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The base was silent after the encounter with Darkest-- save for Derp's faint snores from the other room. By the campfire, Yang was reorganizing what little supplies they had left after the fight.
As Astral patched her wounds, she found themself thinking. Deeply. Which doesn't really happen often, mostly because they're almost never allowed a moment of quiet reprieve. Being left alone with her thoughts wasn't their favorite thing, in general. Because it got them completely dissecting all of her past actions, questioning all the words they've said. It wasn't healthy to overthink, so she completely avoided quiet 'peace' purposefully.
Unfortunately, with nothing to say (that they haven't said literally two minutes prior) and Yang didn't seem like they were going to speak up any time soon, not being much of a talker in the first place-- it.. allowed Astral's mind to wander. Wander to places she doesn't like.
"You could've done better out there"
She knows that. It shouldn't have been hard to kill a group of emerald ranked The Eye members. Emerald. Ranks. They've fought so much worse, and so many more people. And she still had to rely on Yang's railgun to kill them.
"You could've gotten Derp killed. You could've gotten Yang killed"
Yeah, because she couldn't kill those players. Derp is asleep, at her most vulnerable, and Yang can barely fight properly without suffering severe damage. It's why they went up first instead.
"What if you were too late? What if you let one get away and they managed to kill Derp?"
That's-- absurd.. Astral knows all of them were on them. Except there were too many to count. But-- Derp's still in the base! Right back where she was before the attack, unaware that her life was in danger. She can literally hear her.
'But what if that's not Derp? What if I just.. didn't see her death message..'
"Supposed strongest player on Shattered and she can't even fight weaklings-- even with their friends at risk."
"Selfish, worthless excuse of a player."
It took Astral too long to realize she had clawed through the cloth, to the point their claws were digging through her own flesh. The pain wasn't recognizable, their pain tolerance built too high from hudreds of battles, but the feeling of someone-- Yang, they realize belatedly-- prying her hand open and wrapping the injury with what little cloth wasn't already stained by her blood.
That-- wasn't something they were used to. Not the help, not the gentle care which Yang held her hand with. It wasn't anything she.. deserved.
Once he had secured the psuedo-bandage, Yang just.. stared at Astral. Well, at their blindfold technically, but it felt like she could see past it.
"You good, Astral?" They asked, "You were kinda.. spaced out for a moment there.."
Astral doesn't know how he kept on his signature smile even after such a big (and horrible) fight, but.. it was strangely comforting. "Yeah, I--... just..." She exhaled, "Yang, do you think I'm, like-- strong--?"
Once again, there was silence between the two-- which didn't bode too well for Astral. Because if Yang had to think about her answer?? Was it-- not that obvious? Is he about to play into Astral's ego instead of telling her the truth?? "Ne-- nevermind, bro, it's nothing--" They looked away, wings tensed behind her as she held back tears.
"What?! No--" Yang put his hand back on Astral's. "If it's bothering you, you can't just-- dismiss it!" They exclaimed, supportively squeezing the other's hand. "You know you can talk to me about it, right? About-- anything, really!"
"I--.. yeah, I know." She swallowed back the lump in throat, finding it harder to speak now. "It's just... it's nothing you have to worry about."
The phoenix sighed, knowing he wasn't getting an answer out of them any time soon. Well, with this strategy, at least.
"You-- you don't feel strong enough.." she started, not taking their eyes off of Astral. When he didn't get a responce, they continued. "Why?? You've done so much to help the server-- you've fought so many outnumbered fights and powerful players--"
"But that's all in the past, Yang!" Astral finally broke, voice cracking under the weight of emotions she hadn't even known they'd had for so long. "But I've just.. I've been slacking off recently. I don't feel powerful enough anymore. I--..
I don't even feel like a real person anymore."
She didn't let the words get a reaction, quickly continuing: "You know?? You, Derp, Moldy-- you all have your own things, but I'm just.. me." They sighed, leaning back on the log.
"Astral.."
"It's fine, Yang." She stood up, stretching her wings as if this had been just a casual conversation. "I'm sorry for getting you involved with... my own issues."
Yang followed them, "Astral-- no."
...
"Wh.. what?"
"You can't just-- push away your feelings like that." She rested a firm hand on the avian's shoulder, "if you want-- need-- help, you know you can trust me, right?"
Astral shifted her eyes away, having half the mind to just shut this down now before it went any further. "I mean.. yeah.. I just-- I know you don't care much about.. this kind of stuff--"
"I care when it's you!"
Neither of them spoke after that, letting the words settle into the atmosphere. 'Yang.. actually cares? About me?' Astral took a small step back in shock. Something about that wasn't making sense to them. After everything she'd done to him? After the fights-- both verbal and physical? After not listening to them? After betraying his trust?
Finally, Yang broke the silence.
"I.. care about you, Astral." Her tone was firm, as she stared into their eyes behind the blindfold, as if making sure the avian couldn't be mistaken. "And-- I want you safe. If this reckless fighting because you think you aren't strong--
"Astral, you are strong! Literally one of the strongest people I've seen on this server! And I don't say that as if its some nonsense title. I've seen some of your feats-- stuff not even half of this server would think of doing! And, you're not just physically strong either-- mentally, too. I mean, to bounce back from having your entire base destroyed and-- everything that happened after I kicked you out.. that's something I don't think I could handle alone!
"You've endured a lot, Astral. More than any player should. And you're still fighting even now! It's not just about what you do or don't that makes you strong, it's also about being able to persevere even after massive losses. That is what makes you strong."
"Yang, I--" Astral pressed against her eyes, letting their blindfold absord what tears spilled out. After a moment of silence, their laugh came out exhausted. "Thank you, bro. For.. dealing with me, I guess."
He shoved her lightly, a small smile on their face. "'Dealing with you--' you're my best friend, Astral. I'm not gonna let you just mope around and think you aren't as cool as you are!"
"Whaateverr.." They laughed, sitting back down on the dark oak log.
Yang sat next to her, comfortably wrapping an arm around their shoulders. "I mean it though. Don't just let that kinda stuff stew in you brain-- if you wanna talk, I'm always here for it."
Resting their head on her shoulder, Astral hummed. "You're too kind, man.. y'know that?"
"Psh-- I've known since I first took Ari into the bunker." They laughed almost fondly at the memory-- of the light in Ari's eyes when he offered her a place to stay.
"Yeah yeah.. I remember them.."
"Tired?" A hint of smug knowing-ness was in her voice. "You definitely sound it."
"Dude, that fight was exhausting-- can you blame me, bro?"
Yang snorted, "I'm not! Just acknowledging it. You deserve the rest after all."
Behind the blindfold, Astral peeked an eye open, a warm feeling in their chest at the soft expression on her friend's face. "Damn right I do. Damn right.."