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In about ten shots or so, Daeyoung is going to get drunk for the first time.
Three days had passed since the beginning of winter break, and their semi-dead group chat sprang alive when Sion unceremoniously invited the three of them to drink at his house over the weekend. Riku, who simply needed an excuse to get wasted, happily agreed, and Yushi, wanting a reason to leave his apartment, followed suit. The Japanese boys’ enthusiasm left Daeyoung no choice but to follow along.
None of them pressured him to do so, really, but with their recent inactivity over finals week, Daeyoung felt that it was the right thing to do—catching up in between drinks, he means. He wasn't totally against the idea of alcohol in the first place; he just didn't have a reason to drink.
As the youngest in the family, Daeyoung was readily exposed to alcohol as an impressionable teenager. His older brothers began joining their parents’ evening sessions when they reached their final year of high school, landing on beer cans with their dad, though their mother gave them the more sophisticated option of red wine when it was her drink of choice. Thinking of it as some kind of tradition, he forced himself to partake in the activity when he freshly turned nineteen.
He remembers taking a deep breath when his father opened the can of beer for him, hands slightly shaking as he accepted it. The aroma was enough to make him want to vomit, but he downed it anyway. Daeyoung wished he could say that he liked it. Instead, all he got was loud chuckles from his brothers while he went on a rant and insisted that the beverage was absolutely vile.
His mom made an attempt months later when she celebrated her birthday. She tried coaxing him into trying her signature bottle of wine, promising that it at least tasted better than beer. He tossed her a skeptical look before eventually agreeing. She poured a bit into his wine glass, instructing him to swirl it around. Daeyoung could only obey, observing as the liquid danced around the base. Somehow, he felt even more hesitant than last time.
Sensing his unwillingness, his mother offered for them to clink their glasses before drinking. Though it did little to nothing to soothe his mind, he smiled anyway and muttered a small ‘cheers’ before taking a sip. Once again, Daeyoung wished he could say that he liked it, but the clear expression of disgust on his face said enough, and his mother promptly took the glass away from him. Since then, he’s avoided anything even remotely related to drinking, believing that it isn’t for him.
Then again, maybe his family just has terrible taste in alcohol.
“Whoever throws up first is paying for all this.” Sion took out five bottles of soju from the plastic bag. Daeyoung isn’t sure which flavor he picked, but he can only assume that the eldest bought the most basic one, so he accepts that he's probably drinking green grape tonight.
They were gathered in Sion's cramped bedroom, windows slightly opened to let the cool winter air in. His mattress still laid on the wooden floors despite him promising the group that he would save up for a bedframe when the time felt right. Daeyoung doesn't quite know what that means, but he's not going to push it any further.
Sion and Yushi settled on the floor, with the latter opening the first bottle. Meanwhile, Daeyoung and Riku sat comfortably on Sion's mattress, allowing themselves more space to move around.
Daeyoung's parents had the audacity to laugh when he told them he was going to drink with his friends, reminding him of his two previous failures. He laughed with them, insisting that perhaps soju would finally be the one to change his mind. They seemed to pay no mind to this, simply wishing him safe and telling him to not push past his limit.
To be honest, he doesn't even know what his limit is. Growing up, his father always warned him to be careful around alcohol. Daeyoung, in spite of his young age and lack of wisdom, took note of it quite quickly. Though not against it, he's spent twenty years of his life prolonging the rite of passage of getting shit-faced drunk. He was shameless enough as is, and he wasn't too interested in finding out what he could do when his body was governed by something he can't control.
While Sion and Yushi are too busy arguing about the older's preferences, Daeyoung feels a warm hand shift toward his own. He catches Riku looking at him when he raises his head.
“Are you sure you want to drink?” He mumbles, the soft tone of his voice contrasting the serious expression on his face.
The younger boy's breath hitches for a second, somewhat startled by the question. He lets the silence dwindle between them and nods, putting on a small smile.
Riku still hasn't looked away, still hasn't drawn his hand away. Instead, he interlocks their pinkies together. “Tell me if you want to stop,” he says, unease lingering in his tone.
Daeyoung knows what he meant. The grip on his pinky finger slightly tightens, confirming what he is already aware of. Riku wanted him to promise that he agreed to what he'd said, concerned that the younger would regret his actions for the sake of being with his friends.
“I promise,” he mouths, his best attempt at reassuring the Japanese boy.
His biggest takeaway from his experiences with his family was that he needed trust. He could allow himself to let loose in the comfort of his own house because he was secure. He knew his parents and siblings well, and he knew that they would stop him if he ever came to do something foolish. Of course, they never needed to worry about having to do that, considering that their alcoholic preferences ensured that Daeyoung would never get drunk at home.
He voiced this sentiment to his mother after her failed trial of getting him to like wine. She hummed in agreement as she washed the glasses in the sink, telling him that he needed to trust his companions to drink comfortably. It's the exact reason why he's always declined his other friends’ advances when they invite him to a bar. Daeyoung doesn't have the same level of assurance with his blockmates as he does with the three boys. Besides, the idea of passing out at a bar is perhaps one of his biggest fears.
Daeyoung would say that it's still solid advice. The sole reason he was alright with Sion's invitation in the first place was because he trusted them enough to persuade his brain that he was going to be fine and alive in the morning. What he fails to consider, though, is that assurance wasn't enough when his body was going to shut down sooner or later.
Trust wasn't enough when Riku's presence made him doubt the security he felt within himself.
“Enjoy your green grape because Yushi surely isn't going to.” Sion rolls his eyes and slides the shot glasses toward the two boys on his bed. Riku removes his hand to receive his glass, and Daeyoung can finally feel like he can breathe again.
Daeyoung grabs his own, internally taking a deep breath.
Riku looks at him, stifling a giggle. “To Daeyoung's first drink!” He brings his glass high, offering them to cheer with him. The group laughs, clinking their shots together before taking them down.
“How's the taste?” Yushi asks him after, silently reading his expression.
Daeyoung didn't mind the mild burn in his throat nor the slightly acidic aftertaste. He let it linger in his mouth for a second, waiting to see if his stomach wants to reject it. When nothing triggers a reaction, he answers with a plain and boring, “it's alright.”
With that, Sion immediately pours him another glass, going off about how he's “responsible” for finding a drink suited to Daeyoung's tastebuds. Riku pushes his glass toward the eldest as well, and he shortly follows with the tanned boy's refill.
He eyes Daeyoung before getting his shot, a silent agreement to down it together. He nods at Riku, and they fulfill their toast.
On his third shot, Daeyoung begins to gain some boldness. He scoots closer to Riku, their knees now bumping against one another. He doesn't dare to do anything else, however—his brain still completely intact.
By the time Daeyoung is on his fourth shot, Sion is somehow already on his seventh. Between Yushi nearly knocking down one of the bottles and Riku taking his hand to settle it on his own knee, he's not sure when the senior found it in himself to pour himself three extra glasses.
What Daeyoung is sure of is that Riku wants him dead.
His eyes drift toward his palm resting on the smaller boy's jeans. He's well-aware that Riku liked initiating skinship, especially with him, as Daeyoung's muscular figure easily caged his much smaller one. Right now, he’d argue that the older's actions were uncalled for.
It's not that he didn't like it; it was very much the opposite. In fact, he loved it when Riku would cling to him whenever the four found time to hang out together, and Daeyoung happily reciprocated his gestures. What Riku was doing right now, however, was provoking.
His fingers drummed against Riku's knee, trying his best to ground himself. If Daeyoung were brave enough, he would give up everything to test both their limits. If he had Riku all to himself right now, maybe he would start something. Maybe he would take a chance, move his hand somewhere farther up, and it would take just a single touch before Riku surrendered his fate to Daeyoung.
The thought makes him clench a fist into the sheets of the mattress, and he quickly shifts back to reality. “Another one, hyung, please,” he orders, not quite sure which of the boys he was referring to.
Riku stretches his torso to reach for the nearly empty bottle, filling up his glass. Daeyoung downs everything in one second.
On his fifth shot, Daeyoung starts something dangerous.
Desperately needing something to get his mind off of the horrific things he just imagined about his closest friend, he remembers Sion's stunt and firmly tells the others that he wanted three back-to-back refills as well.
“I can do it, I swear!” He insists amid the Japanese boys’ judgmental stares.
“I don't think you can,” Yushi deadpans.
Riku, on the other hand, places his hand atop Daeyoung's again, the one on his knee. “Are you drunk?” He asks, which would normally sound like a joke, if not for the fact that he was all too serious when he made Daeyoung promise him earlier that night.
“No,” he responds, his other hand already sliding his glass toward Yushi. “Not yet, at least.”
Riku shakes his head as he watches him gulp down three shots. He regrets his choices for a short moment, getting the faint feeling that his stomach was not capable of processing all that.
He manages to shrug off all the warning signs yelling at him to quit while he still can, as his hand now unconsciously relocates itself to Riku's thigh.
On his ninth shot, Daeyoung feels it getting to his head.
After his feat of three continuous shots, he strayed clear from consuming any more for about twenty minutes. He should have been paying attention when Sion was saying something about soju's deceptive sweetness tricking people into drinking more, only for its effects to hit belatedly. Then again, they say to never take advice from someone who's falling apart, and judging by how Sion was laughing even more than usual, he was definitely breaking.
“I should bring him to the bathroom before it's too late.” Yushi frowns, staring at the boy who is now beginning to erupt into another fit of giggles. Riku and Daeyoung can't stop themselves from laughing at the sight either, knowing that Sion's stupidity was going to bite him back no matter what.
Daeyoung watches as Yushi offers a hand to Sion, allowing the older to balance himself on him when his knees slightly wobble to the side. It quickly becomes clear to him that he wasn't the only one here miserably and hopelessly in love.
Then, his eyes shift to the four empty bottles in the corner of the room. Four hours have also passed since they started, and Daeyoung honestly did not know he had it in him to stay sober for so long. Though, he had a feeling that that was going to change very soon.
The weight of the predicament he's now trapped in hits the moment Yushi shuts the door, and Daeyoung only realizes that his hand moved even farther up when he examines Riku's figure.
Daeyoung knew that he and Sion were the frequent bar hoppers between the four, and he's witnessed a tipsy Riku far too many times to memorize how he acts when he’s intoxicated. Though nowhere near as loud as Sion, Riku has a tendency to become far more outgoing than he already is when he’s over his limit. Daeyoung remembers the smaller one hugging him and hiding his face into his neck during Yushi’s twenty-first birthday, muttering something about stopping himself from doing something embarrassing after he was dared to drink two bottles on his own.
He had hoped that Riku didn’t have enough sense to feel the beating of his chest against his.
Thus, the quiet boy sitting next to him was a contradiction to the usually bubbly and clingy version that he knows by heart, whether drunk or not. Riku was the most excited when Sion brought up the idea, and now, he was arguably the most sober of them all.
After thinking it over, he finally retracts his hand from Riku’s thigh for the first time that night, and Daeyoung thinks he hears him sigh. He can’t trust his judgment anymore.
Riku purses his lip, looking over at him. "You feel alright?" He tentatively asks, judging the state of Daeyoung by himself.
Daeyoung isn't sure what he looks like either. None of them have used their phones after the first hour had passed, getting lost in the moment. The lack of design in Sion's room didn't help, as he had no mirrors hanging on his walls.
He nods because it's true. He could still sit upright, he wasn't being obnoxiously loud. His head ached a little when he moved, but he could still manage to ignore it.
If he really were drunk, then he would've said something stupid to Riku right about now.
"Don't worry, hyung," he lets out, his smile now a bit crooked. "I still haven't broken our promise."
Riku laughs at this—actually laughs—because he knows that Daeyoung is no longer in his right mind to be aware of what he sounds like. Puppy-like eyes stare confusedly at him, wondering which part of what he said was funny.
The Japanese boy wheezes for a few more seconds before settling down. "Daeng, you're slurring your words," he finally explains, a tint of airiness in the way he speaks after his extreme laughing fit. "I've never heard you talk like this before."
Daeyoung wants to fight back and defend himself, arguing that he probably sounded completely normal and Riku was just messing with him completely. However, the rising tension in his brain makes it hard to think of appropriate and proper vocabulary, so he instead makes his best attempt at a glare. "You don't know what you're talking about." He pouts.
Riku snickers at this, pouring another glass for himself. "How do you feel right now, though? Genuinely."
He wants to lie down and sleep already, not because it's pushing five in the morning or because he wants to, but the more Riku progresses the conversation, the harder it becomes to stop himself. Riku ensures that his saccharine tone still doesn't fade away amid his questions, and Daeyoung just wants to cry because he never should’ve agreed to this in the first place. He didn’t care whether he’d become their friend group’s laughingstock after his first time drinking. That was the least of his worries, and it’s all because the one certainty he knew going into this was that he can’t let himself lose control.
If he did, he’d do the one thing he’s afraid of and permanently damage his and Riku’s friendship.
"My head kinda hurts," he answers truthfully and closes his eyes. Hopefully, it was enough to stop the forming tears behind them. "My eyes feel kinda heavy too, but I don't want to sleep yet."
Riku hums, setting his shot glass down. "Why not?"
Daeyoung wants to take a leap and unleash the god-honest truth. He wanted to cherish his time alone with him, but that was too audacious to say, even for him. At the end, the logical side of his brain answers for him. "Not sleepy."
Silence engulfs the space between them, but it's not uncomfortable. Somewhere outside, they hear Yushi giving Sion an earful about being stupid and irresponsible, and it doesn't bother them in the slightest. Tranquility felt right with Riku because they didn't need any words to understand each other.
"What about you?" This time, Daeyoung is the one who asks. He can't see Riku's face, but he's sure that the older one is puzzled by the query. "Why aren't you drinking as much?"
Riku takes a minute to think over his answer, tapping his foot against the wooden floors.
"I'm scared."
"Of what?"
Daeyoung opens his eyes again to look at him, his words catching his attention and curiosity. Riku shuffles around the sheets, wrapping his arms around his legs.
"Usually, I drink to forget," he begins. "Not because I want to erase something from my memory, but because I use it to get things off my mind when life starts to get too stressful for me," Riku continues, and Daeyoung can physically see the way he thinks over his words.
"Alcohol makes me braver, but sometimes, it makes me stupid," he makes sure to emphasize the last part and then lets out a small laugh. "I think you're aware of that since you're almost always at the receiving end of my drunken antics. I hope you don't mind."
I really don’t, Daeyoung thinks and shakes his head. He doesn't register that he said it out loud until Riku lightly elbows him.
"Sion drinks for fun, but I drink for fulfillment. It's not something that I want to do unless I need to get my mind off things." Daeyoung nods at his explanation, seemingly understanding where he's coming from. It's the same reason he's stayed sober for his entire life.
"Right now... I don't want to forget anything," he mumbles, arms tightening over his jeans. "I don't want to be brave or stupid right now because this isn't something I want to forget." Riku looks up at Daeyoung with the biggest smile he's put out since they met on the way to Sion’s. A part of him wishes that Riku meant this, this moment in particular—just them and no one else—but he knew that was impossible.
Daeyoung cannot afford to be brave or stupid either because all he wants to do in this moment is to put his lips against Riku’s, find out how the other feels and tastes.
"There's enough left for both of us." Riku gestures toward the last bottle, awakening him from his thoughts.
He doesn't say anything else and mindlessly passes his glass to Riku. He doesn't waste any time either and pours the remaining liquid for them both. They clink their glasses for one last time before chugging it together, smiling at one another after they do.
On his tenth and final shot, Daeyoung blacks out.
He remembers saying something about missing Riku when they stopped seeing each other during finals week, and the sound of Riku's laughter echoed in his ear right as he began to lose consciousness. Daeyoung could only pray that his brain shut down as soon as possible because he didn't feel safe anymore. He couldn't trust himself or Riku anymore.
"Riku hyung, can I sleep on your shoulder?" He still manages to ask against incoming drowsiness.
Riku immediately moves closer to him again, laying Daeyoung down on his body. "Don't you want to lie on the mattress?"
"Feels better here," he whispers.
The older one sneaks a glance at him, confirming that Daeyoung was already sleeping soundly. He brings his free hand to the Korean boy's hair, combing it gently as he rests his own head against it.
"Good night, Daeyoung-ah."
On his tenth and final shot, Daeyoung fails to realize that trust isn't what he needed to survive the night. It became useless the moment he stepped into Riku's orbit.
Instead, he learned that it's courage he lacks. For years, it has been the very thing stopping him from ever getting a peak into Riku's thoughts; and while tonight might have been a step closer into the mystery that is the Japanese boy who could make him break at a single command, courage doesn't lead to anywhere else when it's halted by the thought of something that hasn't happened yet. There was nothing scarier than the unknown, and the unknown is the very thing that Riku is afraid of.
Yet, it's a certainty that Daeyoung will wake up in the morning, head resting on one of Sion's pillows. He'll see that he's the only one of the four lying on the mattress, allowing him to remember that he was sleeping on Riku before he completely passed out. He'll regret coming over, and when Riku eventually wakes up minutes later, they'll both pretend like they don't remember anything.
It's a promise that Daeyoung will never know that Yushi left him and Riku alone on purpose. He'll never know that Riku's lips lingered on his forehead before removing him from his shoulder and setting him down on the mattress.
Riku will never have to tell him that he cried himself to sleep while Daeyoung dreamed of him.