Archive of Our Own

Harper (she/her) 🏳️‍⚧️ @harpersbizarre
Ummm tell me why I just walked into my gender studies course and CALLUM HOLMBERG is sitting in the back of the lecture hall?

Harper (she/her) 🏳️‍⚧️ @harpersbizarre
Reply to @harpersbizarre
For everyone jumping me asking how I would even recognize him, my awful freshman year roommate was a big time Centaurs fan and I absorbed that knowledge through osmosis. 

Harper (she/her) 🏳️‍⚧️ @harpersbizarre
Reply to @harpersbizarre
Rh*agan’s crashout over those two players getting married endeared me to the team though so like I don’t even follow hockey but I know those guys!!!!

Callum Holmberg @callumholmberg
the grind never stops 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ in honor of @ottawahockeyguy839 im spending the off season takin summer classes at @uottawa learning alllllll about queer history and gender expreshon. GONNA BE SO WOKE WHEN I GET BACK ON THE ICE IN OCTOBER #gocens #gogay 

Harper (she/her) 🏳️‍⚧️ @harpersbizarre
He…He is in EVERY one of my summer courses

CENS

Holmburger: guysguysguys

Holmburger: literally the prettiest woman i have ever seen is in my classes

Holmburger: wat do i do????????

Holmburger: usually i just slide into dms but idk that doesnt seem like the move

Holmburger: i mean i dont even no if she has dms to slide into

Troy: Talk to her? Idk man

Bood: Sit next to her at your next class and just talk to her, maybe you two can become study buddies or something

Holmburger: but wat if she thinks im just in the class to be “performative”

Holmburger: thats wat they r saying on twitter

Holmburger: but i just wanna learn😔

Looka: You are in the classes for the whole summer term though right? You have weeks to make a plan, and in the meantime you can focus on studying and taking notes and she’ll know you are serious about the classes!

Holmburger: lucs u r a genius i wanna give u a smooch so bad😝😝😝

Roz: Luca is right, and he gets all of his plan knowledge from his fathers, @Moy Lyubimyy tell our son you are proud of him

Harper (she/her) 🏳️‍⚧️ @harpersbizarre
It’s actually kind of endearing how serious this guy is taking these classes. He takes all of his notes in a little spiral notepad and the other day when I asked him what time it was, he looked so panicked and said “I don’t know I leave all of my screens at home so I’m not distracted but I promise to get a watch!” 

CENS

Holmburger: she asked me wat time it was today

Holmburger: i didnt know tho since i leave my phone at home #noscreensnocandycrush 

Holmburger: can one of u help me pick a watch? I want one of the circly ones with the lines to be all studious (and also #noscreens)

Hollzy: Come over to our place before class tomorrow and you can grab one of mine

Shane Hollander’s Husband @ilyarozanov 
Shane is pulling out his rolex collection🤤🤤🤤

Shane Hollander’s Husband @ilyarozanov
my husband is so sexy when he cleans his watches I want to *** *** *** *** ***** * **** *** **** *********** and then **** ** *** **** *****

Shane Hollander’s Husband @ilyarozanov
@yunahollander thank you for getting shane his rolex brand deal you WILL be reincarnated as a lotus flower

katie @scotthunterhitmewithapuck
#he is flooding my tl with thirst tweets about Hollander’s Rolexes but can we take a minute to appreciate @scotthunterofficial ‘s timepiece collection? 

Shane Hollander’s Husband @ilyarozanov
Reply to @scotthunterhitmewithapuck
Scott Hunter’s “timepiece” collection in question:

Harper (she/her) 🏳️‍⚧️ @harpersbizarre
Update: it’s been four days and he tells me what time it is every time he comes into class. It takes him approximately two minutes to read the hands on his watch

Harper (she/her) 🏳️‍⚧️ @harpersbizarre
He really is trying his hardest in these discussion board posts and I know he doesn’t need a good grade in this class for his GPA but this man NEEDS to turn on spellcheck. 

Harper (she/her) 🏳️‍⚧️ @harpersbizarre
Reply to @harpersbizarre
He responded to my post about vampirism as an allegory for sex and its use in queer media with “i always thought vampires were scary and canables were gross but the way you explained it rlly opened my eyes to how sexy that is. gonna have to rewatch twilight tonight” 😭😭😭😭😭 CANABLES😭

Harper (she/her) 🏳️‍⚧️ @harpersbizarre
Reply to @harpersbizarre
Should I…offer to proofread his stuff?

CENS

Holmburger: BROTHERS IM IN

Holmburger: the gorjus woman stopped me after class and said she likes my board posts n offered to help me with the hw n spelling n stuff

Holmburger: i didnt have my phone so i gave her my number and we are textin now 

Dykstra: LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOO🤠🤠🤠🤠

Hazy: 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

Hollzy: This is a good step, Burger! Proud of you! 

Holmburger: is it too soon to ask her on a date? shes srsly so smart and hot and perfect nd even if she says no that would be ok bc i respect boundaries nd would still be happy w the hw help

Looka: Maybe give it a little time before asking her out? You just got her number, and I don’t think your first text to her should be asking her out. It might send the wrong message. She might think you only said yes to her offer to help because you wanted to take her out or something. 

Troy: Luca is right, you are in school to think with your brain, don’t start thinking with your dick now.

Holmburger: wat abt thinking w my heart🥺 

Roz: burger have one normal conversation with her and then maybe ask her out

Harper & Callum

Harper: Hi Callum! I just read your draft for this week’s discussion board post and I made annotations for your grammar and spelling. I know I said I would just help you with that stuff in your posts but I wanted to bring up something about the substance in this one that you might want to change. 

Harper: You had a really good idea to talk about homophobia in the NHL and the Scott Hunter Kiss for the prompt about visible queer joy as an act of protest; however, I think saying “it was like Scott Hunter threw the first puck at Stonewall” isn’t the best way to frame that.

Harper: I love that you are pulling information from our modern queer history class and synthesizing it together with the information we are learning in this one, but comparing Scott Hunter to Marsha P. Johnson is not the best way to do that! You had the right spirit, but maybe just cut that sentence out!

Callum: yes maam🫡

Callum: also i loved what u said in ur post about trans visibility. i didnt really understand some of the things u talked abt but i googled the words nd woah

Callum: also like ur just so smart n interesting n cool n i definitely wanna get to know u better ya know

Harper: Aw thank you! Trans visibility is something I care about a lot (obviously) and sometimes I get worried that I get carried away when I talk about it. I’m kind of an open book though, so if you ever want to meet up before class for coffee or something and talk about that stuff, just let me know!

Callum: would u maybe wanna go out with me after class on thursday? we can go to that one coffee shop u sometimes have cups from in class. the one w the bird

Harper: That would be lovely! 

CENS

Holmburger: goin on a date w the pretty girl on thurs😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊

Bood: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH

Hollzy: Does this “pretty girl” have a name? I want to put this in my calendar to remember to check in with you afterwards.

Hazy: Way to go Burger!!! If you want, I can give you a good florist rec so you can show up with flowers

Dykstra: HELL YEAH BROTHER🤩🤩

Roz: I would like to know more about this woman.

Roz: I like to vet everyone my baby rookies are courting it is a rite of passage 

Roz: also I am nosy and romantic #loveislove

Troy: I never doubted you Burger!! (Confession: I doubted you many times but I am happy to be proven wrong)

Looka: I would also like to know more about her but no pressure if you don’t want to share!

Holmburger: her name is Harper 🥰 nd she’s legit the smartest person ive ever met 🥰 she knows SO much abt bein an ally n stuff like she wrote a whole thing abt the importants of trans visibility nd i was like “damn i didn’t realize how much i didnt see” but im gonna be on the lookout from now on🥰🥰🥰  nd she uses so many words i have to google like sinthisize 🥰 shes from quebec n she has a cat named Peanut 🥰 

Holmburger: thats all I know so far but trust im in love 

Troy: Oh he capitalized the names this is actually so serious

Harper (she/her) 🏳️‍⚧️ @harpersbizarre
When I was making my summer class schedule, I never imagined it would lead to Callum Holmberg from the Ottawa Centaurs asking me to grab coffee with him to learn more about my experience as a trans woman but here we are

CENS

Hollzy: Burger I know you are probably in class and you won’t see this, but good luck on your date! Harper is going to love you! 

Dykstra: u r goin to charm the pants off of her!!! not literally tho. unless theres enthusiastic consent🙂‍↕️

Looka: Sending all of my best vibes your way Burger!!

Troy: I know Harris and I are out of town rn but if anyone wants to dress up in a disguise and spy on the date and keep us updated, I will be eternally grateful

Dykstra: wait troy ur a genius

Roz: no.

Roz: no one is spying on Baby Burger he is already nervous enough

Roz: he is going to do great and be a gentleman and nosy teammates will not distract him

Dykstra: 😔🫡

Hazy: Lisa and I are geekin right now, Burger you stopped at the florist I told you about right? 

Bood: Milo made a good luck picture for you Burger and is demanding that we do a barbeque soon so he can give it to you!

Hollzy: There’s a nonzero chance that we won the cup because of Milo’s good luck pictures…our boy’s got this 

Holmburger: 

Holmburger: thx u guys🥰 

Harper (she/her) 🏳️‍⚧️ @harpersbizarre
Oh!

Only one person in the world who can tell you what you are. Rose Landry.

Holmberg: um hi guys

Shane: … Hi Burger?

Shane: Is this about your date? Did something happen? 

Matthias: date???? 

Holmberg: okay so idk how to say this

Holmberg: the date went rlly good tho and i think shes my girlfriend now!!!!!! like she said it was fine for me to think things over but like its a no brainer like shes way out of my leeg and im lucky to breeth the same air as her

Holmberg: but i def need advice

Thom: We are here for you Callum! Whatever you need!

Holmberg: so things started a little rocky bc she didnt think it was a date nd was rlly confused when i gave her flowers

Holmberg: nd i was like “do you not want this to be a date?” nd she was like “i just didnt think u would be interested in someone like me” and i was like “u r gorjus nd so smart nd u make me laugh nd never make me feel stupid when teaching me stuff why wouldnt i be interested?”

Holmberg: AND THEN SHE WAS LIKE “u know im trans nd i have a dick right?”

Holmberg: nd like no, i didnt know 

Holmberg: but like shes still a woman so it doesnt matter to me that she has a dick and i told her that 

Holmberg: nd the date was soooooo good after that bc we were both on the same page that it was a date nd like we kissed a little at the end and it was so hot

Holmberg: but also the dick does matter a lil because i dont know wat to do with all that

Holmberg: it took me 2 years nd a diagram cap roz made for me to find the clit

Holmberg: im not familiar w my prostate idk how to find it on someone else

Holmberg: nd I gag everytime i brush my tongue. how do i suck dick???

Holmberg: i wanna be good at sex for her

Holmberg: gay avengers pls help

Henry: that was a rollercoaster but I’m so happy for you Bergy!!

Henry: also can I just say that your attitude towards all of this is so refreshing! the bar is on the floor but I can always count on you to clear it!

Oliver: Callum, are we sure this girl is comfortable with you talking about her dick to others?

Holmberg: thats fair oli but Harper said she is super open about her transness nd like told me explisitly that i could talk abt it w my friends nd stuff if im serious abt her. which i am 

Oliver: Great! Just making sure!

Thom: As someone who recently made my debut in the world of dicks, my biggest piece of advice is to just communicate and talk to her about sex. It may seem daunting but the more you get in your head about it the worse you’ll be at it. I’m sure she’ll be patient with you! 

Jakob: ^^^

Henry: what Thomas said but also be mindful of your teeth! 

Matthias: I get wanting to be a natural throat goat but remember you also have two hands

Matthias: but yea I’d definitely talk to her about it if you're nervy  

Shane: I’m a little concerned that it took you two years to find the clitoris.

Shane: Also Ilya made you a diagram???? I guess I can make you one for the prostate if you think that would help you. 

Holmberg: u guys r the best 🙏🙏 

Holmberg: nd cap hollzy yes pls

Hockey Husbands

Shane: Have you seen my iPad?

Ilya: you had it last night when you were looking over camp registration forms. I think you left it on the dining table

Ilya: did you hear back from Yuna about the ones you flagged?

Shane: Found it. Thanks!

Shane: And I already talked to mom about the forms. I need the iPad for something else

Ilya: that is omnious

Ilya: aminus

Ilya: ahminous

Shane: Ominous

Ilya: thank you moy lyubimyy ❤️

Shane: And I’m just making a diagram

Shane: I hear you know all about that

Ilya: luca was just nervous before first time and I was being good captain

Shane: Have you made sex diagrams for all of the rookies??

Shane: You know what, it doesn’t matter. I’m about to make a way better sex diagram than you. 

Callum Holmberg @callumholmberg
trans people existed before hockey was invented so in honor of the nhl awards tonight, I wanna recognize some of my trans GOATS like Sylvia Rivera, Lou Sullivan, Dr. Alan Hart, and Marsha P. Johnson #gogay #transvisibility

Harper (she/her) 🏳️‍⚧️ @harpersbizarre
What does it say about me that having a guy text me to say that I’m “the GOAT of all trans GOATS” made me blush? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME

Only one person in the world who can tell you what you are. Rose Landry.

Holmberg: okay guys i know you said to talk to her about this stuff but i need help

Jakob: what’s up bergy?

Holmberg: okay so we had another date last night nd it was sooooo good nd afterwards we were like kissin on the couch nd it was getting a lil…heated

Holmberg: nd i asked (very politely) if i could fuck her nd she pulled back and said “baby, if one of us is getting fucked tonight its not gonna be me”

Holmberg: nd i came in my pants😔

Holmberg: but then later we talked about bottoming nd like i know genraly wat i would need to do but like do you guys have any superstitions that i should know about?

Oliver: Superstitions?

Holmberg: yea like how i eat the same meal before games nd only listen to the chain on my way to the arena

Holmberg: i just wanna make sure im doin everything rite

Thom: I usually drink this tea that Tina told me about (🔗) before going out but I don’t know if it’s necessary

Oliver: I’m not usually a bottom, but I can send you the douche brand I prefer if you want? 

Jakob: wait thom why didn’t you tell me about the tea? I would’ve stocked up on it before you visited last month

Henry: I don’t have a specific meal I eat every time, but there are definitely things you should avoid! give me a second and I’ll send you a list!

Shane: 🔗 (link to google doc titled “Useful Products to Consider if Considering Bottoming”)

Shane: I made this after making the diagram just in case you ended up needing it, but the items listed with *’s are ones I use. I have a pretty extensive routine that I can also outline for you later tonight. 

Holmberg: ✍️✍️✍️

Matthias: I never thought about it as a superstition but I do have a pair of briefs I prefer to wear on nights I’m hoping to hook up

Holmberg: brand?

Matthias: dude I love you but youre telling me you dont already have lucky underwear?

Matthias: anyways tho 🔗

Holmberg: idk wat id do without you guys

Callum Holmberg @callumholmberg
Time flies when you’re having fun. I can’t believe I just took my last final of the summer term. I still have so much to learn about the people and communities I get to share this world with and how to best show up for them, but I just want to take a moment to thank my amazing professors and classmates at @uottawa for taking me under their wings and helping me on my academic journey. See you next summer!! 😤🏳️‍🌈🤸‍♂️❤️☀️🏳️‍⚧️‼️#lifelonglearning #ally #gogay

pia (hollanov daughter) @lucahaasunbiologicaltwin
Reply to @callumholmberg
I just want to know how unhinged his draft for this post was for Harris to take over

Callum Holmberg @callumholmberg
Reply to @lucahaasunbiologicaltwin
i wanted to get this one right so my gf prove read it for me 🥰