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He looked at me, waited for me.
My lips parted, the words hesitated. I faltered, close my mouth.
You turned from me and walked away.
I wasn't sure there were any words I could have said that would have stopped you going but that didn't mean I wanted you to go.
I've run out of ways to try and convince you that I love you, that I need you, but I never see it in you any more.
I don't feel the pain from the thought of losing you because it scared me so much it numbs me. I can't bear the idea of being without you in my life. I've only ever loved one person in my life and it's always been you. I hate when you walk away from me, when you won't talk to me.
It's always been me and you and without you I don't know what to do with myself. I'm lost without you, as cliché as it sounds.
Maybe I rushed things along too much. Too fast for you? You never said.
I wanted it all straight away. I wanted you forever. I wanted us to be together all the time and you never said a word. We moved in together. And for the longest time it was good enough, it felt right.
I don't even know when it went wrong. I didn't see it happened. It was just one day. I saw we'd lost what we'd once had. I tried to go back to what worked before, when we first moved in, but nothing I did was good enough.
I guess when it hit home was the lengths you'd go to avoid us being intimate. As soon as I came to bed, you'd get up. Decide that there was something else you had to do, somewhere else you had to be.
Anywhere but with me.
In the end, it wasn't even being intimate. It was being close. Being in bed together was too much. I mean, I gave up on the idea of sex a long time ago. I didn't even care. I loved you more than that.
But it was all one way. I held a torch for you, but the light you had for me went out somewhere. And you never seemed to notice how it tore me up.
Maybe you didn't want to. Maybe because you never looked at me like you used to.
You used to look in my eyes and you got it all. You knew how I felt, knew what I wanted.
I can't remember the last time I looked into those eyes and you looked back. The last time you looked at me.
You don't even see me any more.
I thought about leaving. Ending it. Us.
But whenever I looked at you, watched you, I knew I didn't feel the way you did. I still loved you.
I knew you stopped loving me, but the idea of you not being there any more always stopped me.
I felt like I couldn't do anything to end what we had. Even when it was broken I'd still rather have those broken pieces than throw it away.
It was still you. I still wanted you. Still hoped you'd find a way to love me again.
Eventually, it happened. You wanted to talk. Didn't look in my eyes. Said it wasn't working and that you still cared about me, but you couldn't love me.
I had to ask, if there was another. You avoided it. Like always. Would never tell me what you were thinking. Never what you felt. I had to guess those deepest feelings. And when you used to look at me, it was easier. But it was harder now. I wanted to grab you, make you look me in the eyes.
I didn't feel you were mine to touch any more. You hadn't been mine for a long time.
A lot of time passes without us saying much. I don't want to let go.
It gets dark, it's hard to see him but neither of us move to switch on a light. We sit on the end of the bed.
He's waiting for me to let him go. Wants me to say it. I'm not ready, I need to know one thing first.
I ask him. I need to know if he stopped loving me or just started loving someone else.
He doesn't want to answer.
He doesn't need to.
Tries to sooth the wound. "It's not that I didn't love you....." He stops.
The worse thing. I'd had him.
He'd loved me but I wasn't able to keep him. He said he should go. Stands up.
He's waiting for me. To do something, to say something. I felt paralysed. Helpless to do anything to change what was happening. He wanted something from me. Wanted me to let him know it would be okay. I'd be okay. We could still be okay, just not like I wanted.
There's nothing that I can say.
You walk away.