Chapter Text
Chapter One
Chapter notes
Liara learns a little more about Commander Shepard's recent past.
"Good morning, Liara," yawned Garrus. The big Turian stretched widely as Liara T'Soni sat down at the table with her breakfast and a bottle of water.
"Good morning, Garrus," Liara smiled. She visually swept the mess hall again. "Where's the Commander this morning?"
Ashley Williams and Kaidan Alenko, both human, exchanged a knowing glance. Ashley grinned, the act completely lost on the shy Asari.
"She's planet-side," Joker, the pilot, replied. For once he wasn't being sarcastic.
Liara looked around. Ash, Kaidan, Garrus, Tali, even Wrex were all accounted for. "By herself?"
"Today is, ah...well..." Kaidan began. He seemed unsure whether to answer.
"It's the anniversary of the Skyllian Blitz," Ashley finally said. "The Skipper lost her entire unit in the battle. Batarian mercenaries and slavers attacked the colonies at Elysium and the only ground defense was a handful of Alliance Navy and Marines, including the Commander's unit. They were on shore leave and had no armor or weapons. Had to scavenge from the bodies of the mercs. In the end, she barely escaped with her life, had to be dragged off the battlefield. Those scars on her face? Yeah."
Liara had always wondered where those scars had come from. The new revelation settled in the pit of her stomach like a rock.
"Right now she's at a big memorial with the families of the fallen sailors and marines," Joker added. "She'll be gone most of the day. Probably not a good day for tea."
Joker had referenced their evening ritual of what Shepard referred to as "cuppa", the Irish version of tea time. Liara felt more concern than disappointment.
"We, however, are going to take advantage of this," Garrus interjected. "We've been invited by the good lieutenant here -" he nodded at Kaidan - "to join him at the N7 training facility and range so we can give you some real tactical training."
Liara smiled brightly. "That sounds like fun!" she said. "It would be nice to be able to contribute. I feel like I've been a drain on the entire crew."
"But you've been helping Doctor Chakwas," Tali finally joined the conversation. "You're not a drain on anyone!"
Ashley snorted derisively as she got up. Joker stifled a grin.
As soon as Ashley was out of earshot, Liara asked an innocent question. "Have I offended Chief Williams?"
Kaidan shook his head apologetically. "No, Doctor T'Soni. You haven't said or done anything wrong."
"The Chief isn't very...ah...appreciative of the diversity," Garrus intoned.
"I'm gonna go get ready," Kaidan said as he rose from the table. "Meet me in the cargo bay in an hour?"
Garrus and Liara both nodded. Joker got up as well, limping hurriedly after the Lieutenant.
"Does she really think we don't know how bad she's crushing on Shepard?" Joker chuckled. "Somebody has got to-"
"Shhh!" Kaidan shushed him. They both stopped mid-stride, just around the corner from the galley.
"Joker, I swear to god, if you say one word to that poor girl, I will personally deck your ass!" Kaidan warned. He pushed past the ginger-haired pilot, continuing his trek to the lower level.
"Really, Alenko?" Joker called after him. "You'd hit a cripple?"
"I mean it, Joker!" Kaidan called back.
* * *
Hours of training and hundreds of rounds of ammunition later, Liara, Garrus, and Kaidan returned to the Normandy. They were deep in conversation about the value of "spray and pray" as they disembarked from the Alliance shuttle and came through the airlock.
"Hey, perfect timing!" came Joker's voice from the cockpit. "The Commander just walked in a few minutes ago!"
In a split second, Liara's attention was elsewhere. "Thank you both for the training session," she said, having mentally checked out of the conversation. "it is much easier to train with proper facilities!"
She turned and walked toward the stairs to the lower decks. Kaidan shot a glare at Joker, who chuckled mischievously from his seat. Garrus shook his head and ambled toward the lift, Kaidan in tow.
"Shepard is 'crushing' on Doctor T'Soni just as much, you know," Garrus had waited until they were in the closed lift before speaking his mind.
"Oh, shit," Kaidan breathed. "Please tell me you guys did not hear us this morning..."
"Every word," Garrus replied flatly. "Liara is too nervous to let on."
"Dammit, Joker," Kaidan muttered.
"Think about it, Alenko," Garrus said, waiting for the lift doors to open before taking a single step out onto the deck. "They'd be perfect for each other. If they could ever figure out how to actually talk about it, at least."
"That's exactly it," Kaidan retorted. "Liara is too polite. She's too innocent and too scared. The Commander is too honorable - she's afraid she'd be taking advantage of her."
"Don't worry," Garrus chuckled at the human. "It'll work out."
As he came back up the lift and exited on the Crew deck, Kaiden noticed Liara walking back into the medbay with Dr. Chakwas. He wondered what the conversation was about.
* * *
"I'm curious," Dr. Chakwas began, "how much do you know about romance between humans and Asari?"
Liara blushed furiously. "Um...nothing, actually. Why do you ask?"
"I don't want to make you uncomfortable, Liara," Dr. Chakwas said, "but I've noticed your growing fondness for Commander Shepard."
Liara all but panicked. "What? No! No, I'm not -"
Dr. Chakwas leaned into her hand, elbow on the desk, a grin of pure amusement on her face.
"Oh..." Liara stopped suddenly. "Is it that obvious?"
"So much so that I can tell this is, quite likely, your first serious crush," Dr. Chakwas replied.
A blue hand went to her forehead in frustration, then to her mouth in shock. "Oh...oh, no - does Shepard know?"
Dr. Chakwas laughed lightly. "Calm down, dear. If she does, then she's not said a word to me."
"But what if she does?" Liara stammered. She spoke faster as she went. "I mean, how would I explain this? I've never fallen in love with anyone before, and this is totally inappropriate -"
"Sshhh," Dr. Chakwas tried to get the increasingly anxious Asari under control. Her smile went from amusing to comforting. She took Liara's hands and held them down on the desk to stop the gesturing. "Liara, take a breath.
"Honestly, the Commander is highly intelligent, so it is very possible that she knows. The only thing that would be inappropriate would be certain reactions to it on your part. Panic is not going to help. Really, if she knows, I'm certain that she'd be flattered.
"I need to talk to you, though, about something important, and I get the feeling I'll need to have this discussion with her as well. Humans are, emotionally, very sensitive creatures. Two centuries ago, Oxford University - where I studied medicine - discovered that humans react neurochemically to love the same way we do to illicit drugs. A human in love will show the same brain activity as one taking cocaine. The flip side of that is that losing that love is as devastating as an opiate addict in withdrawals.
"And that is just with other humans," Dr. Chakwas paused for effect. "The Asari bonding process is much stronger. Humans left by their Asari bondmates tend to fall into a deep, very despondent depression. Many end up committing suicide. The way that Asari bond on the spiritual level is that powerful. I have seen soldiers whom I believed to be quite strong mentally end their own lives when their Asari lovers severed that connection."
A mixture of horror and dejection crossed Liara's features. "So...I shouldn't try to..."
"No, no, Liara, that's not my point at all," Dr. Chakwas stopped her again. "I just want you to be aware of the realities. She's a soldier. What she does is dangerous. It will be hard for you to watch her get hurt. Eventually, you may consider leaving so that you don't have to watch her leave repeatedly. I'm not saying for one moment that it's not worth it to love her; just that it will not be easy. I don't want to see you blindsided by anything."
Liara was quiet and pensive for a moment. It had become increasingly difficult for her to keep her feelings buried, no matter how inappropriate she ultimately believed her feelings to be. She was worried that not only would Shepard discover her feelings from rumors among the crew, but that she would end their friendship if the feelings were ever to be confirmed.
"I understand you were told what today is," Dr. Chakwas said, interrupting her thoughts.
Liara nodded.
"Would I be correct in assuming that you were on your way to check on her?"
Liara nodded.
"Go," Dr. Chakwas said. "She could use a friend. She'll never open up to the crew."
Liara quietly rose and left the medbay. She crossed the mess hall and galley and stood in front of Shepard's door, nervous about walking in. She waved her hand in front of the pressure pad, asking the occupant for permission to come in.
"Enter," came the reply, and the door opened automatically.
The lights in the cabin had been heavily dimmed. Shepard sat on the sofa on the far right of the room, nursing a glass of Scotch. Her dress blues were neatly laid on the bed; she had donned her N7 sweats in their place. She had returned with no further plans to interact with anyone.
She looked up at Liara and flashed a slight, albeit warm, smile. "Hi, Liara."
"Hello, Shepard," Liara smiled sweetly. "Is this a bad time?"
"Not at all," Shepard replied. "Come in. Make yourself comfortable."
As Liara sat on the sofa next to her, Shepard continued, "I would offer you some Scotch, but I don't think it would agree with you."
"The aroma tells me that you are likely correct," Liara replied, an amused tinge to her tone.
Shepard set the glass on the end table to her right. "I apologize. It is pretty overwhelming if you're not used to it." She sighed heavily. "So...did Karin send you over here?"
"Yes," Liara replied. She immediately realized her mistake and hurriedly spoke again. "I mean...no! No, I asked her whether I should come to see you, and she...um...encouraged it."
Shepard laughed.
"Why is that funny?" Liara asked, her embarrassed expression slowly curling into a smile.
"It's just - the way you get flustered when you say something you didn't mean to," Shepard replied. "It's adorable."
Liara smiled bashfully. She noticed that Shepard was blushing, which both surprised and endeared her.
Shepard's expression suddenly grew serious. "I'm sorry, Liara, I -"
Liara reached over and took Shepard's hand. She was elated when Shepard accepted the gesture.
Shepard was not very feminine; her thick blond locks were worn somewhat short, with enough length to let it flow in a breeze. It fell in layers to the right side of her face. A series of scars ran across her face, the largest of them stretching diagonally from her left eyebrow, across her nose, and down her right cheek. As rough as she appeared to the casual observer, however, she was not very masculine, either. She was the most unique individual Liara had ever happened upon. She was a soldier in battle and a leader aboard the ship. Liara was learning that despite a certain hard edge drilled into her by the military, she was also capable of being very kind and caring.
"I apologize," Shepard finally said. "I should be more careful about what I say." That was the alcohol, you twit, she chastised herself.
"You paid me a lovely compliment," Liara replied. "You have nothing to apologize for."
Shepard stared at her lap, a sad smile playing at the corners of her lips.
"Not long ago you explained to me the importance of military decorum in your role as a commanding officer," Liara said. "Shortly afterward you asked me not to address you by your rank because I am not sworn to the Alliance military."
"That I did," Shepard nodded.
"Does the distance that you keep from your crew have anything to do with that decorum?"
Shepard thought before speaking. "I need to keep a certain professional distance from my crew," she replied. "It's one thing to shoot the shit over chow. I cannot, however, confide in them."
"Why not?" Liara asked.
"It shows my faults and weaknesses," Shepard replied. "My crew needs to have unwavering faith in me. If they see me struggle mentally or emotionally, they lose a little of that faith. Once that happens, they question the mission, question themselves - and that's when they get killed."
"That's quite a burden for one soul to carry," Liara said, her face displaying deep concern. "It sounds incredibly lonely."
"it is but one of the many requirements of my rank," Shepard sighed.
"Do you blame yourself for what happened to your unit on Elysium?" Liara continued.
Shepard seemed momentarily stunned by the question, but she recovered quickly. "Blame? No. I know that I couldn't have done more than I did. We were a practically unarmed and badly outnumbered group facing overwhelming force. If anything, I feel survivor's guilt."
"You feel that you should have died with your men," Liara clarified. She had heard of the phenomenon before.
Shepard nodded silently.
"That is the most heartbreaking admission I have ever heard from anyone," Liara said quietly.
"Every soldier who survives an event like that feels it," Shepard said, turning her head to look at Liara. "That is especially true of lone survivors."
Liara leaned forward and gathered Shepard into her arms, then leaned back toward the arm of the sofa so that she was cradling the Commander. Shepard gratefully leaned into the Asari. Liara rested her cheek on top of Shepard's head, noticing that her hair was soft and warm - and it smelled inviting. She had been nervous to initiate this kind of contact with the woman, but after two melds and countless hours of varying degrees of discussion ranging from personal to professional, Liara felt it appropriate to show support in any way she could.
"I cannot imagine what it must be like to look back on this every year," Liara softly intoned. "I do know that I am thankful that you survived. Without you, I may never have been rescued. Now that I'm getting to know you, I can't picture my life without you in it.
"I've seen the loyalty that you inspire in your crew. It takes an incredible kind of strength and grace to command that level of respect from others. You are so much more than a soldier, Shepard. You are an amazing, beautiful person, and every one of us would be lesser if we'd never known you. So when you feel that guilt, remember that you've more than made up for it."
Shepard shook with tears that she'd fought all day to control. "Thank you, Liara."
Liara held her tightly. "I will always be here for you."