who gave her a bath. Stu tried to give Angelica a gift: a box of store-brought cookies, but even though Angelica loved cookies, she was scared he'd ruin them for her too and refused to accept the gift.
Didi looked both sad and worried.
Angelica went quietly to the car, Drew commenting on how good she's been lately... aside from rejecting Stu's gift.
Didi pulled Charlotte aside to talk to her.
Angelica couldn't sleep at all, between the nightmares and her parents fighting.
She had a feeling it was all her fault, too. She didn't say a thing. She should've just taken those stupid cookies.
She knew they were fighting because of her. She felt scared, but she didn't like being kept in the dark and she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep again anyway, no matter how many times she rewound her old baby toys to play Brahms' Lullaby over and over again... so, she quietly climbed out of bed and crept closer to the door to listen, holding her breath and trying not to be heard. She's gotten very good at making herself small and silent.
"You're talking about my BROTHER here! I grew up with the guy, I know what he's like!"
"Didi thinks something's up too and he's her HUSBAND, Drew! A man can change over the years, she's the one living with him now--"
"All this over some cookies and a BATH?! You're exploiting him, you're never grateful!"
"EXPLOITING him?! So, now, Stu's the victim here?!"
"Yeah, she gets it from you! All the spoiled attitude--"
"You listen here...!"
"No, YOU listen, for once--I'm not one of your employees you can just boss around!"
Angelica winced, backing away from the door, not wanting to hear another word.
She was really scared! Maybe, if it was the old Angelica, she could've gone over there and told everybody to keep it down, or maybe put on her cutest act and tried to get everyone to smile and dote on her... but right now, all she wanted to do was hide under the covers and cry. She wondered if it would ever stop or if this was just how the rest of her life was going to be...
--
She wasn't surprised, when her parents split up. It was all her fault anyway. She had her head down the whole time, quiet as her mother left.
Charlotte apologized to her and said she'd keep fighting so Angelica could stay with her. She shouldn't have to stay with her dad if she didn't want to.
Angelica didn't even know what to say.
"... I'm sorry."
Charlotte looked pained and gently pushed Angelica's hair out of her eyes and kissed her forehead. "You have nothing to be sorry for. It's not your fault, princess."
Unable to deal with the idea of leaving Angelica behind, Charlotte looked around furtively, and told Angelica to take Cynthia and come quickly in a quiet, secretive voice. Angelica nodded and went to grab Cynthia... she also wanted to grab her toothbrush and portable TV, but Charlotte shook her head, mouthing, "No time!" and scooped her up.
It was nice, staying with just her mom, even though she missed her dad too. There were no more fights now.
Angelica started to feel a little happier. She didn't bring any clothes, but that's okay, she got to borrow one of Charlotte's nightgowns again—the little ones always looked full-size on her, like dresses.
Everything was starting to feel better now. Her mom believed her about Stu. She wouldn't have to see him again. Charlotte even said Angelica could see a doctor that would help her. Everything was looking up... she could almost, almost look forward to another day!
... but she still missed her dad and her old room. Charlotte did her best not to say anything mean about Drew, but sadly avoided the topic when Angelica brought him up... one day, the police came and her mom was accused of kidnapping her.
It was a mess!
That was the last time Angelica got to see Charlotte. Drew, on the other hand, wasn't so diplomatic... he complained about Charlotte, her workaholic nature and bad parenting, and even some weird, over-complicated things he honestly shouldn't have mentioned to Angelica. What did any of that have to do with her?!
"What about the doctor?" she asked, but Drew flew off the handle at the idea, as if it was shameful and the worst thing she could have said.
Was she just supposed to deal with the nightmares and fear by herself, with her dad calling it all lies (why would she ever fake having nightmares?!) and her mother's fault, and deal with her dad's complaints about his ex-wife too?
Angelica tried, just once or twice, to tell her dad it really was true, but Drew was having none of it. All of it was a lie Charlotte implanted into her head, did you forget, that was just some stupid prank, you said so yourself, remember?
Drew kept insisting it was all a lie, becoming more and more convinced the women in his family were all demons, like this was some plot by Charlotte and Didi to ruin their lives, because they'd gotten bored and took Angelica's stupid prank seriously ("So, it is all my fault you split up..." Drew didn't deny this, but he did go on another angry tirade about Charlotte, so Angelica kept quiet after that, which Drew chalked up to his superior parenting without "Charlotte's bad influence"), until one day, he got so angry at Angelica, she couldn't even remember what for, but seeing a similar wild-eyed look in his eyes, heavy footfall, and tension in his posture from a particularly bad day at work as she saw from Stu the last time, Angelica silently lay down on the floor, eyes dull and glassy, and exposed herself in silence, unfocused gaze on the ceiling.
Drew stopped dead in his tracks, realizing what a fool he'd been.